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Reasons To Keep You Here (Yuri x AFAB Immigrant Reader) Part 5: CONCLUSION
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey guuuuyyyss taps the mic
So. Yeaah…. What happened was, at first, after the fourth chapter, I got writer’s block. I felt like I needed a break and it wouldn’t hurt anyways since I had an idea on how I wanted to end things, and on what the ‘big event’ of the chapter would be. Then. My fee student subscription to Microsoft Word Doc expired because I graduated, aaand I could not access my files for a while.
So then I transferred them to google.
But that shit got confusing to read because the formatting was not the same
And let’s just say… life just kept getting busy.
The world just keeps turning.
And anytime I finally resolved myself to finishing.
Id be overwhelmed by the little bit of ideas I had left and underwhelmed trying to come up with more padding to make this the best ending.
And I
was just Sisyphus
Carrying this military-clad softcore yandere man up a stairmaster hill.
Please. Take the fruit of my labor. After all this time. Please take my heart and soul. I’m so sorry I have led you on so many times.
Thank you so sososososo goddamn much for sticking with me. For all of you that kept coming back and leaving messages and checking on me. For the peeps that sent me Yuri fanart, wrote essays on Yuri’s personality and trauma, cried and begged and thanked me, wishing me well (OFFERED ME YOUR FIRSTBORN???)
You all made a difference.
This is for you.
~
It had only been a week since that night, but Yuri has been getting BLATANTLY touchier in a way that was making it hard to breathe.
With both your emotions running too high, neither of you could find the courage to talk about the words you exchanged. The aftermath had just been you just waking up alone in your room, him being in a better mood and the usual routine moving on like normal. Except...
He’d lean on you suddenly while you worked, push your hair back gently as you cooked, lingered at the door before having to go to work, just holding your hand.
And he’d stare at you. So intensely and so unlike the glares you’d been used to, his eyes were warm and full of something that made your heart beat stop whenever it happened again. Things were unnaturally tender.
Even as you tried to instigate some good old fashioned Yuri comebacks, there were no more playful, snide remarks, no complaining about your messes, none of the usual spats you had become so used to. Yuri was all soft glances, bashful blushes and submissive responses.
'Y-You know, I think I accidentally put too much spice in this curry, right? Y-You taste it too? Haha, s-sorry! I guess I got too carried away-'
'It’s okay. It’s still good. Thank you for the food.'
'….. nghh….'
It was like he had been replaced with someone else. Someone milder, more well-behaved and conscious of you.
It concerned you enough to talk to Yor about it. She beamed as you described his most recent behavior and told you with a grin that that was the Yuri she knew.
The one that was always a good, obedient boy, the one who loved to receive and give back affection.
In her eyes, though it had taken a while, he was finally getting over his shyness and wasn't hiding his love for you anymore! She jumped with joy and fluttered to make treats in celebration for you to take back to him. Despite her infectious positivity,
You are not so easily convinced.
After burying your crush and coming to accept your role as a platonic comrade, how could you? Yuri was more complicated than the little boy that Yor remembered.
But… there may be some truth in the comparison. If this was how he behaved for her… perhaps it meant that he was seeing you as something closer than you expected. Maybe Yuri has begun seeing you in the same light as a sibling.
I love you.
Your cheeks got warm and you felt a little flustered as you remembered his drunken words. You’d been too afraid to read too much into them, but it felt like you had cracked the code at last.
So that’s what it meant. He loves me a bit like Yor now.
You decide that you are proud of this achievement and ignore the unrequited pain still in your heart.
You accepted this.
You let his touches and hugs and lingering gazes continue with the bittersweet pang dulling more each day.
You even began to embrace this new role; started resting your hand with his on the sofa, smoothed his suit and hair out every morning, took his jacket off and gave him head pats when he returned home. All little things that followed in Yor’s footsteps, to keep things safe.
It messed him up, leaving him shaking, hiding his face, and having to leave suddenly to calm down in another room. This was a little dangerous, you realized.
Teasing him like this was too cute. And a little addicting...
One morning you pushed a bit too far and surprised him. You said he had something in his hair and when you made him lean down, you pressed a quick kiss on his forehead. He snapped. You only caught his face for a few precious seconds but it was completely flushed, with a trembling lip and eyes full of overwhelmed emotion. He retreated quickly behind the door and yelled out a goodbye without looking back.
He didn’t hate it. Was your takeaway as you rested your head against the door and laughed. He didn’t push me or yell at me.
This much is okay.
You clenched your hand over your chest and tried to breathe again.
How lucky you were to have such an amazing family now.
Meanwhile, Yuri was having less than familial thoughts as he rushed to work.
After a week of not getting a reaction out of you, you were finally reciprocating! He had started to get worried, but this had been his own confirmation that you still meant it!
You still loved him!
His heart swelled at the thought of his new relationship. He just wasn't experienced with being in one... How should they take the next big step? Should he be getting bolder..? Ugh. He’s been trying to work his way into creating the perfect situation for a casual kiss but… his nerves always got in the way…
He entered his work and immediately bee-lined to the bathroom, glowering at his reflection as he washed his face. He battled with his thoughts until he ultimately decided to shut off the sink with a sigh.
He should stop putting pressure on himself.
You were both fine.
He could be patient and wait until the perfect time to kiss you. It’s not like there was a deadline…
You both already lasted this long just being friends anyways. And you were married! Neither of you would be going anywhere.
He could wait.
You were both fine.
~
The Briar siblings believe you got kidnapped.
You weren’t.
You had just got distracted, trying to help an old lady find her son in the middle of the city. She had been standing outside your work as you got out after delivering a new batch of strips. She kept asking strangers for directions, but no one stopped. Normally, you wouldn’t have stepped up like this, too nervous to bring any more attention to yourself, but…
After everything that’s happened in your life, your confidence and sense of duty has grown. You approached her with a smile.
She was cautious of you at first, looking you over, but she accepted your assistance. She explained that her husband had recently passed away and she was supposed to go live with her son, but she didn’t know where he’d be. Her bills hadn’t been paid and she’s been cut off before she could figure it out. This area was where he used to live, but that was all she knew.
This was… an ordeal to say the least. You considered leaving her, too, finding a person with such little information in the middle of the city was impossible… but. She looked tired and like she had resigned herself to her fate, leaning hard on her bags and breathing hard. You grimaced at yourself and breathed in before beginning to walk around, asking businesses if they had ever heard of her son’s name before. To your surprise, one of them had. Her son had been a local musician that was beloved by the cafe owner. This didn’t seem to surprise the old lady, she brushed it off and asked where to go.
The business owner didn’t know, but he thought of someone who would. And then that person had someone else who might know. And so on and so forth.
Thus began a goose chase of following vague recollections, old lady in hand. Finally, you tracked down the apartment complex he used to reside in, and the manager held the information you had needed.
Her son was not actually INSIDE the city anymore, but in a smaller, rural town outside of it.
And the last of the buses would leave soon.
You rushed to get there in time, practically carrying all the old lady’s bags and herself as you begged the bus to stay open a little longer.
Dutifully, you even followed her inside, much to her concern. She tried telling you to get off but by then the doors were shut. You just smiled and reassured her that you wanted to make sure she was safe. You both paid your fare and went to sit at the back. You asked her if she even knew how she would find her son once she got to the town. She conceded that she didn’t know.
She kept quiet now, staring out the window. You also settled into the monotony and started thinking about how you would surely get home later than Yuri today.
You hoped you wouldn’t scare him… or Yor… ah- you remembered you had plans with her today. Your expression became troubled, thinking about the fun activities you missed out on, when your hand was unexpectedly grabbed. The old lady was not looking at you, but she gave you a sincere thanks.
She knew today had been a lot, and your kindness was something she felt she hadn't deserved. When you tried brushing it off, telling her that there was no shame in it, she stopped you and clarified that… that wasn’t what she meant. She sighed and began explaining her whole situation better.
Originally, she was going to move in with her son right after her husband's funeral, but he had recently married a girl she… hadn't approved of and she stubbornly decided to stay behind. She kept making excuses and refused to pick up any more of his calls to settle the move. It had actually been months since then, and a recent medical scare dried up her savings and made her realize that she truly could no longer take care of herself. She needed help… and…
She missed her son.
She teared up a bit, still not looking at you, but her grip got tighter. She thanked you again for coming with her, and for helping her so much. Truthfully, she wasn't even sure if he'd want her in his home anymore. Not after the things she had said…
You held her hand back and reassured her that it would be alright. Speaking a little from experience… if she apologized, you were sure her son would give her another chance. You smiled and continued to talk with confidence.
‘Meet them in the middle. Show that you care, and that you’re sorry. I’m sure he’s missed you too. There’s always a hole in the heart of an estranged child…’
She looked at you, surprised, but she warmed up for the first time in a while and showed a hint of a smile.
You were both lucky that when you reached the bus station, her son was already there waiting.
He had been called by one of the acquaintances you had grilled, and he had been there all day, hoping that his mom would find her way safely. Behind him was a woman that looked a little like you, and your heartbeat quickened as you realized why his mother had disapproved of her. And why she had been looking so guilty.
The old lady went to hug her son, and to his surprise, pulled his wife into it as well. The reunion was touching and bittersweet. You were in awe, watching it happen, stricken suddenly by the memory of your own mother and how much you missed her. When you were brought into the conversation, you brushed away your tears and smiled. You were glad you had done this. You were so happy to have helped.
Finally, the conversation died down and everyone had to go back home, the couple insisted on letting you stay the night over to have dinner with them. You shook your head and told them they had a lot to talk about, it wouldn’t be right to intrude. They conceded.
Everyone bid their farewells and walked their own ways. You were excited to tell Yuri all about what you’ve done! But as you looked at the bus schedule to go back to the city, you remembered, too late. Buses heading here had stopped for the day.
The next one wouldn’t be until morning...
Your sights immediately fell on the public telephone booth. You rushed to it, struggling to find enough change to use it. You barely had enough. You inputted the number for Yuri’s work and waited. And waited. And waited. After a long time without any noise, you looked down at the slot in confusion and realized too late. The phone cord was cut.
….. fuck.
~
You didn’t come to hang out with Yor like you had promised the day prior. Yor wondered what had happened. She went to tap on your door, but there was no answer. The only conclusion she could have was that you had gotten preoccupied with work. She was a little worried about your workload, but she resigned herself to a day spent alone… until later in the evening when Yuri knocked on her door.
He asked if you were inside and her face told him everything.
It’s late. You hate going out by yourself. Yor is your only friend.
Where else could you be???
There was only one explanation in both their minds, though they differed slightly.
It’s that organization that’s been taking young women. I knew I should have taken that case.
Someone found out about my personal life. They’re trying to get to me.
Anya, who was behind the two adults, stared wide eyed with concern. Has the danger finally caught up to sweet, innocent you?! Her worry was quickly cut off as the dark auras emanating from both siblings overwhelmed her.
I’m going to kill those pieces of shit.
I will find out who did this and break every bone.
Minds made up, Yor put on the mask of a concerned friend and suggested she help search for you. Yuri agreed and the two made plans to look through very specific, different sections of the city that would not make sense to anyone else.
Only Anya knew how ‘thorough’ their searches would actually be. She tried desperately to wriggle her way into following either of them, using her tears and love for you as a weapon. Yor insisted she should stay home, safe with Loid. Before Anya could protest further, she was picked up by Loid, and held as he assured Yor with a smile that he’d stay with her.
In his mind, he had already decided to call his organization, and was calculating what agents to send on your trail. He could not lose his babysitter, valued neighbor, and Yuri buffer.
Anya was silenced by the shock of his thorough calculations as he bid the duo a safe search and closed the door.
Everyone was trying to find lil old you, who was still sitting on the bus bench, doodling in the ground with a stick. You were deep in despair, regretting not taking up the family on their offer… when the most perplexing thing happened.
A sleek, black car drove up to you on the side of the road. An elegant woman with orange hair peeked out and spoke to you from inside.
‘Hello, sweetheart. Are you in dire need of a ride?’
You are now a firm believer in karma. You exploded into tears and desperately begged for her to take you back to the city. She laughed and let you in. You felt uneasy about being in a car with a stranger, but conversation bubbled naturally with her. You explained what had happened that led you there, and kept thanking the nice lady so profusely that it was frankly making her take more pity on you. She could tell you were a good girl.
She let you off with a pat on the back and a reminder to keep a good head on your shoulders. You can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself.
You agreed and got out, staying long enough to watch the car leave. You were so ready to sit on your couch, to eat some leftovers and watch a rerun. You sighed in relief and were about to practically skip to your apartment, when a hit to the head stopped you and made you fall to the ground.
Yuri had watched you get out of the car and ran, at first with concern… but after seeing you smiling at the person inside, it became fury. Thus, he tackled you. He picked you up from the shoulders like you were nothing and began shaking you, screaming about how worried you had made everyone, asking who you had been with, why you left without a note, and adamantly proclaiming that you would have to be punished for this. His anger was enough to make you start crying again.
Your watery sorrys made him stop his shaking, but not let go, he paused and blinked away his own tears, continuing instead with his barrage of insults for making him worry, swearing he would not make you breakfast tomorrow like he'd promised.
‘Yuri, stop! Y/N’s face is turning blue!!’
From the shadows came Yor, a pleading look on her face… and a concerning number of red splatters on her clothing.
Your eyes are zeroed in on them and you want to ask about it, but the two siblings are talking to each other about the situation. When Yor was caught up, she was the one to ask you to explain what had happened. When you finished telling them everything, Yor took you away from Yuri’s now relaxed grip and embraced you.
‘Oh, you sweet, sweet thing…’
‘You are so DUMB.’
‘Her heart was in the right place!’
Too tired to continue arguing, you stopped them and asked to go home now. Yor lets you go and wipes your face with a sleeve, still coddling you and holding your hand all the way to your apartment. Yuri lagged behind. As soon as you were inside, you ran to the couch and jumped face-first onto it. You groaned like the dead.
‘Home! Home! I missed you so much! I’m never helping anyone again!!!'
‘Good.’
The reply was so unexpected, you turned your head to look at Yuri. He still had his arms crossed, his back turned to you as he poured water into a glass.
‘You could’ve stopped helping that woman anytime. Why did you go so out of your way for her?? Have you lost your mind?! And to top it all off, what? She ended up being one of those… those close-minded idiots. It isn't like you to risk yourself like that!’
‘What do you mean?’
Yuri stopped himself for a bit. He didn’t want to be the one to say it, but. ‘You’re usually smarter than this! You know how biggoted strangers are. You’re uncomfortable every minute you’re outside and alone because of… how things have been with people like you right now. Why did you decide to play hero today?’
… you hid your face in the pillow again.
‘It’s stupid.’
‘You’re already stupid, stupid.’
‘Uuugh…’
You reached for another pillow and buried it on top of your head further, drowning him out as you confessed,
‘… I thought about you.’
‘…? Speak up, you’re muffled.’
Drowsiness was taking over, but it also loosened your lips a little.
‘I thought about… how good you are. How dutiful you would have been if you'd seen her struggling, too. And I wanted to be like you… to make you proud. To be a hero like you are.’
Yuri’s lack of an immediate response helped your drift into dreamland. It took a while for his gears to turn, but when they did, they were focused on one thing.
‘… you wanted to be like me?’
There was no response. Your breathing gave you away. Yuri stayed where he was for a while, staring, holding the glass of water and still thinking. Eventually, he set it down and picked you up to put you to bed. He’d never tell you about how he felt when he thought you’d been kidnapped. About how frantically he had asked a coworker for help. How he had been ready to sneak into work to get files on the most likely suspects, do things off the clock. Without proper procedure. He was so close to toeing the line of not being good. Being very selfish. He can’t sustain being like that. His job meant everything to him… or. It used to… damnit. Did he love you THAT much, to do something so ILLEGAL and DANGEROUS?
He can’t help the laughter that is stifled in his chest as he buries a hand over his face and sits on your bed. He’s tired and feeling foolish and manic at the same time.
He can’t have you ruining his thoughts again. That’s all you’ve been doing, ever since this mess started; make him overthink everything he held as his personal values... Some of them he had accepted, but to put you over the protocols of his work?
… that’s just… too dangerous for the both of you. He squeezed his knee and released a sigh. He needed to calm down. For that, he looked back down at you.
He focused on the fact that you’re here beside him. Asleep, mouth open. Looking incredibly childish… His heart squeezed as he suppressed a smile over his dumbass.
He’d take a picture if he could and embarrass you with it anytime you stepped out of line again.
The thought made him lose the will to hide the grin. An idea occurred to him that made him nervous again. He looked around himself shyly, feeling like he was about to do something more illegal than getting confidential documents. Since you worked him into such a frenzy today, a-and you WERE officially a couple… he deserves a little reward, right?
He lowered himself, shakily, shut his eyes… and retracted quickly as soon as his lips connected with the top of your head. Just a small kiss.
You stirred a bit, making him jump out of the bed, his defenses ready with an excuse, but
you stayed asleep.
With a smile on your face now.
You’re safe. You’re here. And he still gets to have little moments like these that make him feel so… happy.
He sighed in frustration and left your room in a hurry to get to his own bed.
The next morning, he made you breakfast, regardless.
~
Yuri has had an uptick on late night assignments again, so you unfortunately haven’t been able to see him as often… but you knew better than to ask him about it.
Instead, you continued to support him by making him lunch boxes, leaving leftovers in the fridge and doing all of the house chores to let him rest while he’s at home. Still, his workload got so bad, that you couldn’t even see him anymore. He had to resort to leaving you notes of thanks everyday to show that he valued your help. That softened some of the guilt you had for not being able to stay up late to see him come home like you used to.
Though it hurt.
Your comic strips are getting turned into a book, and you’ve had to work closely with the publishing company to get the order and style of it right.
Unbeknownst to you, a big, popular chain of bookstores has also been trying to ask your company if they'd like to have a partnership with the book sales. To have the author sit and sign copies for people who purchase it in a specific location. When they first proposed the idea, your company had been very against it; they did not want to remind people of your gender, and potentially worse, of your ethnicity. Still, the interested party pestered them with the offer and reassured them that the article that ‘exposed’ your identity had also made you infamous among your readers.
Ultimately, money won the argument.
You are blindsided as you were told a week before your book’s launch to prepare some ‘appropriate makeup and clothing’ for the event. They explained that you were gonna be seeing a lot of impressionable children and their parents. Since you were not someone ideal, the company urged you to at least do your best to look like a respectable female citizen for the girls that looked up to you.
You are back at Yor’s door asking for help.
She excitedly obliges, cooing over you for your success as she chooses your dress and make up again. She’s been an avid supporter of yours ever since the secret came out that you were a cartoonist. She had been so impressed over her talented best friend! You laughed as she pulled out clothing options. You remembered how much you hated dressing up but nowadays, with Yor, it felt like less of a pain. It was doable.
As she sat you down in front of the mirror, you instead started thinking about the event and felt the pit in your stomach grow. Seeing your worried expression, Yor asked you what was wrong. You confessed to her that you were a little afraid about who would be there. To you, it felt like your job breezed over your safety… you were sure there’d be a lot of disapproval, a protest… a riot?
Or your fans could possibly just… realize you weren’t someone they liked and leave.
Yor stopped what she was doing and looked at you. Your eyes darted away and you felt compelled to explain more. You know these are just what-ifs but you were… scared. Because time and time again, life has shown you that you were not someone society liked. And once your fans saw this for themselves… even when this wasn’t your idea, even if you would have preferred never to have done something like this, whatever bad that happened afterwards would be blamed on you.
Seeing the state you were in broke Yor’s heart. She asked you if Yuri would be taking time off to attend; after all, these were valid concerns and he was your HUSBAND! He should be there to support you! You couldn’t keep yourself from grimacing. You confessed that you… hadn’t had the time to tell him about it.
He’d been super busy and tired, and in his notes, he insisted that it would only be until the end of the month. What he was working on was imperative and could not be put off. Remembering how dangerous his work could be, you didn’t want to add to his plate. You felt like you had to do this alone, like you would’ve done in the past.
Yor noticed your sad tone, pulled up your hair into a beautiful bun and hummed softly. She remembered your past talks about your family, and she felt a pang as she thought about how lonely she used to feel, too. How she faced every problem alone, and how hard it had been on her. But… that shouldn’t be how either of you deal with things anymore! You were family! And family finds a way to stick together!!
She grabbed your shoulders, smiled, and reassured you that she would be attending to support you on her brother’s behalf! You blinked in surprise. She continued by clarifying that she was going to take Anya to the book signing anyways, they'd stick around for the whole thing and, if something did happen with your fans, they’d be there for you!
You teared up a little and laughed. You asked if she was sure she wanted to do this, you were worried that they might get bored or hurt, but Yor shook her head and insisted that you had nothing to worry about.
Things would be fine!
She continued to mess around with your appearance, instead, determined to help you look as trendy and beautiful as ever. She didn’t just want you to blend with society, she wanted you to stand out!
You felt very uneasy, but having someone on your corner softened you up. You were so grateful to have such a wonderful friend. Such a wonderful sister-in-law…
~
When the day came, you had to wake up early to go to work so that you could be driven to the bookstore. When your coworkers saw you, it was clear that Yor’s help had not been in vain.
