Sincerely, Ian

December 20, 1994. A miracle baby boy was born; he is born with a congenital heart disease and down syndrome. Congenital Heart Disease (CHD) is a disease present at birth and refers to variations of complications of the heart; this kind of abnormality occurs during pregnancy. Under this disease, Atrial septal defect (ASD): In this condition, there is an abnormal opening between the two upper chambers of the heart — the right and left atria — causing an abnormal blood flow through the heart. Down Syndrome (DS) or also known as Trisomy 21 is a genetic condition caused by an extra 21st chromosome in the body and commonly causes an anomaly to humans. To live in a world full of difficulty and discrimination, yet, he is never the one to be deterred by such hindrances to live a life full of love, of hope to someday be better, wishes, and determination. It was never easy, no one said it was easy.

My uncle was born on the 20th of December 1994 at the Philippine General Hospital, Metro Manila, he was the 9th child of my late grandfather, Ismael A. Tolentino and late grandmother, Lilian M. Tolentino.  Life was not easy during those days, his parents, my grandmother is a manicurist while my grandfather was a carpenter, supporting all 9 children and themselves as well. At the age of 44 my late Grandmother, she gave birth to my uncle. An explanation was given to the family by the attending physician that my uncle was diagnosed with DS due to my late grandmother’s thinning of the walls of her uterus as well as because of her age, the vitamins was not enough to form a fully developed baby. After his birth, he was already on medications due to his condition; according to my mother, his older sister, my uncle had to take different medications for his heart and blood flow to regulate as he was diagnosed with ASD that caused an abnormal blood flow in his system. Almost a year old, they got back to the hospital. The same attending physician advised my late grandmother together with my mom to have a surgery to close the small gap in his heart as there were new machines to help his condition. At that time, Lola Lilian refused the surgery; he was still young and the machineries were new and it added fear to her. Instead, he took prescribed maintenance medication to alleviate the pain and his condition while he was still not ready for surgery.

Years passed, as he aged the gap in his heart became a hole, it also grew with him. My mom became his legal guardian as my lola died. During those years, my lolo was unable to help due to his age and years after, followed my lola’s side. My mother transferred my tito to a relatively closer hospital, Ospital ng Muntinlupa, and there he continued his regular check-ups and his medications. Around 17 to 18 years old, the doctor, Dra. Balderas from Asian Hospital, advised my mom to have his surgery again, as tito was having frequent attacks. For the second time, the advice was refused not by my mother but by their other siblings. Tito was going to be needing more frequent medical attention not only from medical attendees but also from his siblings. During those times, we (me, my siblings and cousins) are still all relatively young thus the refusal of the offer. Once again, he just continued his regular check-ups and medications until he was confined for a very long time and the physician told my mom that, anytime he will go. After a month, he was released, thankfully. But three months passed, another attack happened, he was rushed to Biñan Doctor’s Hospital and almost two months he was confined to the ward and later advised to be in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) but he was put in a private room per my mother’s request. After that, he went back to us, in our house, and it was well. I, at least, thought so. Until another month passed and he had another attack during a dinner with my other uncle, our parents were out visiting my other late grandfather to the hospital. As I was there to witness it, my tito just ran into the comfort room, coughing and then suddenly, he was vomiting, calling for my other tito. Then, it became my last memory of him, he was rushed into the hospital but he was declared dead on arrival due to congestive heart failure and because of having no medical attention immediately.

“Know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.” English singer and songwriter, Adele, said in her studio debut album called 19, Make You Feel My Love. Love is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as a great and deep affection towards someone and/or something; this somewhat supports an observation of how love can make us go far and beyond our comfort zones for the people we love and how it comes in different kinds; familial, romantic, and platonic love. This concept of affection could never be right or wrong. The LGBTQIA+ community is a group where one can find all three different kinds of love; through found family that one has found as they become open to the world, being who they really are, through friendship, and/or through their significant other/s and being safe in the arms of loved ones. Through the community, one can and must say there is really nothing that someone would not do (as a part of the community or not) to make you feel loved and safe with them.

Prayers for Bobby is a Television Film released on the 21st of January in 2009. A True story of a mother who loved, who only wanted to help, and eventually grieved for someone. Prayers for Bobby took place in the United States of America around 1979. The said TV Film is about a devoted Christian family, especially the mother, Mary Griffith. Mary raised her children with the conservative and sacred teachings of the Presbyterian Church.

