Sir, I'm Just A Bellboy

person B getting attacked with an axe

Ilya does love seeing old photos of Shane. Fat Baby Shane™ in all his forms, toddler Shane in his little hockey gear, Shane in elementary school with a big missing-teeth smile, Shane blowing out the candles on his 10th birthday, Shane holding up his brand new driver's license at 16. The list goes on.

One day Yuna finds an old disposable camera. The expiration date on it says 2009. She tells Shane about it; it might have some old photos from his graduation on it or something. She'd gotten a digital camera around that time so she can't remember what she used this one for. Shane is pretty indifferent about it.

Yuna sends the camera off to some company that still develops old camera film. It's about 15 years old at this point, though, so whatever is on it might not even develop correctly.

A few weeks later Shane and Ilya are over for dinner. Yuna tells them she got the photos back and they actually turned out ok. She hands over the stack of 10 photos. Shane rolls his eyes, but Ilya grabs the photos and starts flipping through them. The first two look like they are from some school event; there's Shane surrounded by similarly aged kids in an auditorium. There's one of the three of them on Thanksgiving that year and another of the three of them with Yuna's parents at the same dinner. Two of David asleep on the couch with the family dog clearly taken on different days. One of a Christmas tree in the Hollander's living room. The next two are Shane on the ice in a rink that Ilya recognizes as the one in Regina. The one from their first World Juniors Tournament.

And Ilya freezes. The last photo in the stack is a close-up of Shane. He's in a white hoodie with a black coat over it. He has on a dark green beanie and he's standing next to the door to the rink. He's smiling for the camera and his freckles are crinkled near his eyes. It's the Shane that so awkwardly and so confidently introduced himself to Ilya the first time they met. The Shane that had tried so hard to talk to Ilya then. The Shane that Ilya could admit to himself now that he'd had a bit of a crush on already. His Shane.

stage 2 of liking media: haha remember when blorbo bleepus did that thing that was so funny

stage 3 of liking media: huh this one song is kind of blorbo bleepus… if you think about this other song is also kind of blorbo bleepus

stage 4 of liking media: blorbo bleepus is really interesting… here’s a sensible analysis post

stage 5 of liking media: FUCK. THE CHARACTER. THE CHARACTER IM HAVING A CHARACTER ATTACK

stage 6 of liking media: well let’s see what ao3 has to offer!

stage 7 of liking media: everything goes on my character playlist. this song with no lyrics is about blorbo bleepus exploding a building and looking really cool. if this lyric was an entirely different sentence it would fit perfectly

And seeing that faith shining back at him makes Jack want to be better, to become the man Ianto believes he can be and stand up to them... even if he can't correct his past mistakes he can at least make some reparations, and make sure history doesn't repeat itself. Ianto's belief in him makes him see that as an actual real possibility.

....And then of course that happens, and Jack says "I take it all back okay, but not him" but it's no good, it's too late and Ianto is dead, and those ideals feel at best unachievable and also cruelly mocking now, and really Jack is so tired, too tired of death and losing people and heartache to carry on fighting in the way Ianto believed his could; he just wants it to be over, which is what leads to his choice to sacrifice Steven, and to leaving Gwen behind because he knows she has too much of that same fight in her that Ianto had, and some faith and hope left in him even now, and Jack can't bear to see that every day. Leaving hurts too, of course it does, but everything hurts in the wake of what's happened and he thinks maybe this will be the lesser pain in the end.