ayen

I’m losing grip on this sinking ship, fighting against the strong cold waves.

You brought me back to shore but I knew something inside me died that day.

You pulled me out of the water just to toss me back again.

Now, are you a chance encounter or just another fortuitous event?

“but in this case, I'm the one clinging to my papers and pens writing pages for the chapters that I couldn't end, waiting, pretending that there will be love again.”

“I guess we are destined to wonder what might have been, to long for the thought of what could have been.”

I was brave.

I loved you then. I love you still.

Will I live for you? You know I will.

I'd die too, and kill, and steal,

and run, and rob,

and hurt, and sob

'til the enemy shots my Achilles' heal;

'til I'm too numb to actually feel

the coldness between

our pale young skin,

like an ice on a steel

or a leftover meal

or the breeze one feels

as they move on wheels

down an empty street

where we often meet.

Needless to say,

we are gone anyway

but I'm left astray

and you found a home

while I blindly roam

around out here,

filled with so much fear.

It took everything in me

to finally let you be

so now I have to go

but please do know,

I loved you then. I love you still.

Will I leave for you? I know I will.

And a wasted heart that just eclipses

And I'll push my luck from trust to dust enough,

That's the story of another us.

One last ditch, a new beginning

So take this heart put yourself in it.

This surprise ending I'm depending on

Atleast that is how I see it. It's as simple as that when you don't really want to think about it so you just sit there and accept that there is really no telling when people will like you, hate you, or acknowledge your existence.

In my young mind, hatred is far too complex so I stopped looking for answers as to why they hate me. Although sometimes I can't help myself but to think, "How COULD they hate me? How could they hate someone they barely know? Someone they never talked to? Someone they never EVER interacted with even when they were in the same room at the same time?"

I don't want to think of it as jealousy because there is nothing to be jealous of. I'm just me. I also don't see it as a competition because last time I checked, I did not sign up for one. I am here to listen, to learn, and most importantly, to live.

I was once filled with excitement to meet people who I think is like me–passionate, goal-driven, and dedicated. Instead, it was seen by some as aggressive, insanely ambitious, and indifferent. As much as I want to let it slide, it still disappoints me because what I saw back then were responsible people. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I never really had anything against another but I felt a sense of hostility. Still, my name should not be taintly mentioned in the tables I'm not sitting at.

There was nothing but admiration for the past years but I guess the story will twist and turn one to be the center of repressed intense wheel of emotions and the punching bag of ridiculous assertions.