too much and never enough
too much to handle
never enough to satisfy
h

Kiana Khansmith
AnasAbdin
we're not kids anymore.
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
d e v o n
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@theartofmadeline
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@smo-mo
too much and never enough
too much to handle
never enough to satisfy

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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i'm the shady midnight corner shop with the flickering lights
i am motorway rest stops with no open cafes, just a vending machine
i am the long dark alley way at 2am you have to walk through to get wherever quicker
i am liminal, an abstract, a paper girl
my head is like a carousel and im going round circles
-

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I'm just made of fire
I burn everything I touch
my insides are hollowed and ash
I thought I was burning to keep us both warm
now I think I'm the only source of fuel near by
'no but happier is less hassle'
no. but happier is l e s s h a s s l e.
less hassle.
less.
'look a vision of the future'
'look i'm not there'
are you not?
i wish i could sleep without alcohol or painkillers
i wish less than everything hurt
i wish things could start falling into place
instead of floating aimlessly
like water droplets in a shower
like blood dripping onto the tiles
i cut my hair short. it didn't help. i still hate it. i still hate me.
the new colour dyes arrived but i also saw the work friend of my bf, who just changed her hair colour on a whim to the same as one of my new dyes. and this happens with such frequency i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me i am not special or unique in any shape or way and to just give the fuck up trying to pretend i am.
i was basically told that i'm boring today, visually, that i don't 'stand out from the crowd', that coloured hair is average now. and for a special snowflake like me who honestly wants to fulfill that manic pixie dream girl trope half the time it fucking sucks.
someone said, jokingly, that they hate me today, and my response was 'join the club'. my casual destructive self deprication is something i have no energy to hide.
i only slept for five hours last night. i have yet to fall asleep tonight. i am sad, more than anything else. my bf just giggled in his sleep. it's taken me a year to work out how i wanted one of my final uni projects to look. i handed it in legit a year ago today. it got 42%. it got barely a pass. it got 'you're not good enough but i don't want you to have to retake the year bc i'm fed up with you'. it got 'what happened to the promise you showed' it. i'm. i was never good enough.
at anything.
i can never concentrate on one thing. i can never stagnate. i'm too fearful of failure to put my heart into anything. i am never going to. be good enough at anything because i will only ever dip my toe for fear of looking a fool whilst i learn to swim. or never learning at all.
truth is, i'm utterly worthless. and anything painted over that is just a charade.
exit stage left, persued by bear.
all my friends from high school are still friends. except for me.
they stuck together through college and uni and they still keep in touch and then there's me.
alone, outcast, ignored. i should have known, from those lunches in college where i would have to perch at the edge of the group, the edge of conversation, hoping there would be more than two of them because any less and it would be awkward because i was Not Welcome.
i don't even talk to the other people i knew in college. don't even keep their social media. they never knew me. and now it's going the same way with uni and i. im so lonely and i'm so depressed and i'm so lazy i can't do anything but barley function. am i to drift through what's left of my life knowing any one person for only a few years? is anyone ever going to actually learn the patterns of my heartbeats? i am so disenchanted with this common concept of lasting, meaningful, deep friendship.
i wonder if they think of me, i wonder if they remember anything more than that freaky emo girl who said odd things and spent lessons scribbling on paper.
they do not think of me. no one thinks of me. there is no me to think of.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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might stop using all social media, except maybe my art account.
might stop trying to be what i am obviously not. dye it black, be done with my selfness.
just accept that dirt i am, and only weeds will grow, then to dirt and sand i will return.
fuck everything about everything fuck it all just burn it
dig me a grave and tell me to get in it bc i probably couldn't even do that right
i could just go
there are other places i could live and pay the rent just as easily, if not more so, even by myself
there are theatres all over the country
i could ask for a transfer to manchester or brighton or newcastle or edinburgh
there is one person working in this coffee shop with me i actually like working with. and he's planning on leaving at some point so
i could just get on a train. take a backpack and grab a sleeping bag from the place near work. maybe not even that. stay in shady hotels and b&bs. where no one will know me. dye my hair black and take my piercings out. remove identifying factors. get on a boat. go and sit in coffee shops in amsterdam and act like a tourist. is this enough for people?
is this enough for you? ........
happy halloween // merry goth christmas // blessed samhain i am spooky scary skeleton
kinda want to cut all my hair off. kinda want a new tattoo. a new piercing. new wounds to heal.
i just want to lie down in a darkened room forever. i want to be somewhere far away and quiet. i want to retreat into myself. i'm distant and quiet. i don't want to have to earn rent and bills each month. i just want peace and creativity. i need to change something before i go insane. i am not fulfilled. i am not stable. i am not.
i wish i could get a few months away, travel around the country and work for a few days in all the different chain store coffee shop locations. i wish i could do something i really liked. i wish i wasn't on plan f already. i wish my dad would stop talking to me as if this is all i want.
i should skype home soon. ask when they want me home for winter so i can book it off. but really it's so much stress to skype or go home. i wish my home felt homely. i wish i belonged somewhere, not constantly the sore thumb.
i want to be more. but i also want to sink into wet earth and wait for winter to pass, in the hope i can sprout something worthwhile when spring comes round.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
twice now i've written long rambling posts about all the thoughts running circles in my head and tumblr crashed and lost them both times.
so all i will say is: when do i just give up. when do i let the fantasy go and sink and live down here will the average society, amoungst the hub caps and shopping trolleys. when do i tell everyone i have failed by saying 'barista' and not mentioning dreams or hopes. when do i give up the aspirations im quickly starting to see we're never meant to be attained by me.
how much longer can you hold on to hope, like a flame flickering in my stomach, how long before it burns out.
i dreamt that i had friends that were like me. girls with dyed hair, who wore black lipstick and were excited about halloween. we would go to the pub every few nights- a rock/metal pub where no one stared and drink and eat and one of my past lovers had two kids and a polaroid camera and would take photos of us and talk about his kids. i would keep the polaroids. i walked home by myself but smiling.
i woke up sad.