They say I'm better off now

Once I started college, I felt like, on the outside, everything was fine. I was getting all A’s, and I had friends but when I was by myself, I felt like I was spinning out of control. I couldn’t handle my thoughts or my emotions. I would break down crying and then suck it up and go hang out with people like nothing happened. It wasn’t until after my freshman year, I was diagnosed with anxiety. 

The moment a therapist looked at me and said “Well that’s anxiety” I smiled. I felt less alone, less misunderstood, and, in a way, less crazy. I started looking back at who I was and who I am today and everything seems to make sense. 

*I’m not an expert on anxiety. Honestly, this might not even be because of anxiety but these are habits I feel like I developed because of my anxiety.*

I always picked at my lips or scratched at my skin                                           Honestly, I don’t know how common this is but the smallest things bothered me, things I couldn’t control. If my lips were chapped, I picked and pulled at the skin just to get the parts that made my lips chapped off. I knew it wouldn’t help, I knew it made it worse but I couldn’t help it. Today, I catch myself doing it without realizing. I also scratch at my skin a lot. It’s a nervous habit I picked up when I was younger. I have eczema, so that’s why I would itch but I started scratching when I was nervous, upset, sick, etc. I could tell how agitated I was just by how much I was scratching at my skin. I would do it unconsciously. I use to wake up with small spots of blood on my sheets from the irritated skin bleeding. I still do it sometimes, but I started wearing a hair tie around my wrist to play it with instead of scratching. 

I would daydream in bed but it felt like more of a nightmare than a dream       Before I would fall asleep, I would think about my day and think of scenarios that could have happened or what I wished happened. Sometimes it would lead me into thinking of the different ways I could lose my best friend, different reasons why someone would stop talking to me, or extreme scenarios like someone I cared about dying. Something so small could turn into something so extreme to the point where I would just cry. This still happens today but most nights I listen to night meditations. I always fall asleep to them but I’m still trying to figure out if its because I find them that boring or if its because they are actually working. 

I always have to go to the bathroom                                                                        This is something that literally has been happening my whole life. My parents still joke around about how I had to “try out every bathroom.” I hate when they do because I can’t help it, and I’m not lying about having to go to the bathroom. I honestly feel like I have to go but when I do, I realize that I really didn’t have to. This one was always hard to explain to people (also awkward to explain). I don’t know the exact reason why this happens but I think it is because I get nervous that if I don’t go to the bathroom now, I’m going to have to go at an inconvenient time. Like during a movie, in class, at a party, in the car, etc. I’m still trying to figure out ways to fix this one. Though it is small compared to other things, it definitely can be the most annoying. 

I find everything annoying                                                                                    This is something that I’m trying really hard to stop but it is becoming the most challenging aspect. I always joked that I hate everything or I’m competitive and like to argue. Someone could do something or say something moderately annoying and I would let play it over and over again until I couldn’t stand being around that person. I could be having a conversation with someone and they could bring up a topic or mention something, and I would snap. I realized that I have triggers. Words or statements that I correlate to insecurities that I have and when someone does something or say something related to it, even if it is small, it could change my whole mood. I’m trying really hard to stop or tone it down. I was taught to just take a deep breath and leave the situation if I can, but I have never been one to let things go.