 It started with Booby, the second son from the Griffith Family, exploring and questioning his sexuality. A day after school, the eldest came home from an outside activity and saw no one inside their living room, yet the TV was turned on. Stranged by the scenario at hand, he followed his instincts and got to the comfort room near the living room and saw the mirror cabinet open. Trailing, not so cautiously, in the house, he found Bobby’s room door open and on the floor, lay a bottle of pills and the said owner of the room was in his bed. Panicking, the older brother asked if he took the pills and was relieved when he was answered by his younger brother that he did not do it. He, Bobby, then confides to his brother that he may be gay. Life moved on with the constant worry of someone might tell their mom about his current predicament; and the older brother, the only one who knew, did. After that, day and night, Mary bombarded Bobby to change, to pray, and to seek God’s guidance about his homosexuality to help him ‘heal’. While the other family members moved on from that fact, Mary did not stop bombarding Bobby with the sacred scriptures from the bible. Determined and desperate to gain his mother’s trust again and to bring back the peace in their home, he did what his mother asked him to do; causing his school and social life to go into pieces and himself to be withdrawn to the world and depressed about it. 

 Through a trip to Portland to his cousin, he met the ideal guy named David. In this, he felt loved, secured, and accepted. But relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies; they had their downs and fights that escalated Bobby’s thoughts and feelings that he felt back home. His subsequent depression and self-loathing of not being the ‘perfect son’ for his mother intensified. This resulted in Bobby taking his own life. The first to receive the news was his sister, then his dad, his brother, and lastly his mother. Faced with such a difficult tragedy, the heavy feeling being a constant and the longing for her son, Mary dreamt of Bobby, convincing herself that he’s still alive and their predicament is just an illusion, it is not real. When Mary doesn't hear back from the pastor in their church about her tragic loss, she starts to doubt and question her faith. Mary questioned if her thinking, mindset, outlook to people is still right due to her faith. This leads me (as a viewer) lead to a conclusion that Mary may also be questioning her faith, if it was worth it for the life and love her son had been deprived of. She found a journal from Bobby’s room, the attic, about him, his thoughts, and feelings. Mary gradually reaches out to the LGBT+ community during her difficult and protracted trip through Rev. Whitsell from the Metropolitan Community Church, she denied the reverend’s beliefs about the gays. He invited Mary to return if she can ask questions without accusing or blaming him about his beliefs. This started the change of Mary’s behavior, attitude, outlook about the people in the community and the process of enlightenment for her and her son’s situation. Through this, she actually but reluctantly attended the Walnut Grove City Council debate about the Gay Pride celebration. There, she met and heard people that have a close-minded viewpoint for the community. Mary was the last speaker to speak in front of the podium and re-stated the statements and beliefs of the old Mary, but later on made clear that she is pro for the Gay Pride celebration with the PFLAG symbol adorning her chest. The TV Film concludes with the Griffith Family attending and leading the major Gay Pride in San Francisco, USA. 

I could relate well with Bobby growing up in a conservative and religious family, as Catholics and on my father's side with adherence to some of the Chinese traditions. Years with fear of abandonment and rejection as I grew up in conservative household, I finally came to terms that I am non binary with a preference for women and recently, I came out to my parents and my siblings about it. My siblings took it well, asking me questions about how I feel, what happened, when did I know I am non-binary, and stuff like that. They are two years younger than me and they have always been supportive of everything I do and always try to understand my interests and the likes, thus I am not shocked when they ask me questions. Rather, it gave me comfort knowing and seeing that the things that I have been afraid of when I thought of coming out are not happening. My mom, surprisingly, took it relatively well but of course, the sermon about just not meeting the right man for me is still ever so present. Well, at least she acknowledged me, and I am more than thankful for that. Same goes with my dad, he acknowledged the fact I am part of the community saying things like, “Basta, wala kang tinatapakang tao and gusto mo ginagawa mo, ayos lang sa akin.” My family took the news well despite the beliefs we were acquainted with. They made me feel supported, safe, and loved. Something that Bobby sought in his family.  

