Spit Polish the Universe

bri'ish food is nothing special but every time i walk into the local fish n chip place i ask for a medium and they hand me a parcel of vinegar soaked fries so thick i struggle to carry it home with two hands. they look me in the eye and know theyve given me enough potato to feed me for a week. and for what. like 4 quid. you gotta respect the quantity over quality approach of it sometimes.

my advice for women is eat more, shave less, and do whatever the fuck you want

#1 rule of comedy is never punch down. #2 rule is any named soup is funny. bisque, chowder, vichyssoise, gazpacho, gumbo etc. all funny

unfortunately if Arthur Conan Doyle was alive today he would spread misinformation in a weekly podcast

on tv people are always getting called by professional titles instead of names eg captain doctor detective what have you. wish this happened more in real life in general for your average person. I would like to simply be addressed by the element of my life that is relevant to the current situation, I mostly do not want people to know or use my name. hello patient, the doctor will see you now. dear applicant we are sorry to say that we think your resume is terrible and we hope you crumble into unseeing dust forever, goodbye. you there, shopper, please stop hiding under the clothing racks and leaping out to bite people. and so forth

your cat was an honor to see in the window