SoJu Says...

Barbara: That's okay. I'll go with you.

Me: HAHAHAHAHA you're a really good friend! No one has ever said that to me.

Me: That's good. It's good to be prepared.

Michelle: It's been a minute since I've interviewed for anything.

Me: Which hand do you use to wipe your butt?

Michelle: That depends on where you're from. Because if you're from --

Me: I'm not asking you all of that. I asked which hand! You're not listening, Michelle!

Michelle: I am! It all depends on where you're from. Some countries you wipe with your left and in some you use your right. It all depends on the culture and customs --

Me: You're not listening to me or the question. The question was directed at you. It's for YOU. What hand do YOU use to wipe your butt? It's not a generalized question.

Michelle: Both! Depends on which way I lean. If I'm leaning to the right then I'm using my right and if I'm leaning to the left I'm using my left hand.

Me: As the interviewer, I cannot offer you the job.

Michelle: Why?

Me: You have your hands full. How are you gonna get any work done?

Ronda: Lots of stores aren't going to be open!

Me: I'm still gonna do it.

Ronda: No stores are open.

Me: *holds up finger* We're building pillow forts and camp out in the living room. Everyone's gonna stay up on their laptops. That's how we're gonna shop on Black Friday!

Ronda: HAHAHAHAHA

Brother: I'll be ready in 2 minutes.

Me: You understand what they're saying! I don't. I have to read to be on the same page.

Me: You gonna find me one?

Sarah: I'm just asking. Because you need to repopulate. You need to have your kids carry on your legacy. You should try having a boyfriend.

Me: Yes, on the rocks.

I asked her to get me some pads (sanitary napkins) and even took a screenshot of the product. She takes a photo of her purchase, which is bizarrely different from what I had sent her.

Me: Did they not have the one I sent you in stock? I wanted wings.

Mom: Wings? None of them have wings.

Me: The picture I sent you have wings.

Mom: What? *silence*

Me: Yeah. It's right in the photo. Lower right hand corner.

Mom: I don't see it. Hold on. *chuckle* I see it now! I thought that was a bag of fertilizer. It's got a big flower on the packaging!

Me: *pause* HAHAHAHAHA

Me: Were you? I absolutely had no idea. Couldn't even detect it.

Me: I need to clean my room and start packing. My room is a massive mess.

Mom: A mess? It can't be. No matter how messy you are nowhere like Kai. I know you.

Me: It's a collosal mess. *pause* You know, you're right. But it's getting there.

Dear Daddy uses £.

Me: Ohh...