* 𝕙𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥 / 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝓈

even after everything, xavier didn’t blame skylar for what had occurred between the two nor did he regret the time they had shared together. admittedly, he really only missed the girl. yet, he was still too proud in the midst of the separation to admit it. instead, he avoided the subject and the memory of her completely. that’s when the spiral downward occurred, and the girls and the drugs and the arrests all became one big blur. as the two make eye contact, xavier tries to hide the sorrow he feels. his lip quivers slightly at the question, a sigh leaving his lips. “i still care about you. i mean, that doesn’t just go away,” he admits. except, it’s not what he means. it’s more than that. his last intention is to make her feel guilty. so, he chooses to focus on the small wound, rather than the gaping one between the two. an ‘i’m sorry’ is all he can offer, mostly because he’s not sure what to say or do. his breath is shaky, the sound of his heartbeat thudding within his ears. “i just want you to be happy,” he rasps, eyes blinking away for only a moment before returning focus on her finger. “am i hurting you?” he changes the subject completely, but the question seems to be less about the pressure and more about their relationship as a whole. 

his blue eyes roll under the soft hands encasing them, trying his best to keep up the act. he wasn’t an idiot but he would play her game for a bit longer. “none whatsoever.” his eyebrows raise at her words and he can feel his body stir remembering just how talented her tongue can be. “like i could forget that.” a laugh left his lips and his skin started to feel hot. skylar could be a huge tease and declan was always here for it except maybe when he was stuck in the high school with people he couldn’t stand. he’d get over that fast if anything escalated between the two of them. a hand moved to touch one of skylar’s wrists to keep her close to him as she pulled away. there was no way he was letting her leave that easily. “that’s not even a question. you’re the only one that keeps my life exciting. well, almost the only one. i can’t forget about hanler and preston.” his best friend and partner in crime always kept him on his toes but with skylar, it was something else. a laugh left his lips as he took in her appearance. “it’s cute. i dig it.” a quick nod accompanied the next eye roll. “that sounds better than what i’m currently doing. as you can see, i’m entirely busy over here.” he motioned to the spot he was occupying just moments ago. “sure.” of course he’d love to see her actually beg him but he was feeling generous tonight. 

xavier was never really interested in girls going into to high school. frankly, it was the last thing on his mind. yet, that all changed when skylar came into his life. it was almost as if he was seeing her in a whole new light. xavier fell hard and fast. it was like his world became centered around the brunette, but then gravity shifted. it was out of their control, and neither were really in the right place to love the other. admittedly, xavier never really stopped. now, seeing her only reminded him of what could’ve happened at a different place and time in their life. “i don’t want to avoid you,” he rasps, swallowing thickly, “i still ── we can’t just pretend like we don’t know each other.” he has so much more to say, but it begins to feel like he can’t catch his breath. “are you, sky?” and he instantly regrets the question. it’s not his place, but how can he help still caring deeply for the girl. he inspects her wound, fingers wrapping gently around hers. he tries not to remember all the times he had touched her before. “you can have it, if you want it,” he offers while his thumb presses on the opening. he attempts to stop the bleeding, eyes stinging slightly. the more they talk, the more his heart breaks all over again. 

the fact that everyone in his senior class was stuck in the very building that declan couldn’t wait to run away from dampered his mood more than he could imagine. he found himself drowning in the alcohol that he brought into the school with him, ignoring the people around them as they caused ruckus or made out with one another. he could feel the chill in the air but underneath his hoodie, it didn’t bother him too much. there were only a few things that could make the night better but they were off doing god knows what with whomever. declan didn’t have the motivation to move from the spot but he was running low on supplies so that would have to change soon. his entire body relaxed as he felt soft hands cover his eyes and breath tickle his neck. the touch was gentle and declan suddenly wasn’t as bored as he was a moment ago. his eyes rolled under the blanket hands as he tried to break free. “i have no idea. maybe she’ll entertain me more than these losers.” his tone was joking but he meant what he said. the night could be so much better. 

          it feels like bridgehampton high has gotten colder as the evening progresses, skylar starting to feel a chill beyond the one engrained deep in her bones. rummaging through her overnight bag, skylar pulls out a fuzzy blanket to wrap around herself like a cocoon. she feels ridiculous prancing around in bedding, but in her inebriated state -- she could careless. searching the gym, skylar finally spots the person she’s been searching for all night -- desperately needing the blond’s company. her boredom has reached its peak & she knows no one could curb it better than declan. walking towards him, skylar does her best to be sneaky despite the attention she’s drawing to herself. approaching him from behind, skylar reaches out blanket - covered hands to conceal declan’s sight. popping up onto her tip toes, skylar tries to disguise her voice as she whispers, “ guess who stud ? ” she can’t help but giggle a bit breathlessly, burying her head into declan’s shoulder to muffle the sound. 

