Slimjimi

Idk why I’m this way. Why I’m hollow inside.

Tonight felt like a good night to end it.

Same intuition or overthinking? In any case I’m by myself again.

Prayer really keeping me from killing myself.

This heartbreak shit for the birds man. Idk if ima ever get better.

This foul ass bitch was cheating on me. You cannot trust these mfs. The fact I have to deal with her until my son older makes me actually gag. I wasted 10 years on this mf. I’m sick. Sooooo foul. I knew it in my gut.

There is something chemically wrong with my brain. I probably need therapy and to be on some sort of anti depressant to be honest. But I take a lot of comfort knowing God has my back and I’m only on one path. And that brings me some semblance of peace. And it may be a bit nihilistic of me but we are all going to die one day and the universe and vast and beautiful. It brings me peace that one day My consciousness might end and I’ll just be….no matter what. The same as when you hit that deep sleep.

I died today. Completely and without a sound.

I am so sick to my stomach of where I am at life right now. And the thing is I’m smart. I have 2 degrees. But the job market is so fucking awful that the only places that will give me a chance are these god awful customer service temp type jobs. Sick of this.

For some reason today I’m feeling really anxious and down. Idk what it is. I went to the gym this morning and that felt good ate a good lunch but for some reason today I feel stagnant and just out of sync. This may be part of the process and maybe I’ll feel better after doing some course work tonight. Feel bad because my son comes home today and I don’t want him to feel my energy. I really just want to scratch today off. Now that im thinking about it it may stem from me not having any birthday plans and feeling like that shit not important. In all honestly I’ll probably spend it alone or go on a road trip somewhere by myself. I should probably go on a hike but it’ll be cold. I need to just have faith in this process and realize there is gonna be days like today where I feel useless. But I have to realize my goals are going to be met I just have to grind.

Hurts not being with the person you was with for 10 years this Christmas. Feeing a bit empty.

I never thought this would ever happen man. Like I still can’t believe this shit. Someone I gave everything to. Really ripped my heart out and has no remorse over it at all. Doesn’t give a damn about our family nothing. I can’t believe this.

I am so stupid for thinking this girl had my back man. Honestly dumb af. To think that someone would legit throw they whole family away for what.

I know it’s over but what’s killing me more than anything is not having any faith or sight that I’ll find someone else I can be 100% myself with. These women out here today are ruthless and the. Large majority of them in my bracket who are average want some super nigga. Don’t get me wrong I’m on my purpose and I know I’m gonna reach my goals to get where I need to in life but what I’m scared of is getting there and then getting these women who don’t actually value me as a person and just value what I can provide. People these days don’t ever think being a good person is enough. One thing that sucks is I had opportunities with some girls from my old job who were actually cool. On some other note I don’t understand the flip flop she keep doing. I’m really annoyed tho she keep wearing the ring. Stop trying to play me.

Constantly having these back and forths. My brain really on some shit tho because in my head I feel betrayed and that shit not going away. Every single gut feeling is telling me some shit ain’t right. I really need into keep my composure and not fall into the traps because something just don’t sit right with me.

I have no clue where I’m supposed to go from here. How am I supposed to move on when I’m forced to interact with her and be around her. I wanted to die on my way home like that’s the feeling I felt. I just can’t fake like shit is okay. We can be cordial yeah but a broken heart is a broken heart man. Only reason she want to keep peace is either because she don’t care and don’t have any more feelings or because there ain’t no answer to this shit. That feeling tho that is killing me more than anything is the birth of us being strangers to each other or just people to each other now. More than anything that what feels like the knife slowly stabbing me every time we interact. Everything just feels fuckin hollow af right now. I guess I’m just a stranger at this point. I understand that I will have these moments going through this but this is probably the worst I’ve felt. It’s suffocating me.

Something I’ve come to terms with is I’m not at a point where I should be. Granted unlike most 20 something’s I have a kid but it seems like I have these degrees and this knowledge but haven’t been able to transform that significantly at a good company or position. Not sure if I should just switch careers or not but, some days it’s hard not to feel like a loser. I wish I could redo a few things. Or at least know what path I should take but it seems like I can’t ever figure it out. It also feels overwhelming because everything is so over saturated. Right now the only thing that makes sense it going to the gym and drinking water. I feel so down right now. Like I’m in this deep fuckin hole with nothing to grasp in order to get out. These daily posts help me vent and get shit out. I wish I had a clear path. It’s not a lack of hard work I just don’t fuckin know where to go.