The usual rude and pushy comments were missing as your boss complimented your appearance, you were given a cup of coffee without needing to ask, and your editor stammered through his directions of how the day will go. Just four hours of you signing books, your editor would time every interaction, and afterwards, you would come back to work to reconvene.
You nodded along, knowing this already, and another wave of anxiety over the lack of security lingered in the back of your mind. Your boss had nixed it, telling you that it would scare the children and ruin the ‘family friendly’ vibe. Your boss noticed your tension but didn’t say anything. For the first time in your entire time working there, he looked a little ashamed. It surprised you.
You were ushered quickly to the car with your editor. Once you were being driven to the store, the silence made you reflect on the shift in everyone’s behavior. You came to work dolled up and… it made that much of a difference? This made you feel…
Gross.
You hated that your appearance had that much of an effect on how you were treated. Your anger made you sigh and look out the window. Your editor jumped a little, but kept his head down. His usually uppity demeanor was replaced with one that was like a nervous schoolboy. You laughed internally.
When the car stopped, your nerves came back and your hands shook. Your editor told you to wait while he opened your door. When you stepped outside you steeled your expectations but you were first greeted with-
Cheers. The sound of kids cheering excitedly for you.
Your heartbeat raced as you took in the joyous crowd, your eyes landing at the front of the line. At Yor and Anya, holding a massive bouquet of flowers, waving with glee.
You teared up and waved, stuttering as you thanked everyone for coming. You felt breathless as you were ushered into the store, with your cheeks warm and chest hammering. You were sat in a cute seat with posters of your characters and book stands around your table. In a flash, your editor called for the door to be opened. Your day began.
~
Another hard day of keeping his country safe.
Yuri let out a long, tired breath as he got out of his superior’s office with new intel. His workday was far from over, but he was already feeling the fatigue that came from being held for long hours and without breaks.
To be fair, it had been a successful month. A new lead with one of the kidnappers had kicked everyone into overdrive, squashing other hideouts for a renegade group of government-traitors.
Now with the month nearly done, they had almost wiped the whole organization off with only a few known stragglers left. It cheered Yuri up to know that he was doing good, and soon enough, it would be rewarded with more time to spend with his… beloved wife….
Augh, his thoughts were getting corny.
He blushed to himself and went to get a coffee from the break room. His usual comic-reading companion was absent again… Yuri lamented not getting to see him lately to catch up on the latest strips when another coworker caught him and called out.
‘Oh hey! I didn’t expect to see you here! I thought for sure you’d be in the book-signing too!’
Yuri glanced at the woman, the receptionist who had only recently begun to chat with Yuri and his coworker.
‘Book-signing? Why would I?’
The assistant’s eyes widened and she pushed her round glasses back up.
‘O-Oh? Y-Your wife’s book signing! Your friend pulled all the strings so he could to go with his daughter today! I thought you would too..?’
Yuri’s aura immediately changed to the same dangerous one he used for interrogations. The poor woman squeaked and took a step back, hiding behind her mug. He moved slowly towards her.
‘I’m going to need you to explain a few things to me, Mrs. Silva…’
~
The event would only last until 4 in the afternoon, but already, your hand was starting to cramp up because of how above and beyond you were going for your little fans…
Somewhat as you had feared, there had been a few people in line that would take one look at you and leave, but the long line only seemed to duplicate with time despite them, and your fans that stayed were incredibly welcoming.
For each one, you would quickly try to sketch them in your style along with your signature, making them squeal and, on a few occasions, cry.
Even with the pain, you didn’t stop.
True to her word, Yor and Anya settled in a corner of the bookstore that was still within view, lounging on the chairs provided that allowed patrons to read. Anya was excitedly pointing out her favorite scenes to a friend of hers who had also come, a pretty girl with a pair of bodyguards. You wondered if your little brothers made friends as protected as Anya, or if it was just a testament of the school she was going to… Your attention was taken back by a fan that handed you a tiny, handmade book.
A lot of thoughtful kids had come today with handmade gifts; cookies, flowers, and their own drawings to share with you. But this pair of girls had come with their own comic? You took them in, surprised that they had taken the time to even dress up as the characters of your little girl and her imaginary friend. The costumes were amateurly made; just scraps of cloth glued together with accessories, but the girls wore them with pride and excitement.
Your awe was evident as you gasped, and their little hearts swelled with happiness. They showed it off as they excitedly talked about how they made it themselves, with only a LITTLE help from their parents!
The one dressed up as the imaginary friend had a little more polish in her costume, and she mostly talked about how hard it was to find accessories with her mom while the girl that was dressed as your main character interrupted to nudge her dad into the conversation and talk about how he helped her sew things up.
It was then that you took a good look at the man who had come with them. He was a familiar face that made your body tremble a little, remembering the day you’d gotten into danger.
It was Yuri’s coworker.
You looked away defensively as you signed the girl’s copies of the books, but when you looked back up, he smiled warmly at you, calming your nerves, and you found yourself smiling back.
His daughter was still talking about how they both had to learn together how to sew for the little stars in her dress when he cut in.
‘Camila, you should talk about your comic before your time is up! I’m sorry, these girls have been working really hard to give this to you.’
You reassured him it was okay and looked down at the girls. They were suddenly back to looking bashful as they approached you and motioned at the booklet.
‘Ah… y-eah… it’s not much…’
‘We’ve just been k-kinda making our own version of what the imaginary friend’s world was like- um.’
‘A-And we thought it’d be fun to imagine how it would be if the family got trapped there i-instead…’
Your mouth hung open for a split second before moving up into a big grin. You gently picked the book from their hands and flipped through the pages, impressed by the colors and designs. The strip boxes were uneven, there was some out-of-line coloring, but the love behind it made your eyes well up. You got up from your table and kneeled down next to them.
‘Girls, this is… I can’t even put it to words! This is so amazing!! The costumes and the book!’
You laughed and wiped at your face.
'You girls are so creative!!'
Your manager was trying to get your attention to tell you that the five minutes had been over, but you disregarded him as you opened your arms and both girls eagerly jumped at the chance to hug you.
‘You’ve made me so happy today! Thank you so much for reading my work!!’
Both girls cheered until Camila’s dad pulled them away and apologized to your manager for taking up so much time. You got up and wiped your eyes some more, waving at them as they waved back and kept yelling out compliments even as Camila’s dad picked them up to each of his shoulders and walked away.
Your gently put the book away and checked that your make up was good enough to keep going. To your relief, it was. You turned back around and greeted the next nervous fan with renewed vigor. You were going to finish this strong and make it memorable for everyone as a thank you for their support. For the fans!!
~
‘East 22th Street…. East 22th Street…’
Yuri repeated the street of the bookstore. He cursed the location being so far away from work; there was no way he was getting back before his lunch ended but he couldn’t think about that right now. He had to at least catch the end of your special event. He had to go and get a book. He had to congratulate you. He had to SCOLD YOU FOR KEEPING IT FROM HIM.
HE WAS SO ANGRY AT YOU!!
He unbuttoned the top of his shirt and loosened his tie as he panted, having reached the correct street. He was so out of breath that he considered stopping to catch it, but he assumed he could do that while waiting in line to get to you. He prayed that the crowd would be smaller by now so he could yell at you sooner. He reached the bookstore at last, and turned the knob.
~
The signing was almost over. You turned to look again at Yor and Anya. The pink haired girl was sound asleep in the couch with her head in Yor’s lap. Yor noticed your gaze and looked up from her book, waving reassuringly. You felt so much love for her and her family, for all their help and affection. You were definitely going to treat them to something, you decided.
'FINALLY, IT’S OUR TURN!'
'HEY, Y/N!!'
You jumped as you saw your siblings clamoring over to you with a book shared between the two. Your tired cheeks hurt now too, but you beared with it as you grinned at seeing them. You hadn’t expected this.
'Hey, twerps! How’d you find out about this?'
'Mom read about it on the paper!'
You blinked and suddenly realized that there had been a person still hovering back, looking unsure.
Your mother.
'Oh… hi.' Was all you could really get out. This was going to get awkward. You glanced at your editor but he had long checked out, sitting with a book pulled out as his timer continued to tick.
Your mother stepped forward and coughed softly, the same strained smile you knew from your childhood, saved in cases where she felt forced to pretend things were okay. Your heart immediately hardened.
'I was so surprised to read about this… uh… successful book you have! Who knew that you were an artist all along?'
'Hmm…' You humored her with just a noise as you took the book from your brothers and began doodling them. They were excitedly watching you, praising your penmanship, innocent to the tension.
'Y/N… I…'
You handed the book back to the boys and asked them if they were really caught up on your comic. They looked sheepish as they admitted that they were behind but they were adamant that they would get around to it! You laughed and pet their heads, knowing that reading wasn’t their preferred past time. But their support still meant everything.
'Darling…'
Finally, you looked at your mom and the expression on your face made her flinch. She clutched her bag and took in a breath. Her smile was gone and she was looking at the floor now. Your interest was piqued.
'I’m… so happy for you, Y/N.' You stared at her with your face blank. She gave a small, genuine smile and finally met your eyes again.
'I was always worried about how your future would be… I know I haven’t been a good mother to you… not since…'
'Since you married a pig?'
She flinched again and took a deep breath, choosing to ignore your insult to her husband. The twins looked at you with wide eyes and it was the only thing that made you regret what you said. Your mom continued.
'I understand, I haven’t been there for you. I just wanted to clear the air first and say, I am sor-'
Before she could finish, a figure cut through the line.
And all hell broke loose.
Time slowed down as a slur you knew too well was flung at not just you, but at your mom and brothers.
'Ever since that law was passed I feel like I can’t walk three paces without seeing one of you loitering in public, and there’s a bunch of you right here?'
A big man walked up to your booth, forgoing the line. He looked rough, angry and built. Your body swirled with anticipation.
“Sir, you have to get in line if you want a book.” You tried to warn him, and eyed your editor, who didn’t appear to look up from his reading.
The man ignored your question and took one look at the display you sat in. He huffed. 'They’re even letting you make books now? This country is really going downhill.'
To your relief, the alarm decided time was up and finally, the editor put his book down. You looked at him and he sensed the panic in your face instantly. He got up and tried to keep the stranger away.
'Hey now, if you want your turn you have to wait-'
'You think I want to pay to see her? No, no one should be giving that wench any money. What’s she even here for? You mean to tell me she’s married?'
The editor finally felt the hostility in the man and moved to push him away, only to get pushed back harder. He fell on your book stand and the leftover fans clung to each other, moving to the side.
Your stomach dropped as you saw him coming at you.
‘Someone needs to teach everyone else how to put you in your place. I’ll drag you out of here by the hairs if I have to.”
You thought about your mother and your siblings stuck like deer in headlights. You had to act. You picked up a book and chucked it at him, hitting him in the face as you got out of your seat and went to pull them back behind you.
'UGH, you’re going to pay for that you cunt!'
You could see Yor behind him, also rushing towards you, going so fast it almost made you want to keep your eyes on her, but the sound of your mother’s scream brought your senses back to the danger.
To the man being pummeled in the face by a red-faced, sweating, disarrayed Yuri. The small crowd backed away as he pinned the man down and shouted at him to shut the FUCK up.
'NOBODY TALKS TO MY WIFE THAT WAY!'
~
Needless to say the event ended after that. You apologized profusely to the fans that had been left over, quickly signing as many of their books as you could before they had to all be pushed out by the staff.
Your little brothers stared, slackjawed, at Yuri as he helped hand over the perpetrator to the police. The man got a limp and the whole right side of his face was swelled shut.
'He came out of nowhere…'
'L-Like a hero...'
You smiled as you hoped their conflict with Yuri may have resolved itself. You always hoped they would get along. Your mom held both their hands and breathed out heavily in relief now that the danger had passed. She kept glancing between Yuri and you, eventually settling on just you.
'We should go… but… before that…'
She moved closer and whispered.
'You chose a damn good husband. I’m so proud of you.'
She blushed as she said this, looking at the floor. Then she stumbled out with your brothers still protesting, wanting to talk to Yuri.
You felt conflicted as you watched her go. You were relieved, tired… sad. You wish she had maybe said something different before she left. It felt like, in the end, the only accomplishment she could really be proud of was your choice in men. You felt angry, but the resentment left your body as soon as you felt a hand on your shoulder.
You turned around and saw Yuri, in all his furious glory.
'So you were just not gonna tell me about your milestone in your career? Does your husband matter that little to you!?'
You cracked a smile as the relief of having been saved washed over you so hard you laughed. You were in big trouble, but you didn’t care. You hugged him and his demeanor quickly changed from angry to flustered.
'W-What are you-?'
He stopped himself as you squeezed him and he got to feel your heartbeat. Shit, you had been scared, weren’t you? He held you back and whispered. 'He didn’t get to hurt you, right? I just came in, saw everyone looking at him… and him charging at you and I…
He stopped and clung to you a little harder.
You nodded and reassured him while patting his back. 'You got to him just in time. I’m… sorry for not telling you.'
Yuri sighed and rested his chin on your head. 'Even if I was busy… I would’ve come. I mean, look at me.' He pulled away and you got to see the state he was in. Shirt untucked, crumpled, unbuttoned. Hair messed up and slick with sweat, His tie was missing and he was still flushed and out of breath. He looked a mess. You held in another laugh and he felt his nerves tingle because while you were staring at him… he also stared at you.
You were so dolled up, pretty, and professional looking. He had seen you like this before but… this felt different. This was after he loved you. And here he was looking like shit. He felt so embarrassed, he growled at himself and hid his face in his hands, red as a beet.
'I ran as fast as I could, okay? God fucking damn, did it have to be the bookstore on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CITY?'
You laughed harder and leaned your body weight on him as you buried your face in his chest, the both of you swaying. You could barely let out a sentence.
‘I... didn’t get…. to choose the bookstore!”
He wrapped an arm around your back, exasperated. 'Yeah yeah, laugh it all off. You are SO loved and for WHAT? Idiot…'
You shook as you finally controlled yourself enough to be able to breathe again. Your hazy thoughts returned to your mom’s words that were stuck in your head. You repeated them to yourself. 'I chose a damn good husband, huh?'
Yuri blushed, his lips shaking as he fought off a grin. '… Yeah?'
You looked up at him and nodded, beaming.
His will broke and he smiled now too, gazes stuck on each other until something else caught his attention and you felt his body still in your arms.
Huh?
You watched as his face dropped, then twisted in panic. He let go of you, leaving you stumbling and turning as he rushed to the back of the book store and suddenly-
You remembered your place.
~
From afar, Yor had been watching with stars in her eyes. Holding the still-sleepy Anya, she had bore witness to the cute scene of her brother protecting and hugging his wife but now, he came running to her instead?
Yor’s expression became confused as he began his usual flittering of concern towards her. She was okay! She assured him… and her eyes went back to you. You just looked at them, smiling… but it also looked… so sad.
At that point, your editor had finished talking to the police about the incident and carefully went to tap on your shoulder so you could go back to work. Yor wanted to call out, to keep you longer, it felt wrong to just let you go… but the look she had seen on your face kept the words stuck on her throat.
'There she goes…' She whispered instead.
'What?' Yuri’s eyes widened and he turned just in time to see your back leaving the store.
Yor clung to Anya and sighed as soon as you were out of sight. It woke the girl up from her deep nap.
‘I ended up not doing a good job of protecting her...’
Anya rubbed her eyes, barely able to register that something had not gone right by the thought in her mom’s mind. She tried looking around to figure out what had happened when suddenly, an influx of angry thoughts avalanched from an unexpected source.
She turned to her ‘uncle’, distraught, gripping his hands tight with his mouth pulled taught over his teeth.
She just left? I did all that and she didn’t even say goodbye!! The nerve of that girl!! Weren’t we having a- a moment?? She’s been so confusing these days...
Anya blinked. When had he gotten here?
Yor’s voice cut through the fog of negativity.
'Well, we’ve been out long enough. We need to go and get something to eat.'
She looked towards her brother and asked, 'Will you be returning to work?'
Yuri released a breath and his shoulders relaxed, though his eyes stayed glued to the door.
'I just ran out of the office… I need to go back and apologize.' Yuri felt concern as it occurred to him, again. He had put you above his duty. This… shouldn’t be normal.
Yor’s smile returned and she pressed a hand against his back.
'I’m sure it meant a lot to her that you came to see her.'
Yuri looked at Yor, wanting to speak, but his conscience weighed heavy on him as he took her in.
He hadn’t expected her to be here. To witness him doing that for another woman. For her to ever console him about someone else.
Yor was his sister. The person who raised him; the only one who was always there for him, unconditionally, his entire life. He had promised himself to pay her back with his life; to stay devoted to her for everything she did to raise him. He had believed that she would stay his only priority, but since he’d fallen in love, it felt… like he was cheating those ideals.
He hadn’t even noticed her in the shop until after he had gone so far to comfort you.
He felt so guilty.
Yor misread his expression and continued to console him as she put Anya down.
'She probably had to rush to work after the police took so long to get here… poor dear… I’m sure she would have come to say goodbye if she could, but, well… we both know how her work treats her…'
She pressed a hand against her cheek as she recounted the stories you had confessed to her as she did your make up.
She whispered, 'I hope this doesn’t get twisted to reflect poorly on her…'
Yuri narrowed his eyes and looked at the floor, concern for you flaring back up against his panic over his priorities. They better not start anything over this. You were a legal, married citizen. You were just doing your job. He was spiraling when Yor’s voice continued to distract his thoughts.
'Still, I am so proud of you both. She’s come such a long way from how she used to be, hasn’t she? Being able to face the public, to open up and greet her fans. Even throwing books at assailants. Hah! And you… I don’t know when I’ve ever seen you this happy.' Yor’s smile was genuine and radiating. 'I’m so glad you found each other.'
It hurt.
Yor reached for Anya’s hand and pressed a hat on her head before turning to pat his back one last time.
'You make a great husband, Yuri.' She cheered.
She walked away, but Anya lagged behind as she craned her neck to look at the confusing, childish and depressed adult they were leaving behind.
Do I..?
Anya narrowed her eyes and walked through the door, following Yor’s steps as she became free from his influence.
Not at all! She decided.
~
He got home late as punishment for leaving so abruptly and for so long. His boss had given him a scolding but, being his favorite dog, he was ultimately lenient. THIS time. Yuri had been giving him the results he needed, but if this ever happened again, there would be worse consequences. Yuri was relieved that he only had to work long hours for a little longer and things would be back to normal soon.
The way home was spent with him reminiscing over your weird exit. He wanted to feel angry at your rudeness, for leaving him while he checked on his sister, but... he was honestly too tired for that. And, Yor had a point. You were constantly on thin ice with your work. He was sure your strings were pulled so that you had to leave fast.
Yor…
As he walked up the stairs and saw your shared apartment door, his gaze flickered to his sister’s.
Yor had seen the way he saved you. She had even gushed about it. She was so PROUD of him becoming a good husband. But… has he been a good brother?
How long had it been since he had thought about her? He could see her as much as he wanted now but he hadn’t taken advantage of it like he had planned. Instead, all his time had been spent helping you. Talking to you. Hanging out with you. Thinking of…
You.
Like it or not, he has completely changed.
With a heavy heart, he stepped inside your shared apartment. He was prepared for just another quick sleep to recharge, but was surprised by the smell of something baking. You were awake? Had you stayed up for him again?
His heart raced as he took his coat off and walked over to the kitchen. Despite the sea of conflicted emotions he still had, he wanted nothing more than to see your face. He walked in just in time to see you messily biting into a sweet smelling bread covered in sugar and cinnamon. You looked like a dork.
He almost smiled as you looked up but his lips froze and he studied your eyes. He felt… something off about your expression.
'Ah, looks like I was caught! Sorry, I waited for as long as I could but… it’s hard to guess when you’re coming home.' Your tone sounded wrong, too. Yuri frowned and sat down next to you, instantly interrogating.
'Are you okay? Was work hard on you for what happened? It wasn’t your fault at all! How come there wasn’t any sort of security at such an open-'
'No, it was okay! They didn’t scold me or anything. They just kind of… apologized.'
'Huh..?'
You laughed but it didn’t reach your eyes. You raised a cup of tea to your lips and blew.
'I don’t know. Something about seeing me in a dress made them more chivalrous, I guess.'
Yuri fumed hearing this and crushed the bread he had picked up. His emotions flared up.
'They were OGLING you??'
You scratched your neck and set your cup back down after taking a long sip.
'Yeah… safe to say I don’t want to do that again…' You considered your future and took back the sentiment. 'Not unless it’s for another book signing event…'
Yuri ate his pastry quickly as he studied your face. He was still angry over your coworkers making eyes at you… a married woman! HIS married woman! But... You looked like you had really enjoyed the day. He relaxed a little, but still held a pout.
'… The event was ultimately good then? In the end?'
You paused, considering how to respond, turned to face him and nodded softly.
'Yeah… it was good.'
He sighed and put his jealousy aside.
'Then I’m glad for you.' Yuri reached over to pet you but you turned your head and ducked out before he could. Huh?
