NUMBER ONE SPOKE FAN

#uu -- unstable stuff

#my art -- art i made / related to art i made (drawing/writing/wtvr)

#uu char anys -- uu character analysis

#unstable universe textposts -- my uu textposts

#for the aofans -- asks abt my ao3 / my fics

#uu[name] -- tag for an unstable character

#lstl[name] -- tag for a lifesteal character

#char anys -- character analysis

#spoke char anys -- spoke character analysis

#asks -- asks

SPOKE THESIS GO!!! I always refer to this as the spoke thesis because it's like, the coire of his character. Spoke needs to be Good, because if he isn't good, then he everyone will leave him. and then for so long he needed to be Good that being Good just became his whole identity in his head. BUT AT THE SMAE TIME he hates himself and thinks he's evil <-thats what makes him self isolate usually. "if im not Good, then im not a person. i dont deserve to live if im not Good" so he goes to extremes to justify to himself that he's Good, and this is just delusions (medical delusions). Because he like. like he kills rose and tries to convince himself that it was good. The post majrose thing with infiltration quartet is so beautiful to me becuase spoke comes clean to mapicc, and mapicc guides spoke into realizing that hes allowed to make mistakes. [also on the mistakes thing, spoke when he is trying to convince himself that he's good will go 'man i just made a bunch of past mistakes but its chill now' like she can never pick a happy medium its always leaning way too far one way. #mentallyill]

but in your fics spoke just feels so inferior to mapicc. especially the ending of What I Am Not, i really get the feeling that mapicc is this huge shining star while spoke is the surrounding darkness in comparison.

OH BOY YOURE GIVING ME SOMETHING TO TALK ABOTU. ive said it many times, ill say it agian, mapicc loves spoke like a god loves their only follower. he wants the best for spoke, he loves spoke. and spoke feels like dirt on the street when compared to mapicc. spokes delusions, in What I Am Not, have shifted away from the "i need to be Good or else im less than human" and into healing. His delusions are less intense, but still there. healing isn't fast. Because in uu, spoke thinks that mapicc is an angel. mapicc is Good. So once the need to be Good has been mostly addressed and delt with, they're left with a vaguely unhealthy devotion. I don't think anyone realized how insane it was that spoke believed(/religious) mapicc enough that he loved himself. Mapicc told spoke "love yourself" and spoke Did It. That's insane. that's absolutely ridiculous and not how normal people works and yeah it's good that spoke loves himself but that's fucking insane that spoke is devoted to mapicc like that. anywya. ya.

MAPICC BELIEVES IN SPOKE SO MUCH THAT IT KILLS HIM. yeah. Yeah. I said this last post too but the fact that spoke loves mapicc is what dooms mapicc. its what kills him.

DUDE YES :M<APOPO LMAOOOOA ALAMOO mapicc is liek "we'll just work together until we're out... i dont car abt you.." mapicc pls girl this is abusive. mapicc ur an abuse victim PLEASE run. It's a little funny but its also so so so so sad because fuckkkkk what can you do? Wht can you do? UGH! And then he never gets out. and hes trapped forever. YES I FUCKING THINK THAT ROWAN YES I THINK THAT SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP as mapicc drops in the void, to what he thinks is his death (hes alive) his 'last' thoughts are about spoke. He wants to hate spoke, but he know it's all love. he knows he loves spoke. spoke is horrible and fucked up and mapicc loves him. I don't... it's like. okay. if my abuser is like, 93% of the last two years of my life, and then suddenly im dropped somewhere where all my senses are deprived and i cant interact with anything but my own thgouhts... i mean im gonna think about my abuser. It's complicated! I don't think mapicc wants spoke back, but he just doesnt know what else to want. do you get it. he misses spoke but he doesnt actually. he yearns.