Through the years of living in fear of the abandonment and rejection from my peers, I have found my solace. My cousin, Lou, was the very first to know. I did not tell him about it but he knew as he’s the only family and friend that I was close with at that time and that gave me that acceptance without judgment and questions asked. My friend since grade 8, Anne, was the first person to know. The first friend I actually told about my sexuality, she received the news with nonchalance stating that “wala naming magbabago, frenny pa rin naman kita.”. Then, comes my senior high school friends. In Grade 11, I had Shan and Jamie as my only friends. I did not explicitly tell them about me, it’s just another Lou situation if I’m gonna be honest. Grade 12, this year, I came into terms with me being addressed in he/they pronouns and the euphoric feeling of being called Ian. And recently, a week ago, I posted on my facebook account to specific friends that I am the most comfortable to be addressed as he/they and it’s fine with me being called Lia but also I wish that they would also call me Ian at times and they are the only people that I could trust with this kind of information about me. Let’s just say, things went great and bad at the same time. Harriet and Ar-yan are two additions to my very short list of friends and they are more than willing to make me comfortable asking me how I feel and addressing me correctly. This is something Bobby had found in the shape of his cousin and his ex-lover David.

As Adele had mentioned in her song, there is really nothing that one would not do to make you feel their love. Mary might not had it easy when it comes to that but eventually she loved that aspect of Bobby and even created a space to remember and honor him; not only does she honored him as her son, she also made a step to acknowledge and embrace the diversity that people have in terms of their gender and sexuality and created a safe space for everybody. This may not be the easiest path one could take but I think, for me at least, it is worth it. To feel the love, security, acceptance, and did I mention love? There shall be a time where we do not have to beg nor yearn for acceptance of the society and love from family and friends, rather as time progresses, I hope time would make it better for us all. 

To you, I hope you find or found the security and love that you deserve from your circle. If not, I am wishing for better days for you and me. 

Sincerely,

the moon once disappeared while i was at my lowest it didn't appear for a very long time that it felt like abandonment now, it's hard to see the moon without crying

it felt like a warm embrace but also a taunting gaze over me, weeping maybe it's because it reminded me of you like how you left me while i was grieving

you left while i was grieving left while i was mourning for a presence to anchor myself onto and came back to tell me things i needed to know but maybe it's because it's over, i mourned more for it

             After years of trying and trying, the most-awaited part of the Lacostales’ Family was born on the 13th of May of the year 2005; Kristyle. In her true fashion, she made them wait and try for years before she blessed the family with her presence, passion, empathy, and drive to help others as long as it is within her capability to do so. At the age of 17, she proved herself to everyone to be the very best, especially to her mom. The love of her life, her anchor, her solace.

             Kristyle has very expressive eyes; her eyes alone speak a lot and speak before she even utters a word. The same very eyes that bear the exhaustion and sadness of a 17 year old girl. One would see her in school as the very jolly person, outgoing, participative, friendly and all of the positive adjectives that one could think of that is fitting for her personality, but despite all that façade, just like everybody else, she suffers in silence. As docile as she is in school, the more that she is at home. Kristyle is an only child. As she is wrapped with gold chains and other gold jewelries, giving the impression of she is from a well-off family. The different gold jewelries are from her mother’s younger years; collecting different and authentic gold, before was draped on herself, now was a part of her daughter’s journey to be the woman that she is.  

             Starting at the early age of 11, a Grade 7 student, she started being a major part of their family business. Their family was not that well-off as they are right now thus she became a part of it, not only for that matter but also because her mother was already old enough to feel the “signs of age”. Through her actions, she showcased her empathic behavior, of how she is capable of having that drive to help her mother. It must be hard for her, thinking that an eleven (11) year-old girl would already be a part of a busy business. It might be hard but she powered through all that, as she is still part of their business, personally handling three different businesses every single day.

             She would attend school at 7am and immediately after class, she would go home to take her rest until in the late afternoon 3pm before she starts her shift at work. Her shift starts at 3pm and ends at around midnight, giving her little to no rest, as every day differs from another. Although it affects her attendance in the slightest bit, she still chooses to be a part of it. Heeding her mother’s advice that all of the things she’s doing before until now, is all just for her sake. A teenager like Kristyle would jokingly say their priorities in life would be having a boyfriend, but for her, it is the least of her worries. For this reason, her main goal in life is to give her parents the best life they could have while they are with her and the best life that she could have; focusing mainly on herself and career.

