Believe

Starting weight: 362lbs Current weight 337lbs

I’m doing really well, and the results are right there in front of my face, but I’m still hungry all the time, I still crave more cheese or anything else. I don’t like enough vegetables to make this work really well for me and it’s disheartening. If I liked raw vegetables more this wouldn’t be so hard but the only things I have for snacks on my work days are carrots, which I don’t even like all that much, and cucumbers, which I’m getting sick of. Bleh. I’m so unhappy I can’t even bring myself to do the things I used to love doing before I started dieting. I will keep going, It’s hard, but I have a goal to reach and I wont let myself miss this opportunity for change.

As far as my foot which I broke last august, I’ve had nothing really to help me with the pain. I had a walking boot for 4 months, which I decided that I didn’t want to wear anymore and just stopped. My foot hurt whether or not I was wearing it so there was no real point. I use athletic tape now and arch support braces, and I’ve just become to accept that I’ll always be in pain and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is one part of the reason I started losing weight.

Obviously one of the other reasons is self esteem issues, but not the type you would think. I love myself, my body, and everything about me. However, a small part of me, and I have been assured that I’m wrong but its still there, thinks that Evan doesn’t find me attractive. Intellectually I know I’m being really stupid, because he wouldn’t have started dating me if he didn’t find me attractive, but he doesn’t touch me. Not like, sexually or anything, our sex life has been fine. Just, casual touching. I understand that some people don’t really care for casual touching and that’s fine, but i wish that he would touch me more. I crave the attention. I’m the type of person who doesn’t know how to bring up my own wants in conversation (a suffer in silence type due to past abuse) I just don’t know how to approach these conversations that I want to have with him. Another big thing that I’ve been mulling over lately is that I actually want to spend the rest of my life with him, he makes me so happy and he supports my choices with my career and this whole dieting mess. One issue we’re having though is that he doesn’t really want to have children, and I really do. We have briefly discussed it before and I’ve come to the conclusion that there might not be a compromise. I might have to either give up my dream of having kids, or him, and that’s something that hurts. A lot. I can’t imagine my life without him, and I would never force him into having a child because that’s down there with one of the worst things I believe someone can do to another person. It’s not going to be easy giving up on something I always wanted.

On a lighter note, my week has gone pretty awfully. My brother is in Sweden right now and I’m really happy about that but the time difference makes it difficult to talk with him everyday like I usually do. I haven’t been sleeping well. I had to call in sick to work today, but that’s fine because I’ve already put in 41 hours in 4 days, so I’m not taking a pay cut by staying home. I’m stressed to the point of it making me really sick, and I’m always exhausted. Luckily, I only work 4 days at Mitchell Road next week, and then I’m back in the actual stores so that will be good for both my mood and my foot pain.

I might have too many stuffed animals.

I’m procrastinating doing my chores today because I’m writing this, which I was procrastinating doing because of work, so it’s an endless cycle of things in my life piling up and I dont know what to do with myself.

I have a few friends who regularly ask me for advice (I feel like a den mother for my group of friends) and sometimes I want to tell them that I’m not handling my life any easier than they are, I just remember everything my grandma told me about things.

Evan’s coming home in 3 hours with company, I should really try to get the energy to get off the couch and do my vacuuming, but a nap sounds nicer.

If you feel like this is rambly, i’m sorry, thats how I think.

Until next time,