Silver & Lieutenant

Well like a lot of shit is going on and my mental state took a big nose dive. Trying to keep a roof over my head is the biggest thing. I have a few options? Kinda? It involves a lot of phone calls and filling out paperwork and partly that’s what has landed me where I am now to begin with. People that I trusted to help me haven’t and my case worker has done so much to make my anxiety and depression so much worst. Speaking up has just made me feel ignored so that made me tank even harder. 

It’s just every time I try to say if something bothers me it just pushed aside or seen as not a big deal, and I try to say to myself that’s not true but the evidence makes that hard. So my solution has been to just...leave... Not healthy, I know, and it’s a terrible habit I have that those that have known me for years have been dealing with. Something triggers me, I shut down for months. Not just one thing, it builds up for a while and reaches a point I can’t handle.

I’ve been in a very very not good place. Well like...I’ve always been in a not good place but sometimes it’s easier to silence the thoughts. Then my safe space became a place I didn’t feel safe in. So feeling like I can’t say something or feeling like a constant burden to people didn’t help. That I bitch and moan without doing anything about it so people shouldn’t need to deal with that. And then I’m a shitty friend who can’t be there for others since I’m always too warped up in myself. People do help me, in the last year friends have gone above and beyond for me, but then I get into the cycle of how much I don’t deserve that and I do jack shit to repay all of that. 

I am....trying....and I want to write, I want to be part of the found family I’ve found over the years. But I can’t get over how much I don’t deserve any of it no matter who says what. So I lock myself away only making it worst the more I isolate. At this point I’m pretty sure I spent more time isolated from the RP community then I’ve been apart of it. Then that just makes me feel like a terrible toxic person to have around and the cycle repeats. 

This time around I am going to therapy, 5 days a week. (Most of the time at least.) But I don’t talk much and certainly not about anything deep. And when the people who should be helping me aren’t listening to me it just makes it so much worst. My case worker is a terrible human being and I refuse to work with them ever again. I’ve said I don’t want to work with them but I was told ‘they are one of the best’ and got ignored when I say things that are done, or aren’t done, and what gets said sometimes. If they had listen to me *months* ago and started paperwork then for things, I wouldn’t be where I am now. But no, they just kept pushing for things that wouldn’t help then say ‘well this won’t do anything to help the issue but here we’ll do this, the other stuff takes too much time.’ Like wtf am I supposed to do with that? If I could do this shit myself, I wouldn’t be coming to them for help. 

I also get real sick of the pity when I am clearly not OK at group, and people offering to hug me and I said no so they fucking grab my shoulder. I said don’t fucking touch me so you touch me. And don’t give me the pity or ‘it will get better’ shit. The fuck it will. It just makes me not want to say anything. But then if I go to group and do talk/joke/smile, people go ‘oh you’re better’. Like...no? Either I get pity and generic phrases and people ‘comforting’ me or I just treated like everything is totally fine now because I made a few stupid puns. It’s literally mental health group therapy people. It makes it hard to go and want to deal with all of it. And once again the whole when I say something I don’t get listened to comes up so why the fuck should I even bother.

I’m trying to get help, I’m trying to get better, but everything is falling apart around me and the people that want to help can’t do anything and the people that should be helping aren’t doing shit. I’m not OK. At all. My head is a very dark place. It probably would help to talk to people but what was my safe space isn’t somewhere I want to be, I feel like a burden and toxic friend, I feel ignored when I do speak up..... So I....don’t know what to do. Even when people offer kindness and comfort and love, I get so wrapped in my own shit that I want to tell them to fuck off and never log back into discord/turn off my phone. 

So that’s....my rant.... I’m lost, in a very dark place, and don’t feel like I deserve to come out of it. Thanks...for reading...? Guess I feel like people deserve some kind of bullshit explanation to why I vanished again.