'Thank you… now come on, we should be going to bed. I mean, I have tomorrow off, but you… you still have work, don’t you?'
Yuri let his hand drop and looked at you with furrowed brows. What was that? You weren’t going to mention anything at all? Something’s been going on with your attitude today...
'Yuri? It’s late you know.'
… he narrowed his eyes and got up from his seat. He wouldn’t say anything today.
'Yeah, I work tomorrow. But I’m going to be able to spend more time with you next week…'
You looked a little surprised, that normalcy would be back so soon, but you waved it away with a smile. It also didn’t reach your eyes.
'I can’t wait, then!'
Yuri’s heart squeezed and he left without another word.
~
Rumors of Yuri leaving work early spread around the office. Now it had been 2 days later, and he had really become their favorite pet to pick on. Yuri was NOT in any mood to entertain. He was haggard and on his last rope, feeling the weight of his concerns weighing every step he took. He did his best to ignore everyone trying to talk to him about how his wife’s event went, but it became impossible once the Friday paper was spread through out the break room.
Laughter broke through as people got to read all about the passionate husband who stopped an assault on his wife, the beloved up-and-coming children’s comic artist.
Yuri could only bite his tongue and seethe as certain coworkers became more endeared with their young member.
'So he’s like a guard dog on-and-off duty!'
'Way to go, stopping people who disrespect our laws, Yuri! Your wife got her citizenship fair and square!'
Yuri breathed loudly as he opened his locker.
He hated the attention. And he hated the narrative that was being spread. “Yuri, the junior officer who redeemed his creepy habits and has become a devoted husband.” It was a backhanded insult… and was giving him too much credit.
You haven’t reached out with a sticky note in days. He thought, again, about the face you made that night. How you avoided his touch. Had he made you mad? Why? How? He hadn’t done anything wrong! Why didn’t you talk to him about it? Why was he stuck having to guess what had made you start avoiding him? He already had plenty to worry about. His work, his nation, his boss, your work, your family, Yor’s family, his relationship with his sister… What pushed you to become like this?
It all started when you had left him behind at the book shop…
While he was with Yor.
He faltered as he was unbuttoning his uniform jacket. He felt a pit in his stomach as he was finally face to face with the problem he had avoided for so long.
His one-track mindedness. His stubbornness. His obsession.
He cringed and held his clothes to his face to bury his head into. His reputation.
He was so happy that he had fallen in love, but he completely neglected how things would actually play out with his sister.
And now he was feeling like shit.
He began to list his flaws in his head.
A good husband wouldn’t have started the marriage out of some convoluted convenience. Wouldn’t headbutt their wife when he felt overwhelmed with emotions. Wouldn’t bicker, wouldn’t insult, wouldn’t make his wife worry about his safety.
A good husband would be a clean slate. Someone willing to cherish and devote himself to his wife without guilt or prior responsibilities holding him back.
It’d be without putting his country over her safety. His job over her happiness. His sister over her.
As he put up his clothes, his eyes focused on the pictures of Yor he had plastered all over his locker.
He had covered it with as many as he could get his hands on to motivate him throughout the day. To remind him who he was fighting for. But.. he hardly looked at them anymore.
He was always trying to get home fast to you.
His hands shook as he closed it. He went to clock out.
Mrs. Silva was at the desk and could not look him in the eyes, pretending to stack papers together instead. He felt a twinge of guilt over how hard he had grilled her yesterday. He signed the paper quickly and left.
As he walked out, he was stopped by none other than his comic-reading buddy.
'Yuri! Just who I wanted to see! I know it’s late, but how about we go get some dinner? My treat!'
~
The man was as boisterous as ever, but Yuri didn’t seem to mind. He never overstepped, and he had been supportive of you from the get-go. He was a good guy.
He was recounting how he had helped his daughter make a costume for your book signing, and how she was over the stars when she finally got to meet you.
'When I met her during that retrieval mission, I knew she wouldn’t disappoint my daughter’s image of her. And I was right. She was so polite and kind. She’s really good with children, huh, Yuri? Say, when are you two…? Huh?'
Yuri’s tired eyes were on his meal but he couldn’t focus. He had listened to his coworker’s words, but it was like he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything at the moment. The older man looked at him, concerned.
'What’s on your mind? You haven’t said a word since I invited you out.'
Yuri weighed his options as he considered lying… but. He supposed, if he could ask anyone any questions about being a married man… he was someone who’s opinion he could trust. Yuri sighed and placed a hand on the back of his neck.
'… I’m afraid I haven’t been a proper husband to my wife.'
The man’s eyebrows rose. 'Proper...? How so?'
Yuri looked uncomfortable and tried to formulate his thoughts in a way that wouldn’t make him look more pathetic.
'I… have never been in a relationship as deep as my wife and… it feels like… I either stay the same and risk her well-being with my other priorities… or I change things that were fundamental to me… for good.'
He shuffled as he considered how traitorous his next sentence would sound. He took another deep breath in and nevertheless, asked.
'How… do you balance work with your family?'
His coworker’s eyes narrowed as he understood what Yuri was insinuating. It made Yuri sweat, but the voice that came out was gentle and firm.
'Yuri, I would do anything for my family. It’s… hard, I will admit, to balance the two but. The reason I’m looking after my country is for their sakes, isn’t it? To protect their smiles, my Camila’s future.'
Yuri nodded, that was how he had felt with Yor. That was how love was supposed to be then, right? If he would go so far for Yor… why shouldn’t that include you, too? Still…
Quieter, Yuri asked.
'… and … how do you go about separating your priorities in family and... love?'
The big man blinked and gazed at Yuri for a few seconds, understanding flooding in his mind. Yuri, the boy with the over-attachment towards his sister. He already got married and he hasn’t worked that out yet? His wife must be more of a saint than he had given her credit for.
He laughed. 'You know, before I found my wife, my mom was the most important person in my life. My dad was always too cold, too critical, but she always stood up for me. Always paid for anything I needed, never judged me. But then, she got sick...'
Yuri’s eyes shone with familiarity. He looked at his coworker now, finally, full attention on him. He continued.
'I didn’t date seriously. I couldn’t really focus on anyone other than her and her health. My dad didn’t help, and it felt like it was only ever just going to be me and her in my childhood home. But then, my wife and I bumped into each other during a check up. And… we just couldn’t stop meeting.'
He sighed and smiled as he twirled a fork.
'I felt so guilty for going on dates while my mom was in bed-rest, but… she kept telling me to go. She kept pushing me towards her. Because she wanted me to be happy. She wanted to see me make my own family… before...'
Yuri’s heart twisted in pain, an expression that didn’t go unnoticed. The big man reached over and patted his shoulder. 'She was in our wedding. She loved my wife. And she managed to stick around long enough to see her granddaughter, too.' He blinked back the beginnings of tears and cleared his throat. Then, he leaned in closer, his words warm and comforting.
'Look, Yuri. Your sister is married isn’t she? She has a family already looking out for her. She’s got all the help she could need, and if not, she can always call you for a little more, right? I’m not saying you have to stop loving her, she is still your sister, but you have to think about your own future, too. Your own family. I’m sure she wants you to have one, too.'
Yuri thought about how true that was. His eyes glazed over as he was trying to fight back tears. It felt like he was letting go of her, it felt wrong and sacrilegious but… it wasn’t. This was natural, wasn’t it? It hurt but he knew,
He loved you.
He loved you so much.
And he is allowed to.
His coworker started patting his shoulder again, consoling.
'There there. You are young. I know you’re still figuring things out… but you are also very lucky. You have something good, you know? A really good wife. Don’t make her worry, don’t take her for granted, and you have to put effort into showing that she is as important to you as you are to her. Or else…'
His hand stopped moving suddenly, placed at the base of Yuri’s neck and his voice dropped an octave.
'I do have an unmarried brother-in-law, you know.'
The threat was light but something in his eyes was serious. Yuri froze as his veins turned into ice. The audacity of him to threaten taking you away. He glared at his coworker and, for the first time, sized him up. He was experienced, bigger, stronger. There was no way to beat him in a fair fight, but if push came to shove-
The man released another loud laugh and shoved Yuri, playfully.
'Woah, a genuine killer look from you! Look at that! And all because I was trying to give you a little push?'
His tone became serious again, but lost its edge.
'Seems to me like you love her a lot if you want to keep her to the point of fighting me.'
Yuri’s hackles lowered just a bit as his face slightly flushed from embarrassment at being read so easily. He huffed like a kid.
'Joking about taking someone’s wife isn’t wise.'
'We both know it wasn’t a joke. But it doesn’t matter anyways, right? Because you’ll take this lesson to heart and appreciate your wife?'
'Tch.'
Yuri hated the man in front of him, scolded himself for ever letting his guard drop around him. But… he had to give him credit.
The talk was very helpful.
The night breeze kicked in and made both men get up from their chairs, tucking them in to leave.
Before they separated, Yuri managed to keep his manners and muttered.
'Thanks, Monroe.'
He got a thumbs up in return.
~
You folded your laundry and looked out the open window at the clear autumn sky. It was another nice day. The sun was bright, falling leaves rustled and the sound of passerbyers were a nice, low hum.
You took a deep breath and tried to smile, but... It still didn’t feel right.
You finished the fold and buried your head in the soft sweater, groaning.
Today, Yuri would be back to coming home at regular hours. Today, you had to face him again after avoiding him ever since the book signing event.
You messed up some of your laundry work as you laid on your back and rolled around, whining, face still buried in your sweater. Why, why, why?
Everything had been going so well! Everyone was so supportive! Yor took the time to stay with you all day! And Yuri had rushed over to see you, been the hero that you always wished you had, been so affectionate and congratulatory and… and then…
You got jealous? Just because he went to check up on his sister? That wasn’t even creepy, it was something normal siblings do!
You sounded so pathetic to yourself, but the truth of it was. Even if he had rushed over to be with her instead of you, this wasn’t anything new.
You always knew.
Always knew your place would be second to her.
It was unreasonable to expect change just because he had finally come around to accepting you more… and it didn’t mean he cared any less! He still did… so much for you. He still said he loved you… but…
It wasn’t enough.
You got up and caterwauled at your stupid entitlement. The gall of you to want more after Yuri gave up his freedom to marry you. To keep you here.
You finally pulled yourself back up and looked around at the mess you made, feeling nothing about it. You just focused on the pit in your stomach getting heavier the closer it got to him coming home.
Your hands mechanically returned to refolding. You were going to greet him with dinner already made. You were going to smile. If he asked, you would apologize for avoiding him these last few days. Come up with an excuse that you thought he needed space with how tired he’s been. You’d bear anything he threw your way. Be it insults or affection. You had to.
It’s your job to control your emotions. Not his.
You had to keep smothering your expectations for anything more than platonic, or else…
Or else you had to leave.
~
Yuri shifted as he braced himself to open the door. He was excited, nervous, and scared, a cocktail that made his cheeks red and his stomach churn in a way that made him want to throw up.
His hand shook but he couldn’t seem to reach for the doorknob. He knew that you were waiting on the other side.
After the big talk with Monroe, Yuri had done a lot of retrospection and planning in order to get you to feel loved.
He wanted to shower you with attention; wanted a tsunami to come hit you directly and drown you in so much warmth that you’d never ever consider leaving him for anyone else like whoever the hell Monroe’s brother-in-law was.
It still pissed him off how he sneakily has been waiting, wanting to snatch you away the moment Yuri messed up.
And speaking of coworkers. He always hated yours for the way they treated you, but now they also had the nerve to be making eyes at you? Knowing you were TAKEN? He knew them all by name and could pull up so much shit to get them demoted once and for all. Fired. Never allowed in the building again. It’d be for the better. Maybe once every shitty man left the office, you’d get people that actually valued you. People who knew how to behave and knew better to keep their hands to themselves-
He could feel the knob turning under his hand, and it snapped him out of his jealous fantasy. Shit, he still wasn’t mentally ready-
The door opened and there you were, surprised to see him standing there-
With a bouquet of roses.
'O-Oh, um… Yuri?' You didn’t know what to say first, your heart racing as you looked at the flowers and at his flushed, embarrassed face. 'How long… have you been standing there?'
Yuri trembled, unable to escape your eyes with his feet rooted deeply in place. He tried to respond, but his voice cracked and he had to cough. Finally, he timidly moved the bouquet over to you and handed it over.
'… got these…'
You blinked, still finding this unbelievable and you just held them, looking back and forth between them and him.
'… for me?'
Such a stupid question, but he was too stupid too to say anything about it.
'… I never got to congratulate you… and…'
And there was more. More he wanted to say with them, more he wanted to get through to you, but his sentence died down when you both heard a gasp from behind.
Yor was standing, multiple grocery bags in hands as she covered her mouth and took in the scene.
FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!
Both of you internally screamed the same curse as the worst person possible had to show up.
Sensing something off, Yor misread your expressions for shame at being caught in such an intimate moment, and quickly apologized.
'AH! SORRY! I WAS NEVER HERE! I’M GONE! GOODBYE!!'
She sprinted to her door, turning around to give one last peek before shutting it and locking it behind her.
Time was still frozen as the moment felt like it had passed. You looked at Yuri and saw his panicked expression. Like a husband getting caught with a mistress.
Remember your place.
Yuri worried as he turned and saw you looking back at him. You were trying to read each other’s emotions but as soon as your eyes met, your expression became guarded again and you were the first to break the spell.
Your fake smile was plastered back on as you stepped aside.
'Thank you for the flowers… now are you going to come in? The food is getting cold… and it’s your favorite…'
Yuri’s instincts blared like a siren. No no no, wrong wrong WRONG! This wasn’t how it was supposed to go!!!
Yuri stumbled inside and tried reaching out for you, but you were too preoccupied with trying to find things to do so your mind would stop thinking about your pettiness.
'Ah- I should probably put these in a vase…' You turned and raced out of there, to the kitchen, leaving Yuri looking like a fish, mouthing apologies and explanations that he couldn’t actually say.
You pulled out a glass vase from the very back of your cupboard and a knife from the block you kept them in. You got to work with preparing the flower stems.
As you did so, an unwanted memory flickered of the day you met Yuri. And the giant bouquet of roses he had brought for Yor that day. Dark aura spilled from you at the realization.
Was he seriously reusing gift ideas he used on his SISTER? Anger took over.
From across the room, Yuri had finally put up his jacket and taken his tie off. He was trying to figure out how to salvage the mood when he heard your chopping becoming steadily more aggressive.
CHOP. CHOP. CHOP. CHOP.
Wasn’t that too many?
He turned around and the expression you were making was one he’d never seen before. His gut twisted again. He darted towards you and saw the newly minced flowers on the cutting board. He screamed.
'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? STOP!'
'I’M JUST PREPARING THEM FOR THE VASE, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO CHOP THE STEMS AT AN ANGLE.'
'WHAT STEM? THERE’S NOTHING LEFT!!'
He took your hands and you both struggled as he tried to pry the knife away.
'WHAT THE HELL? I GOT YOU THOSE FLOWERS AS A GIFT!! IF YOU DIDN’T LIKE THEM AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE YOU KILL THEM!!'
'OH NOOOO, I LOVE THEM! THEY’RE JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU TRIED BRINGING YOR, REMEMBER? WHAT A GOOD DAY THAT WAS, THE FIRST DAY YOU EVER BOTHERED ME. AND LOOK AT US NOW!'
'WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU..-'
Yuri paused long enough for you to manage to elbow him away as he registered his mistake. The day you met. The roses. Yor. He had been wanting to put off talking about his changing relationships with the both of you until later this week, but it was clear how dire this was. Instead of handling it calmly, he got defensive.
'ROSES ARE ROSES! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM? YOU LOOKED HAPPY WHEN I HANDED THEM TO YOU!'
'THAT WAS BEFORE I REALIZED HOW LAAAAZY YOU ARE AT GIFT-GIVING. I KNOW YOU’RE STARTING TO TREAT ME LIKE FAMILY BUT CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME THE SAME THINGS YOU GAVE HER? OR DO YOU EXPECT ME TO ACT THE SAME AS HER TOO?'
Fuck.
You said the petty thing.
You put down the knife and hid your face with a hand.
Yuri’s heart sank and he took a step closer, but you extended your free hand to stop him.
'I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be behaving like this. I know I’m being… ridiculous. I just… why roses? Why did you have to bring me the same thing? I’ve been trying to accept my place in your life but… are you really just going to treat me as a copy of your sister?'
Yuri’s heart sank and he wilted. He felt desperate.
'NO! Why would I? You’re not my sister! You’re my WIFE!'
He took the hand you held out. 'I love YOU, remember? I love you, Y/N! You’re more than just my family now, I- I chose you!'
He kissed your hand and it was like electricity shocked your skin. You peeked between your fingers and saw that it was real. Yuri held your hand to his face and looked at you with earnest eyes as he continued to talk.
'I chose the roses… because they’re supposed to be romantic, aren’t they? They weren’t just to congratulate you, I… I missed you and I was so excited to see you and get to talk to you again… to go on proper dates... but… maybe I should have picked something else. I’m sorry.'
Your heart leapt. You weren’t imagining this. This wasn’t a misunderstanding.
Romantic.
You dropped your hands and attacked him with a hug, still crying from the overwhelming emotions.
'I am SO. DUMB!!!'
Yuri furrowed his brows and held you, shaking his head.
'No, stop! You’re not. I know my whole… situation with my sister has been weird, I should’ve-'
You shook your head hard and talked over him.
'WHEN WE WERE DRUNK, I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME ‘I LOVE YOU’ IN THE WAY THAT FAMILY WOULD.'
Yuri stopped now and within a few seconds, started gripping you a little tighter.
'What. Do you mean. You took my confession like that?'
You winced as his hold got tighter, but you answered him honestly.
'I- I couldn’t believe that you’d like me back a-and when I was talking to Yor, she said you were treating me just like how you treated her and-'
'YOU THINK I EVER GOT THAT LOVEY-DOVEY WITH HER?'
'ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU’RE DEFINITELY ONE TO TAKE THINGS OVER THE LINE WITH YOUR SISTER!!'
'NOT THAT FAR!!! YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE YOU ARE STUPID! STUPID FOR LEADING ME ON AND FOR NEVER DOUBLE CHECKING OUR STATUS AFTER THAT NIGHT. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I’VE BEEN TRYING TO PROGRESS THINGS WITH YOU SINCE THEN? HOW HAPPY THINKING THAT YOU RECIPROCATED MADE ME? BELIEVING THAT I WAS IN MY FIRST REAL RELATIONSHIP AND IT WAS THE WOMAN I ALREADY MARRIED? UGH-'
You opened your mouth to argue back but his hands were around your head now, making you look him in the eyes. They were dead serious.
'Y/N, I love you.'
Your face quickly flushed and tried to look away.
'I-I know that now!'
He shook his head and moved it closer to yours, trying to get you to look at him again.
'Y/N. I. Love. You.'
'I KNOW!! CAN YOU P-PLEASE-'
He scoffed and pressed his forehead right on yours, his teeth gritting.
'Y/N!!'
'WHAT?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? I LOVE YOU TOO, OKAY? I’VE HAD A CRUSH ON YOU THE LONGEST AND I WAS TERRIFIED THAT YOU’D NEVER SEE ME THE SAME WAY AND I- I’D JUST HAVE TO KEEP BEING OKAY WITH...'
You shut your eyes. You trembled. It was too much. Too much honesty, too much openness. Yuri’s hands relaxed and you could feel his breath stutter out in… relief? Joy?
You whimpered, risking opening one eye to see his expression.
His lips were on yours before you could.
The kiss was short but it was passionate. He poured every ounce of frustration over every pain he had to go through maturing to be with you.
And even then, it wasn’t enough. He let go so you could both breathe, but he looked at you and kept going, going too fast, giving too much, being too eager, leaving you both still gasping and having to shift your weight with the counter propping you both up.
Finally he let go of you to catch you both before you slipped more, hands on either side of you, and he laughed as he tried to catch up with his heart-rate.
'Y/N, I love you…'
'I love you too, Yuri…'
Your faces were still close and you couldn’t escape the way he was looking at you.
'I can’t believe we’re already married…'
It was your turn to laugh. 'Me neither… looks like I was worth keeping around in the end, huh?'
He grinned, feeling so blissful. You were smiling for real again.
He kissed you one more time and looked at you as your noses touched.
'Yeah… I’m so happy that you’re here.'
~
The chill of winter’s beginnings rewarded you with a sneeze as you settled on a bench at the park. Yuri tutted next to you and rearranged your scarf to be tighter.
‘I swear to god, if you get sick and leave me to tend to those brats alone…”
You laughed but enjoyed his attention as he also inspected the rest of your clothes. “You’re still calling them that? They love you now!”
Yuri sniffed, “I never asked them to… and they’re still annoying!”
Despite his tone, his cheeks were tinted pink. He looked back at the boys playing with Anya with less of a grimace than before.
You also gazed at the children. You always worried whether or not if they’d get along with one another, but now, you felt silly for holding their meeting back for so long.
Your brothers took to their roles as Anya’s protectors immediately. They were very excited about being older than someone in the family, and wasted no time already trying to pick her up, coddle, and boss her around. Anya had seemed annoyed at first but in the time it took to walk all the way here, she had quickly gotten a grasp on how to deal with them both. She was so smart.
