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WARNINGS: Safe word use, oral, piv, aftercare, mentions of depression and medication use.

You started fantasising early during the day.  You were tired and irritated and felt the frustration grow steadily.  You needed everyone to leave you alone.  In fact, they shouldn’t even look in your direction. 

You knew one of the symptoms of your depression, when it got a bit worse, was aggression.  And you felt like ripping out throats. 

All you wanted was to kneel down, place your hands behind your back, drop your chin and allow him to do with you whatever he wanted.  Because he was the exception, wasn’t he?  He was allowed to look.  He was allowed to see.  You secretly hope that he would be a little mean.  A little ruthless. 

You text him something to that affect when the time to leave from work got closer.  He replies with a simple ‘okay,’ but you know him.  You knew he would be going above and beyond.  He always does.  He knows how to handle you when you are like this. 

When you get home, exhausted, your pillow is in the middle of the living room floor.  You drop your keys and bag and start undressing, already feeling your brain getting quiet.  You kneel, get into position and wait.  

You wait quite a while.  But then you feel his presence as he gets closer to you.  You don’t lift your head, but you are desperate to see him and when he steps in front of you, you see his bare feet and bare legs, tattoos scattered along his skin. 

‘You had a rough day, Peach?’ he asks.  You hear the pout in his voice.

You nod.

‘Thank you for letting me know before you got home,’ he says his voice low.  ‘I will make you feel better soon.’

You feel tears prickling at your eyes in sheer anticipation of feeling better, of him making you release the breath you have been clinging to all day.  You have to breathe, like he has taught you, not to prevent a panic attack this time, but to stop yourself from sobbing. 

You can tell Noah notices, because then he brings you a glass of water, the ice clinking as he comes closer.  He kneels in front of you.  ‘Have you eaten?’ 

‘I had my lunch, yes,’ you say as you take a few sips of the water.  ‘I’m just relieved to see you.’

He cups your cheek and kisses you quickly.  ‘I got you, baby,’ his thumb running back and forth along your cheekbone.  He looks at you for a moment, his eyes squinting a little, looking from one eye to the other.  ‘What’s the safe word?’

‘I remember the safe word,’ you say. 

‘Say it for me?’ he says patiently.

‘Nutmeg,’ you whisper.

‘If this is too much, you use it, alright?’ he says, making sure you are paying attention.

‘I will,’ you say, making eye contact. 

He kisses your forehead tenderly, lingering a moment, and stands up straight.  ‘Okay, baby.’

Your eyes drop back down, and you try to relax your shoulders into your position.  It all makes you feel grounded and yet you still felt like you were holding back tears. 

He slowly walks around your kneeling form, like he was checking to make sure you were in the correct position, and then he stops in front of you.  ‘Take my cock out of my boxers,’ he says softly. 

You roll your shoulders and let your hands come to the front and then you work your fingers under the elastic of his boxers and pull it down just far enough for him to be free, and then your put your hands back behind you. 

‘Mmm, so obedient,’ you hear the smile in his voice.  ‘Kiss it for me?  I’m not completely hard yet.’

You lean in and touch your lips to him, to the soft skin of his cock as it got harder and twitchier with each movement of your mouth.  Noah let out a few soft moans and sighs, but you saw more than you heard how turned on he was getting.  You kissed the very tip when a bead of precum had formed so beautifully, and let the slight salty taste remind you of how Noah likes to take care of you. 

‘So good, Peach,’ he whispers.  ‘Now, remind me, baby.  When my cock is in your throat, what is the safe word then?’

You look up at his face again, his eyes darker than usual.  ‘I push on your thighs,’ you answer him.

‘Good,’ he says and he reaches a hand out and strokes your hair back.  ‘You are such a good girl.  I know you are so frustrated with your bad day.  I know, baby.  But I’m here now, okay?’ 

You nod, anticipation filling you.   

