self care shawty

i made these collages. they’re mixed media on canvas and 16x20in. i spent a couple months on them and many days putting the person i was becoming into these. truth be told this felt like only the beginning of that. i had gone through a very traumatic event involving drugs and a former friend group. i chose to get sober and was immediately ostracized because i was no longer there to use.

in a way, i felt like a weak bond of glue holding everyone together because their only common interest was crushing my spirit. there was so much anger and a desire to break free from what i was being reduced to. it brought to light so much pain that had been lifted as soon as i confided in the people i felt like myself with.

i remember all of the times i would split or dissociate because being around someone who wanted my love and time but could be so cruel was scorching. i used to call it “sitting duck anger,” because i remember as a child seeing a local chinese restaurant with a duck logo over a firetruck red tinted window.

i would see that image and feel like a child again, internally explosive and unable to explain what i am feeling. whenever that feeling comes, i take a deep breath, remove myself if i can, and journal. do everything i want to get done in order to feel a sense of agency, but it’s okay if all i’m able to do that day is cry and write out my feelings. i have so many and as bad as some days have been, i can now appreciate when things are good.