the sharp sting is the first indication that he had been struck across his face, the pain blooming slowly across his unflawed skin, blotches of red left in the wake of skylar’s hand. shock slowly sinks in, an anchor that slips beneath the surface and floats towards the bottom of the ocean of disbelief finn was currently treading in, the mere idea that skylar would cross such a line to make her point clear was something that made him feel as if maybe he had done something wrong. but then, it’s anger that replaces the incredulity. his brows furrow, pinching in the middle, and his dilated pupils focus intently on the girl in front of him, and he takes a step closer to her, the words that he had poised on the tip of his tongue akin to the murderous disdain he’s experiencing at the hand of skylar’s own outrage. 

the nature of her insults meant nothing to him, the icy exterior cast in steel, making it so that he didn’t have a moment to feel the pain that her words were meant to cause – he was seeing red, something rare for finn, someone who had always been able to keep a tap on his anger and not result to the emotions that plagued him as much as the worry and the pressure that his family constantly placed on him. ‘ a lap dog, huh ? you think that i do everything out of obligation ? that’s so fucking pathetic, skylar. you think the world is comprised of people who feel like they have to do something. i do things that reagan wants because i care about her. and who cares about you ? hm ? declan ? xavier ? they fucking don’t. that’s why you come running when you could have just asked them for booze. ’ not one to get physical, he decides not to grab her wrist like he wants to, and instead, he moves closer to her, trapping her in the few inches of space between his body and the wall behind her, his muscles arms creating bars beside her head, hands spread against the wall. ‘ desperate or not, you came here to see me. you could have sent declan in your place. you could have done so many other things. but you wanted to see me. ’ and as he says it, it’s almost as if the words and i wanted to see you were said, but they remain unspoken between them. ‘ there was more passion in that slap then there has been in however many months you’ve been having sleepovers at the vanderbilts, sky. you can’t keep lying to me. ’

              who cares about you ? his question plays like a broken record in skylar’s head, a question she has asked herself far too often. realistically, skylar knows she’s cared for -- her friendships & subscribers the numbers she needs to justify the doubt. yet, it always creeps in like the devil on her shoulder, whispering lies in her ear until she’s forced to numb herself. quite often she feels like the train wreck reagan likes to remind her she is, finn’s words only serving as a reminder of truth. through the self pity, skylar recognizes the jealousy laced in his tone as he childishly drags in the names of the important guys of her past & present. rather the wallow in her own pity party, skylar takes another sip to gain the liquid courage to fight back, “ ya’ care ‘bout her ? that’s a fuckin’ joke, you’re avoidin’ her. i think ya’ care more for lady ‘caine. ” skylar snorts. “ ‘sides, i dunno why ya’ keep bringin’ up dec & even x for that matter when you’re not jealous. ” she mocks, using finger quotations to emphasize her point. the more the liquor settles into her circulation, the more skylar begins to feel like her true self : emotionless & unbothered. so she takes another drink, nearly finishing the bottle. 

the minute the warning leaves his lips, xavier wishes he hadn’t said anything. it’s instinctual ── the unwavering compassion he has for the girl. still, he knows better than inserting his worries into her life anymore. “i know,” he breathes, the air rushing out of his lungs entirely. the words come out somewhat bitter, but mostly they’re soaked in melancholy. the familiar nickname brings him back to a place he’d rather not visit right now while sober. “yeah,” he practically finishes where she leaves off. it’s all he can manage as he swallows past the growing lump in his throat. even as she trails off, he knows what she means, and xavier tries his best to ignore the pang in his chest. as their hands touch, his skin is set ablaze. yet, he hardly reacts on the surface. it’s best to pretend as if the two never touched. the interaction, like all the others, is quite a minefield. xavier is unsure what role he plays now, and he doesn’t want to overstep any boundaries. most importantly, he doesn’t want to show how he really feels. “don’t apologize,” he practically pleads. yet, her final words cause him to lose his emotionless demeanor for a split second. “you don’t have to leave, sky. i mean, how long are we going to avoid each other for?” of course, he regrets the words as they tumble from his lips. eyes trace her movements, and he’s now focused on the finger pressed against her lips. xavier lets out a soft sigh, fingertips extending out towards the girl. “lemme see.” 

the two of them always did this dance, finn doing everything but offering his hand for hers, taking a bow & hoping to eventually pull her in close, to feel her breath against his neck & to catch a whiff of her perfume; it was something that he couldn’t help, an obligation to be drawn in closer by her presence, & even now, in the midst of something that was all too familiar, even skylar’s venomous words can’t pierce through the shield he’s built around himself – iron-clad with his inability to let people too close, the fear & the loss & the worry all managing to take hold of him, a strong grasp around his throat that made it nearly impossible to breathe, a chokehold that he had no chance of escaping from. 

when she moves closer, it’s because he had invited her to, a taunt that she couldn’t help but fall for – as always, they used whatever excuse they could manage to have interactions just like this; all words that remained unsaid were louder in their silence, deafening in their demand to be acknowledged. so he’d bite – practically chomping at the bit as skylar says all the things she knows will crawl under his skin, burrowing into his bones & setting up camp. the quip about declan is enough to have his resolve wilting in attenborough style time lapse, all but left for dead as the words settle into the small space that remains between them. ‘ so is that what you want ? for me to be jealous of declan vanderbilt ? ’ he laughs again, this time with a sprinkle of humor, his amusement noticeable in the way his face relaxes for a brief moment, before returning to utter seriousness. he stands, steady on his feet, his blood coursing through his veins, & he moves closer, so that she’s facing his chest, his head tilted down so he can meet her gaze with hues that were usually warm honey, now hardened to something more sinister, colder, a topaz that makes his words pierce through, the ice that they are. ‘ there’s no competition. i snap my fingers, & you come running. he may have you like that, but i have you like this. desperate. you need something, & i happen to have it. & i’m not talking about this. ’ he places his hand on the neck of the bottle, his strong grip yanking it from her grasp so he can place it to his lips, the liquid sliding down with ease, his throat numb from his favorite white substance. when he pulls the bottle back, his lips are flush & shiny, eyes even more glazed over, the liquor settling into his system. finn takes that chance to shove the alcohol back into her grasp, leaning down further to whisper against skylar’s ear, ‘ maybe stop being such a fucking brat & try to catch up. ’

          last time around, skylar had been triumphant -- winning their never ending tug - of - war, barely pulling finn across the line but just enough to earn herself a spot on the score board ( skylar : 1, finn : 0 ). now, however, it feels like she’s taken a colossal step backwards. the power high that she thrives on feels like it’s quickly being stripped away by finn’s magnetism -- & she feels so weak. after loneliness, skylar fears losing control at the hands of someone else. it reminds her of that night, how there was nothing she could’ve done despite feeling like she could’ve done something. she feels trapped in this room, the atmosphere tangible as it blankets her -- weighing her down until she feels helpless. he’s forcing her to come to terms with her emotions, to face them head on & sort through them. 

the realization that the seniors are left to their own devices for an indefinite amount of time could cause completely anarchy in a moment’s time. and the last thing xavier needs is to be surrounded by a bunch of horny teenagers going stir crazy. besides, he has plans of his own now that matters are more interesting. yet, he can’t shake the gnawing feeling in his brain. even without adult supervision, he still finds himself heading to the greenhouse for a smoke. like clockwork, he tucks away behind the flora and fauna ( as if it’s enough to hide what he’s doing ). pressing the cigarette to his lips, xavier lights it and inhales deeply ── mind entranced by the rain pelting against the opaque glass. the sound of shattered ceramics and a familiar voice nearly causes xavier to jump out of his own skin. he lets out a sputtering cough, smoke puffing out like an old train engine. as he gains composure, he cannot help but feel somewhat out of place. at first it feels like an invasion of privacy, but he quickly remembers that this had been a shared space…it was their hiding spot. his features soften as he smothers the cig in potted soil. “don’t cut yourself” he cautions mindlessly while kneeling down across from the girl. carefully, he begins to collect the broken pieces. eyes flicker up towards skylar for only a moment before averting once more. “not even here for five seconds, and you’re already trashing the joint. if you wanted the place to yourself, all you had to do was ask,” he gently teases. it’s an attempt to lighten the mood, but all he can feel is the sullen thud of his heart. 