‘Open your mouth, baby,’ he says and you obey, just like he taught you.  He pushes his cock into your mouth immediately and goes quite far.  ‘Oh yeah.  That’s it.’

You keep your tongue out and try to remember to breathe through your nose as much as possible as he gently thrusts in and out of your mouth, taking it easy on you at first.  You wait for the feeling to come over you as soon as he takes over.    

He pulls his hips back and he pops out of your mouth and you see how wet he is from your mouth, you don’t know why, but it does something to you – seeing his lovely cock wet from your body.

‘Stick your tongue out for me?’ he asks, and you do what you’re told.  He grabs a hold of himself at his base and he slaps his cock on your tongue a few times.  ‘Do you feel how very rigid that is?’ 

You nod again. 

 ‘It’s not going to be easy to get that in your throat, Peach, is it?’ he asks.

You shake your head. 

‘Tilt your chin back a little,’ he says and his hands carefully comes to rest on either side on your head.  ‘Are you ready to try, my baby?’

You nod a little.

He pushes into your mouth, leaves it there for a moment, before he says, ‘Deeper baby, you need to take me deeper.  You can do it, I know you can.’   He pushes forward and so gently holds onto your head and you feel him slip into your throat.  ‘Oh fuck,’ he grunts.  ‘Hold it, hold it, I know it’s a lot.’

You feel yourself gag and try to stay calm, until he pulls himself out and you cough a little.  You do feel calmer, but you still feel like the tears forming in your eyes are not just from having a cock in your throat. 

‘Breathe,’ he encourages you.  And then he shuffles closer to you and just touches your chin and you open for him again and then he pushes it in all the way down.  ‘Oh, good job, baby, that’s amazing.  I know, it’s difficult and you are being such a good girl.’  He thrusts a few times, keeping himself as deep as possible, before he pulls out again.

You suck in a deep breath. 

‘Take a second and breathe for me,’ he says sweetly.  ‘Will it make your pussy more drippy if I fuck your throat, Peach?’  

You know it will.  So, you nod again.  You feel it already, the heat between your legs.

‘Baby, are you still doing okay?’ he asks, concern visible on his face. 

‘Yes, I’m good,’ you say, before really thinking too much about it.

He leans down and kisses you, despite the mess on your face.  ‘I love you,’ he says so close to your mouth before he kisses you one more time.  ‘Last time, baby,’ he says as he straightens up and prepares to really let your throat have it.  ‘Your throat feels so good.  Almost as good as your pussy.’

You try to brace yourself as he slips himself into your throat, holds still for a few seconds, breathing heavily.  Then he fucks your throat like he promised with feral growls escaping him as he does it.  You grip onto his thighs out of instinct, not interfering with what he was doing, but needing a way to ground yourself as tears spilled from your eyes.  In that moment, you were not sure of the reason for the tears.  You wait for the quiet to take over your mind – but it doesn’t come.    

He pulls himself free and drops down on his knees in front of you.  Just the sincerest praise comes from his mouth as he wipes at your face with his hands.  He drops loving kisses on your cheeks, chin and between your eyebrows.  He didn’t say anything about you not keeping your position throughout and he didn’t mention anything now, when you have your arms around his neck. 

He helps you up and while holding on to you, he leads you into the bedroom.  He removes his boxers completely and you stand there, feeling a little strange.  Again, he looks at you with a tilted head and squinted eyes.  You pulled your shoulders back and straightened your spine.  You needed to show him that you were strong enough.

He gestures to the bed.  ‘Head down, ass up, Peach,’ he says his voice always so calm, despite the words he is saying. 

You get into position.  You know it well.  You did not feel shy anymore.  Noah has more than proved that he was fine with your body and everything about it.  Another wave of emotion washes over you as you get comfortable, remembering the many moments where he has been patient with you and reassured you. 