            She was never the girl I would try to befriend; she was brash, loud, and too insensitive for me. All this time, that was the Kristyle that I knew, that I painted in my mind. Yes, she was brash, loud, and insensitive at times but she was just more than that. I realized that when she told me her story; she is just like me. I never had the chance to be me at home, all I had before was an escape from home: the school. It had been my space to be free, to express who I am, and when she told me her story, I remember the times that I am only allowed to wear make up at school, allowed to laugh so freely, be the person I want to, a person that was me that I could not let people from home see or rather the person that I don't want them to see; afraid to be too vulnerable and to ne judged under scrutinizing gazes.

joyous chatter emanates within the walls.

underneath the moonlit halls

lies a Queen, hoping for a sliver of hope

it unveils what she truly desires.

“angels, hear my plea.”

no one else but the stars and I see,

nowhere but to the sky she submits,

alas, she accepts defeat.

marking the day of May,

a cruel spring and summer, I’d say

remember the bloom of the daffodils,

carrying the sliver of hope, you pray for still.

the order of the Light expresses naked truth,

it's never vain, the Nile, ever omnipotent

to seek answers, is what she truly yearned

a never ending story be made where, nifty endings are unlike in this story, 

sa daang kaliwa't kanan, pa timog at hilaga ang tungo

ika'y maliligaw sa kitid o sa lawak nito

walang katapusang pakikipagsapalaran

sa daang tila walang katapusan

sa pagbaybay ko sa malawak na kalsada

punong-puno ng tao at trapiko, saan ka man mapunta

traffic enforcer dito, traffic sign doon

traffic light d'yan, traffic cones pa kung saan

sa lakas ng hangin 'di ko na marinig ang mga boses,

sa lakas ng patak ng ulan sa aking katawan na 'di ko na mabilang ng ilang beses

tila isang mabisang paraan upang 'di maramdaman

ang mga posas, posas ng kahapon, posas na linulubid ako sa kawalan

tila dito sa kawalan

hindi matapos-tapos lahat ng dapat tandaang daan

hindi matapos-tapos ang daang pinaglalakbayan

tila sa daang ito, ako ay naligaw, napabayaan

hindi alam kung saan tutungo pero

hindi nawawalan ng pag-asa

pag-asa na baka meron pa, kaya pa,

kaya pa ba talaga?

“ano bang kailangan mo?

pagod na pagod na 'ko.”

ano pa bang kailangan mo?

gusto ko nang tapusin lahat ng 'to.

kasabay ng nakakahilong sikat ng araw

ay ang paghihingalo, tila ayaw

magpahinga

kahit ang mga paa'y umaalma na

sa patuloy na pagtahak

mga bato sa semento ay sandamakmak

mga mumunting paa humihiyaw kada apak

tila 'di alintana ang dulot nitong hamak

ayaw tumanggap ng hangin ng aking mga baga

buong pagkatao’y sinisilaban, nagbabaga

nararamdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng aking mga mata,

isang kamay ang siyang yumayakap

(sa mga mata upang pagtakpan ang mga salitang puro pabula)

nararamdaman ko ang init ngunit pag limita sa daloy ng hangin

(sa lalamunan na gustong sumigaw, sa labing bumuka ngunit hindi kaya)

sa daang tinutungo

patuloy na ninanais

patuloy na iniisip

ngayon,

sa daang ito

patuloy akong maglalakad

patuloy akong titingin

ngayon,

sa harap ko

ang dulo ng sinambit nilang walang hanggang daan

ang dulo sa lahat ng hinagpis na pinagdaan

ngayon,

ika-dalawampu't apat ng disyembre

ang pagkabuhay niya ang takdang darating

katumbas ng isang buhay na mawawala sa kanyang piling

ngayon,

ika-dalawampu't apat ng disyembre

lilingon pabalik at lilimutin

itinakdang at inaasam na dulo sa walang hanggan ay siyang haharapin

ngayong ika-dalawampu't apat ng disyembre

ay siyang araw kung saan magiging isa ako

kasama ang kalsada, kasama ang trapiko

kasama ang minimithing dulo

sa pagsambit ng aking wakas,

mga luha ay walang katapusan ang pag-agos.

wala nang tirang lakas–

The scratching of paper is the only sound that could be heard in the silent dead of night, he writes;

To you My Dearest,

Bzz. Bzz. Bzzzz. A buzzing sound came under the pillows, waking her up and eyes bleary from sleep. She reads “Wake up!! It’s 5am already!!” as her iPhone continues to buzz of; quite effectively waking her up and her sisters. As time ticks, her eyes, well… She fell asleep again. “Ate! Gising na, ala-sais na!” Despite being late she surely took her time preparing for school and to get there. “Good morning, Kuya Yem!” She greeted the campus guard. “Late ka na. Mag-in ka na.” He replied and chuckled good naturedly, as in his words, “ikaw lagi huli ah.”

