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I had a nice weekend, honest. Got a work from home day Friday due to bitter cold, so I didn’t dare go outside. Boyfriend made us soup and we watched the last few episodes of a cartoon. Then Saturday I got a haircut, finally, as I’ve been wanting for months now. Debuted said cut at a friend’s Alice in wonderland themed birthday party which was followed by hours of dancing at the nu wave bar. Sunday I slept in late, as I should, took myself to diner breakfast. Then boyfriend and I stopped by the record store for a show where we were promptly tranced out by improvisational jazz. Honest!

Lately I’m finding myself in disbelief that everything that has happened this year actually happened.. I feel like I’m starting to see it through a new lens now that I’m squarely on the other side of it — coming up on anniversaries even. I feel like I can look back at everything a little more detached, like an outsider. And an outsider would still be horrified.

When the deep sadness arises … I don’t think I need to “fix” it

Things will probably keep getting worse and I am, in fact, underprepared. I am sad that I feel I have no skills to offer the collective. I try to develop something but I am lazy and have no follow through. Sometimes I am saddened by the scale of my life and I hope to feel better about it soon. I am small, small, small.

Calamity

Big intention for 2026 is to deepen and expand my tarot practice

Accept your true nature

I have always been like this. I will always be like this. I accept my true nature. Why overcome the self?

I think I’ll always lay in bed ignoring the world with a sadness in my heart

She left us three months ago. I’m so depressed. I think I’ll always be depressed.

Everything has this veil of “wrong.”

Today is two months since my mom passed. Here now in the snow, that warm October night feels like a life time ago. I was wearing short sleeves, the ice cream truck came, we talked of going to the beach. Now I’m in a turtleneck sweater stomping snow off my boots. Now it’s almost been a year since I started my big girl corporate job, the one my mom was so proud of me for getting. She was doing better then, but even a year ago.. Christmas tended to bring out something in her. I think back and back and back, trying to make sense of it. Except I don’t have to try because it makes perfect fucking sense actually and that is what is so hard, every step is so clearly laid out I don’t even have to wonder why. Why would be easier. I would love to wonder and not know, to make up my own comforting narratives. No, it’s all there. I think back and back until I’ve thought all 25 years worth and then the 29 before that. And it all makes perfect, horrible, sense.

I love da snow I love bundling up I get so proud of myself when I bundle good and am super duper warm I love public transit and seeing everyone else in their winter gear how we all prepared for this day I love fuzzy hats and gloves and clomping boots and wrapping my scarf all around my head I love when spirit it dense I love this world eeeeee I love experience I love my life