You feel the bed dip as he gets behind you.  He casually lets his fingers feel between your legs.  ‘Oh, you are definitely wet enough, fuck, baby.’  He touches you with practised familiarity and yet, it still makes you burn with desire for him.  Every fucking time.    

‘Please?’ you barely whisper out.  You needed the quiet.

‘Yes, baby, I know you need it,’ he says back and you feel him shuffle his body closer to yours.  Then you feel his head at your entrance and you struggle to stay still.  He pushes in slowly, giving you time to adjust to him, his hands squeezing at your hips.  His thrusts start slow too, but he builds intensity fairly quickly and soon he is fucking you with audible slaps of your bodies connecting and grunts of exertion.  His one hand is flat on your lower back, the other using your hip to pull your body back towards him.

It took a while, but suddenly the feeling inside of you cracked.  The uncertainty and the quiet that just wouldn’t come.  You held your breath for a moment to stop the sob.  God, what was wrong?  He felt so good, he was doing everything you had specifically asked for.  ‘Nutmeg,’ you choke out, you know he didn’t hear you, because it barely got past the constriction in your throat.  You reach back with one hand and grip onto his – the one on your hips and you squeeze as hard as you can.  You feel him stutter in his movements behind you.  But he was paying attention.  ‘Nutmeg,’ you try again.

He stops immediately.  You can feel the tension in his body shoot through the roof.  He pulls out of you and does not touch you at all.  ‘Okay, baby, it’s all over.  I’ve stopped.  I’m sorry.’

You drop your head down on the mattress for a moment in relief and guilt.  But the tears started flowing freely at this point.  ‘I’m sorry,’ you cry.

‘No, no, baby,’ he says his voice soothing.  ‘Don’t be sorry.’

You reach a hand out again, towards him, and he takes it quickly, but also with apprehension.  ‘It’s not your fault,’ you try to explain. 

‘I just need to know you’re alright?’ he says and you hear his voice is still far away.  He was worried you didn’t want him close. 

Clinging to his hand with all your might, you bring yourself up and you turn around, trying to make yourself as small as possible as you climb into him.  He holds still for a moment waiting to see what you were doing.  Your press your face into his sternum.  You wrap one arm around him, while his other hand is near your face, trying to hide the tears, or something, you didn’t know anymore.

It takes him a moment to respond, but puts one hand on the back of your head and the other around your body and he holds onto you.  ‘Oh, Peach,’ he sighs.  ‘What’s going on, Love?’

‘I’m sorry, I know I asked for all that,’ you hiccup.  ‘But I was wrong.’

‘Wrong about what?’ he asks tenderly.

‘I don’t want what I asked for, I just want you close,’ you cry.  ‘Please just hold me a little.  I’m so sorry.’

He sits down on the bed, making himself more comfortable to hold you, never letting go of you.  ‘You know you’re allowed to change your mind, right?’

You nod against him.  ‘I thought it would make me feel better.’

‘But it didn’t?’ he asks.

You think before you answer.  ‘It felt good.  But, it didn’t make me feel better.’

‘Hmmm,’ you feel it rumble in his chest.  ‘I should have seen it.  I should have noticed.’

‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ you feel desperate to make him understand.  ‘It was all me.’

‘Thank you,’ he let’s go of the words along with a deep breath.   ‘Thank you for realising and telling me.’  He very subtly starts rocking the both of you back and forth and you wonder whether he is aware that he is doing it.  ‘Tell me when you feel up to talking about this?’ he says softly. 

‘We can talk now,’ you say, your voice thick from crying.  You sniff. 

‘Was it something I did?  Or was it something I said?  Or was it just the whole situation?’  he says this slowly. 

You lift your head to rest it on his shoulder so you were more connected while you were having this conversation.  You press a kiss to his jaw.  ‘I think,’ you start.  ‘I think I just kept telling myself that if you were all rough with me, that it would distract me from all the… things.’

‘Mmmm,’ he nods just a little, but doesn’t speak more.

