hey. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?
this blog (and its accompanying blogs) have been eating at my head for awhile. I didn’t leave it with a proper goodbye besides what I wrote in my bio, and I don’t know if anyone bothered to read that.
what I came here to say basically sums up to:
I cannot maintain this blog anymore
I knew this was coming for a very long time. People who have known me since my first blog probably did too. Tumblr has never been a safe space for me, there has always been someone watching my blog in an attempt to do me harm. It was true then, it’s probably true now. (I wouldn’t put it past the people I have issues with to look through this thing.)
because of this, I permanently logged out after changing my bio. No goodbyes, no special post, nothing. But it always sat at the back of my thoughts how bad of an ending that was, and you know I love to write a good ending.
so I came to write this epilogue, of sorts. Tie up loose ends in the form of somewhat qna before I log out forever (and possibly make my friend who owns the email for this account archive it.)
what have you been up to?
Senior year stuff. I feel very old now. I’m taking a lot of college classes and don’t have a lot of time for things. I’ve gotten way better at cross country. I’m in the top of our JV team, I recently set a new 5K personal best (24:04). I’m still going strong with my wonderful boyfriend and we’ve been dating for nearly a year now. I want to marry him and grow old with him more than anything in the world.
who are you now?
Sikada is such a decades old name. I’m sorry I never updated you all. It’s Julien-Rose now, most people just call me Rose. I’m apathetic towards labels. I don’t use pronouns, in the sense that I have no preference and therefore use all of them. It’ll be like that for a long while, I think
why leave?
As stated before, this website has never truly been safe. I’ve had panic attacks just trying to hit post. I still get scared about the idea of posting. Must I bring up the many side blogs of “meowzerhardwarevers2” (the best example being pi, since I literally took on a different identity so i wouldn’t feel pressured to talk to Eloise just for posting) Sure, other social media sites aren’t much better, but ever since what happened with Eloise I haven’t been able to look at this website the same. Maybe someday, in the distant future (a year from now when I’m in college the soonest), I’ll come back with a fresh outlook on life. But for now I’d feel safer elsewhere.
a message to my friends
I am so grateful for everything you all have done for me. I would not be here if it weren’t for your support. You all have seen me through so much, from my time in the cjrp to the fall of my original blog to right now. You all have been so unbelievably kind and amazing, and I wish you all nothing but the best. Thank you.
so where does that leave us?
basically, where we started. I haven’t posted since January. I can’t remember when I changed my bio. We all knew this was coming. I just wanted closure on this chapter of my life. If you really want to visit me I exist under various variations on the user “rose.thornz” (both of which are listed in my bio).
I love you all, I wish you nothing but the best
Sincerely,
Julien-Rose