Well, that’s the morning of a 14 year old girl named Julianna. Quite uneventful, if you ask me, except for the part she would almost run to school for her to not be late. (She’s actually already 10mins late.)

Life would be so dull without her friends and I agree with her, every morning she would hear the sound of laughter soon becoming them calling her name, wanting to share the thing they have been talking about while she’s not there. Everyday feels so euphoric, she wouldn’t want the feeling to end and so does ending the day with a simple goodbye. An hour prior to her 5pm curfew, Julianna and her friends would always stay near the school campus; buying food such as the infamous siomai rice nila angel, tusok-tusok sa kanto, karinderya ni nanay, and many more. Weekdays might be tiring, waking up at 5– rather at 6am, brisk walking to school to be on the dot before she’s marked as tardy, and in engaging and doing her lessons but the fun of having friends that always got your back eases the tiredness from all of it. If I were to talk to her about her friends, she would immediately gush about them and their silly stories and I definitely understand, having that kind of adoration to your friends.

Things were bound to happen as she experience difficulty relating to her friends, personal problems and her academics. Friends come and go, they say, and she would always tear up upon agreement to that statement. Her insecurities of having no one by her side because of her behavior and attitude, the constant nagging of the voices in her mind that she will never be enough, and the constant comments of peers on her body ate her up to nothingness. 

Due to COVID-19 in the country, all was made to be accustomed to the new normal. There was never a day that she would not cry herself to sleep, alone with her thoughts, trying to ease herself up she did not do anything wrong. Since then, it had been a constant to her to keep her peers at bay, never really having the opportunity to know her past the façade she had built up through tough times. 

I had gone through the last year of my Junior High School, building my self confidence once again, yet keeping my peers at bay and did everything that I can do to also keep the thoughts at bay. All of my hard work had paid off, finishing as one of the honors and the Top 40 out of 700 honor students in the school. News spread out pretty quickly and another unexpected news that one of my aunts are having their second baby, after years. I was delighted to the point I got ready 4 hours early of the said moving up date to visit my grandmother and my aunt in their home. They had always been the people that inspired me to be the better version of myself, imagining the proud smiles, hugs, and praises I would receive once they knew. 

My achievements feel like then it have its consequences. After a month or so of the moving up and recognition ceremony, our family hit rock bottom. My father had been in quarantine for weeks as he doesn’t feel well, his condition getting worse as days pass by. Due to my father’s situation he had to be rushed in the hospital after weeks of not feeling well. Then on top of this, my aunt’s husband had been calling nonstop and bombarding us as he informed us that my aunt was also not feeling well. Me and my sisters have to move out of our own home as we also have to quarantine ourselves. During the fiasco we were in our grandfather’s house, I was taking my online classes while my sisters have their modules to tend to, mentally and physically adjusting to the sudden change. A week had passed, my parents regularly call us for lunch and before dinner; my mom, always the worrywart that she is, always reminding us to never skip our meals and all. A fine Monday morning, as I was getting my breakfast, my Tita She asked me out of the blue if Tita Jack was my favorite aunt, she asked me a couple of times and I had to question this, “Why? Is there something wrong?”. I thought she would simply deny the question but what I did not expect was her saying the most dreading thing I could ever hear in my life, “Si Tita Jack mo, wala na siya.” We lost my aunt and cousin due to COVID. We lost another family. Amidst the chaos, my dad was tested negative for COVID-19 but still at the hospital, as there are also other complications but nothing that medication can not mend.

I was the first from the third generation of the family to know, they deemed me well enough to take the news as I was the eldest. It was certainly not easy. After what felt like an hour, I stood up from the table, quickly wiping my tears away and muttering that I am going to get ready for my classes. I feel numb. My dad is still in the hospital with my mom taking care of him. I did not talk to anyone, I shut myself down from everyone. Cried myself to sleep, tried opening up, and then eventually bursting with my emotions, sobbing as I recall everything. Tita Josephine had witnessed all that, trying to comfort in a way. It was not easy, never was it easy to let go of someone you loved so dearly. I buried myself deep into school works, different organization responsibilities, working out, and trying out new dishes just to get myself out of the zone wherein I am stuck, doing nothing, weeping over everything. 

