diary of me

thank god im anonymous here and i can freak out

get me a bf, dream house, perfect body and im fucking every day, sucking every day, getting fucked every day and getting sucked every day

sometimes i wish i could get dream body and stay naked forever

at least im not 12 suffocating myself while listening to Shiloh Dynasty, at least im not 13 wishing i was dead while listening to rebzyyx, at least im not 14 crying myself to sleep while listening to Lana Del Rey, at least im not 15 starving myself while listening to Crystal Castles, at least im not 16 biting myself laying on the bathroom floor for hours while listening to rebzyyx, but i am 17 doing all that while listening to Lil Peep and losing sense of reality more and more

i havent been sad in so long i feel so shit when i got sad now bc its just so badd but also i find sm comfort it feels freeing but i know i can be happy and that im only choosing to be sad to be sad

i hate being sad bc i know i will be sad alone and not with someone

i am so fucking fatt i weighed myself and i was 73kg like wtf i gained 14kg since my lowest and only 6kg from my highest are left no wonder i had „body dysmorphia” which i actually didnt have i was just fat

idek, its the same way, i keep on gaining, getting lazier, and all i can think about is stroking my dick, how do i lose all this weight now? it seems anything i eat has like 1000kcals and i know how it all works ive been there there were days i didnt eat at all and be fine, now every day i eat less i feel garbage, i cant fast and gym has been a struggle, no progress but keep on “getting carbs” to “fuel the muscles” like omfg it doesnt go there, why? its not that i hate my life, i hate being fat, i have 4-5months to get lean and all i did was gain 2kg

finally i locked in, fasting, not eating snacks, all i eat is dinner and dessert, so roughly about 1.2k?? idk i had a donut and some soup and meat with beans and fries so ig it could add up but tbh i couldn’t be bothered to count, the most important thing is i eat way less then usual

okay, starting tomorrow, i have to do minimum 15 mins of lvl 10 stairmaster no matter what, and try to walk more, sleep more, study more, eat less, be better

i fcked up, lowkey gained 2kg instead of losing it? idk i had a plan to cut starting from new year but i kinda wanna just do an aggresive cut for like a month, i dont want to lose my muscles and strength tho so idk, maybe when i bp 20kg ill cut? and for now just dont snack and add more calories? ig thats sound good idk

omfg guys i m coming back, i just need to go back to my lw and ill be fine, just 8kg to lose so ig a month?? and ill be cool, ever since i joined them gym i started eating so fucking much with excuses „i need fuel” „i need protein to build muscles” etc and i know its true but i started eating a whole bag of granola a day and i feel so badddd

plus some of yall expect results you cannot achieve starving, i know this community and lots of people here wants to actually look deadly sick with notiing but bones and skin, but i know a lot of people here also want to look as their inspo, which usually is a bit muscly which takes training and that training need food, so dont expect mildly muscular physique with 300cal deficit bc that un achievable, and to people who want to look like bothing but sheer skin and bones, i hope yall get better and find true meaning of your life, that is a disorder which means you might crave something that isnt healthy, also some of yall starve to die, and i know i cannot help you, and you will struggle, but please try actually find something that will cling you to living, it might be anything as long as tou get better, it can be something that i s extreme but as long as youre here its fine, and i know how it is because ive been thru all these phases, i still want that muscle physique ive seen on spo, thats why i cling to it, i still wanna die, but i reach for a will, even if im crying and losing my mind in the bathroom at 2am, i know that tomorrow i will forget it and live as always, and i might cry and lose my mind again the next night, but that doesnt mean that the day you have lived thru doesn’t matter, the cereal you ate, a few steps you took, even the doomscroll or porn it matters, and thats all human and normal and healthy as long as youre here, i might be shitty at comforting and helping people but i have good intentions and im wrting this genuinely to help everybody

and i dont regret losing weight, i regret the way i did it, could easily lose the same weight within the same time way healthier, i had ups and downs and i know now that starving myself wasnt the best decision but it made me more conscious about my body and wiser, thats why im telling you not to starve yourselves but to approach it differently, healthier, also i didnt notice it back then but now i do, when you starve you get high, its not nice, its dangerous for you and people around you, you lose memories, and everything is a blur, but you could have been agressive or making clown of yourself without even knowing it bc starving isnt losing weight but it makes irreversible damage to your brain and your body

its sad seeing people still being here, starving themselves, when you get better, and i dont mean im 100%better then them, im not happy or anyhow stable mentally, but i wouldnt go back to straight up starving myself for days or weeks or months, and i hope people here will get better either mentally and/or physically. i hope you all see the beauty within yourselves!🫶🫶🫶

im so fcking horny lately all i want to do is stroke my d*ck, also i feel more motivation to be skinnier, do lots worksout avoid food and drink lots of water so i hope i get to be the best version of myself