Currently, the boys were trying to prove to her that twins DID have telepathy powers, but she was becoming increasingly unimpressed. It made you smile.
Yuri sneakily held your hand and squeezed it. You squeezed back and gave him your attention again.
“I’m sorry, dear. I know you were looking forward to a weekend with just us…”
Yuri grumbled. “It’s like your parents knew we had plans and this is the only way they can get back at us for being happy…”
You snorted, but returned to consoling.
‘… still, thank you for agreeing. I’ll make it up to you…”
You rested against his side then and cuddled up to him. You felt his body shudder under yours.
“Yeah, well… I suppose babysitting duty isn’t so bad when you’re here, too.”
He lifted his arm to wrap around you, keeping you closer, and you both dipped your heads into a kiss. It had only been a week that you’ve been officially together, but you both had become truly inseparable. Now that the dam was broken, there had been a whirlwind of touches and kisses and other forms of physical affection exchanged in such a short amount of time.
You smiled against his lips as you separated, this was the first time you had kissed in public. He smiled back, though it felt a little dangerous in a way that made your heart race. Your heart-shaped bubble was quickly burst by the three onlookers you had forgotten about.
“NO WAY!!!”
“EWWWWW!!!”
“SINCE WHEN DO YOU TWO KISS??!”
You turned around and had to face the children’s expressions of disbelief. Suddenly, your brothers’ goodwill turned on its head as fast as it had come and both of them ran over to yank Yuri off of the bench.
“HOW DARE YOU! GET OFF OF HER!!!”
“YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SIT TOGETHER ANYMORE!”
Yuri screamed back indignantly.
“WHAT? WHAT!!! I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG! I LOVE HER, YOU LITTLE SHITS!!! DIDN’T YOU BOTH SAY-”
“THAT WAS BEFORE WE HAD TO SEE THAT!!!”
“YEAH, HAVE SOME SENSIBIFULTY!”
“Sensibility…”
“Oh…. HAVE THAT!!!”
“YOUCH-!!! I KNEW YOU WOULD TURN ON ME!!!”
You had to rush over to pry Kris away as he tried to take a bite out of Yuri’s leg.
Anya stayed standing, away from the commotion, and stared with giant eyes.
After all that. All the fighting and nagging and clashing over your fake marriage.
How?
How did it end up this way?
With him? Yuri??
The shock of it all made Anya’s head spin and she fell to the floor. Everyone paused as her body hit the grass, and priorities quickly shifted to rush to her side.
~
It had taken a while to get the kids to calm down. After you got home and returned Anya with her parents, the boys demanded to challenge Yuri for the right to be affectionate with you in public.
They had a lot of energy to burn, and Yuri was not one to back down. From paper-rock-scissors to hot dog eating, to poetry and thumb-wars, the contests lasted all day until eventually, the twins had to concede with gritted teeth that, indeed, Yuri seemed to be… cool.
You were busy washing and putting away dishes with Charles’s help as the other two were left on the couch, TV on and unable to look at each other.
With sleepy eyes, Kris muttered, “… I can actually see that… you really do love my sister, now.”
“Damn right, kid.” Yuri rubbed his eye and yawned. Kris mirrored the older man and grumbled.
“… thank you.”
Yuri tilted his head to glance at the boy, but quickly looked away again. A hand ended up landing on Kris’s head and Yuri grunted.
“You worry too much for a kid…”
The moment was brief but not unpleasant. IT was broken when you announced that it was time for bed.
The twins rushed to brush their teeth, then you tucked them in on the guestroom bed. You walked out with a blanket, and saw that Yuri was already laying on the couch, prepared to sleep there as the kids took his room. An action film flickered across his skin.
“… you gonna tuck me in, too?” Yuri joked as he turned to lay on his stomach and smiled. You hesitated, but bent down as you tucked hair behind your ear.
“Actually…”
“...?”
You hugged the blanket close as you squatted, obscuring half of your face and you whispered.
“Wanna share my room tonight…?”
Through the faint grey glow of the TV, you could still see Yuri’s blush.
~
A dream… it’s like a dream…
You both glided, footsteps soft as you guided him into your room and shut the door behind him. You nervously put away the blanket and hovered over your bed.
“Well… what side do you want?”
Yuri didn’t care. After just looking at each other with timid eyes, you sighed and settled into bed first. He nervously turned off the light and hobbled to climb the open spot left.
This… wasn’t the first time you had both shared a bed but… you were both sober now. And despite the sleepiness from before, Yuri’s nerves were on end and his blood felt like coffee as he stared at your familiar ceiling. He couldn’t settle down, he was too cognizant of you… and your body… so close.
You weren’t faring any better as your heart felt like it was going to jump out at any moment. You gave up trying to calm down and slowly turned to continue your braveness of the night, edging closer to him… at the same time he did.
You were both now wide-eyed and inches away from the other.
He could see the curve of your lips through the light in a crack in your curtains, and it drove him mad.
He completely shifted his body, now unafraid, as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close to his chest.
“Y/N…”
You shivered and breathed him in.
“Yuri…”
You dared to look up and both your noses touched. He bit his lip, you could tell where he was staring. You took the lead from there and moved up to kiss him, wrapping your arms around his neck.
He melted into you and followed your lead with hungry eagerness. The kiss was fast to open up, he whined as he felt your tongue and suddenly, he had no idea where to put his hands anymore. They trickled down your back, circling around your waist before he allowed himself to land them on your hips. You let go of the kiss to catch your breath and laughed at how nervous you both were.
Yuri seemed to be under the impression that it was solely directed at him. He sounded so embarassed.
‘… Fuck, Y/N… don’t laugh at me…”
“I’m not..!”
You wanted to reassure him, you moved your arms to hold his shoulders but he shrugged them away as he got up… and now he was over you. Pinning you with a look that was equal parts pouting and… greedy.
‘It’s not fair… You don’t know how much I’m holding back… trying to be good.’
Your legs shook underneath him.
‘Y-Yuri…’
Your face was definitely giving it away because he noticed the shift in mood and he leaned in closer to ghost your lips again.
‘I wanted to take things slow… take my time exploring you...” He pecked your lips, moving them down to your cheek, your neck… and lower.
You whimpered as he nibbled against your clothing and looked at you through lidded eyes while one of his hands tugged at it lightly, wanting to take it off.
‘… Do you want to start tonight?’
From this moment, till the day you both die…
He was going to give you all the reasons to stay with him.
~
IT’S OVER. IT’S FINALLY OVER.
MAN, rereading my fanfic makes me cringe oTL The first chapter is just thoughts held together with glue and a prayer. How did I get so many of you to keep reading? Thank you SO MUCH for all your continued support over the years!!!
UUUGH, I was saving the conflict between Y/N feeling second to Yor for a jealous childhood best friend Y/N fic idea I had in the past but I struggled to come up with more things for this one so I had to use it somewhat. This is definitely not as deep as I would have explored it with the childhood friend idea, but stiiiill… I hope I did this justice.
I hope I could make you all smile.
(To the few people that care, Kris gets given an assignment to write about what he wants to be when he grows up and he basically admits he wants to be Yuri. He hides it from his dad but his mom finds out and immediately calls you to tell you about it. And of course, you tell Yuri.
The two still bicker but the kid has really wormed his way into being Yuri’s favorite of the twerps.)
Thanks again for following me through hell. I don’t know if I’ll see any of yall pop in my comments, asks or feed again but, it’s been a pleasure to be thought of so fondly by you all.
(Forgot to give a shoutout to Mari, my friend who let me read all of this final chapter out loud to her to check for mistakes and to see if things were okay. WOOT)
actually, why do you do that - make fun of your own past, your own pain. make fun of yourself.
you recently told a story to a friend; prefacing it with it's actually kind of funny but - and then you accidentally spilled out a whole narrative, one of the bad things that had happened to you. she had looked at you like you were suddenly made of stone. it was horror. what was on her face was abject, heartbreaking horror. you'd laughed - wait was that funny or was that just a traumatic backstory kind of thing.
of course you're aware it's likely a simple equation: if you make fun of it first, nobody else can get the jump on you. it's already a joke, a punchline. you can't be taken by surprise that way.
but it actually hadn't even been that bad of a story. it had been barely a corner of the entire blanket; barely a stitch. you thought it was funny because it was one of the only places that have cooled down enough now that you can hold them up to the light and analyze them. sure, the rest of the weaving was alight. but against the heat of the rest of it, you had felt like: of course this one fraction is so funny. it was just so stupid, so incongruous with reality.
you felt bad about it immediately. started babbling about anything else. tried to shift the conversation to any-other-topic. it wasn't like you meant to "trauma dump" (which, in your case, happens any time you even vaguely refer to your past or to your mental health or to your family or to any of the other one million things you survived quietly). and you did the thing you always do - you made light of it. you made it seem easy to carry. you tried to buoy her mood; worried you upset her just for - for what? telling the truth?
the rest of the picture - of the story - that stuff is obviously traumatic. but there were these times where it felt like clarity would come down and suddenly strike everything into a strange contrast; chiaroscuro that accented the banality of evil. there were places where the simplicity of it - the sheer cruelty, the neglect, the bald-faced and insipid betrayal - it suddenly made the entire painting feel weirdly absurd. these small, precise details where you would just have to laugh to withstand it; to grasp the strange impossible notion that you saw that and you lived through it.
you huffed out a breath and waved it away and tried to people-please and walked it back and tried to fawn and felt bad about the way you'd overstepped and felt bad about ruining the moment. a part of you had quietly whined that it really was funny, when you look at it, when you take in the scope of the thing, really. that there's a good amount of humor in irony.
because what else is there? if you just let the truth be the truth, if that moment isn't funny - then it's all just real. you have no power over that. it will sear through you into the bone. you have no idea how else to get out. and besides, isn't it sort of powerful? you're making a mockery of what hurt you. you're able to still feel glee and joy, which you revel in because fuck 'em. you will be funny and kindhearted and sweet. you are a blade that outshone the fire of your forge. you are a court jester in the face of the king's awful wrath.
you tell your therapist about this moment. and you can't help it - you let out a little laugh.
We all know what erectile dysfunction is but literally no one is ever taught what vaginismus is and it can cause people to feel extremely lost, broken, and cause people to take their own lives.
Raise. Awareness.
For the uninformed, vaginismus is when the vagina painfully tightens and spasms when faced with pressure, usually from anything trying to insert into the vagina. It’s the reason I can’t wear tampons, and why many people can’t have vaginal sex without severe pain.
There’s not a lot of treatments, and there isn’t a single one that is for vaginismus exclusively - they’re all medications or treatments to treat symptoms, but not the causes. In fact, for a long time doctors waved off vaginismus as a purely psychological disorder in cis women.
Seriously, this is so unaddressed and uncared for in medical circles. Please spread awareness, even if all it’s for is to let those who have it but don’t have a name for it finally be able to understand what’s happening to their bodies.
Hi hello! This post is almost 10 years old and there ARE treatments for this. Vaginismus is otherwise known as pelvic hypertonia and it is a MUSCULAR condition that can be caused by many different factors including endometriosis, trauma, chronic UTIs, and connective tissue disorders.
It’s incredibly common! And it can be treated by physiotherapy.
I know this because I’m currently undergoing physio and although it can take months to recover, I’m already seeing improvement. A lot of the pelvic floor exercises are available online, but if you have these symptoms please TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR and see if you can get a physio referral (or investigation for underlying causes like endometriosis).
Also, my additions to posts never get reblogged so a note to my followers: this is SUPER IMPORTANT ISSUE that affects many people and is rarely talked about. Please reblog, and please share this info with as many people as possible.
Pelvic hypertonia/vaginismus is incredibly debilitating and psychologically damaging but it CAN BE TREATED. Spread the word, and you never know who you’ll be throwing a lifeline to.
There was this woman poet in 4th century China called Su Hui (蘇蕙), a child genius who had reportedly mastered Chinese characters by age 3.
At 21 years old, heartbroken by her husband who left her for another woman, she decided to encode her feelings in a structure so intricate, so beautiful, so intellectually staggering that it still baffles scholars to this day.
Came to be known as the Xuanji Tu (璇璣圖) - the "Star Gauge" or "Map of the Armillary Sphere" - it's a 29 by 29 grid of 841 characters that can produce over 4,000 different poems.
Read it forward. Read it backward. Read it horizontally, vertically, diagonally. Read it spiraling outward from the center. Read it in circles around the outer edge. Each path through the grid produces a different poem - all of them coherent, all of them beautiful, all of them rhyming, all of them expressing variations on the same themes of longing, betrayal, regret, and undying love.
The outer ring of 112 characters forms a single circular poem - believed to be both the first and longest of its kind ever written. The interior grid produces 2,848 different four-line poems of seven characters each. In addition, there are hundreds of other smaller and longer poems, depending on the reading method.
At the center a single character she left implied but unwritten: 心 (xin) - "heart." Later copyists would add it explicitly, but in Su Hui's original the meaning was even more beautiful: 4,000 poems, all orbiting the space where her heart used to be.
Take for instance the outer red grid of the Star Gauge. Starting from the top right corner and reading down, you get this seven-character quatrain:
仁智懷德聖虞唐，
貞志篤終誓穹蒼，
欽所感想妄淫荒，
心憂增慕懷慘傷。
In pinyin, it is:
Rén zhì huái dé shèng yú táng,
zhēnzhì dǔ zhōng shì qióng cāng,
qīn suǒ gǎnxiǎng wàng yín huāng,
xīn yōu zēng mù huái cǎn shāng.
Notice how it rhymes? táng / cāng / huāng / shāng
The rough translation in English is: "The benevolent and wise cherish virtue, like the sage-kings Yao and Shun, With steadfast will I swear to the heavens above, What I revere and feel - how could it be wanton or dissolute? My heart's sorrow grows, longing brings only grief."
Now read it from the bottom to the top and you get this entirely different seven-character quatrain:
傷慘懷慕增憂心，
荒淫妄想感所欽，
蒼穹誓終篤志貞，
唐虞聖德懷智仁。
The pinyin:
Shāng cǎn huái mù zēng yōu xīn,
huāngyín wàngxiǎng gǎn suǒ qīn,
cāngqióng shì zhōng dǔzhì zhēn,
táng yúshèngdé huái zhì rén.
It rhymes too: xīn and qīn, zhēn and rén
And the meaning is just as beautiful and coherent: "Grief and sorrow, longing fills my worried heart, Wanton and dissolute fantasies - is that what you revere? I swear to the heavens my constancy is true, May we embody the sage-kings' virtue, wisdom, and benevolence."
That's just 2 poems out of the over 4,000 you can construct from the Xuanji Tu!
At the very center of the grid, the 8 red characters wrapped around the central heart, she "signed" her poem with a hidden message:
詩圖璇玑，始平蘇氏。 "The poem-picture of the Armillary Sphere, by Su of Shiping."
Or reversed:
蘇氏詩圖，璇玑始平。 "Su's poem-picture - the Armillary Sphere begins in peace."
Many scholars, and even emperors, throughout Chinese history have been completely obsessed by Su Hui's puzzle.
For instance, in the Ming dynasty, a scholar named Kang Wanmin (康萬民) devoted his entire life to the poems (kangshiw.com/contents/461/2…), ending up documenting twelve different reading methods - forward, backward, diagonal, radiating, corner-to-corner, spiraling - and extracting 4,206 poems. His book on the subject ("Reading Methods for the Xuanji Tu Poems", 璇璣圖詩讀法) runs to hundreds of pages.
Empress Wu Zetian herself, the legendary woman emperor of the Tang dynasty, wrote a preface to the Xuanji Tu around 692 CE (baike.baidu.com/item/%E7%BB%87…).
Incredibly, there's even far more complexity to the Xuanji Tu than just the poems:
- The name 璇玑 (Xuanji) - Armillary Sphere - is astronomical in meaning and the way the poems can be read mirrors the way celestial bodies orbit around a fixed center. It's a model of the heavens.
- Her original work, with the characters woven on silk brocade, was in five colors (red, black, blue/green, purple, and yellow) which correspond to the Five Elements (五行) - the foundational Chinese philosophical system that explains how the universe operates. So it's also a model of the entire cosmic order according to ancient Chinese philosophy.
- It's also of course deeply mathematical with this 29 x 29 perfect square grid, with sub-squares, lines and rectangles, and a structure which allows for symmetrical reading patterns in all directions
- Last but not least, the content of the poems themselves contain multiple registers. On top of expressing her personal grief and longing for her husband, it's also filled with accusations against the concubine (Zhao Yangtai) he left her for, reflections on politics (with many references to sage-kings) and philosophical reflections.
So the Star Gauge is simultaneously:
- A love letter (expressing personal longing)
- A legal brief (arguing her case against her rival)
- A cosmological model (structured like the heavens)
- A Five Element diagram (encoding the fundamental structure of the world according to ancient Chinese philosophy)
- A mathematical construction with perfect symmetry and precision
And yet, for all this complexity, we should not forget this was all ultimately in service of the simplest human message imaginable: a 21-year-old woman asking the love of her life "come back to me".
Her husband did, eventually. According to what empress Wu Zetian herself wrote in her preface to the Xuanji Tu, when he received Su's brocade he was so "moved by its supreme beauty" that he sent away his concubine and returned to his wife. As the story goes, they lived together until old age.
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Synopsis -> You’ve been working as Onychinus’s accountant for two years, and you’ve been carrying two heavy secrets for a third of it. You were in love with your boss, and your mother was dying.
A/N -> I'm sorry it took so long. I have been obsessing over trying to make part two perfect but I don't think I can. It's time I share my baby with you, and I really hope you enjoy it.
Tags -> Angst, fluff :)
Trigger Warnings -> Character death, heavily mentions grief. Some parts are suggestive but there is no smut.
Word Count -> 18.8K (it got kinda crazy)
Late October
It was cold, dark and gloomy; the weather a perfect pathetic fallacy to the narrative of your life. The freshly disturbed patch of grass failed to convey the significance of who laid underneath it. It was vexing, how the world continued to spin on it’s axis despite the fact that it stopped spinning for you.
It hurt to think about the events that led to your undoing. The weeks prior to the moment your mother drew her last breath. You were a cracked vase filled with wilting flowers and overflowing regret. Every breath you took consumed more energy than you could spare and yet the world just. Kept. Spinning.
“I brought you flowers. Yellow tulips, by the way.” The words felt like lead on your tongue. It was one thing to accept your mother was never coming back, it was another to try to act normal about it. “I know you never cared for them, but I didn’t think leaving a pack of cigarettes on your grave was very tasteful.” You bitterly smiled to yourself at the memories of your mom sneaking a cigarette in the backyard when she thought you were asleep. It was a nasty habit you did everything to rid her of. A fruitless attempt to protect her from the inevitable.
“I’m sorry I haven’t figured out your epitaph yet. It’s just so hard to condense your entire life into a few words. Plus, they charge by the letter, so I’m trying to be really selective.” It felt weird, speaking into empty space, but you read online that it helped with grief, so you tried anyway.
That was how you approached most things nowadays. Eating, drinking, sleeping, they all seemed meaningless. But, you knew you couldn’t survive on just antagonism and mourning, so you did it anyway.
“Zayne called again. I know you told me not to hate him and that it wasn’t his fault, but I can’t bring myself to agree.”
The moment Zayne told you that the heart that could save your mother’s life was going to someone else replayed in your mind like a scratched vinyl stuck on an aggravating note.
“I got so frustrated by his constant calls that I threw my phone into the ocean.” You let out a sad laugh. “Guess that’s the last time I bring anything with me when I’m walking along the coast.”
You paused for a moment, feeling stupid. But you had so much to say to her, it all just began spilling out.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I might lose the house. I burned through all my paid leave, and the idea of going back to work for Sylus makes me want to put my head through a wood-chipper. I know I have to, but how can I focus on work when I have nothing left to work for?” You tasted the tears before you felt them, the saltiness reminded you of your weekends at the beach with your mom. You did everything to get out of joining her, you hated the beach, but it was her favourite place to be and in a desperate attempt to cling on to whatever was left of her, you forced it to be yours too.
“I’m sorry I never got you that house you dreamed of, or the dog. I’m sure there are lots of dogs in heaven, and at least the dogs there have been screened. With my luck any dog I would’ve gotten you would’ve been evil.” You teetered around the grievance you truly wanted to apologise for.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t spend much time with you before you passed away. I was so sure you would get the transplant. I tried so hard to save for it. I should’ve been with you. If I knew—” The sobs raked through you with a force that knocked the air out of your lungs. You sat down next to her tombstone, leaning your head against the chiseled rock.
There were moments when you’d wake up, and in the haze of your muddled mind you’d forget she was dead. But then the ache in your body is deciphered by your mind, and you’re reminded of just how much you’ve lost. Maybe that’s why they called it mourning. Grief dawned on you like the rising sun.
Life had a way of being entirely unfair, and there was nowhere to hide from fate’s piercing claws. And as if to ensure you hadn’t forgotten just how cruel life could be, your head whipped around at the sound of footsteps behind you to find the last person you wanted to see.
Sylus was dressed in a long black coat hanging effortlessly off of his broad shoulders, a black dress shirt that really should’ve been buttoned up to the top, and a pair of black slacks that made his long legs look impossibly longer. He looked every bit the cunning grim reaper, and it wasn’t just because he was surrounded by graves.
“I didn’t know you were back in the N109 Zone.” The words came out harsher than you intended as your head returned to it’s position against the rock.
Sylus stopped in front of you, lowering himself to his haunches so that you would be face-to-face. It stung to look at him, so you focused on picking at the grass instead.
“I only got back a few hours ago. I heard about your mother. I’m sorry.” Having been deprived of his voice for over a month, you cursed the butterflies that coursed through you like muscle memory. Part of you wished he’d returned disfigured, but you knew it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Ugly or devastatingly beautiful, the storm that was Sylus could not be stopped, only weathered.
“Sorry that she died or sorry that you weren’t there?” The bitterness in your tone was unfamiliar to you. Even though you knew it was unfair of you to expect him to have stayed, he left immediately after he dropped you off at the hospital and you hoped he’d have been there just a little longer. It didn’t help that you didn’t hear from him until two weeks later, and by then you were too engrossed in your battle against Akso hospital’s medical board to respond.
“You haven’t been answering my calls; they’re not even going through anymore. You haven’t blocked me, have you?” Sylus countered your question with one of his own. If you cared enough, you might’ve called him out on his diversion.
“No, my phone broke.” That was an understatement if there ever was one.
“How long ago?”
“A week.” That much was true and since you couldn’t afford a smart phone, a shitty $30 flip phone weighed down your pocket.
“And all the times I called before then?” Sylus’s eyes perused you with intensity, and you suddenly felt self-conscious. You weren’t dressed well, in a pair of black sweatpants that were too big on you and a matching hoodie. Grieving people were allowed to dress terribly without judgement, Y/N. It’s okay.
“I didn’t feel like picking up.” The grass continued to bare the brunt of your nerves as you answered. The you that wasn’t effectively an orphan would’ve made up some excuse to protect his feelings, but you were resolved to change that. Your mother was strong, independent, and she never backed down from a fight. Not against men like Sylus, and not against her illness. If you wanted to honour her memory then you had to live your life the way she’d want you to.
“Do you have a phone now?”
You reached into the pocket of your sweatpants to take out the grey flip phone. You watched as Sylus bit back a laugh.
“I’ll get you a new one.”
“I don’t need you to get me anything.” You quickly retorted.
“You’re going to need a phone from this century if you’re working for me, Y/N.” He said it so casually, as if you were put on this earth solely to serve him as his accountant.
“Right, about that…” Your determination to be confident and unapologetic began to dwindle as you wondered how to tell Sylus you needed more time.
“No. Resigning is not an option.” Twelve minutes. It took Sylus twelve minutes to return to his usual controlling self. You were impressed, truly, it was a new record after all.
“We don’t have a blood pact, Sylus. I can resign if I want to. Besides, that’s not what I was going to say. I need more time off.” You didn’t sound very convincing, but it wasn’t like you could change who you were overnight. It would take a lifetime to unlearn your bad habits.
Sylus looked conflicted, as if he didn’t know what to say. When he chose to finally open his mouth, you wished he hadn’t.
“I’ve given you a month, Y/N. That’s enough.” His statement came out so matter-of-factly, you wondered if you had imagined it. A month was not nearly enough to recover from losing your mom, but you figured a man who killed people for a living wouldn’t understand.
“It’s only been two weeks since she died. And I’m sure the temp you’ve got is perfectly competent.”
“The temp doesn’t know the company like you do and I haven’t bothered teaching him on the premise that you were returning. If you’re not back soon I can’t promise you’ll have a job to come back to.”
The tension in the air dissipated as you began to laugh. Loudly. Obnoxiously. Hysterically.
“You— You seriously think I care whether or not I have a job? I can barely will myself to eat right now—employment is not my priority.” You wiped back the tears that began to spill out. Their origin unknown, between your hysteria and sorrow, your eyes were constantly puffy.
“People die all the time, sweetheart. It’s no reason to throw your future away.” Sylus stood up straight at the end of his statement, holding his hand out to you.
The angel on your shoulder whispered that in his own peculiar way, this was his attempt at comforting you. But you stopped listening to that angel when they buried your mom under six-feet of dirt, and you couldn’t help the word vomit that escaped you like water barrelling out of a splintered dam.
You pushed away his hand, and stood up to look at him with a ferocity you didn’t know you possessed.
“I get that something really dark and twisted must have happened in your youth to make you so heartless, but most people have shitty childhoods, sweetheart. We choose not to be terrible, insufferable people because of it.” The unbridled rage you’d spend so long trying to suppress seeped out of you uncontrollably as you screamed at Sylus. You walked toward him, your anger taking hold of you as you began to push him away. A few months ago you would’ve given anything to touch him, now all you cared about was making him feel a semblance of the pain he instilled in you.
“Some of us choose to feel our emotions in their entirety, regardless of how much it hurts, because we’re not scared to love and lose. You’re a coward, Sylus and you may think that my mother dying is just an inevitable consequence of life, but my world will never be the same.” In an attempt to calm down, you took a deep breath.
“You can judge me all you want, but it won’t change the fact that when you die, no one will mourn you.” The word vomit continued, and when you saw the hurt flash briefly within his eyes, you felt the arms of regret begin to sink their claws into you.
You shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t you.
But before you could take it all back, Sylus’s phone began ringing and you figured from the urgency in which he answered it must’ve been her.
“I lost track of time, I’ll be right there.” He spoke in a low voice in what you could only assume was an attempt to mask the fact that he was leaving you for something more important, again.
He opened his mouth to speak, but you beat him to it.
“Just go.” You waved him off and turned back around to face your mother’s grave, though now the tears welling up in your eyes couldn’t be entirely attributed to the grief.
Early November
You weren’t sure time could heal the gaping wound your mother’s passing left behind, but grief had settled into your life like an imposing aunt. It was in your home, touching your things, ruining your food, and never once leaving you alone. It didn’t feel so all-consuming anymore, but it clung onto you constantly like a shadow.
You were watching the third Harry Potter movie at 8am when you received the eviction notice via Email. You’d been expecting it, ultimately you were behind on rent, but the reason plastered on the paper was exponentially worse than your own incompetence.
…Selling to developers…suburban expansion project…
As if losing your childhood home wasn’t bad enough, they were planning on destroying it. Memories were bound to decay with time, that was an inevitable consequence of being human. Sooner or later you’d forget the way your mom dressed, or the smell of her perfume. Tangible things like photographs, places, they kept those memories anchored. You couldn’t lose the house, it wasn’t an option.
You spent the next hour trying to reason with your landlord over the phone, but he was committed to selling. He rejected every single one of your proposals, though even you knew they were weak at best. The developers were offering significantly more than market value, there was no way you could beat that. Stupid gentrification. But, your landlord told you he was sympathetic, and the deal hadn’t been finalised just yet. If you could match the developer’s offer by the end of the month, he’d gladly sell it to you instead.
Of course the developer’s offer was $800,000, and by the looks of your financials, you were about $796,312 short.
Desperate for a catharsis for your unending frustration, you screamed into the throw pillow on your couch until your throat felt raw. Then, you opened up your laptop to figure out a plan.
30 minutes later you had:
Sell your kidney to an organ broker and use the money to get a loan from any dodgy bank that would accept your mediocre credit score.
Dabble briefly in prostitution and use the money to get a loan from any dodgy bank that would accept your mediocre credit score.
Become a squatter and protest the demolition of your home environmental-activist style.
“Wow, Y/N. Graduated top of your class and this was all you could come up with, huh?” You muttered to yourself as you stared at the list of terrible ideas. Your mind hadn’t come up with something so horrific since the bed-in-breakfast Mother’s Day fiasco when you were 11.
The only option that didn’t end in bodily harm or a prison sentence was to work as many jobs as humanly possible for the next few weeks in hopes you could somehow manage to accumulate the deposit for a loan. You could probably sell some appliances too, and maybe revisit the kidney idea if it came to it.
Despite it being a long-shot, you had to try. You changed into a pair of flared leggings and a sweater. It was basic and borderline mismatched but traversing your explosive closet was a large undertaking you tended to avoid. You dug a copy of your old resume out from your file drawer, after all, it wasn’t like your experience as Onychinus’s accountant was going to do you any good. Further, listing Sylus as a reference would ensure you never got a job again.
You figured the easiest place to start was the central district of the N109 zone, bars and restaurants there were constantly hiring and from what you’d heard their only requirement was that you had two functioning legs and arms. But when you tried to leave through the door to begin the job search you collided with a formidable wall.
Since when was there a—
“Where you headed to, Y/N?” The familiar voice was so surprising it made you jump, the action accompanied by a shrill scream.
“What the fuck? Why are you just standing outside my door?” You rarely ever swore and you were sure that if your mother was still alive she’d throw her shoe at you for using the devil’s language. But of all the things you expected to see that morning, Sylus outside your door was not one of them.
“Is that any way to welcome your old employer?” Sylus stepped into your home without an invitation. Conclusive proof against your theory that he was secretly a vampire.
“What are you doing here?” You asked again, still staring at Sylus like he sprouted a second head. You couldn’t think of a single reason why he’d show up at your place of residence, he never did while you were still his employee.
“I need you to come back.” You choked back a laugh at his ridiculous request. Was he insane?
“Go to hell.” Your vicious response didn’t sway Sylus.
“I’ve fired an accountant every week since you left. The accounts are in complete disarray, half my businesses are behind on their bills, the other half have been paying the wrong amounts to the wrong companies. My investors are unhappy, my debtors are one week away from assuming I’ve gone bankrupt and I haven’t slept in weeks. Come. Back.” While it stroked your ego to hear that the organisation was suffering in your absence, you couldn’t just forget the terrible way he’d treated you in and out of the workplace.
“You insisted I was especially replaceable and now you’re saying you can’t replace me?” You chose to remind him of just how horrid of an employer he was, an action he didn’t appreciate.
“If you’re going to dwell on the semantics I’d rather just cut to the chase. What’s it going to take to get you back?” Sylus’s tone suggested he was truly trying to negotiate with you. Of course a man like him didn’t know how to take no for an answer.
“Pigs to fly.” You quipped, opening your door in hopes he’d get the hint and leave.
“Y/N, I’m serious. We can’t survive without you.” His desperation went straight to your head, but you stood your ground.
“Then die.” You tried to shove him out of your doorway, but he was about as easy to move as a truck.
“Everyone has something they desire, sweetheart. Name your price.” While you were ready to fire up a quick retort, his suggestion reminded you of the very reason you were about to leave the house.
Perhaps this was a sign; you could swallow your pride if it meant you got to keep your home.
You pretended to give it thought, sighing loudly in contemplation. “Fine. I want a sign-on bonus. Or in this case, a re-sign-on bonus, I guess…” You trailed off, unsure if he would agree.
“Alright, how much?” He was quick to accept your terms, and you decided to test the waters of just how desperate he was for your return.
“A million dollars.”
“Done.”
Dammit, you should’ve asked for more.
“I want a personal driver too, I’m sick of biking to work.” You would’ve been okay with just the bonus, after all, it was insanely generous. But you’d be a fool not to milk this opportunity for what it was worth.
“Anything else, princess?” The condescending nickname only added fuel to the fire as you fired off more requests.
“I don’t want to share my office with the twins anymore, they’re loud and annoying and they have no respect for the sanctity of my monthly budgets.”
“Okay.”
You masked your shock at his sudden magnanimity. “One last thing. Since you’ve come to the realisation that I am, in fact, a valuable asset to your organisation, you’re not allowed to be a dick to me anymore.”
“Elaborate.”
“No more calling me stupid or other degrading insults, threatening my job security, threatening my life — just no more threats in general — and if you’re going to assign me extra work that is beyond the scope of my job description, a please and thank you would be nice.”
“You’re pushing it, Y/N.” Of course treating his employees like human beings was the most difficult request.
“You just agreed to give me a million dollars and being nice to me is where you draw the line?”
Sylus sighed, deliberating in silence for a moment. When he saw that your resolve was unrelenting, he begrudgingly agreed. He wasn’t sure where your newfound confidence was coming from, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t find it the slightest bit attractive.
“Alright, you’ve made your case. I’ll agree to your conditions. Now, please fix it.”
It took every fibre of your being not to break out into song and dance at your victory. “Let me get my coat.”
______________
You stared at the horrific mess your beautiful spreadsheet had turned in to. This was a disaster. A colossal, unfathomable disaster. “How could you let it get this bad?” Your voice was dripping with fear, it was like staring a train wreck.
“It wasn’t like it happened on purpose. Besides, if you’d never—” Sylus interrupted his own sentence which you were sure contained an insult, and you could almost hear the evil chuckle resounding in your head at the sight of his obedience. This was going to be fun.
“This is going to take forever to fix.” It would actually only take the day, but you didn’t need to tell him that.
“I need it fixed by the end of the week. Please.” He looked pained as he added the nicety. Soooooo much fun.
“Add on a massage chair for my office and I’ll get it done by Wednesday.” You wondered just how far you could push his desperation.
“Deal.” He held his hand out for you to shake and when you did, you felt a strange sense of accomplishment. Now you could tell people ‘How to Tame Your Dragon’ was loosely based on your life.
“You know, Sylus, I’m liking this new dynamic.” Your shit-eating grin couldn’t be wiped off of your face no matter how hard you tried.
“Oh I can tell. Now, get to work.” Sylus made a show of pulling out your office chair for you, and when you sat in it for the first time in two months, you felt an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. And for once, the recollection of your past didn’t hurt as much as it usually did.
Mid-November
This time around, your employment under Sylus was much more pleasant. Surprisingly, he’d actually adhered to your conditions.
The twins were slightly offended that you no longer wanted to share your office with them, but their gratefulness for your return trumped any antagonism they had for you. You were kind of a celebrity in Onychinus’s executive team, their saviour, if you will.
But, the enjoyment of your newly established status could not be savoured. Undoing months of mistakes was turning out to be positively exhausting. You were an accountant; socially awkward, stuck to her Excel sheets, spent most of her free time indulging in shitty rom-coms. You were not built for briefing CEOs, Chairmen, investors, subsidiaries and of course, debtors, on your commitment to stability via video call.
Sylus insisted it had to be you, even though he usually handled the bureaucratic part of the organisation. Something about him not being able to answer their questions regarding the numbers. You told him you would tell him what to say through an ear piece like a spy movie, but he responded with a resounding no.
It was more like ‘hell will freeze over before I turn into a glorified puppet, Y/N, blah blah blah’.
Every single one-on-one conference call made you feel like you were getting hives. Not to mention the active effort it took you to refrain from making stupid jokes at every opportunity. When the last one with the representative from Onychinus’s main bank was over, you had officially smoothed over all bad blood between Onychinus and it’s stakeholders.
Giving yourself a moment to recalibrate from the sheer amount of social interaction you had been subjected to, you glared at the shared calendar event. ‘Miss Hunter’s Birthday in 13 days’.
You tried to distract yourself from that familiar sinking feeling in your gut with your work. Sylus never remembered your birthday, but it wasn’t like it mattered. You were his accountant, he was your boss. That was the extent of your relationship, even though you’d both said things to each other that would cause your HR department, if you had one, to self-emulate. But in the chaos of buying your home, going back to work and learning how to navigate life with your unwanted companion; grief, you’d forgotten all about your feelings for Sylus.
They weren’t gone but they were muted, like a voice screaming out to you while your head was underwater. Most of the time they were easy to ignore, but in times like these they were too loud to overlook.
You couldn’t dwell on your self-pity for long because there was a knock at your door. No one ever knocked on your door, people just tended to barge in.
“Come in?” Confusion dripped from your voice. When the door opened to a pair of twins with shameful smiles, you knew they were about to ask you for a favour.
“We… fucked up.” Three words you never wanted to hear coming out of either Luke or Kieran’s mouth.
“What have you done?”
“Long story short. Boss sent us to pick up a gem for Miss Hunter’s birthday. It’s really rare. The man who owns them is this older, heart of gold type old guy who refuses to sell to nefarious people because of his outdated principles. He wouldn’t give it to us, said something about us being part of Onychinus. We knew if boss didn’t get this gem today he’d have our heads displayed on mantels in his office, so we threatened the old man with a gun and then an entire arsenal of security appeared out of thin air and we were blacklisted from the property.” Kieran’s explanation left you astounded.
The twins had their fair share of asinine mistakes, but this one might have taken the cake.
“You threatened an old man with a gun…”
“Yes.” Kieran responded.
“Over a gem?” You asked in disbelief.
“A very rare gem!” Luke corrected.
“Huh. How am I supposed to help?” It was a genuine question, you didn’t really see a way out of this one.
“Can you go and convince the old man to sell the gem to you?” Kieran’s request made your eyes widen in protest.
“No way! I’ve had my fill of uncomfortable business meetings.” And wasn’t that the truth. If you had to see one more man in a business suit ask you ‘if you even knew what you were talking about’ you might throw your laptop into the first body of water you could find.
“Please, Y/N. Sylus will kill us. Do you want our deaths to hang over your conscience?”
Luke’s question was an innocent hyperbole, but at the mention of deaths hanging over your conscience, you were reminded of your mom. Your face dropped, your fingers slowly forgetting what they were supposed to type. Kieran, the more observant twin, elbowed Luke.
“Fuck, Y/N. I’m sorry, I forgot.”
“No, no, it’s fine. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me, I’m not going to burst into tears.” You weren’t sure that was true quite yet, but fake it till you make it, right?
“Will you help us? Please. We’ll owe you big time.” The line was clearly rehearsed since they said it in unison, or maybe it was some weird twin telepathy thing. Either way, it freaked you out so much you agreed.
“Fine, what’s the address?”
_____________
You knocked on the large wooden door of a beautiful home. It was classically designed, a perfect intersection between modernity and the timeless complexity of archaic house designs. It was rare to see homes like these in a society that prided itself on progress.
When you heard the sound of soft feet shuffling toward the door, you felt the guilt eat at you internally. You were tricking an old man into selling a gem to people he very reasonably did not want to sell to.
“Y/M/N?”
Did he— why did he call you by your mother’s name?
“That was my mother, I’m her daughter, Y/N.”
“Oh, thank god, I was beginning to think I’d finally lost it. Come in, come in.”
Your interest had been piqued, and you forgot all about the gem as you entered the old man’s home.
“I must say, I’m surprised you’re here. Did your mother send you?”
You swallowed the lump in your throat. “She passed away just over a month ago.”
“Oh god. I’m so sorry, dear. Are you alright?” The question was filled with so much warmth it made tears well up in your eyes. Your mother never had any friends, and you were estranged from your extended family. You were all alone in your grief, and hearing someone who knew your mom in some capacity ask you if you were alright felt bittersweet.
“Yeah. I’m doing okay. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know her?”
“You don’t know? I figured that was why you were here.”
Right. The reason you were here, the gem.
“No, I’m actually here entirely coincidentally, I came to acquire a gem.”
“Which gem were you after, dear?” He asked the question as he looked around his living room for something.
“The Painite one.”
He stopped pacing and turned to you with an accusatory stare. “This wouldn’t happen to be related to those two rowdy boys who came by earlier, right?”
“Well…” You couldn’t lie to him. He looked like the old man from ‘Up’, it was entirely unfair.
“I’m afraid I can’t sell to you. I’m concerned you’ve even gotten yourself wrapped up in such a terrible organisation.” He shook his head, his disappointment evident in his tone.
“Look, I know what you’ve heard, but most of the rumours you hear about Onychinus don’t have a modicum of truth to them.”
“Then why hasn’t your boss cleared them up?” A great question.
“In this business its good to have a reputation that instills fear in others. You’ve seen what people do for Protocores and black-market items. Onychinus serves as a… regulatory body of the underworld, the only people they harm are those that harm others.” The practiced speech came from years of listening to Sylus give it to yourself and others.
“I don’t know dear, I’ve heard some horrific things about their leader, Sylus.” You were probably responsible for a few of those rumours…
“The only horrific thing about him is his sharp tongue. Seriously, he has a way of finding your worst insecurity and then using it to drag you through the dirt.” Recognising the unhelpful tangent, you digressed.
“But when it comes to business, he’s fair and when someone hurts the people he cares about, he’s merciless. He has a good heart, it’s just encased under a very thick layer of stone.” When he didn’t look convinced, you continued.
“In fact, he wants this gem for a woman. She’s special to him and its her birthday in a few days. She’s a hunter, by the way, she saves lives. So, even if you don’t want to sell to Sylus because he’s probably half demon, you should sell it to her. You know, by proxy.” The argument was a stretch but you couldn’t help your rambling.
“You are the spitting image of your mother.”
The comment caught you off-guard.
“You think so?”
“I knew your mother when she was your age. She used to sing live at a bar I frequented with my friends. It was a simpler time, before wanderers attacked. I was head over heels in love with her, and I knew she felt the same way about me. But, she got wrapped up with the wrong guy, a real bad man, and it took finding out she was pregnant with you to break it off with him.” He recounted his past as he continued to search his drawers for something, when he came back to the couch in front of yours, he handed you a photo.
