zugzwang

too much to handle

i am motorway rest stops with no open cafes, just a vending machine

i am the long dark alley way at 2am you have to walk through to get wherever quicker

my head is like a carousel and im going round circles

I burn everything I touch

my insides are hollowed and ash

I thought I was burning to keep us both warm

no. but happier is l e s s h a s s l e.

less hassle.

less.

'look a vision of the future'

'look i'm not there'

i wish less than everything hurt

i wish things could start falling into place

instead of floating aimlessly

like water droplets in a shower

the new colour dyes arrived but i also saw the work friend of my bf, who just changed her hair colour on a whim to the same as one of my new dyes. and this happens with such frequency i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me i am not special or unique in any shape or way and to just give the fuck up trying to pretend i am.

i was basically told that i'm boring today, visually, that i don't 'stand out from the crowd', that coloured hair is average now. and for a special snowflake like me who honestly wants to fulfill that manic pixie dream girl trope half the time it fucking sucks.

someone said, jokingly, that they hate me today, and my response was 'join the club'. my casual destructive self deprication is something i have no energy to hide.

i only slept for five hours last night. i have yet to fall asleep tonight. i am sad, more than anything else. my bf just giggled in his sleep. it's taken me a year to work out how i wanted one of my final uni projects to look. i handed it in legit a year ago today. it got 42%. it got barely a pass. it got 'you're not good enough but i don't want you to have to retake the year bc i'm fed up with you'. it got 'what happened to the promise you showed' it. i'm. i was never good enough.

at anything.

i can never concentrate on one thing. i can never stagnate. i'm too fearful of failure to put my heart into anything. i am never going to. be good enough at anything because i will only ever dip my toe for fear of looking a fool whilst i learn to swim. or never learning at all.

truth is, i'm utterly worthless. and anything painted over that is just a charade.

they stuck together through college and uni and they still keep in touch and then there's me.

alone, outcast, ignored. i should have known, from those lunches in college where i would have to perch at the edge of the group, the edge of conversation, hoping there would be more than two of them because any less and it would be awkward because i was Not Welcome.

i don't even talk to the other people i knew in college. don't even keep their social media. they never knew me. and now it's going the same way with uni and i. im so lonely and i'm so depressed and i'm so lazy i can't do anything but barley function. am i to drift through what's left of my life knowing any one person for only a few years? is anyone ever going to actually learn the patterns of my heartbeats? i am so disenchanted with this common concept of lasting, meaningful, deep friendship.

i wonder if they think of me, i wonder if they remember anything more than that freaky emo girl who said odd things and spent lessons scribbling on paper.

might stop trying to be what i am obviously not. dye it black, be done with my selfness.

there are other places i could live and pay the rent just as easily, if not more so, even by myself

there are theatres all over the country

i could ask for a transfer to manchester or brighton or newcastle or edinburgh

there is one person working in this coffee shop with me i actually like working with. and he's planning on leaving at some point so

i could just get on a train. take a backpack and grab a sleeping bag from the place near work. maybe not even that. stay in shady hotels and b&bs. where no one will know me. dye my hair black and take my piercings out. remove identifying factors. get on a boat. go and sit in coffee shops in amsterdam and act like a tourist. is this enough for people?

i just want to lie down in a darkened room forever. i want to be somewhere far away and quiet. i want to retreat into myself. i'm distant and quiet. i don't want to have to earn rent and bills each month. i just want peace and creativity. i need to change something before i go insane. i am not fulfilled. i am not stable. i am not.

i wish i could get a few months away, travel around the country and work for a few days in all the different chain store coffee shop locations. i wish i could do something i really liked. i wish i wasn't on plan f already. i wish my dad would stop talking to me as if this is all i want.

i should skype home soon. ask when they want me home for winter so i can book it off. but really it's so much stress to skype or go home. i wish my home felt homely. i wish i belonged somewhere, not constantly the sore thumb.

so all i will say is: when do i just give up. when do i let the fantasy go and sink and live down here will the average society, amoungst the hub caps and shopping trolleys. when do i tell everyone i have failed by saying 'barista' and not mentioning dreams or hopes. when do i give up the aspirations im quickly starting to see we're never meant to be attained by me.