“i’m sorry i’m the one you love / no one will ever love me like you again / so when you leave me, i should die / i deserve it, don’t i?” like ugh. UGH. again, the inferiority complex. spoke’s suicide attempt in the maze when he jumps off the top and almost misses the water at the bottom. all because mapicc left him. and because jamato exposed his lies. and no one will ever love spoke like that again!!!

yep yep yep. i wouldnt personally call that a suciide attempt like some of his other stuff because he didn't intend to die, but he was 100% considering it yall see how close he was... mmm maybe it was and he was leaving it up to fate to decide if he got to live.. i dont remember how much middair positioning he did.... But it was at the very least like 50% an attempt. I'm only hesitant to call it because that feels very like confining? Like its too messy to be cleanly cut like that imo. AND YES YES YES EVERYTHING ELSE YES. no one will EVER love spoke like that again ever ever ever. mapicc was it.

it’s not that mapicc excused spoke’s bad behavior, it’s that he loved him enough to look past it (until he couldn’t, anyway). it actually breaks my heart to imagine mapicc sitting alone in the underworld thinking spoke never loved him. 

^this goes with the last thing. mapicc was the only one who stayed. No one else is gonna do that for spoke. No one's saying it was healthy for mapicc (unhealthy ass duo) but mapicc was like. THE only thing holding spoke back, and then he became not enough. It's like. Cuz he was keeping spoke mostly in check right, but then when he came back from being captured by null, its like. Okay, for the past two years mapicc has been reeling spoke in like a leashed animal and theyre equally matched for the most part so the leash stays at a solid six feet of distance. but then mapicc gets captured and cant fight spoke pulling on the leash, so spoke pulls, used to mapicc pulling him back, but there's nothing there. like playing tug of war with all your might and then the other person lets go and you fall on your ass

and dont even bring up the underworld. god. mapicc loves spoke. loves him so much.

"a bonus" and then u kill me

This is so spoke's feeling of inaddquacy. inadequicy. inadequacy. inadequacy. girl what. sorry u get it this is spoek feeling like not enough. "somebody else will love You, but no one could [love] Me". I've gotten so many asks that i don't remember who this was sorry but someone brought up how insecure spoke is and how little he seems to trust mapicc when mapicc has proven his devotion over and over. Like when hes talking to jamatos grave and goes "You really thought mapicc would leave me.. and you almost got him to!" when there's really no world where mapicc willingly seperates himself from spoke like that. he would argue maybe and push spoke and leave for a little bit at max but he'd always return. and spoke doesnt trust him, still. Spoke is so caught up with his "im horrible. im the worst." that he doesn't conisder that mapicc lvoes him. spoke is so bad at love.

also "forgive" as Love yurp thats spokes god he gives confiteors to.

no one klnows spoke like mapicc does. maybe thats part of why he feels so insufficient in comparison to mapicc. Mapicc knows every worst part of him, but spoke just knows mapicc as an angel.

If I leave, somebody else will find you But nobody else could see me Quite as clearly as you (You, you) Only you know, I've let only you know

THAT LAST LINE. OW??? i've let only you know.... spoke has no one else. he cannot see beyond it /ref. AGAIN, no one KNOWS spoke like mapicc does. Nobody nobody. You aren't listening. nobody. nobody nobody. mapicc is all spoke has, mapicc is his entire world. Mapicc is the endling of a species that spoke depends on or his food chain collapses. Mapicc is the only one (only one! Not jamato not ash not minute not jumper not anybody but mapicc) who can see spoke this clearly. And even then, he doesn't see it all. spoke is lonely, to say the least

(rocks slowly back and forth) ohhhhhhhh

How I ride through a tunnel And it's dark the whole way I ride through a tunnel It's been dark the whole way I ride through a tunnеl It's still dark the whole way

Yeah youre right. spoke hole theory :pensive: Spoke just doesnt ever have goals i think like. mapicc was the goal holder. mapicc held a lot of things for spoke, and he corrected spokes vision towards their goal of staying alive and staying in love. But without mapicc spoke thinks it's beenn dark the whole way because he keeps looking at the walls of the tunnel instead of the ending. and even then, the light at the end of it seems so far and behind so so many turns. Spoke doesnt know that he can be saved.