Up to this day, I could not say I am now over the fact I lost my aunt and cousin, and just recently we lost another family. Moving on is certainly not easy, letting go of the pain, the memories, and all is never an easy path for me and I guess, for everyone else. 

What I had learned from this is moving on is not forgetting, not letting go of the memories. Moving on is moving forward with new battle scars that adorn our hearts that makes us the person that we are, existing in the present time. 

I will not be the same Julianna that my peers had known during my present Senior High School years if I have not experienced a single thing of this. I am not me if I do not have the scars of a person who fought battlefields after battlefields. Some wounds, over the time, have already healed up but most of it is still not. I am not complaining, I am me. I am not complaining as I have my heart that is adorned with scars of the past and my mind sharper than ever to rule, to be me, to be the very best that I can be. 

My story does not end here, it shall forever go on even as I perish in the mortal realm. Let us meet each other, ‘til the day you remember me. ‘Til the day you still shine bright as ever, my little bolide. 

Sincerely,

When one learns to sing, they are taught the proper breathing technique to pause, to catch their breath or to simply add feelings to a piece. It could also be to have a better dynamic in singing. Singing is our life; we have our pauses, our highs, and our lows. When we think we’re at our peak, it feels exhilarating. When we spiral down to nothingness, it's depressing. We could never stay at the top, all the time, as singers we must learn to rest, reassess the situation (“Can I do it? Will I be able to do it?”) and gradually come back to belt out our best self. This is what I have taught myself in the process of knowing who I am and the things where my passion lies. But challenges are inevitable thus we need to stop and rest, right? In a constantly changing world, where the music does not stop, one might not catch their breath and get lost in their voice and tune. One would try to catch up, even in dissonance. A paper is made to weave one’s dissonance into art, to appreciate one’s beautiful tune and groove amidst the chaotic harmony that surrounds it.

While reading the first poem entitled, “Dear Diary,”. It made a deep impression to me that the Author had gone through a major life event that made them change. In this instance, I personally perceive the major life event to be the time we were forced to adapt to the new normal. It is perceptible in the lines, “When others made the most out of this period//My head created more voices to fill the void//Only beating myself up all night, thinking//Barely breathing. Deeply drowning// I was told of a place where pain flees to nothingness.//I’d like to disappear too in the darkness.” Simply implying they had a rough journey during these times. To the point of beating themselves up; overthinking instances that happened in the past and/or may happen in the present and/or the future. This also results in the Author wanting to disappear where no one knows or where no one but the brave could only reach. This piece reminds me of Talk To Me by Cavetown. The song feels like a warm embrace for such an ‘it hits too close to home’ piece and for people like the Author. The quoted lines from the poem also manifest in the lyrics of the song where it goes– “Anxiety, tossing, turning in your sleep, Even if you run away, you still see them in your dreams.” This also reminds me deeply of Home by Cavetown. Although, I believe the song is associated with one’s inner thoughts in a romantic relationship, the lyrics and concept of the song still deeply resonates with the quoted verse in the poem. It resonates with the lyrics going– “I can't really think right now and this place, Has too many colors, enough to drive all of us insane. Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead. 'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head, But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet”. The songs are made when the singer is in turmoil thus having a direct association with the quoted verse from the poem.

Moving forward onto the next poem entitled, “The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus”. At first, I was confused while reading the selection, it does not make sense to me. What is a modern Sisyphus? The name is familiar, as I have been fairly introduced into Greek mythology in elementary. Thus, a great research is conducted- actually it’s not, I just have to refresh my knowledge on the matter. Sisyphus is known to be condemned to roll a rock up to the top of a mountain, only to have the rock roll back down to the bottom every time he reaches the top. The gods perceived that this is a hideous punishment for something he had done. Relating it to the story, it all makes sense to me now. The persona had worked hard to reach where they were at the moment, gave it all, yet a decision was made and it did not favor her. In the second stanza, lines one to four it reads, “And so we witness a life of a modern Sisyphus//Not defined by her defeat, but of being gracious—// Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain//And start once again like nothing happened.” Almost immediately I remembered Halfway there by Jolianne. As the selection suggests “Only to realize, are we not Sisyphus after all?” Challenges and changes in a journey are inevitable, it is not easy to climb a mountain with a boulder on your shoulder, your expectations for yourself and the burden of a competition. With the strengths like being persistent, hard working, and never stopping with solutions after solutions, is the way to go. “It's been years, it's all the same, Still nothing on my name. I'm on the paper chase but really I'm running in place.” and “I'm trying so hard but it's coming to nothing. And if I'd be honest, I'm lost in the process, I know it's going nowhere. But I just can't close the show.”

