Bats In The Belfry

I believe in the good in people. I honestly think North America is always 10 years away from transforming into a utopia-like continent, because the world is populated with good people who want to make the world a better place. I’m admittedly naive in this regard. When I see news reports or amateur posts of atrocious people hurting or hating other people, it leaves me shaking my head that people can be like that.

Then I see posts while scrolling that people don’t care about your problems, with some even satisfied that you have them. It’s men’s mental health month. If anything, discussing mental health should be normalized. Countless men are directionless and confused by modern society. A man no longer buys a house and works a fair wage job until retirement. He’s no longer really a provider, instead expected to find meaning and purpose in an increasingly expensive world.

My philosophy is simply to seek peace and entertaining or amusing discourse, to respect where people are at in their lives with regards to their battles, and champion good literature/media.

I don’t want to be a ‘bad person’. My mental health and finances suck, but that gives me no right to be shitty to anybody else.

I’ve been mildly lucky, though, and I’d do well to remember what to be thankful for along my fandom journey. There’s kids that recognize me and think I’m cool enough to talk to. There’s strangers that sparsely remind me that my Joker cosplay is welcome and encouraged. I have my own apartment and am effective enough at maintaining my life in Calgary. And even though I’m 37 next month, I still have 3-5 years of “”youth”” left.

I’m afraid to say I’m a rather uneventful cosplayer. I seek quiet and peace, and stay out of trouble. Maybe I indulge in a few vices here and there, but nothing sensational. Maybe I should live a little.

I have a completely brutal opinion of myself. I largely see myself as severely mentally ill, which I think means I’m next to useless and valueless. I am kind to myself in small ways, like thinking I’m a spot-on Joker lifestyle cosplayer, and that I’m not as bald and ugly as some, but I think encountering me means you have bad luck coming in your life.

When I was diagnosed, I thought it was the end of the world. I had a stereotypical view of paranoid schizophrenics- I figured they were a social landmine of anxiety and nonsense. Then I became one, and after becoming medicated, fell into a state of ‘normalcy’. I’ve had some episodes here and there, but even my shrink has noted that despite the schizophrenia I’m still pretty sharp.

The real culprit is my family issues. When you’re ignored and abandoned, you wake up one day to find you have very little love for yourself. If you were loved, they would have chosen you, not drugs and self-satisfaction.