⭐️

hi! I’ve been in the community for awhile (unfortunately, I’m tired of this illness)

I’m currently in college and just turned 19 years old! Yay! I spend most of my time studying and working, so it helps me keep my weight in check. I’ve also been vegan for 4 years but not for dietary reasons. I’ve recently gained 7 pounds after maintaining a steady 95 lbs. (ahahah this is a problem NO longer, i'm still unsatisfied though.... who would have thought??? lol) I stopped vaping so that’s probably it, no regrets tho (still vape free yall, be proud).

Any help or friends would be appreciated, it’s a lonely illness fs.

here is the run down:

height: 5 ft (and 1/2 an inch if you want to get exact)

HW: 135 (Maybe 4 years ago??)

SW: 103 (that recovery weight fr fr, lol)

CW: 99 97 96 95 93.6 93.2

LW:89

GW1: 100

GW2: 95

GW3: 90

UGW:85

BMI: 17.9

🌸Oh, to be a slender fairy, light as dawn’s first breath, dancing through dewdrops with a body carved of mist and myth.🌸

May 28th

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Morning:

Black Coffee☕️

Lunch:

body armor 🫐 (25 c@ls)

Night snack:

Zevia🥤+ massive Cosmic Crisp apple 🍎(120 c@ls)

Din din:

Depressing vegan corn dog with hot sauce (140 c@l) bf made me eat ahhhh, but it wasn't too much damage

Total: 285 c@ls🫣

Did horrible with protien ikkk, promise I'll have more tomorrow 😩👌

also me when I eat 6 grapes instead of 5:

currently in my b1nge rest1ct Era and wanting to curl up and rot.

She is BACK!!! I got my period back!!! I know for some people with EDs or who experience gender dysphoria, losing it can feel validating or euphoric, and I totally get that. But for me? Losing it felt like the end of the world. It messed with my hormones, increased the risk of osteoporosis, and just made everything feel off.

May 21st, 2025

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Morning:

Black coffee ☕️

Morning snack:

Body armor 25 cal 🍑🥭

Lunch 12 pm:

Cosmic Crisp apple, 110 cal 🍎

Afternoon snack:

4 pm: Trubar, 190 cal 🍓🥜

Dindin:

Yet another Cosmic Crisp apple: 110 cals🍎+ 1 cup Catalina Crunch: 220

Total cals: 655

Wanna know what’s really sad? I have so much going for me.

A long-term relationship. A perfect GPA. Summa cum laude. Scholarships that people fight over. Friends who love me. A mom who tries.

People say I’m pretty; that I have nice hair, clear skin (mostly), a future. But none of that matters when I look in the mirror. All I see are flaws. Every soft edge, every pimple, every part of me that isn’t "Sharp enough".

I can recite my accomplishments like a script, but they feel like someone else’s story.

Inside, I still feel like a failure. Ugly. Big. Wrong.

I know it’s irrational. I know I’m not fat. But the scale tells me otherwise. The mirror lies, or maybe it’s the truth no one else wants to admit.

I want bones. I want to feel empty; because empty is clean, empty is pure, empty is safe. Success doesn’t fix it. Love doesn’t quiet it. I wish it did. This voice, the one that tells me to skip, to shrink, to erase; she’s cruel, but she’s also the only one who gets it. Who gets me.

I don’t want help. I want perfection.

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Morning: body armor 25 cal and a piece of gum 5 cal:

Late lunch around 4:

Protien shake and Cosmic Crisp apple (didn't finish the apple): 280 cals

Dindin 😏:

1/2 cup Catalina Crunch: 110 cals + LaCriox 0 cals

Night time snack:

Another apple- about 110 cals

photo to increase visibility: