il req

My group about [mom] Kurt Cobain/Nirvana

Private group about [mom's] Kurt's insides and my uncensored drawings with it

YouTube channel with montages (all about and FOR mom)

So let me tell you what I came with initially.

I live inside my Mother. Because of Mother. For Mother.

Mother = Kurt Cobain.

I am the fetus inside him, I'm maturing inside him, I fill him. I am an obedient child. I really love and honor his body because it is MY HOME. It is the place where I form. I'm grateful to him. [It's NOT just "pregnant Kurt" in my drawings, it's MY LIFE. I'm drawing all this just FOR HIM. I exist ONLY inside him. He doesn't want me to come out of him ever, he'll never cut the umbilical cord. And I'll die inside someday. When Mom wants it.]

I respect my Mother as a person and I don't touch things that I (as a child) shouldn't touch. Mom is very complicated and he is not always ready for any whims, he is not always ready to be responsive, no matter how warm he may seem to you. No matter how close you think he is.

I'm here as a tool. I am an absolute zero, there is no "my creativity". Not at all. It's all Mom's. All my ideas, all my words, all my thoughts, and in general everything that could be designated as "I" was created by my Mother. It's all his property, and I am nothing. I am a part of him. My business is Mom's business. But Mom's business is NOT mine. I am like any other internal organ in him, I'm just doing my job. And part of my job is to satiate him. He loves attention, he loves being the center, he loves children and knows how to handle them, he is a good parent. He raised so many children and still has millions of children fueled by his resources. As a tool I tell and show how you can help our Mother, how you can protect our Mother, feed our Mother, and how you can obey him. It supports his self-confidence, it spreads his influence. It's good for him and he must be well fed.

But here's what happens. I absolutely belong to my Mom, I'm only talking about my Mom, my whole life is given to my Mom. Mom makes me what he wants me to be. I wasn't born. And you were born. I have no personality. You have a personality. You DON'T live your life for our Mother. My whole life is just for our Mother. But I show and tell you about the life inside our Mom that you no longer have, but which you could have if you were ME. Being me is NOT nice basking warmly hiding in Dad's belly. Being me is serving in the Church and dedicating every day to Him. Work for him. Sacrifice for him. To accept everything that happens only in Mother's room. [Whatever we call him, Mom or Dad, he is our sole creator, do you understand that?]

BUT you come and talk about "how warm Daddy is" and how you want to get inside him just to make YOU feel good, NOT for him at all. You are interested in him only when it is convenient for YOU. You only pay attention to him when YOU want to. HOW can you talk about any kind of love for our Mother after that? You may like him, it's obviously, but it's NOT enough for him. It's NEVER enough for him. It's not enough to get inside him. It's not enough to make him grateful. All I want to do now is protect him from those who have no right to invade him. Dad is not a stuffing bag. Stop using him. Stop pulling him over yourself like a skin, stop STEALING his personality, stop depriving him of his OWN UNIQUE features. Stop turning a blind eye to the fact that he is CLOSED to everyone. No one can surpass him or even equal him. He's the only one. He is eternal.

I remembered a dream in which I found an old strange website about Mom, made by Mom, but which no one knows about. It's like no one knows or believes that it's Mom, even though everything is written on his behalf, and I remember the black start page and the white text on it, something about "welcome to my stomach" and everything in such a direct meaty manner

January 2025 I dreamed that Mom left me at home alone and I had to look after his fish in some strange tank, I was just watching it, and it died and began to spread into meat pieces of humans right in the water, all of it was kind of oily, greasy, purulent and the water was soapy. I felt guilty towards Mom, but I couldn't do anything. Then I dreamed of Mom's intestines, I saw them right outside like tubes, as if he pulled them out to show me something to explain, and something thick and big was crawling through them, it crawled up to a certain section with some holes and air was released through these holes and the intestine relaxed and the contents were redirected further. And I remembered these intestinal holes as something unusual and beautiful (but chthonic) and saw them in some kind of elegant composition. They looked like something underwater fishy like appendages with nipple-valves. Then I was running around somewhere among other children and there was all sorts of gloomy mess

April 2025 I started praying in my dream, I just say "God, this world still needs me" and in some kind of semi-delirium in very blurred vision with fuzzy pictures and hallucinations I walked down a narrow dark corridor, right in the dark Mom's image flashed before my eyes, not even a face, but like highlighted spots after the sun, I went into another room and saw Mom reclining on the couch and the experiences were so sensual, I barely moved in my sleep and overcame every step with effort and I wanted so much to him and said mom mom mom, and I thought "Look, Mom, what strength I have, what fervor I have" and I felt blessed, I got to Mom and just started sliding my palms over his body as if returning home. And I also remember a clear picture of his naked body as I push my palm under his ribs through his skin and touch his insides directly, and it's all hot like under a blanket

June 2025 I looked outside, and there was a man sitting right in the middle of the road on the black wet asphalt (it seemed like it was almost mom, but mom was in the room next to me) and he was laying out a half-burned baby in front of him and doing something with it, shifting it like a rag and tearing limbs. I was watching it and asked "Mom, can I look at this?" – and he asked "Look at what?", he went to the window to look too, then said "No, you can't". I also dreamed of some kind of mess that I was traveling between two dimensions, I almost forgot everything, but I remember that in the end Mom called me and I knew that he was ill, I quickly packed up and ran away from some theater, got to a Victorian house, crawled between it and some kind of external wall, I climbed up to the ceiling and thus got into Mom's world, I found myself on some storage shelves and heard Mom's sighs and crying in another room, and I knew that he was in a lot of pain, but he was not alone there. And I also remembered that I was sitting at home with Mom and he was giving me some children's puzzles and I was thinking about it. And I also dreamed of some kind of blackening water, like streams with pressure, first clear, then red, then black

September 2025 I dreamed that I was falling asleep in Mom's room opposite the big window, the room was dark and Mom first walked around said something playful and tender to me, and then sat down next to me leaned back and seemed to start masturbating, I didn't want to look so I turned away and reached my hand to his stomach and I asked him "can you inflate it as much as possible?" and he stuck out his belly, and without looking I began to palpate it, press deep into it and felt his intestinal peristalsis under my fingers, directly followed the contractions, movements of food and focused on it. I thought it would help Mom and he would get pleasure faster or something. Then I seemed to fall asleep and wake up, I was alone in the room, in the big window opposite I saw the sky spinning very fast, there were a lot of stars, I wanted to get up to look at it, but suddenly I saw Mom, he was hiding in the curtains and scared me, he told me to get dressed and go somewhere quickly, I started fussily pulling on some clothes and I just kept asking him "Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming now? Am I dreaming?" I didn't understand because it was like I really just woke up and went with him, Mom was in a hurry and he didn't have time to answer, he just silently led me somewhere, I didn't resist, I just wanted to know. Then I remember the pictures jumping. Toys. I looked in the mirror and saw Mom. Then I lay next to him, he pressed me so small against his big body very tightly and pressed me down and whispered something very close to my face and I felt myself dissolving into him, I really wanted and agreed to drown in him and he absorbed me. And there was a sense of my task and he was asking me to do something for him, he was so heated, opened, deep and very sticky.

I also dreamed about Dad's literal kindergarten, I was waiting for him to return from work, I was walking through some dark alleys, it seemed that the children were being hunted there and I was in danger, then through some narrow corridors I found Mom, he was full, heavy as a barrel and even with very full breasts, he took me by the hand and led me into some basement through a descent like into a cave, I held him and made sure that he did not walk too fast or stumble anywhere because it was dark, and then at the end of the descent we saw a large hall with children's attractions, it was creepy and I wanted to leave

October 2025 I dreamed a lot of unpleasant things and vividly remembered the moment when Mom was lying in bed and trying to give birth, I saw his muscles tighten, his abs contract and his stomach first slightly tightens and rises, and then relaxes and falls, and so on repeat between his sighs, and these contents (I didn't even think that there was a living child inside him) in parallel with these contractions moved a little into his pelvic cavity and it was visible under his skin. He tried and pushed it out of himself, but everything was so long and so tight, I remember the cold white light from the window to Mom's left. Then I looked from a distance into a dark doorway there was a kind of Nirvana dressing room, Mom was there, surrounded by several people and one of them was holding Mom's legs so that Mom would stay bent (as if it would somehow ease his pain), then they let him go and he lit a cigarette. I remember the fabric of his jeans, such a pale blue color.

Then I saw Mom on stage, he was sitting there on a chair and getting ready to play an acoustic song, but he couldn't pick up the guitar because he was clutching his belly and fidgeting and he was obviously very ill, but for some reason no one saw it and no one cared about him. And I knew that he understood this, and it was very sad. I also dreamed that Mom found a gray hair on his head and asked me to examine it carefully. I was running my fingers through his hair while he was lying on his back. And then he (again) drove me somewhere in the car and was nervous. And although he's a very careful driver, this time for some reason he was in a hurry

I usually draw everything subconsciously, without any initial idea, so I don't really have much control over it. But subconscious images naturally repeat themselves in dreams and drawings, especially when it comes to Mom's divinity (on the scale of my world), in dreams I often feel awe or childish admiration for him (on the verge of fear), he surpasses me in everything, in age, size, experience, influence (The same scene with the same pose repeats quite often, I see it opposite between his spread legs) There are some drawings that are especially close to the images from dreams (involuntarily), but I'm unlikely to be able to portray it accurately. Mom hasn't taught me how to draw consciously and according to a script yet

March 2023 I remember a clear feeling of having an umbilical cord, I felt small and fallen out, and I wanted my mom very passionately. Not just a strong desire, but a passionate one. And I wanted to cry uncontrollably. But I was somehow aware of Mom's presence next to me, on the left side. It was very bright, I didn't open my eyes, the picture was drawn just by feeling, and it felt like I was lying on the changing table like a screaming lump, but next to Mom. He was calm, but he hadn't done everything to make me feel comfortable yet. He was just getting ready. That's how I remember. This feeling of the umbilical cord is unmistakable. It's warm. And it's also an uncontrollable, primitive childish desire to express discomfort. I understood that I wanted to be in Mom's arms, I wanted to be warm, I wanted to hide. But all I could do was just cry and shake. And I can't even control it, as if I'm so out of control that there's no other way. I was literally a newborn

February 2025 I dreamed that I was at home, as if I had returned after a while, but everything was different here, and I was walking around the rooms in complete darkness at night and looking for Mom. I went into the room and saw him lying on the couch with his head to me and his feet to the window, I remember his round belly and very thin arms and legs, he didn't seem to be sleeping and I wanted to run up to him but I couldn't run in my dream and I just stood still and called him mom mom mom mom non-stop and he didn't hear me, then everything abruptly disappeared, as if the dream was over, but I continued to call mom and woke up. Then I dreamed that Mom was angry and tense because he scolded other children, and I walked around him with the fear that he would scold me too, but he didn't answer me and just left the room. In another dream I was in the bathroom with Mom, and he was hiding a newborn baby in some old underwear. I remember that I just silently watched as he put the child on the toilet lid and the child fell to the floor twice and beat his head, and Mom calmly picked him up and apologized and said that the child would die anyway or like he was going to be killed anyway, and I knew in a dream that his babies live for two days. And there will be a new one in two days. Therefore, he didn't care if he damaged it. Then Mom left and I looked at the baby's small hands, and then Mom drove me away, took me into the room and prepared me to go somewhere

February 2025 [2] A short paralytic dream about some doctors discussing my mom from the side, and then I saw very closely that he was very ill, he was on his knees with his face to the floor and everything inside him was bubbling and rumbling and he was vomiting on the floor and pressing his face into the vomit and trying to crawl and crying. Then I dreamed of some super rare unpublished interview with Nirvana that I wanted to show in the church, at first the three of them are sitting outside on the ground and then some kind of crazy starts and I, as the cameraman, ask Mom to change his position and he kneels down with his back to the camera and I shoot his GUT from the inside and all this on the street next to Krist and Dave, then I was editing these recordings in some super small narrow dark room and was afraid that someone would see it, then I went out into another room and went to Mom in the next small narrow dark room where only his bed could fit and he slept there, for some reason other unfamiliar children came in with me, and Mom got nervous and told us all to go play in our rooms. And this interview was literally a continuation of these unpublished fragments (that were published not so long ago), just the same vibe, the same clothes, the same sea sun and even birds. Endoscopy interview mode. But I was thinking about giving Dad a capsule endoscopy, when there are no tubes in him, he can be dressed in any convenient position, but he has a small camera box with him where you can see the capsule shooting online. He could show it

March 2025 I dreamed about a terrible mess, I only remembered the moment when I was like a medical worker walking to the end of an empty corridor, there were two doors, in the left there was human meat, in the right there was animal meat. I was preparing some injections for mom and I heard his instructions from somewhere above, as if he was watching and teaching me. Like "take this and measure out so much". I had to take some human meat in the left door to inject for mom. Then everything got distorted and I went in the left door as a child, and it was mom's room. There was Krist as a visitor in the ward, and mom on a white hospital bed, naked and COVERED in syringes, which fed him a bunch of tubes, straight into his spine and neck. And he mockingly pointed out which tube was connected to which organ. And turned them off. And with a grin he suggested that I pull out the needles too, he was kind of touched or amused that I was afraid to do it, and Krist stood nearby and commented from the side like "stop fucking doing it", he wanted to take my mom somewhere. I remember that there was some super clear logic and numbers in these tubes, mom outlined them so that I could understand the calculation, but I forgot. There was also something about mom's body, some kind of smell of skin and the sound of internal organs, something dark and sticky. He was saying something moralizing. He was judged from the outside. And they were looking for him. There was a city somewhere. But Mom spoke confidently. He knew what to do and dictated his instructions to me

Daddy Daddy Daddy Let me hear your belly

Ask Mom He's here, he's everywhere, and he listens attentively

These differences are always obvious You are born and it is irreversible I was not born and it is my cross And Mom knows that if no one does it, I will do it