What The Hap Is Fuckening?

dude honestly shout out to my guards i told them to seize this guy and before i could even finish my sentence they soze him. My goats

Welcome to my escape room. *places an affectionate cat on your lap*

whoever wrote this paper has the funniest phrasing possible

happy turtle bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river day for those who celebrate

notice how everyones 30 now

it doesn't matter to cats what kind of bad week you're going through, they'll come into your room and start doing repeated bulldozer attacks on you

‘bread is bad for you’ ‘rice is bad for you’ sorry im not subscribing to the idea that staple grains that have been integral to cultures for centuries are evil. i love you carbs

Guy who says “I’m contributing to traffic” instead of “I’m stuck in traffic”.

When you’re painting, be sure to put your coffee mug next to the cup you clean your brushes in. This is a pro painter strategy known as the Daredevil’s Roulette

they really don't make Bigass Cabinet For Computer anymore. we were at the used furniture warehouse the other day & they had so many. that's the way things should be. lock away that wretched machine when you're done looking at it

shauty i dont. MIND

Im always like "i will not add my two cents. i will not add my two cents" but i cant lie the pennies are getting sweaty in my hand