Snowbunny Watching

This is me tumbling down the rabbit hole again. My previous blog, Snowbunny’s Fantasies, got deleted, so I’ve made this one to follow and talk with people. I don’t expect to post much, so as not to anger the tumblr gods.

I’m a white girl with dark fantasies. Fantasies about racial differences and a society trying to heal the wounds of countless of years of injustice. I love talking about ideas, and I’m always on the lookout for intelligent people to inspire and get inspired by.

A word of warning, though: I’m in a loving relationship with my (white) boyfriend, who doesn’t need to know about the existence of this blog. My fantasies are fantasies only. I’m not looking to make them a reality, so don’t contact me if you want to meet up or want to offer what you think is “helpful advice” on how to make them real.

Age: Late twenties.

Appearance: Red hair, blue eyes, pale skin. Not particularly curvy.

I have not seen the trailer. But it appears they're remaking the original movie (that I haven't seen either), replacing the white lead (Pierce Brosnan) with a Black one (Michael B. Jordan).

That sounds like something I support. :)

I do. Not like bodybuilder-muscled, but I think this is a good look:

I'm sitting in front of the computer late at night. I'm watching some "interesting" material, wearing headphones so the sound doesn't wake up my boyfriend. Suddenly the door opens behind me. It's my boyfriend who heard some weird noise and came to investigate. He gets a good long look at what's happening before I have time to close the computer.

I admit that it isn't the first time this has happened. He says that he doesn't know what to say. I tell him that this doesn't have to change anything. He says he isn't sure about that.

Two months later, I'm moving into my new apartment. The first thing I do is hang a "Black Lives Matter" banner on my bedroom wall.

This is all something I express solely through my husband and our sex lives, so I'm writing to you as a sort of cathartic expression, that I feel like only someone with your preferences and experiences may somewhat understand.

I'm in my 30s now and I think I know myself better than I ever have before. It's something that I realized gradually. I had a lot of black celebrity crushes growing up. I think I was in denial for a long time. Looking back maybe it should have been more obvious but part of me didn't want it to be true for different reasons so I didn't allow myself to really think about it too deeply.

I'm not even sure my husband fully realizes this, although part of me hopes he does, but part of me hopes he doesn't... it's more than just an online blog fantasy for me. It's a real attraction that I feel even though it's difficult for me to express or say it out loud at times. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's difficult to completely shake the shame I've felt about it as a result of my upbringing after so many years.

My husband and I also play around a lot with the humiliation and teasing aspect to all of this "hotwifing" stuff, and he loves to be made to feel inferior, but I worry sometimes because I never want to hurt him in any way.

Shame is something I want to fully separate from this part of my mind and my sexuality, but how? Anyways, thanks for reading.

It depends on a lot of things. On the surface, it sounds like a no-brainer to move forward if he shared these fantasies. But it would be one thing for him to be interested in IR in general, and for him to discover that his long-term girlfriend had been fantasizing about men very different from himself.

I love reading your fantasy posts though. I can't help liking the idea that I could help atone for the past or make a better future through submitting to Black men. But it's a fantasy I've tried to ignore for literally years while I've been following you because I have a white bf (now fiance). I want a Black man to just like take me so I can pretend I didn't intend for it to happen. I want him to overwhelm me with his size and strength. It isn't that my fiance is inadequate it's just...I want something...more? Different?

So now I'm shamefully daydreaming about a bachelorette where I create a situation where I'm dressed sluttily in a club full of Black men and I'm "too drunk" to resist temptation. I won't do it. Of course I won't. But doesn't stop me thinking about it.

Anyway, thanks for your blog.

Girl, I'm totally with you. On all of it.

The fantasy of being taken against one's will by a strong, Black man is a powerful fantasy. As you also note, it removes all sense of guilt from the equation. "I couldn't help it, I was powerless." In a culture that frowns on the female sexuality, this is a convenient way of "allowing" oneself to fantasize about Black men. 

But as you also note, it is based on a stereotype that has led to the persecution of Black men. Actual Black men have been lynched because it was more socially accdptable for a white girl to accuse him of rape than of admitting a mutual relationship.

Fortunately, there are other ways of indulging oneself in fantasies of being with a Black man. 

One way is to change the coercive factor into something other than the individual Black man. Like in your fantasy about being too intoxicated to reject his advances. "I couldn't help it, I was drunk." Or in my own 'societal fantasies', in which the structures of a racially just society facilitates the carnal union. "I couldn't help it, I blame society."

Another way is to reaffirm female agency, actively choosing to be with a Black man, demanding that female sexuality is every bit as valid as male sexuality. "I choose this because I wanted it."

I completely understand daydreaming of Black men while having a white fiancé. You shouldn't feel guilty about it one bit.

Thank you sharing your story.

Outreach programs directed at young, Black men with a history of getting in trouble with the law. The programs would involve mentorship programs involving peers with lived experiences, generous stipended skill development, and of course a full expungement of criminal records.

The program would ensure stable jobs with benefits for participants, putting them back on track as contributing members of society.

This would also make those Black men better equipped to attract and date white girls, ensuring that more white girls end up with Black ex-felons.

Great question. And yes, I do. I try to share some of it from time to time, but there's a few barriers:

One, Tumblr's policy on explicit content. I try to keep this blog from getting tagged with "mature content" (or worse, deleted), which puts some serious limits on the words I can use, the content I can post, etc.

You can do a lot with the power of suggestion, but when describing detailed fantasies, it feels like writing bad romance novels, with knights sheathing their blades to the hilt, etc.

Two, I have a white boyfriend who doesn't know about this blog. I've written it for several years without him discovering, but I write every post with the thought in the back of my mind that he might one day read what I've been writing. That puts a damper on how much I can put myself out there.

If you could plan a dream holiday, take (or don't take) anyone you like, do anything you like without consequences, where do you see yourself going and what would you get up to?

I've been struggling with answering this one. All because of those little words "without consequences". What does it mean for something to have no consequences?

Does it merely mean that I wouldn't get caught, that no one else would know what happened?

Because there would still be consequences. I would come back from such a holiday a changed person, with memories and experiences deeply altering who I am.

Things that are now safely locked away in that box in my mind labelled "just fantasies" would have been set free, always tempting me with the possibility that there could be a next time.

Or does "without consequences" mean that I could set up my own private pocket universe? Slipping away and living out my fantasies, and then, with heavy heart, unmaking the pocket universe and continuing my life in the "real universe", as if nothing ever happened?

Sorry, wrong answer. I meant "lots of craaaazy hot stuff with Black guys, lol".

Thank you, glad you like them. Truth be told, it's a way of posting some of the many beautiful mixed couples I've saved. I like to use a picture when answering asks, but I've been saving more pictures than I've been posting. And the "quote posts" are a way of reducing the backlog.

Anyway, here is one of those beautiful couples I've saved.