Next is a poem entitled, “O’Yayi (A Prose Poem)”. The selection is not new to me, I have encountered this before during 11th grade. Despite the familiarity, the pain is still the same as the first time I have read it.”She received all the comfort and luxury a woman could ever get from a loving husband. But her memory became fallible. Yayi wouldn’t do as much as her age withered her.” The persona in the poem acts as someone close to Yayi, doing everything for her in the name of love without expecting a reciprocation of any of it. Another line that gets to me since then is “The same date of our matrimony. I went to her and she still doesn’t recognize me. Only this time, Yayi wouldn’t be doing much than before. She passed away at 90. I brought her music box... wound it up by her side... and sang softly to her “...ulu aldaw, bulu banggi ika pirmi an nasa isip paglaom ko ika magbalik...” If ever I run out of time here and reach the other side, whose arms would you run back again, mine or Dante’s?” The persona is someone who had sheltered and loved Yayi even after his death, yet as they say first love never dies. Even in his resting place and Yayi gone into the realm they once lived, he knew that he’s not someone she would run to. It would always be her first love, it would always be Dante. This poem, especially the last line,  reminds me of a great song entitled, “Last Kiss” by Taylor Swift. I have no personal experience similar to the persona, but I have observed something similar in my family, from my grandmother’s point of view. It is not something pleasant to witness as a child, I have a lot of questions and it is not easy for me to understand it at such a young age. As the time passes, it made sense to me although it does not make the explaining part easier. He kept her close, still married on paper, but not too close, just enough to bond with his kids. Now, as I look back to it, it is sad, yes, but it is heartwarming to me; to grow up in a tightly knitted family even amidst the chaos. As if Taylor Swift had been in the situation she sang, “So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it's nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day, And something reminds you you wish you had stayed. You can plan for a change in the weather and time. But I never planned on you changing your mind.”

“Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall” is the title of the next poem. The piece feels warm or may I say, intimate. Where one bares themselves to someone, there is a sense of vulnerability in the air, no secrets are hidden and no pretense is being put up; It is evident on the next lines from the poem “Heaven by your side, I’ve tasted wine//Your neck down your navel, I desire.//The steam went on and went by that eve//I fell in your words. You, vindictive.//I did what you said and leaned forward//I opened my whole to bare my soul.” I have been into a new band called Cigarette After Sex for a while now, it reminded me of their song called Heavenly. As I have mentioned it gives the feeling of vulnerability with a special  someone. The shared time of the persona with their special someone, or if I may assume– is their significant other. “Feeling it slow, over this dream. Touch me with a kiss, touch me with a kiss. Now you're above feeling it still. Tell me it's love, tell me it's real. Touch me with a kiss, feel me on your lips, Because this is where I want to be– Where it's so sweet and heavenly.”.

I perceive the next poem entitled “Umbilical” is a sequel to the previous poem. The title already speaks for itself, when do we usually hear the word umbilical? Is it not when someone is about to give birth? “Drained herself to save me from misery//Wrinkles, fragile bones, gaunt face in plain sight.// Lilom, Lilom, I beg. Spare her for me.” A mother’s love is unmatched to anyone. Mothers’ take care of their unborn child until full term for them to see such beauty outside the dark confinement they are in. In an omniscient point of view, it seems the person in labor is someone she knows. Contraction Ballet from the Waitress Musical is something I can associate with this selection. Not only because of its name, contractions are a pain experienced by women in labor, it really depicts a woman in labor. Labored breathing, a heartbeat, and tell tale signs of refraining from crying. Personally, I have never been with women in our family in labor, I could never really speak of an experience about this, rather I can speak as a daughter; I could never imagine growing up alone with my father. Not because he is a bad father figure, rather it is because a maternal figure in life is very important and different. It is heartbreaking to think about it, without a mother I will never meet my siblings as well. 

