Fat stuff

- English is not my first language and it probably shows now and then idk

... went to the doctor today, had to see a different doctor than my regular one because she's on leave this year. I was there for my yearly checkup. This new doctor focused heavily on my weight, talked about the health risk correlations of high body weight (absolutely nothing new), weighed me and told me in very serious tones that I'm obese, and that they can give me medications or treatment or refer me to a clinic. She brought this up with no other data about me than my bmi and my blood pressure (normal and unchanged from last year, even despite me having very high anxiety during the measuring). Her overall demeanor was what I would call stern and haughty, although my mental state probably affects this impression. I felt overwhelmed and shameful, struggled to talk, only managed to communicate that I don't have any health issues that I'm aware of, nothing that ails me, and that unless there's a case for medical intervention beyond just my size I'm not interested in weight loss treatment. I had a major panic attack in my car afterwards, cried for almost an hour, eventually took a very light sedative and managed to sleep some. It's hard to express just how much of an effect this stuff has. And I've heard of much worse doctor's office experiences. This lady was never deeply unprofessional, she checked in with me and honored my request not to tell me what I weigh (numbers like that tend to trigger compulsive behavior for me). I'm sure she thought herself helpful and even friendly, even if she was clearly not the gentle soft-spoken type. I have health anxiety, and so it costs a lot mentally to even go to the doctor. I work hard constantly to deal with the fear of things going wrong in my body and life turning upside-down. By all means - if my tests show anything concerning that warrants treatment, lifestyle changes, etc, of course I will do what I need to do to take care of myself! The reason I get checkups every year is precisely to stay on top of my health markers and make adjustments if necessary! But she speedran all of that and decided it was best I start worrying right away. For the past hours I've been struggling hard with thoughts of self-harm, and stimming intensely. I feel a desperate desire to be acceptable. I crave the nods of approval given to fat people who pursue weight loss. I crave the safety and security I imagine thin people feel. I picture going to the doctor as a thin woman, getting diagnosed with something and being met with compassion. Sick because I'm unfortunate, like all people can be. Not because I'm fat and any ailment is an extension of my wretched fat soul, a curse I brought upon myself. Isn't that messed up? I feel like I'd be safer, better off, in a sick thin body than in a healthy fat one. And a lot of people think that's actually how it works. I don't, but that's how it feels right now. I'd be absolved. I'd be righteous. I feel less-than, useless, unworthy of love, unworthy of joy, unworthy of food, unworthy of life. Every shitty emotion I try to use this blog to lessen in other fat people. Maybe I shouldn't post this then, but I really needed to write it out, and possibly connect with others who know what it's like. It's a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. If you're feeling like shit: I love you.

Time to expand on this 🙂 The people who unlike this commenter do not ask about this in good faith usually seem to want one thing: for fat activists to "admit it". Admit that fatness can be classified as a problem. Admit that there is such a thing as "too fat". So let's go there, sort of. Can body size, in a strictly physical sense, regardless of discrimination and exclusion in society, be limiting or disabling? Yes. Body activist movements are often accused of denying this, but I don't really see that happening. Fat liberation is concerned with social justice for fat people. Body positivity is concerned with individual self-acceptance. HAES is concerned with the accessible pursuit of better health regardless of weight. Neither of those necessitate drawing a line in the sand between the acceptable and the non-acceptable fats. There is no "too fat to have rights". There is no "too fat to be allowed to love and accept yourself". There is no "too fat to build a healthier life". As for what constitutes being "too fat to live the life you want" - that's up to each individual person. I'm a small fat woman. I'm not gonna sit here and tell infinifat people that they have no business wanting or trying to lose weight. I'm also not gonna tell them that they must do so. And no one should presume to tell me what size or which choices are right for me either. I do think it's important to know that not all fat people can or will or should lose weight. And that the reasons people are fat or stay fat vary greatly, and that strangers are not entitled to know those reasons for to pass judgement. You own your body. Embrace it exactly as is if you wish. Try to change it if you wish. Feel however you feel about it. Regardless, you are never too fat to be loved, to be important, or to be a person.

(And yes, I'm very lucky to have a good relationship with my dad where we can communicate like this.)