‘But, I think I just needed a hug instead,’ you say fresh tears starting to fall. 

He still doesn’t say anything.  You’ve noticed he just lets the silence stretch to encourage you to keep going.  It was a thing that you have learned to appreciate so much about him.  He wasn’t just waiting for his turn to answer.  He really wanted to hear what you had to say. 

‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ you say again.  ‘I just need you to hold me more than I need air.’

After a pause he says, ‘It was the first time you used your safe word.’

‘No, it wasn’t.’

‘I mean in the context it was meant for, I guess,’ he says. 

‘I’m sorry I could tell you were shocked,’ you say feeling guilty.

‘I was shocked, I still am a little,’ you hear his voice shake a little.  ‘But please, always feel like you can use it whenever you need to.  I don’t want you to worry about how I will feel when you say it.  I can hear the little gears turning in your mind, you are overthinking it.’

‘Okay, yeah, you’re right,’ you admit.  ‘But I asked for this.’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ he sighs.  ‘You have no obligation to go through with anything.’

‘But then, you also cannot blame yourself for not magically knowing what I actually needed.  Please, Noah.’

‘I won’t,’ he exhales shakily.  ‘I know I shouldn’t.’

‘It was the agreement.  Do you remember?  I have to tell you what’s going on.  I have to communicate with you,’ you remind him. 

‘Yes.’

‘I just didn’t know what was going on yet,’ you explain.

After quite a few minutes of sitting like this, your leg was going numb and you know Noah’s back must be breaking from sitting the way he was.  You lean away from him a little. 

‘Do you need anything?’ he asks.

‘Can we take a bath?’ you ask. 

‘Of course,’ he says.  ‘I’ll go get the water on.’  He gets up and stretches a little. 

Sitting opposite each other in the bathtub he asks the question.  ‘Baby?  Was this a bad day?  Or are you feeling depressed?’

You look down for a moment.  ‘Depressed, I think,’ you say honestly.

‘Have you been taking your pills?’ he asks.

‘I have been skipping a few.  Accidentally, I swear,’ you say feeling so stupid. 

He nods like it was the answer he thought he was going to get.  ‘Alright, baby,’ he says.  ‘We will put reminders on our phones and on the fridge and on the door handle.’

You nod.  ‘I didn’t realise how serious it was.’

He leans forward to kiss you.  ‘It is serious, Love.’

You nod with utter agreement.  ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be,’ he smiles.  ‘We will fix it.’

Noah took out his softest t-shirt for you to sleep in, he made sure your hair was tied back.  He made sure your ice water was on the night stand.  Then you sunk into his side in your bed, resting your head on his shoulder and he held on to you tightly. 

‘This is my favourite part of every day,’ you say.

‘Bed time?’ he asks. 

‘Well, yes.  But it’s because you are here,’ you say almost a little shy.  ‘Knowing this is where every day is headed, is a blessing in my life.’

He chuckles softly.  ‘A blessing?’

‘Yes,’ you say firmly.  ‘The comfort and peace I feel right here,’ you pause to think of the right words.  ‘I don’t know, it feels like a blessing.’

He kisses the top of your head.  ‘I love this too, Peach.’

‘Thank you for being so perfectly you today,’ you say with a bit of shame still coursing through you.  ‘I’m sorry for worrying you.’

‘You need to stop apologising,’ he whispers. 

‘Oh, and I didn’t say it back earlier.  I love you too,’ you say against his neck.  ‘So much.’

A/N: I haven't actually written in a while (in my head I have, loads) and I'm very rusty. This also took so much longer than it should have. This was written because someone asked to see what it would be like if the safe word was used in the real dom/sub situation. I struggled to think of how to do it, while doing both Noah and Peach justice, because in my mind, they are just so open to each other and good about keeping the communication honest... that in almost every scenario, I would think but Noah would notice.

Thanks to the people who keep asking, liking and recommending.