Mapicc. Is. All. Spoke. Has.

FANTASY DISABILITY SPOKE!!! Yes it's an allegory for mental illness. okay i dunno if i misexplained or something but spoke like. okay for our purposes theres two versions of love. The standard, stereotypical love that encompasses platonic romantic sexaul-- actually. ill draw it. hang on

^This is how most people see love, this is the "normal"

^further explanation

notice how theyre all contained in pretty circles. This is because Player Centers hold and divide these things. It might sometimes feel vague what a relationship is, but deep down and codally (code-aly) their code(soul??body??) knows how they view the relationship. These can also shift and change and they're fluid, but they are still in these sections. And you might wonder, well what is beyond platonic?? what is to the left of my chart? Outside the circles? Well.

[innaccurate bc its 2d and i cant fold the model] ^Spoke is disabled. He literally has a different capacity than the normal. This happens because. Okay. The Universe makes a player, and their codal anatomy is standardized and relatively uniform; the code that holds their likes is next to the code that makes them happy. Spoke is what we call a self constructed player, basically a c-section universe birth. The Universe makes Players and it makes them with love, imbuess them with the truth of the End Poem and teaches them how to love and how to speak and people are just made with these things. Self constructed Players make themselves, and, depending what level of done they were when they broke away from the universe, they don't have the blueprints for the rest of themself. In Spoke's case, he has solid like, biology and stuff. He has a species (riftangel), he has a height parameters ('parameters' bc in this world u can change parts of urself. My way to explain skins), his body knows what shape to be. For the most part. Everything beyond that is fuzzy. The first ones and zeroes that made SpokeIsHere had to figure out what he needed and where to put thiings, so spoke doesn't have all the fancy tech that his friends do. he doesn't have mostly distinct sections of platonic romantic sexual, he doesn't have the standard and defined groups of love, because the Universe did not create his love. He has no idea how to handle it. He's special, unique, and no one has ever had the exact parameters of love that he does.

Okay. So, you ask "why can't spoke love mapicc? Where do you think the love is, if it exists? Does spoke know it exists? Does mapicc?" and these are AMAZING QUESTIONS AND I LOVE YOU.

Spoke is... hm. he's complex. he's hard. He thinks himself to be so different from every other thing because, on some level, he is.

He doesn't have the truth of the End Poem, because the Universe didn't get to imbue him with it. On some level, spoke is different, but the issue arises when he thinks that because he is different, he is bad. he thinks bc he's fundies diffies, he is seperate from the rest of the Universe. He thinks he's alone.

He is not alone. He is not seperate from every other thing.

Just because the Universe didn't get to tell him this doesn't mean it isn't true. The Universe loves Spoke, because he is love. He and his unique parameters,, are love. He is love. He is loved, and he can love others.

Spoke struggles to love mapicc, because he's attempting to speak a language he doesn't know. He's trying to love mapicc in the standard way, when he can only love mapicc in SpokeIsHere's way. Spoke can love mapicc. he does, in fact! But he's so caught up trying to flatten his 4d experience into 3d that he doesn't realize it. Spoke thinks that he is so wretchedly different, but the truth is that he's just.. different. There's no moral value to being different. In my opinion, it's fascinating but that's because im aroace and weird about love.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me finally answer your questions.

Where do you think the love is?

I think spoke has tried very hard to bury anything he thinks is Different. capital d because different is BAD AHH!!

has tried to bury the difference so much so that he has actually squished himself down. Pretend that the little tail is going like upwards to symbolize consumption and intimacy. I wish i has a 3d model but alas

the love is there. but its underneath a lot of societal pressures that spoke has half forced on himself. jamatop and ashswag are ABLEIST for telling him he was meant to be a villain /silly but there's like a modicum of truth there

Does the love even exist?

Does spoke know it exists?