Before reading the poem entitled, “RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)*”, I did not think that I would be in a difficult situation to distinguish as to what is the message of the poem but I did. It is an uncommon writing to be included in collections but it tackles the crisis in education the Philippines is facing since then (it is just more evident with statistics now and in-depth comparison of data). “Help teachers help students./After all, we cannot give what we don’t have./ Never an easy task of volunteerism or intellect/To squeeze resources from thinking hats and pockets/To produce something sterling from bare minimum/A brain ordeal to a maximum.//At the very least,/This poiesis in hypothesis hopes to unravel the reality/Of scholarly issues we face not of façade./Findings to discuss and future directions to take/For minds that are shut/And mouths with no thought.//” The struggle students and teachers are facing in the crisis is rather alarming, with no concrete plan such decisions are made that affect the whole educational sector of the country. The persona seeks help for both parties and have the ideal resources needed in the sector. All Star by Smash Mouth reminded me of the piece. The lyrics are alike to the quoted verses in the poem, it goes–“Well the years start coming, And they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running, Didn't make sense, Not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb, So much to d, So much to see, So what's wrong with taking the back street. You'll never know if you don't go, You'll never shine if you don't glow.”

Onto the next is a poem entitled, “3A.M. Awakening”. Whilst reading the poem, I was doing what the selection said so, “Breathe gently ten times and let anger go/And heal spirits broken beyond restore.” Automatically, it reminds me of countless sleepless nights during the summer where I lie wide awake alone with my thoughts. The Author struggled like one would under heavy stares of people, criticizing and demeaning in a way, shooting daggers even when eyes closed you can feel it. In the verge of wanting to end it all, one would be hyper aware of their surrounding, even when eyes closed the stares would appear before their very eyes, even when ears are trying to shut the noises in a whispered voice it would creep to them, and even when numb from all the burden the pain would never dull away. The following quoted lines are evidences to authenticate such claims; “And so, breathe gently ten times and let go./Count seconds and feel the world down below.//One... two... three.../(Dark silent streets never really empty.)//Four...five...six.../(A dim light decaying on the roof deck.)//Seven... eight...nine.../(Joy rushed back and a tear fell down my eye.)//Ten—/THUD. (Finally, peace will be on its way.)//” I would associate the fragment of the piece to Hug by Seventeen. This is something the artists wrote amidst their dark times, with such comforting words written, it indeed feels like its title, a hug. A hug for every person that is struggling and feels like things are about to end with the constant pain they are experiencing. Like I have mentioned in the third line, it automatically reminds me of a dark time I have been through recently, it is certainly not easy to go through it and back on your track. Alongside the constant pain I have felt, there are also countless people that gave comfort in their own ways, like Seventeen. Through the words, “Whenever it's hard [for you], You can get a hug from me. I am the same. No matter how much you hide it, You know you can't hide it forever. So we can smile together. Don't be sorry. Don't worry. Don't be scared. Now don't cry. To me you are very precious, You can tell me today was tough. I am here, you suffered a lot. I love you. I will hug you.”

We are nearing our end with the second to the last poem entitled, “My Frail Lady”. After reading, it made such an impact on me. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath, searching for my source of comfort; it triggered me. The Author is such a brave person to write such a piece. It envelopes someone into a bubble as if trapped. The following lines are what speaks most to me, “Free falling— weight loss/Being light under her feet/Tingling pain, burning.//Her suffocating/ Words whispered out of relief/Tightness ‘round her throat.//“I could’ve stayed longer/But whatever you asked for/Then I would have made.”//Freedom at long last/Upon her long, quiet pause./Hers is but a dream.//”. Nocturnes, Op. 9: No.2 in E-Flat Major by Frederic Chopin gave the same sense in terms of the feeling while I read the poem. It gives the same creeping, same sense of waiting for the peak, and same somber build up of melody to the piece.

We have come to our last poem entitled, “Major Arcana”. At first, I did not get the concept of the poem, it is rather confusing to see such concept through writing. After a lot of re-reading, I understood it. It is a tarot card reading as to guide the persona to their future, through turmoil and the constant thought of the unknown future, we seek comfort through those who know. “I ...see a tragic past. A heavy, draining aura has enveloped—/...trace lines of broken heart and hopes on your hand, scathing—/...find your future uncertain. Six years of adjustments await—/...laid my tarot for you to feel. Draw six cards and they will guide—/You.//”. Wanting a change for themselves in the uncertain future with guidance through the universe. To seek guidance of the universe as the persona battle through their past and present. It reminded me of My Future by Billie Eilish as she sang the lyrics, “'Cause I, I'm in love—With my future. Can't wait to meet her. And I, I'm in love, But not with anybody else. Just wanna get to know myself.”