It was of your mother, except she was much younger. She was on a stage performing, a part of her life she never told you about. She looked happy and was glowing with the kind of ethereal beauty that never dwindled with time. He was right, you looked a lot like her.
“Can I keep this?” You looked up at the man, and he gave you a small nod.
“Of course. You know, I offered to help her when I found out, said I’d raise the baby as my own, but she told me I was destined for more than she could give me. Said she had to do this on her own. She was stubborn but she loved boundlessly, Y/N, just like you.”
You were confused, this man hadn’t known you for very long, how could he know such a thing? “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know what that Sylus man has done to deserve your adoration, but I can tell you love him. And for you to come here on his behalf to convince me to sell him the rarest gem in the world for another woman? You truly do have your mother’s heart.”
His words sprouted doubt and introspection. Why were you trying so hard to get Sylus such a romantic gift when it was meant for someone else? Were you secretly a masochist?
“If it’s alright with you Y/N, I’d love to get to know you. Your mother was my first love, and it’s nice to have someone to talk to about her.”
You gave him the sincerest smile you could come up with. “I’d like that. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about her either.”
“As for the gem, I’ll sell it to you but only if you promise to love a man who will go to these lengths for you, not someone else.”
“I promise.” You’d promise to try, at least. You told the man, who you now knew was Dr Jeffery Hunt the geologist, that you needed to get back to work. You exchanged contact information with a promise to catch up later and trade stories about your mom.
You left the house with the rarest gem in the world in one hand, and an infinitely more valuable picture of your mother in the other.
___________
You walked toward your office where Luke and Kieran should have been to find the door slightly ajar. You stopped just outside the door when you heard Sylus’s voice from inside your office.
“You sent Y/N to get the gem? Was the task too difficult for the two of you?” You tried to sympathise with the twins, but it was kind of funny to see Sylus berate someone else for once.
“The owner said he wouldn’t sell to Onychinus—” Kieran’s attempt at an explanation was shot down instantly.
“So you pick some random person off the street and send them in instead. You don’t send the girl the gem is for to go retrieve her own present. You have completely ruined the surprise.”
Wait, what?
“No, it’s fine, we sent Y/N not Miss Hunter.”
“Miss Hun— why would you assume it’s for her?” The question hung in there for an uncomfortable moment, after all you assumed the same thing.
“Her birthday’s in a few days.” Luke timidly added.
“How do you know that?”
“It’s in the shared calendar.”
“Fuck.”
With your ear plastered shamelessly against the door, you smiled to yourself. He had a bad habit of putting personal events in the shared calendar.
“The gem was for Y/N. Thanks to you imbeciles I have to figure something else out.”
Why was the gem for you? Was it poisonous? You started down at the velvet box in your hand and wondered if the gem was secretly a teeny tiny bomb.
“Is it Y/N’s birthday soon too?” Kieran’s question offended you. Your birthday was in March and both he and Luke were at your celebratory birthday dinner last year.
“No, that’s in March. It’s to celebrate her 3rd year with Onychinus. Although now I’m wondering if your time here has come to an end.” It was kind of sadistic, but it was comforting to know that Sylus threatened other people’s job security over minor inconveniences too.
“No! Please, we promise we’ll make it up to you.”
You stopped listening to the conversation as you opened the box in your hand. The gem glistened under the artificial lights as questions fired off in your brain. He wanted to give this gem to you? How did he even remember the day you started at Onychinus? And he knew your birthday?
Before you could search for the answers, the sound of footsteps approaching the door made you panic. You tried fruitlessly to escape the long hallway but Sylus stormed out before you could.
“I um, got that gem for you.” You pretended you weren’t eavesdropping and held the gem out to him, but he pushed it back toward you.
“Thanks. I was going to have it turned into a necklace, but since the cat’s out of the bag, you can decide what to do with it.” He clearly knew you’d heard everything and gave the twins a pointed glare as they scurried out of your office.
“It’s really too much. Most employers get their employees a gift card or something.” You tried to hand it back again, but he was unrelenting.
“I’m not most employers, and you definitely aren’t most employees.” The loaded compliment made you bite back a smile.
“In that case, a necklace would be nice. I have a photo of my mom when she was my age, she wore a necklace with a similar looking gem. Do you think you could find someone who can copy the design? It would mean a lot. I’d pay for it, of course.” You kept the photo in your wallet now, it quickly became one of your favourites. When you passed the photo to him, he looked at it for far longer than necessary.
“Consider it done, and your money’s no good with me. Save it for something else.” He paused for a moment, took a photo of the necklace on his phone and returned the photograph. “I see where you get your beauty from.” The comment was so nonchalant and inconsistent with Sylus’s usual dialogue that you were left speechless. Your heart battered against your ribcage as if it were trying to escape and mount itself onto him instead. Traitorous organ.
You watched him turn around and walk toward his office. The sight of him walking away from you brought back memories of that day in the graveyard and what you’d said to Sylus before he left.
“You can judge me all you want, but it won’t change the fact that when you die, no one will mourn you.”
The guilt was eating away at your conscience, and you knew you had to let him know that you didn’t mean what you said. Especially not now.
“Sylus, wait.” He stopped just as his hand reached the doorknob of his office door and looked up at you expectantly.
You raked your mind for the right thing to say, and Sylus didn’t make a sound as you prolonged the silence.
“If you died, I’d mourn you.” And you meant it. You maintained eye contact despite the urge to look away from his intense gaze in an attempt to convey your sincerity.
He shook his head with a slight chuckle in response, and walked into his office wordlessly.
You figured he hadn’t given what you said a second thought. It was foolish to think you could ever hurt the impenetrable Sylus’s feelings. You weren’t even sure he had feelings.
But, unbeknownst to you, when Sylus closed the door behind him, he felt himself let out a breath that alleviated a pressure in his chest he didn’t know he’d been carrying. What you’d said to him in the graveyard weighed on him like an uncomfortable tumour.
Sylus knew you were right, but the idea of no one caring for him never bothered him before, not until you said it. It dawned on him that the only person who’s idea of him actually affected how he thought of himself was yours.
Late-November
“Finish up, we have a reservation at six.” At the sound of your boss’s voice, you looked up from your computer screen. Your eyes were watery from staring at the ledger for hours but you still couldn’t reconcile the $15.70 that was missing. It was driving you insane.
“Was there a meeting I forgot existed?” The calendar looked empty from where it stood on your second monitor. Well, it was empty now that Sylus deleted the shared calendar event for Miss Hunter’s birthday which should’ve been yesterday.
“No, it’s just us. I’m taking you to dinner. Now hurry up.” You couldn’t help the frown on your face. There was surely an ulterior motive.
“Taking me to dinner? Are you asking me out on a date?” You were teasing; hell would freeze over before Sylus would ask anyone out on a date. Though, maybe he already had, after all he was busy yesterday…
“Don’t be ridiculous. We’re celebrating your third year with Onychinus. As an employer I believe rewarding long-term employees can strengthen their loyalty to the company.” He regurgitated the words like they were toxic.
“You stole that from the last issue of Forbes magazine. I would know since I was the one who gave you the article.” It was titled ‘Ten foolproof ways to make your employees like you’ and you thought it would be funny to leave it on Sylus’s desk.
“And I’m responding to your feedback like number 4 on that list suggested. Now, do you want to go to this dinner or should I ask someone else?”
You quickly scrambled out of your seat, you couldn’t miss out on a chance to see Sylus actively try to be a regular boss. Who could say no to dinner and a show?
“No, no, I’ll go.” You grabbed your bag off of the floor and followed Sylus out of the building. You asked him a series of questions about where you were going, when you’d be back, if you were getting paid for the time you were forced to spend with him, but he answered none of them.
Sylus was driving for all of 2 minutes before you began to draft an appreciation letter to the inventor of seatbelts in your head.
“You know, you may be harder to kill than a regular person, but I will die if you crash this car.” Pleading for your life in an expensive sports car was not how you expected to go.
“It’s a little early in the night for your theatrics, Y/N.” Sylus’s deadpan tone did nothing to soothe your concerns as he turned yet another sharp corner with aggressive speed.
“It’s also a little early in my life to die.” You unhelpfully added.
“Relax, will you? I’ve never crashed before.”
Well, there’s a first time for everything. You thought as you tightly gripped the handle of the door. You found yourself suddenly missing the middle-aged man who would grouchily drive you to and from work. At least he drove like he valued his life.
_______
When you arrived to the place in one piece you felt severely under dressed. Sylus was wearing his regular attire, a suit without the tie, and you were dressed in linen pants and a turtleneck. Sylus never enforced a business dress code, though in that moment you found yourself wishing he did.
The restaurant was multi-level and sat at the top of a mountain. The exterior screamed affluence and you were sure everyone who dined there was in a different tax-bracket. Sylus reserved a table on the rooftop which unfortunately meant you had to ascend four levels in your mediocre outfit that made you stick out like a sore thumb.
When you eventually reached your table, you quickly hid in your seat. While it was unrealistic to assume anyone would pay you any attention but your embarrassment was usually irrational. Nor, did it help that Sylus naturally made heads turn wherever he went. He was freakishly tall and unnervingly handsome; next to him anyone struggled to look attractive.
“You’re in a rush. Hungry?” Sylus asked across from you as you buried your face in the menu. You didn’t feel like explaining how being out with him made you feel insecure, so you forewent a response.
The waiter quickly returned with a bottle of wine. Of course Sylus’s favourite wine was known universally. Why wouldn’t it be? He practically ruled the N109 Zone.
“Thanks, she’ll have a mojito.” Before you could tell the waiter not to bring you your favourite cocktail, he was gone.
“I’m not drinking.” Your protest fell on deaf ears. “Drinking with your boss is like number 1 on the list of things you shouldn’t do if you value your job.”
“You don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of me, Y/N. You’ve done that plenty of times sober.” Sylus smirked as he made the dry joke and you held back the urge to step on his foot under the table.
Never mind. You needed a drink pronto.
“Asshole.” You muttered under your breath.
“What was that?”
“Artichokes! I said the artichoke salad looks good.” You could tell Sylus wasn’t convinced, but he dropped the matter anyway.
“Order whatever you’d like.”
“There’s no prices on the menu.” You flipped it around every which way but not a single price appeared.
“Sweetheart, the people who can afford to dine here aren’t too concerned with prices. Don’t worry and order what you wish.”
Aw, how sweet. Sylus thought you enquired about the prices because you were concerned about overspending. As if. You knew that man’s financials inside and out, if anything, you wanted to order the most expensive things on the menu.
“Jeez, my bad Mr One-Percent.” Your joke was not well received.
“Can we have one night without your incessant sarcasm?” The plea sounded genuine, but it was denied.
“We could, but that’s no fun.”
“I find you painfully unfunny, Y/N.” You smiled to yourself at his blatant lie. Everyone found you funny.
Before you could think of a retort, Sylus pulled out a large velvet box and slid it toward you on the table.
“What’s this?”
“The necklace.”
You opened it up eagerly and the sight of it brought pure bliss to your heart. It was exactly like the one your mother wore, and it was even more beautiful in person.
“It’s perfect. Thank you.” Feeling slightly remorseful for your attitude prior to the gift-exchange, you gave him a sheepish smile.
Sylus watched you lift it up to put it on, but quickly interjected. “Allow me.” He stood up, walking toward your seat. Flushed, you clumsily turned around so your back was facing him. You felt goosebumps on your skin when his cold hands bunched your hair away from your neck, the tips of his fingers leaving a trail of wired nerves in their wake.
You took your hair from his hand to hold it up, the mere feeling of your fingers brushing his gave you heart palpitations. The act was way too intimate, and despite how it good it felt to have him so close, your brain knew it was safest to pray it would be over soon.
When Sylus was done he spun you around to face him and shamelessly observed his handiwork. “It looks good.” Your brain short-circuited the moment your eyes met his, so you sat in front of him in complete silence.
The moment was rudely interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice.
“Sylus? Y/N? Fancy seeing you here!” You both turned to the source of the voice to see Miss Hunter in a beautiful baby blue gown. As if you didn’t feel bad enough about your choice in attire. You began to smile until you noticed that the arm linked with hers belonged to your mortal enemy. Dr Zayne.
You got up to greet them, despite your primal urge to push Zayne off the roof, but Sylus beat you to it. “Miss Hunter, always a pleasure.” You tried not to gag at the sight of Sylus being so gentlemanly. It became particularly hard when he kissed the top of her hand.
“I didn’t know you knew Dr Zayne.” The comment slipped out of Sylus’s tense smile with a twinge of what you thought was hostility. Was he jealous that she was with Dr Zayne? Were you jealous that he was jealous? Are you in a soap opera?
“Oh, he’s a childhood friend andmy doctor! I’m very lucky. How do you know him?” Before you could whisper to Sylus to make up some excuse, he was firing off information about your personal life to the last two people you wanted to discuss your personal life with.
“He was Y/N’s mother’s doctor.” Everyone went tense, everyone except for Miss Hunter, of course.
Your eyes followed her as she turned to you, praying she wouldn’t ask about your mother’s health. Instead, she praised your nemesis. “He’s brilliant, isn’t he?”
You wanted to scream in protest. You wanted to swing a chair into Dr Zayne’s head, and then use the broken scraps to beat him to a pulp. But you opted to force a painful smile instead.
“He’s definitely something.” You looked right at Zayne, hoping he’d understand the implications of your backhanded compliment.
“Well, we were just here to celebrate my birthday yesterday, but the hostess said it was all booked out and silly Zayne forgot to make a reservation. We just came up to the rooftop to get some pictures, but you guys should enjoy your dinner!” Miss Hunter’s polite dismissal was the perfect opportunity to end the painfully awkward interaction and move on with your night.
“Thanks.” You were about to return to your seat when Sylus decided to continue with his commitment to ruining your life.
“You guys should join us, the more the merrier, right Y/N?”
The question you had no idea how to answer only poked at the jar of pent up murderous rage you were trying to suppress. It wasn’t like you were subtle about your hatred for the Doctor, why the hell was Sylus inviting them to stay?
“Right.” You couldn’t have sounded less sincere if you tried, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You had to focus on making it out of this building without a homicide charge.
When Miss Hunter happily agreed, Sylus quickly waved down a waiter and made them transform your two-seater table into a four-seater. Unfortunately for you, the seating arrangements somehow ended up with you next to Zayne and Sylus next to Miss Hunter .
Zayne could feel the hostility radiating off of you in waves, but he was too scared to do anything about it.
“Happy birthday, by the way.” You offered Miss Hunter the nicety, since she was really the only innocent person at the table. Your unfounded hatred for her took the back-burner when Zayne was around.
“Thanks, Y/N. I love your necklace, where did you get it?” Yet another question you didn’t know how to answer. If this was how the entire night was going to be you might as well cut your losses and take your chances with jumping off the roof.
“It’s um, custom made.” You avoided Sylus’s glare.
“Well it’s beautiful.” You couldn’t help but smile at her compliment. Her sunshine-y attitude could rival yours.
“Sylus knows the guy who made it, I’m sure he could get one for you too.” You glanced at him only to see him quirk an eyebrow at your response. Was he seriously mad? You were practically the world’s greatest wingwoman.
When Miss Hunter turned to look at him, he quickly shut her down. “He retired right after making that piece, actually. Something about getting arthritis.”
He was definitely lying. You weren’t sure why he was gatekeeping this jeweller and you never got the chance to ask.
“Oh, that’s unfortunate. Hey Zayne, you’ve been awfully quiet. Say something!” Miss Hunter gave him a playful push on the shoulder as she teased him. The sight would’ve been adorable if it weren’t for satan’s incarnate sitting inches away from you.
“Yeah Zayne, how was work? Steal anymore hearts lately?” You asked the deceivingly innocuous question while breaking apart a piece of bread. The double-entendre was like a secret you both shared; though the idea of sharing anything with that waste of space made you inscrutably angry.
Sylus silently observed the interaction with curiosity. Your passive-aggressiveness was a trait he thought you only reserved for him. You were always nice, to everyone. Seeing you treat Zayne so coldly was like witnessing a beaver play the piano. It was unnatural.
“Work went as well as expected.” Zayne’s clipped reply left no room for further discussion. The conversation came to do a lull, and you took it as the opportunity to excuse yourself to the bathroom. You immediately beelined away from the table that currently situated your nightmare blunt rotation and toward the women’s bathroom that was positively Zayne-free.
The bathroom was just as extravagant as the rest of the restaurant but you didn’t get to admire it before you splashed water on your face in an attempt to cool down. There was no way you could last an entire dinner next to Zayne. Maybe you could say you were feeling sick. Probably a bad idea when he’s a doctor. Work emergency wasn’t plausible, your boss was at the table. What if you just ran away? You could live with the shame and embarrassment.
You looked up at the ceiling and silently cursed the heavens for your terrible luck. Seriously, you must’ve been a serial killer in your past life to deserve this fate. It was a never-ending series of unfortunate events, and you were desperate for a break.
When you eventually left the bathroom, Zayne was standing right outside the door. He startled you, but the moment the shock wore off your face morphed into a deadly glare.
“Look, I know you think I’m a terrible person but—”
“Monster is the term I’d use, but go on.” You rudely interrupted Zayne. He chose not to acknowledge your comment.
“I rarely get to spend time with MC and I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t ruin her birthday dinner because of me.” It didn’t take long for you to realise that MC must’ve been Miss Hunter’s first name.
Zayne ruined everything he touched, he needed no help from you.
“I’m sorry, does the fact that I’m angry at you for letting my mother die put a damper in your dinner plans?”
“Yes it does, actually.” Zayne responded quickly. He either didn’t understand sarcasm or was an even bigger dick than you thought.
“Then might I suggest you take her someplace else. It’s your fault you couldn’t get a table here. Why should I have to suffer because your incompetence knows no bounds?” You couldn’t think of a time you’d insulted someone so much in such quick succession. Dr Zayne brought out the worst in you, but you could reflect on your actions later. Right now you were at war.
“We are perfectly capable of having an amicable dinner.”
You rolled your eyes at his condescending tone. “You might be, I’m not that mature.”
“Y/N. We’re both adults.” He pleaded.
“Bite me.”
Before Zayne could open his mouth again, Sylus interrupted.
“Everything all good here?” For once in your life, you were grateful for Sylus’s interruption.
“No.” You said.
“Yes.” Zayne also said, at the exact same time.
“Zayne you should head back to the table. Miss Hunter's waiting for you.” Zayne didn’t think twice before taking the out and you internally flipped off his retreating form.
Sylus grabbed you by the forearm, his grip tight as he dragged you to a secluded part of the rooftop and away from the bathrooms.
“What’s going on with you?” He asked the moment you stopped moving, his hand still gripping onto your arm like a vice.
“Can you let go? You’re hurting me.” He quickly released you, his eyes washing over with something you couldn’t recognise as you soothed the part he’d rubbed raw.
“Why are you acting so childish?” His question would've angered you had you not been angry already.
“I hate his guts.” The response did not help your case, but you weren’t very articulate when you were upset.
“What did he do to you?” Sylus’s eyes narrowed, and he spoke in a low tone that was laced with danger. You didn’t think too much of his strange reaction, Sylus acting strange was pretty much the only consistent thing in your life lately.
You gnawed on your lip, unsure of how to respond. Your grievance against the world-renowned doctor was one you’d always kept to yourself. After all, everyone had nothing but praise for the brilliant Dr Zayne.
“Y/N, if he touched you I’ll—” Your eyes quickly widened in shock at his interpretation.
“No! Nothing like that. It’s just, a few days before my mom died, a heart came in that was a match. But there was this other guy who was younger and needed it just as badly. The policy was that the hospital's medical board would vote on who got the heart and the entire board, Zayne included, unanimously agreed that the heart should go to the other guy.” They said it wasn't personal, that it had everything to do with survival rates, but there was no way to detach personhood from medicine.
You realised that when you said it out loud, your hate seemed unfounded. “I know it wasn’t entirely his fault, but he didn’t even try to give my mom a fighting chance. He didn't say anything to sway them, he just silently agreed. He was supposed to be her advocate.” The frustration began to boil over, and before you knew it there were tears welling up in your eyes.
“God, I spent every last dollar of my paycheque to make sure she got the greatest medical care money could buy. Everyone said he was the best, but when it really mattered, he did nothing for her. I was such an idiot.” There was an uncontrollable fountain of tears streaming down your face, and you were grateful for Sylus’s decision to drag you to somewhere secluded.
The familiar tendrils of an oncoming panic attack began to wash over you as you began to hyperventilate. No matter how much you wanted to blame Dr Zayne, or the universe, or your shitty luck, the only person you could really blame was yourself. You sent her to that hospital, you convinced her to hold on for a transplant, you spent her last months on this Earth slaving away in another city instead of by her side. There was no way to get that time back.
“Y/N, look at me. It’s not your fault.” Sylus’s voice was like a beacon of light that led you through the dark tunnel you were trapped in. He cradled your face in his hands, wiping away your tears as they continued to stream down your face. But when your tears showed no signs of slowing, he pulled you into his arms, his hands holding your tear-stricken face against his chest.