On some layer of himself, yeah. he knows the true form of his love deep down in his code. But he's fabricated a version so well to himself that he is profoundly aware of always that he's neglected that version. You know how the body keeps the score? Spoke's body knows how to love. His body is the one that made him love like this, after all. It keeps track of the parameters and ignores his pleas to be normal. But Spoke, the soul part of him, doesn't really know the true like, bounds of his love. Becuase it's amazing. He has so much lovespace in him and he's blocking it off from being filled

Does mapicc know it exists?

This is interesting. No. Simple answer, no. Mapicc hasnt heard of self constructed players, he can only really comprehend spoke's love in terms of the universes blueprint, because he has yet to realize there is more. I headcanon a buncha shit idk if u know what lorelocks are but basically mapicc and spoke dont remember anything outside of uu until theyve left uu, which they cant do until they lose their attachments. Offserver, off of uu, lifesteal mape knows about self constructed players, and he lets spoke love him in wtvr way spoke needs. most lifestealers do. But uu mape just doesnt know.

uu mape thought that spoke loved him in the universe blueprint's way, but he isnt sure. Becuase to him, lying is a very very clear sign of hate and being enemies. So he isn't sure. He doesn't know. It's very conflicting. He misses spoke.

You're an angel, I'm a dog Or you're a dog and I'm your man You believe me like a god I destroy you like I am

Ayy the line. lets die. This is spoke saying this, because he's got that mental illness shit where he flip flops between depression and mania. Mapicc is an angel, spoke's saving grace, and spoke just feels like a dog. But also, spoke is mapiccs owner. Spoke has conflicting ideas about everything. YOU BELIEVE ME LIKE A GOD. Mapicc has loved spoke for 2 years, and believed in him even when change seemed impossible. "I destroy you like I am" because spoke just hurts and hurts mapicc. because spoke is what kills mapicc

I'm sorry I'm the one you love No one will ever love me like you again

okay. okay. Spoke loves mapicc(in his weird mentally ill way, as ive said b4) and hes so sorry. (what is love if not the original apology? i love you i love you and i am sorry. /ref) He's so so so sorry sometimes, when he's depressive instead of manic, because mapicc is saving spokes life every day and he deserves better. mapicc has so much love and hes an angel and he deserves so much better than spoke. No one has loved spoke like this, and there's good reason. mapicc is it for spoke

So, when you leave me, I should die I deserve it, don't I? One day, you'll figure me out I'll meet judgment by the hounds

So when mapicc finally leaves, spoke will die, because that is all he knows how to do alone. Mapicc leaves and spoke is lost. Spoke has been figured out, and mapicc, hound mapicc, tears him the fuck apart. Rips open everything spoke thought he was, breaks spokes identity open. Without the foundation of his mapicc, his dog, spoke has no idea who he is. Mapicc made him a person. Or at least, that's what Spoke thinks. Mapicc just kept him stable, and now without mapicc, spoke cant properly identify the good parts of himself.

Mapicc leaving forces spoke to look inside himself, basically, and spoke can't identify anything but emptiness and rot. But spoke needs to be good, he is a martyr and a hero or he is nothing, so spoke flipflops between depression (wanting to die + lamenting that he'll never be Good) and mania (convincing himself that if he dies in a prison escape, that is a noble way to go and hes a hero)

because like if mapicc isnt there to provide a foundation and support for spoke, then spoke falls apart. With all the people telling spoke "you are meant to be evil this is your Destiny you cant escape it", it makes snese that spoke should need mapicc, an angelic savior, who tells him "you arent incapable of change". and then he ruins that. he ruins everything.

You believe me like a god I betray you like a man

just what do i even say. Mpaicc loves spoke like a god their only follower, which is divine. Their love is really like going back to a broken god every time something goes wrong. It's an addiction, it's love in the same way that shrooms are god. And he loves spoke.

and horribly, horribly, spoke loves him too. Spoke loving mapicc is ultimately what dooms mapicc. Spoke doesnt know how to love, and it's heartbreaking and it makes me cry and due to the nature of unstable, he can never settle down enough to learn. It's HORRIBLE because mapicc would be such such such a good teacher and hes willing too but unstables environment never lets them get that peace, so spoke only gets worse and worse. it's horrible.