#motherhustler

January 7, 2023

One day before the big 40, and the biggest let down of what would begin the next chapter of my life. Turning 40 should be “epic”, closest friends (I don’t have many), happy, energetic, and ready for the next 10 years. 10 years of truly figuring me out, but already knowing where I want to be, want to go, and who is lucky enough to share it with me. Instead my last day in my 30’s, dreading tomorrow, (the big 40), and now clinging to the last moments in my 30’s which by far was the best decade I have lived yet. I raised my babies, something I can never do again, had my last baby in my 30’s, moved to new home, watched dreams happen that I never thought I would achieve, started school, this is a chapter or decade rather, I do NOT want to let go, yet it ends tomorrow.

When you talk about being excited about something, wanting something so bad on the one and only day for just you, and here it is the eve of that big day, the day you have only talked about for the last 5 years, only to be sitting alone, with tired, cried out eyes because…… silence————————————————————— (that’s all you hear) nothing happens, well that’s me. Excuse after excuse is all I hear. We don’t have the money, 3 months I’ve been planning this out in my head, how it would go, where we would be, what we would be doing and who would be there, yet here I sit knowing that absolutely nothing is going to happen. Shame on me for thinking otherwise, I guess that is what you get when let your walls down. Your responses are the same, so cynical, “we don’t have the money”, “sorry I couldn’t do what I had planned”, “sorry you are mad about it”, sorry, sorry, sorry, blah, blah, blah, that is what I hear, better yet that is exactly what happened. I am not sure you even truly knew what I wanted, you never listen to me, it goes in one ear and out the other, but in all actuality you don’t know because you don’t have one sentimental, loving bone in your body, you’re nothing but fucking cold. In the last six months that’s all that has happened, tear after tear, let down after let down, and heartbreak that I have never in my life experienced in the 12 years we’ve been married or the 17 years in total we have been together. How do we fix it now? How do we even get back on track when this ultimately has pushed me so far away Im not sure I know how to believe in you again…. I want to so bad, but the though of your unthoughtful-ness crushes every part of my being.

So for now, turning 40 is still focusing on me, focusing on a new career, and providing myself with the stability that I know I can. I can hustle, and I know how to work hard, it is becoming routined and staying motivated that causes me to fail, but when it is you against the world the only thing left to do is push through or else you will drown, only you have the key to change your destiny, and anyone who is blessed to be a part of that is there for the ride.

So 40 whether or not I am ready for you coming, I will smile, do my best to embrace it and become what I can only hope will be the best version of myself. So self, here is to the next 10 years. Self, you ARE your biggest enemy and your greatest cheerleader, you can do this. Self, your bones are strong, and your heart is so good.