He ran his long fingers through your hair as he whispered everything you wanted to hear. "It’s not your fault. It’s okay to hate him. It will get easier."
You weren’t sure how long you spent with your face buried in his chest, but by the time you’d returned to reality, his white dress shirt was slightly transparent where your tears soaked through the material.
You laughed a little at the sight, and the corners of Sylus’s lips raised ever so slightly at the sound. When he saw you were okay, Sylus began to speak. “Don’t move. I’ll grab your bag and we’ll get out of here.”
Before he could leave you tugged on the sleeve of his suit jacket. “Hey, I’m sorry I ruined your dinner.” You truly were. Sylus did not deserve to be subjected to yet another one of your meltdowns, but he seemed to have a habit of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.
“No it's my fault, I ruined it by inviting them to join us. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Sylus then manoeuvred through the restaurant toward the nightmare table. When he returned with your bag in one hand and the other outstretched toward you, your heart skipped a beat. Or two. He played the role of the knight-in-shining-armour quite seamlessly, and he looked every bit the handsome prince charming. You tried to remind yourself why it was so dangerous to be attracted to a force like Sylus, but when he smiled at you like you were the only two people in the room, all caution was thrown to the wind.
_____________
In the spirit of making things up to you, you made Sylus take you to a restaurant of your choosing. It was a hole-in-the-wall dumpling place that charged so little one would question if they were serving real meat. But you never found better dumplings, so you took the risk anyway.
The dynamic was completely subverted as you sat on the table that was slightly sticky with cheap cleaning chemicals. Sylus was the one who looked out of place, his suit was unarguably the most expensive thing in the room and it brought joy to your miserable night to see him out of his comfort zone.
“How did you find this place?” The question was warranted, other than you two, the only other occupants in the restaurant were a few middle-schoolers.
“I used to come here a lot with my friends in high school.”
“Did they all die from food poisoning?” Sylus seemed proud of his quick-witted joke. You gave him a pointed glare to convey just how unfunny that joke was.
“Funny, but no. We just drifted apart after we graduated.” The clipped reply shut down any further inquiry. You thought back to the fond memories you had in that restaurant. Things were different when you didn’t yet know the cost of failure; before you knew what you’d be losing. And while everyone may have moved on from this small town in the N109 Zone, you never left.
“Do you even have any friends?” You choked on your drink at the question. He was genuinely asking and the worst part was, you really didn’t.
Your constant struggle to make ends meet and maintain a high GPA for your academic scholarships made it impossible to have a social life. It didn’t help that you went to a college you couldn’t afford. It was hard to find people to relate to when everyone had grown up with silver spoons. Then after you graduated you landed at Onychinus, and it wasn’t exactly a friendly environment.
“Of course I have friends.” Your lie was a feeble attempt to preserve the last of your dignity. Sylus had seen you at your absolute worst, but there was something extremely dehumanising about letting him know you were insanely lonely.
“Really, who?” His genuine surprise only made your insecurity worse.
“You don’t have to sound so shocked. Plus, you wouldn’t know them.”
“Try me.” Of course he wouldn’t drop it. When has Sylus ever let something go?
“Well, there’s Mr Demir, and Luke and Kieran, and my newly acquired friend Dr Hunt.” In a desperate attempt to keep up your lie, you pretty much just named all the people you knew.
“Y/N, that’s the man who sells you your sandwiches, my assistants, and a geologist who sold you a gem.”
“Has anyone ever told you that no one likes a know-it-all?”
“I think you should get out more. Maybe tone down the sarcasm and you might just make a friend or two.” Your jaw-dropped in faux shock at his unsolicited advice.
“You’re one to talk, your best friend is a mechanical crow.” You snuck a dumpling off of his plate while he was distracted.
“I don’t need friends, they’re unnecessary burdens.” He took a swig of his beer. You thought he’d burst into flames if he drank anything other than red wine, but he adapted to his surroundings with little effort.
You put a hand on your heart as if in pain and jokingly gave him a solemn look.“Then why would you wish such a cruel fate onto me?”
“Because I hate seeing you this miserable, Y/N.” The amusement from your banter died a quick death at his confession. You thought you kept it together most of the time, though bawling your eyes out in the N109 Zone’s hottest restaurant probably didn’t do that facade any good. But for the most part, you handled the death of your mother relatively well.
“I’m not miserable. Not all of the time at least. Like right now, I’m only mildly annoyed!” You tried to change the topic the only way you knew how, with humour, but Sylus wasn’t budging.
“You take care of everyone but yourself and all it’s done is isolate you. There needs to be a give and take, sweetheart. People don’t like feeling useless.” He spoke to you softly, as if he was scared the timbre of his voice would cause you to shatter into a million pieces.
There was a sinking feeling in your stomach that followed his oddly specific guidance. He seemed to know more about you than you thought he did, and you were torn between feeling seen and feeling judged.
“That’s sound advice. Guess you’ve been reading more magazines.” You were grasping at straws, willing to try anything to get the unwanted spotlight off of your inadequacies.
“You also need to learn how to accept help without downplaying your problems.”
“Okay, okay. You sound like my mother. Has her soul possessed you?” There you go Y/N. Play the dead mom card, that’ll work.
He chuckled at your joke. You knew he found you funny.
“You don’t know when to quit, do you?”
“Yeah, the manufacturers didn’t include an off-switch. No refunds, sorry.” You stuffed a dumpling in your mouth as the tension subsided.
“Oh, I’m not returning you, sweetheart. They’ll have to pry you from my cold dead hands.” While you knew he was probably referring to the value you brought his company as his accountant, you couldn’t stifle the butterflies that wreaked havoc in your stomach.
You didn’t move when Sylus’s car stopped outside your house.
“Thanks for tonight, I had fun. Sorry it didn’t go to plan.” You turned to him after you unbuckled your seatbelt and the tight confines of the car felt even smaller.
“It’s fine, I liked this version of events better anyway.” His low voice reverberated through the small distance between you, nestling in your heart that was beating unhealthily fast.
“Me too. Next time you take a girl to dinner you ought to let her know if she’s supposed to dress like she’s going to the met gala.” Your advice had a bitter undertone because part of you still wished you could be the only girl he’d take to dinner.
“I usually do, but this particular girl doesn’t need a fancy dress to be the most beautiful girl in the room.” The candid compliment made the butterflies do summersaults, and while their gymnastics routine continued, you found yourself at a loss for words.
“Goodnight, Y/N.” Sylus leaned over the centre console and opened the door for you, completing the chivalrous act of opening the door for you in his own unique fashion. He was so close, all it would take was one small move and his lips could’ve been on yours.
“Goodnight.” You barely got the word out through the sudden bout of breathlessness you were experiencing. And when you were finally encased in the familiar four walls of your home, you thought about every moment you shared with Sylus and how different he seemed from the man you knew before.
The weekend passed by in a blur. The necklace that looked like a carbon copy of your mom’s was nestled on your neck. A permanent reminder that made ‘Operation Sylus: No More’ infinitely harder to achieve.
Perhaps you shouldn’t have asked him to stop being a dick, because what you thought would be an easy feat was beginning to feel like climbing a mountain with a peak you couldn’t even see.
You were staring at the list on your notes app on your brand new phone in hopes of searing it into your memory.
Operation Sylus: No More
The foolproof guide of getting rid of all feelings Sylus related by the end of November.
Step 1: avoid Sylus and all thoughts of him at all costs.
Step 2: no more funny jokes, his laugh is seriously deadly.
Step 3: force yourself to remember Miss Hunter in moments of weakness. She’s the one he really wants.
Step 4: try to find love elsewhere, like the corner shop owner, he may be in his 50s and happily married but he’s kind of a silver-fox!
Step 5: do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be alone with Sylus for too long.
You violated step 5 that Friday when you let him take you to dinner and you were reaping the consequences of your mistake. There was no way you could survive the free-fall if you couldn't get your heart to obey your mind. The disconnect between the two vital organs might be the thing that kills you.
When you heard something shatter in the hallway, you quickly put your phone down and went out to investigate.
The door opened to Mephisto standing on a side table where an empty vase used to sit. The vase was now on the floor in pieces in front of your feet.
“You did this on purpose.” You pointed an accusing finger at the bird, but all he did was tilt his head to the side as if he couldn’t understand you. You knew he could understand you perfectly well.
The cold war between you two started in your first week at Onychinus when he would swoop at your head spontaneously for no reason. Sylus told you he did it to everyone he didn’t trust and that he’d be over it in due time, but you were too vindictive to let it slide.
Several back-and-forth pranks later, the bird seemed to have remembered the tradition you managed to forget. “If this is your way of saying you miss me then you take an awful lot after your owner.” Your words faded as you made your way to the kitchen to find the broom. However, upon your return you saw that the floor was flawless and the door to your office was closed.
You rushed in with unparalleled speed to see your worst nightmare; Sylus leaning against your desk in his usual model-like fashion with your phone in his hand.
Panic coursed through you like never before as you remembered what had been left open on your phone when you set it down and the painful fact that you left it unlocked.
Prayers for a sinkhole to open up and consume you in that very moment went unanswered as Sylus looked up at you with a smirk on his face.
“Is my laugh really deadly?” He looked amused.
Come on sinkhole. Anytime now.
When you didn’t answer, Sylus moved toward you. When he was close enough to touch you, he leaned down to make sure your eyes were on his.
“Your deadline is fast approaching, Y/N. Care for a progress report?” The taunting question made heat rush to your face.
“It was stupid, I wrote it months ago.”
“Then why did you have it open?”
You couldn’t exactly tell him that his willingness to change his cold and cruel demeanour just to keep you as his accountant revived the feelings you thought were long dead. You definitely couldn’t tell him that the necklace that suddenly weighed down your chest made your heart skip a beat every time you touched it. And there was no way you were telling him that the dinner you shared was the happiest you’d felt in a long time.
“I was going to delete it when I heard Mephisto break something in the hallway.”
“Delete it? Guess you don’t need it anymore.”
“Nope.” You popped the P on the word for emphasis. “Can I have my phone back now?” He placed the device into your outstretched hand.
“So how do you feel about me now, sweetheart?”
You tried your best to appear unperturbed by his taunting. “Mad at your blatant violation of my privacy.”
“Forgive me. I saw my name on your phone when I went to check in on you and I was curious.”
“Mephisto told you I broke the vase, didn’t he?”
“Don’t deflect. Do you still have feelings for me?”
“No, they’re gone. Can we please drop this? It’s embarrassing.” You lied in favour of self-preservation and hoped he wouldn’t be able to see through your act.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, Y/N. Many women confess their love for me every month.” You rolled your eyes at his ardent display of over-confidence and narcissism, though you knew he wasn’t exaggerating.
“Okay, brace yourself there bachelor. No one said anything about love.” It was true, you never said you loved him. Whether or not you did, well that was a secret you’d take to the grave.
“So then which feeling are we discussing?” The loaded question came out of his mouth so casually, like someone ordering a latte. A display of power that reminded you of just how little this mattered to him.
Your feet felt like they were grounded in their place by an invisible force and you were sure your cheeks were beet red. You knew your mouth was slightly agape in shock, but you couldn’t even close it. Meanwhile, Sylus was unfazed, treating your feelings like a game.
“Since when do you even care about how I feel?” The sudden outburst was accompanied by your hand running through your hair out of frustration.
Sylus’s jaw clenched and for a moment he said nothing. There was no hint of amusement left on his features.
“You think I don’t care about you?” He seemed irritated by the premise, but you couldn’t figure out why. You thought Sylus was proud of his clear disregard for other people’s emotions.
“You treated me like gum stuck to the bottom of your boot for years. What reason did you give me to think otherwise?”
“I don’t know, maybe the fact that I pay you more than my highest ranking footmen. Or that I had Mephisto tail you when you used to bike to and from work to make sure you got home safe. Hell, I invented the lunch budget when I hired you just to make sure you were eating— I even banned mushrooms from my kitchen in case you wanted to eat here. Not to mention the bullshit extra work I’d assign you just so you would stay longer.”
Choosing not to dwell on the implication of his silent acts of kindness, you interjected. “Hey, I took those tasks seriously!” The twins thought you were crazy when you asked if Sylus was making those assignments up. You knew you were right.
“Don’t interrupt me.” Your mouth clamped shut at his rather reasonable request. Sylus wasn’t a big talker, so when he monologued, it was important.
“Your kindness, your humour, it all caught me off guard. No one ever treated me like you did and I had no idea how to feel. The little doodles you sent back to me on the notes I left you delineating tasks? I kept every last one. When Mephisto complained to me about that time you put corn-starch in his water fountain and almost destroyed his wiring, all I could do was laugh. I treated you like I treated all my men because I didn’t want people to find out that you were my weakness.”
You swallowed the lump in your throat, but the pressure wasn’t budging. There was so much you didn’t know about Sylus, so much you completely misunderstood. This revelation caused a series of chain reactions to go off inside your brain and the weight of what he was trying to say felt suffocating.
You dreamed of a time where Sylus would reciprocate your feelings, but the reality of it was more daunting than you realised.
“All my threats are empty with you, Y/N. You’re the only one who gets away with the attitude you give me. You tell me you crashed a car worth over half-a-million dollars and all I could think about was if you were okay. I even offered to buy your house for way more than it was worth just to get you back. Do you seriously think I don’t care?”
All sound came to a stifling halt.
“Wait, you were the ‘developer’?”
The inklings of betrayal wove their way through your skin as the pieces began to fall into place. The timing of the eviction notice, the fact that he’d shown up at your house the day you received it, the way he was so quick to agree to the ridiculous bonus.
He manipulated you like a puppet on a string and let you think you were in control the entire time.
“Don’t look at me like I’m some traitor.” His audacious demand made your blood boil.
“You are a traitor! How could you do that to me?” You yelled.
“You were going to leave me like I was nothing!” For the first time since you’d met him, Sylus raised his voice to match yours. Your entire body went cold at his vulnerability. He was afraid of being abandoned, and that was a fear you both shared.
“Not seeing you every day made my heart feel like it was being ripped out of my chest. I could barely focus, all I could think about was what you were doing, who you were with. So imagine my surprise when I come to find that while I’m being tortured every minute I’m away from you, you needed more time.
“I knew I was being selfish, I knew that your grief had nothing to do with me, but I’ve never been good at putting my feelings into words. That day in the graveyard when you wouldn’t even look at me, I thought I’d lost you for good. It ate at me like a parasite. I had to get you back and I won’t apologise for not playing fair. There isn’t a rule I wouldn’t break for you, Y/N.”
It was hard to hate him for what he did when you understood where he was coming from. You were two sides of the same coin. While you overcompensated for the lack of love in your life by becoming the ultimate people-pleaser, he avoided it at every turn, saw it as a weakness. But at the core of every human being was an innate desire to be loved and an inherent fear of being abandoned.
People couldn’t leave your life if you never let them in. That was a philosophy you saw both your mother and Sylus live by. It was lonely and difficult, and if you had the power of hindsight you would’ve tried harder to convince your mother she was worthy of love. You couldn’t make that same mistake again.
You loved Sylus, that much was ingrained into the flesh of your heart. For all his rugged edges, he had a way of making things happen that was akin to magic. His determination, his grit, it was admirable.
His intelligence was infuriating, you couldn’t get anything past him. If he received the Greeks’ horse instead of the Trojans, you were sure he’d have seen right through their ruse.
His desire to make the N109 Zone a better place stemmed from a sense of altruism you could only hope to possess. And when Sylus did things for others, he never expected anything in return.
But for all his greatest traits he had some difficult ones too. He’d hurt you more times than you could count, and even if he’d changed drastically since your mother’s death, you couldn’t quite trust that he wouldn’t hurt you again.
“You already know how I feel about you.” You confessed. It was no secret you wore your heart on your sleeve, despite your mother’s constant reminders that the world was filled with terrible people who’d take advantage of your candour. You chose to see the good in others, it boded better than the grim lifestyle that came with perpetual pessimism.
“Then why are you fighting this?” His question came out pained, and it was one you could answer.
“I’ve loved you for a long time, Sylus. I loved you even though you insulted me, ignored me, reminded me I was replaceable every chance you got.
“I told myself it was just how you were, that it wasn’t personal. But when you walked out on me in the hospital when I needed you the most, I loved you a little less.”
Sylus felt an unfamiliar twinge in his chest, like someone took a needle to his heart. He left that hospital because he wasn’t sure you’d even want him there, and it pained him to see you so distraught over a problem he couldn’t fix. When MC came to him with an important mission in Skyhaven, he saw an out, and like the coward he was he took it. If he knew that you’d lose your mother while he was away, he never would have left your side.
“When you didn’t call until weeks later, when you showed up only to tell me I was being dramatic for grieving, I loved you even less. Every time you screwed me over you made it easier to live without you.”
It hurt to remember the pain you were in back then, the immense pressure of the burdens you carried. But if there was ever a chance of you and Sylus working out, he needed to know the truth.
“I’ve only ever loved two people, Sylus, and in one month it felt like I’d lost them both. I still love you, I’m afraid I couldn’t stop if I tried, but I don’t know if I can be more than your accountant right now.” You couldn’t survive another heartbreak, that much was for sure.
Even though Sylus looked like he was going to be sick, you continued.
“I thought I was okay with you treating me like everybody else, thought I was strong enough to take it. But when I saw you with Miss Hunter and the softness with which you spoke to her, it broke me. I saw that you were capable of being gentle. You just didn’t think I was a worthy recipient of your kindness.”
He was quick to correct you. “That’s not true, sweetheart. Not at all. She has something I need, something I can’t take with force. It’s why I’ve had to adopt unusual methods. If I’d known it was causing you so much pain I would’ve explained. Fuck, Y/N, you deserve so much more than just my kindness, more than I could ever give you. I can’t even think of a person on Earth who deserves you at all.”
When Sylus saw the tears begin to slide down your cheeks, he resisted the urge to wipe them away.
“I’ll give you anything you ask for, anything but letting you go. There’s nothing so broken it can’t be fixed, Y/N. You taught me that. Let me fix this.” He tested the waters by taking your hand in his and when you let him, he pulled you into his arms.
For a moment, the room was silent. You listened to his heartbeat through his chest and it might have been even faster than yours. It felt like deja vu, reminding you of that moment in the restaurant, or that time in his hallway after Zayne’s phone call. Sylus was there to comfort you more often than not, why were you so scared of letting him in?
“I want to believe you, I just don’t know that I can.” Your voice was small, timid. As if you were afraid something you’d say would shatter the sanctity of this moment and you’d find out it was all a dream.
“I won’t stop trying until you do, sweetheart. You’re it for me, there’s no one else.” He kissed the top of your head with a softness you didn’t know he possessed and the words were like bandages wrapping around the wounds inflicted by your own envy.
In the comfortable silence, Sylus made a vow. “I don’t have regrets — you know that quite well — but I regret the way I treated you. I’ll spend every lifetime repenting for my mistakes, Y/N, and I promise I’ll never let anything hurt you again.” He squeezed you tighter and the comfort his warmth brought you was a welcome change to the cold you lived in all the time.
Desperate to diffuse the overwhelming angst of the situation, you pulled away from his embrace and clapped your hands together. “Okay then, as of today we commence ‘Operation Sylus: The Redemption'.”
His loud laugh resounded through your office, and it was a sound you’d never get tired of hearing. He grabbed your chin. “Have you always been this corny?”
“I watch a lot of movies, okay? Now, shake on it.” You shook his hand off your face and held out your hand with an invitation that he instantly accepted. With his warm hand encasing yours, you whole-heartedly hoped this operation would be a success.
Late December
You assumed the dynamic between you and Sylus would drastically change following your impromptu heart-to-heart. But the changes came in small waves.
It started with the middle-aged man who silently drove you to and from work with a permanent scowl on his face being replaced by Sylus himself.
Then there was the sticky notes he’d usually place on documents explaining the task and deadline, now with an added addendum.
— That necklace was the best decision I’ve ever made.
— Your hair looks especially nice today.
— Did you switch perfumes? I like it.
— That new lipstick suits you. Your lips are all I can think about.
You saved all of them in a drawer at your desk.
He had someone bring you your lunch every day and spent your entire lunch break with you. Somedays you talked until your tongue felt like it was going to fall off, other days you just sat and ate together in silence. And every Friday afternoon, instead of taking you straight home, he’d take you to visit your mother’s grave with a new bouquet in his hands.
You were glad he was taking things slow. His small gestures made your heart flutter without overwhelming you, but it had been a month since your confrontation, and he didn’t even try to touch you.
While your inexperience with love, lust and romance never impacted any significant aspect of your life before, it was growing increasingly difficult to wait for Sylus to make the first move. He didn’t want to scare you, that much was understandable. But you were growing angsty waiting for him the tension between you two hit a boiling point.
The glorious plan came to you while you were shopping with Luke and Kieran for Onychinus’s annual Christmas gala. It was a networking event masked under the guise of a holiday celebration where the people hiding in the shadows of the underworld could spend one night communicating on the surface.
Every year, Sylus insisted he couldn’t outsource waiters for the event because of potential security leaks, so you, the twins and a couple other of his staff were forced to fill in as the help. Sylus told you that you wouldn’t have to participate this year, but you began to look forward to the event. It was like an unorthodox Christmas tradition.