the anxiety he had been experiencing for the whole of his final semester was something that was immobilizing, the breath in his lungs being snatched away by the heavy weight of expectation, his need to not let his parents down something that he had been chained to for as long as he could remember; confined by his own legacy, restricted by an awful, horrible sort of worry that he would somehow disappoint them, that they would look at him with distaste as they had done to pieces of furniture they were hellbent on changing, or even worse, the disinterest they reserved solely for those people who they had mutually, silently decided were no longer worth their time. he was cracking beneath it, a fissure in his perfectly crafted persona of a high school senior who was just so excited for his future, eager for it to start, smile plastered to his handsome face so that his fellow classmates were none the wiser. that’s how he ended up here, the most recent snapchat having been opened, if the empty blue arrow was any indication. for some reason, he had to pick & prod at those things that were meant to be kept beneath the surface, a dually sadomasochistic desire for him to hurt & be hurt being found in the girl that meant too much to him. so he waits, feet up, hands behind his head, alcohol bottle half empty from his own consumption of it, resting in between his legs. not a fan of chase, the taste of vodka lingered on his tongue like a taunt of his disastrousness. 

the light behind his eyes has gone out, a haunting type of dissociation that he worried was only intensified by the drug he couldn’t help but snort off the surface of the desk, that itch to disobey such blatant rules having to be scratched in order for finn cavallero to make it through the night – but it’s alight once more, his face visibly changing as skylar leblanc storms in, indignation coloring her lovely countenance. a single brow raises as she sounds off, her voice on the edge of shrill, but still somewhat threatening, like the promise behind her threat meant more to her than the boy sitting across the office. finn feels selfishly inclined to stay seated, to not bite at the bait she swings in front of him, addict to addict, wanting to see her bend a little more before she breaks. ‘ relax, sky. you’re so wound up. take a deep breath, or something. ’  his voice is all staccato arrogance, the words somehow monosyllabic, shortened by the coldness in his voice. ‘ want to cut me off, sky ? fine. ask yourself if you think that’s a good idea. then you wouldn’t have an excuse to see me. ’  he barks a humorless laugh, drunk looking good on him, but feeling so much worse. ‘ come & take it then. i’d like to see you try. ’ 

            her first taste of vodka hadn’t been a pleasant one, uncapping a bottle that felt too out of place in her delicate hands. without the mask of a sugary counterpart, the clear liquor tasted like rubbing alcohol -- burning her throat as if it were cleansing it. yet, the pain she felt replaced that of her loss, so she kept going. sip after sip it got easier, the taste no longer as abrasive as it once was before. every time she blinked, that final image of austin got blurrier & blurrier. the best part ? for the first time since her brother passed, skylar leblanc felt nothing at all, numb to the guilt that tried to pierce her heart. & so drinking became a religious act, her confessional the leblanc liquor cabinet -- taking a sip for every sin she disclosed from unmoving lips. & somewhere along the way, an addict had been born out of loneliness & culpability -- turning into the one version of herself she promised austin she would never be. as her breathing slows, skylar realizes that looking at finn feels no different than looking in the mirror after going on a bender -- pain hidden behind glazed eyes that convey a faux message of i’m fine, i’m just having fun. if she were anyone else, skylar would recognize the warning signs, taking action to fix someone clearly broken. yet, she’s no better, not in a position to lift someone up when every day challenges her to stay afloat. 

             skylar rarely ever finds herself wanting to be alone. solitude gives her thoughts a chance to manifest into a series of guilt trips. like a loop, that night plays round & round in her head -- inescapable unless skylar turns to a bottle to put her into a state of stupor. yet, the whole gymnasium feels too busy for her, the noise doing the opposite of what it usually does. distancing herself silently, she roams the halls in search of something -- comfort maybe, sanity, most likely. her feet have a mind of their own, mind too busy racing to pay attention until skylar suddenly realizes where she is : bhs’ greenhouse, or better known as the spot she used to share with xavier -- their spot. the earthy smell is familiar, bittersweet as she lets her hand trail against the leaf of a plant. caught up in her own reverie, skylar almost misses the fact that she isn’t alone -- xavier’s back turned to her, peace yet to be disrupted by her presence. skylar considers leaving, pretending like she was never there -- that the two didn’t think of the same place despite separating last year. that would be too easy, & before she knows it -- the choice is made for her, arm accidentally brushing against a ceramic pot that tumbles to the ground in a loud crash. “ shit ! ” she hisses out, guilty eyes meeting xavier’s as she murmurs, “ ‘m sorry i -- ” her voice cuts off, unsure whether she’s apologizing for the mess or for being there. skylar kneels, trying to pick up the pieces without another word because she doesn’t know what to say.