Your eyes drifted to the costume section of the party store, and when they landed on a short red Santa’s helper dress, you felt a lightbulb turn on in your head. Maybe you had to give Sylus a little nudge.
“Hey, aren't you guys kind of bored of the slacks and the dress shirts he makes us wear?” You sowed the seed of doubt into your unwilling accomplices.
“Duh. I hate dressing like a butler.” Luke’s eyes continued to scan the aisle for decorations. The hall was professionally decorated, but you added your own little details every year. It made things less drab and it gave the twins an excuse to spend hours in the party supply store.
“What if we went with Christmas themed costumes this year?” The twins turned to look at you with confusion, but they quickly warmed up to the idea when you pointed at the wall of seasonal costumes.
“I’m Rudolph!” They made their declarations in unison before breaking out into an argument in the middle of the party store.
“Just flip a coin!” You desperately suggested, taking a coin out of your wallet and placing it on your thumb, ready to flip. People were beginning to stare.
“I’m heads!” They said in unison, again.
“Kieran you’re heads, Luke you’re tails.” You assigned them the parts of the coin alphabetically and watched it flip through the air. When it landed in your hands, it displayed tails. You silently hoped they would move on from this unnecessary battle and restore peace to your shopping trip again.
“Sorry Kieran, Luke’s Rudolph.” Kieran complained for the rest of the day about how annoying being an elf was, and how, since he was an inch taller than Luke, it only made sense for Luke to be the elf instead.
They argued like the siblings you never had, and for all the pain and suffering they caused you, there was no denying you loved having them around. Besides, working for Sylus left the three of you trauma-bonded for life. There wasn’t really an out from this unconventional friendship.
_________________
You failed to remember to clear the costume idea with Sylus before the gala. He was just so busy trying to organise the event, and you were similarly swamped with ensuring all the invoices were sent out on time to the right vendors. You barely saw each other in the days leading up to the big event.
The dress was shorter on you than you anticipated. Coming up just above mid-thigh, it was nothing like anything you owned in your closet. The little hat it came with was cute though and you pinned it to your hair. The make-up you wore was the same as your everyday makeup, barring the eyeliner you’d spent way too long trying to perfect and your lipstick.
Other than the dress, you really did look the same as you did most of the time. Would Sylus even notice?
Right on cue, a knock on your door snapped you out of your train of thought, and you took a deep breath before opening it.
As you expected, Sylus looked unfazed by your choice in attire as you moved out of the doorway to let him in.
“I see we’ve foregone the uniforms this year.” His comment was a welcome distraction from your insecurities.
“Whimsy is part of the Christmas spirit, you know.”
“It’s cute. Did you get that dress from the children’s section?”
The question came so out of left-field it left you were stunned. Once the shock settled in, you suddenly felt self-conscious.
“No… Why? Does it look childish?” You couldn’t help the vulnerability in your voice.
Sylus closed the distance between you in a few long strides, his hands were on you in an instant. His palm was holding onto your waist the other tracing alone the edge of your dress.
“Quite the opposite, I’m just wondering why they’d make a dress so short for adult women.”
“Adult women can dress however they want, Sylus.” You chided.
“I know, but I’ll have my hands full if I’m trying to host this event and take care of the hoards of men that will be chasing after my girl at the same time.” He whispered the words seductively into your ear, the hand on your thigh slipping ever-so-slightly under the dress.
You ignored the warm, fuzzy feeling that bloomed through you at the sound of Sylus calling you his girl.
“There won’t be ‘hoards of men’. This will be the third time I’m working your annual gala and I’ve only ever gotten hit on like four times.” You knew from the way his eyebrows furrowed that you shouldn’t have told him that.
“Four times? Men hit on you four times while I was in the room and you didn’t tell me?” He was clearly angry, his rage unwarranted since it happened right under his nose.
“I didn’t think you’d care. Most of them were like fifty, anyway!” That was true, and every time one of them placed a hand on your shoulder or your forearm, it made you grimace.
“If men approached you in long pants and a dress shirt with a plate of refreshments in your hand what do you think they’ll do when they see you in this get up?” He walked you back until you were standing against the wall.
He had a point. Maybe it was too suggestive.
“I can change—”
“No. You never have to do that with me, baby. Just stay where I can see you, alright?”
“Okay.” You felt a blush paint your cheeks. The tension was bubbling up between you. His hand was searing into your waist, his other one moving dangerously high on your thigh. You really thought this would be the moment he kissed you. But then the warmth of his hands was abruptly gone.
“Okay. You ready to go?” He held the door open for you. That was it? Frustrated at your lack of results, you silently walked out of your house.
__________________
“Did you see Sylus’s date?”
“Of course, she’s definitely the hottest girl here.”
“I bet she’s had work done.”
“If so, I need the name of her surgeon.”
You eavesdropped on the hushed whispers of a group of women who were gossiping in a corner near the kitchen. The second you walked through the doors of the extravagant event hall, you both went your separate ways and you hadn’t seen him since. So much for not letting you out of his sight.
All you heard about the entire night was his mysterious date and her envious beauty. He never told you he was bringing one, nor did he ever ask you to fill the spot. But before you could completely spiral, you reminded yourself of Sylus’s promise. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. There had to be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
“Now what’s a pretty girl like you doing working here?” Your train of thought was interrupted by the voice of a man. You turned around, expecting to see one of the many sleazy old men who frequented these events and saw you as an easy target, but all you saw was a young, attractive guy in a three-piece suit. Huh.
“Hors d’oeuvre?” You offered the plate to him in place of a response.
“No thanks. I’ve had my fill, though I must say, the other servers aren’t quite as easy on the eyes as you.” His eyes shamelessly scanned every inch of you, head-to-toe, and you felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his gaze.
“Oh, um thanks.” The blush on your cheeks was an unwanted biological reaction, you weren’t used to attention from men within your age range. It wasn't like you thought you were ugly, you were just a bit of a hermit.
“What’s your name, beautiful?” You were about to answer his question when someone did it for you.
“Y/N.” The voice belonged to the man of the hour who seemed to have appeared out of thin air.
“Sylus, hello. Hors d’oeuvre?” Clearly you were running out of things to say if your default reaction was to offer everyone a snack, but it was hard to find the voice to speak when you saw the girl who had her arms wrapped around his.
Miss Hunter. You should’ve known. Your eyes passed over her beautiful dress and pinned up hair. She lived up to the rumours, she was definitely the prettiest girl in the room. Next to Sylus the pair reminded you of a renaissance painting. They made sense, and clearly not just aesthetically if he brought her as his date instead of you.
Sylus saw the way your eyes trailed off to MC standing next to him. He saw the self-doubt turn your eyes glassy, and all he wanted to do was whisk you away to a private room where he could show you just how badly he wanted you, and no one else.
But his enemies were in attendance tonight, it was part of the reason he didn’t want you there. Sylus’s only weakness used to be his mortality, and even that was debatable. But now his biggest weakness was tangible, and she wore an adorable Christmas themed dress that made every man in the room brim with desire. Miss Hunter may have been the focus of all the women in attendance, but all the men could talk about was the sexy server in the little red dress. It was driving him insane.
But MC was a hunter and if he endangered her, she could get out of it unscathed without his help. Their enemies were the same, which made them perfect allies, but it also made their loved ones easy targets. Sylus would never forgive himself if he let someone hurt you. So despite the excruciating pain that coursed through him at your hurt expression, he did nothing to quell your concerns.
But he couldn’t idly stand by and let this man make a pass at you either. It was clear Henry was not aware of Sylus’s newly established no-fraternising-with-the-staff policy.
“Henry, not distracting my staff, are you?” Sylus directed his attention to his business associate. Henry ran a security company which supplied a large portion of their weaponry from Onychinus. The contract they shared was a substantial source of revenue that Sylus couldn’t afford to compromise.
“I’m just wondering where you found such delectable staff.” Sylus felt his jaw clench at the way Henry undressed you with his eyes and your consequential discomfort. Fuck the contract, he was going to make that man pay. But he couldn’t inflict his revenge quite yet, so he played nice.
“Unfortunately my staff are exclusively mine. I’m sure you understand how difficult it is to find loyal help.” Well, at least he tried to play nice. The subtle jab at Henry’s recent whistleblower scandal was a low blow, but he wasn’t above kicking below the belt.
Annoyed and slightly confused by the exchange, you rolled your eyes at the testosterone-fuelled men bickering and cleared your throat.
“I think I’m needed in the kitchen. Nice meeting you, Henry.” You gave him the kindest smile you could muster and gave Sylus no smile at all. It was the least he deserved for blindsiding you with his date.
“I should check on the catering, excuse me.” Sylus followed you to the kitchen and the second he caught up to you, he pulled you into a nearby storage closet.
There was barely any room for the both of you in there, so you were pressed up against his body. You tried to create some distance between you two, but he just pulled you back in by your waist.
“What are you doing? I’m supposed to be working and you’re supposed to be socialising. We can’t do those things from here.” You berated him quietly, your voice barely above a whisper. You didn’t really need anyone from the staff discovering you in this compromising position. You’d had enough embarrassment in one night for a lifetime.
“Miss Hunter is just here with me on business.” Sylus’s statement did little to comfort the tumultuous storm in your mind.
“I don’t care.” In a sense, it was true. It seemed your mind didn’t care whether Miss Hunter was there with him on business or not, it still hurt all the same.
“Don’t lie to me, I can tell when you’re upset.” Sylus tried to caress your cheek but you pushed his hand away.
“Okay, fine. I’m upset. Now will you let me leave?” You tried to wriggle out of his grasp but to no avail. His hand squeezed your face as he forced you to face him.
“If you’re upset, talk to me about it. Don’t antagonise me by flirting with other men. It won’t end well for them.” The fire in his eyes swore retribution and you did not want to be Henry right now.
“I wasn’t flirting!” You tried to defend yourself but you knew he’d see straight through your ruse.
“That sweet smile of yours is reserved for me and me alone.” There was no way Sylus would’ve let that over-the-top smile slide and this was exactly how you expected him to react, but it only made you more upset.
“Right, but I just have to make do with sharing you with Miss Hunter.” The irony of the situation was not lost on Sylus, but he had a laundry-list of crimes, hypocrisy was the least of them.
“I’m all yours, baby. I promise it’s just business.” He sounded sincere, and you trusted him to tell you the truth. Sylus never lied unless it was out of omission, but when you asked him a direct question, he never failed to answer honestly.
“I can help you with business.” You tried to reason, your palm resting against his pounding heart.
“Not this kind, sweetheart. I’m just trying to protect you. I need you to trust me.” You trusted Sylus with your life, with your heart. Which was why you knew you wouldn’t like the answer to the question you asked next.
“Did you sleep with her?” The mere thought of it tasted like acid on your tongue. It wasn’t like you weren’t aware of Sylus’s past, but where the other women in his life came and left like the tide, Miss Hunter’s presence was persistent.
You needed to know just how far they’d gone, even if it might destroy you.
“Yes. It was one time when we first met in September. Before I realised how I felt for you.” The words pierced straight through you like bullets of radiation. Your palm slowly slipped off of his chest and you diverted your gaze to your heels. “Y/N, you know I only want you. It meant nothing to me.”
Perhaps it wasn’t the fact that they’d slept together that hurt you so deeply. Maybe it was the way he looked at her, the way she got under his skin. Sylus may love you, but what if he wasn’t attracted to you?
The thought slipped out of you before you could mull it over. “How am I supposed to believe that when you were all over in seconds and you won’t even kiss me?!”
A hint of recognition flashed through Sylus’s eyes as he realised the catalyst behind your frustration. For some odd reason that he could never figure out, you were insecure. Even though your charm bordered on lethal and your beauty was unparalleled, you still felt inadequate. It perplexed him how someone could look so divine and not be aware of it.
“I haven’t kissed you because I wanted to make sure you were ready, sweetheart. I was worried I’d scare you away, because I’m sure if I got a taste of you I wouldn’t know how to stop.” He sounded strained when he spoke, as if he was recalling his frustration at having to hold back.
You watched him intently, his words dripped with a desire you both shared. With his body so close to yours, it was hard not to wish he’d just act on his primal instincts.
“You’re entirely unaware of your affect on me. You have no idea how precarious the string holding me back from insanity has become. When I saw you in that dress, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to hold back. But then you'd look up at me with those angelic eyes and I realise I can’t risk losing you.”
Before you could even think it through, your desire became overwhelming and your lips were on his in an instant.
It was nothing like you expected, nothing like the chaste, sweet kisses you saw in your movies. It was heated, messy, desperate. His lips ravaged yours like a man on death row devoured his last meal. You felt his desire with every movement and all the doubt you had dissipated instantly. His hands were all over you, one softly held on to your neck, while the other held on to your waist like you might disappear.
His lips moved to your cheek, your jaw and eventually the sensitive skin on your collarbone. When he bit a particularly sensitive part of your neck, you let out a whine. You hoped he hadn't given you a hickey. His face came up to yours as he looked at your lips which were red from the impact and the desire running rampant in your eyes. It might’ve been the most beautiful you’d ever looked.
“Well? I’m still here.” You whispered against his lips before giving him a chaste peck.
Sylus knew you weren’t just talking about this moment. You never left, even when he gave you a million reasons why you should. He didn’t know what he did to deserve such luck, but he knew he’d never give you a reason to walk away from him ever again.
“We should get out of here.” Somehow you knew he didn’t just mean the storage closet. He shifted to lead you out but you quickly stopped him.
“You can’t leave your own party! What about your date?” As much as the idea of MC hanging off his arm made your skin crawl, it wasn’t right to just leave her alone.
“She’ll be fine. The only woman I care about is right in front of me, and I want to do so much to her than kiss her in a storage closet.” There was an underlying promise in his tone, and you felt the slightest bit of fear that you might’ve bitten off more than you could chew.
“You’ve lasted this long, what’s one more night?” Your last ditch effort to escape the dangerous situation was unsuccessful.
“Sweetheart, I can't wait another second.” He gave you a soft, gentle kiss that conveyed his fraying restraint. Your fear felt inconsequential when he was with you, you knew you could trust him wholly with every part of you.
So, when he led you out of the storage closet and all the way to his bedroom, you never once felt scared. Or insecure. Or inadequate. Sylus worshipped you like you were his salvation and he never once let you doubt yourself again.
Later that night, as you laid in his bed underneath his covers, staring over at his peaceful sleeping expression, you realised he was your salvation too.
Christmas Day
“What’s the surprise?” You asked the same question for the umpteenth time.
“Just be patient, we’re almost there.” You let Sylus lead you through what you thought was a building while you obediently kept your eyes shut. Eventually your feet came to a halt, and you were bursting with anticipation.
“Alright, open your eyes.” When you opened them you were in the living room of a charming beach house. It was so bright it took your eyes a while to adjust, but when they did you noticed that it was decorated with splashes of your favourite shade of yellow. The large balcony doors opened to the sight of a familiar beach, and you felt a range of emotions wash over you all at once. Sadness, nostalgia, yearning.
“Merry Christmas, baby.” Sylus’s voice behind you snapped you back to reality.
“What is this place?” The awe in your voice could not be concealed.
“It’s yours. I know how much you hate being on the beach, but I also know it meant a lot to your mother. From this balcony it’ll be like you’re right there without actually being there.” He sounded almost nervous while presenting his gift to you, worried you might hate it. But there wasn’t a word that could describe the pure gratitude and love you felt for the man standing in front of you.
“You bought me a house on my mother’s favourite beach?” The disbelief in your voice was almost tangible.
“Yeah.”
“Sylus, all I got you was a pocket watch!” You thought that since you were both not very big on Christmas, you would exchange small gifts. Clearly small wasn’t a word Sylus kept in his vocabulary.
“You gave me so much more than that.” The suggestion in his voice did nothing to soothe your guilt.
“This is too much.”
“Y/N, you’re more familiar with my assets than I am, if this made a significant dent in my bank account I think you would’ve noticed when I bought it a month ago.”
“You’ve had this for a month?” The shock persisted, but he was right. His expenses ranged from a box of paperclips to the purchase of a two-hundred-million dollar industrial complex.
“Yes, I bought it the first time you asked me to take you to the beach after work.”
“But what if we didn’t work out?” A month ago that seemed like a palpable possibility, but now you couldn’t imagine your life without Sylus in it.
“I’d find a way to trick you into taking it anyway.”
You all but rolled your eyes at the memory of his less-than-graceful plan to acquire your house until you ended up working for him again.
“Right, of course. You’re quite good at that I hear.”
“I’m good at many things, I’ll remind you later.” He drawled against your ear, but before you could force him to act on his promise he spoke up again. “For now, there’s one more surprise.”
You let Sylus lead you out to the balcony with his hands on your shoulders, driving you forward. He stood behind you, his chest to your back. He pointed to a hill on the left of the house where a beautiful willow tree sat atop the beach on a cliff.
“I bought that plot of land too. I don’t want to overstep, but if you’d like, we could move your mother here. Have her final resting place be at the place she loved the most.” His voice kept you anchored as memories of your mother threatened to pull you away. It still filled your chest with overwhelming sadness when you thought of her, but the thought that she could spend forever in the place that brought her the most joy filled you with relief. You didn’t get to give your mother much, but at least Sylus helped you give her this.
You couldn’t stop the tears streaming down your face if you tried.
Sylus had come a long way from that day at the graveyard, an even longer way from the day you met him. The fact that he grew to care about your mother as much as you did made your heart swell with love for him that expanded every day. Something you didn’t even think was possible.
“She would love that.” Sylus wrapped his hands around your waist, placing an ever-so-gentle kiss on your temple. “I wish you could’ve met her when she was alive, you would’ve loved her.” They were both the strongest people you knew, and it pained you that they never got to meet.
“I’m sure I would have. After all, I am a huge fan of her work.” You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you at his cheesy joke. You were rubbing off on him, that was for sure. He peppered kisses all over the side of your face at the sound of your joyful laugh and you had to squeeze out of his grasp to make him stop.
While you wished you didn’t have to lose someone so important to you to gain another, things always had a weird way of working out. Your future was still murky, but what you did know for sure was that ’Operation Sylus: No More’ could officially be declared a massive failure. And even though the physical hole in your heart still existed, the proverbial one shrunk to half it’s size; and you had the silver-haired man with the stone-encased heart of gold to thank for that.
What I’d give for one of the Cinderella remakes to go into how when you’re in an isolated and abusive situation, sometimes you need to be saved and you’re not weak if you can’t escape by yourself
I’ve never been a fan of bad faith reinterpretations of fairy tales, especially ones which flatten the originals into “princesses is saved by a prince and nothing else”, to then go #girlboss. The princess can save herself because she’s a strong female character! (Implying if you’re in a bad situation, it’s because you’re not strong enough to get out)
Also the concept of the Prince over the course of like… a couple hours hanging out with Cinderella going from ‘Haha nice I really like you’ to ‘oh fuck i can tell from context clues alone that your home situation is FUCKED UP’ it’s good shit ‘I have just met you but ON GOD I’m gonna get you out of there beautiful mystery woman’ cinderella makes desperately yelling into the night ‘how can I find you again!??!’ when she’s taking off that much more poignant really
He’s been trained to read the room. To read the context clues. To read politics and scheming and planning and people. He’s a Prince, it’s either that or accidentally drink poison by age 15. And he reads her and …
She’s impossibly wealthy. The dress isn’t a fabric he can recognize, but it’s beaded with cut diamonds, faintly milky opals that shimmer with a rainbow, little pale aquamarines, and somewhere are little bells gently ringing with each step - he’s a Prince and he can’t afford to dress like that. The slippers ring too … there is nothing like that crafted by the hands of humans. That’s fairy stuff. She has an in with them that eclipses royal politics. She is powerful in the Old Ways.
All this wraps around the poorest woman he’s ever seen in his entire life, and he’s seen some very, very, poor people in his time.
Poor in money, but poor in “oh you poor thing!” as well. This is someone who has been robbed blind. This is someone who carried themselves waiting for the lash, for a browbeating, for harsh, cruel, abrupt, punishment.
He expects her to be haughty, or hard, or meek or… something else… but she’s just nice. She’s just … nice.
The rigid posture comes out of his back, his tongue unsticks. She’s like sitting by the embers of a low, calm, fire. He feels warmed and rested simply speaking to her. He wonders if it’s magic, and it might be, but if it is it is magic that is her own.
And that terrifies him, because he’s trained to see these things and he knows someone with a cruel hand is waiting to douse her, and snuff her, and beat the last glimmer out of her shining eyes - eyes that put that dress to shame and and and and… she’s gone.
Oh god, she’s gone. It will be all over her sweet, kind, warm face that she transgressed and … oh god they’ll kill her, whoever they are. This will embarrass them and if there’s anything he knows, it’s that you don’t humiliate someone who has power over you and walk away unscathed.
And all he has is a fairy slipper that will only ever fit her foot (it’s not merely shoe size, it’s a kind of spiritual fit as well), and the vain hope that he can keep such a bright light from burning out. It doesn’t even touch his heart that what he’s feeling is a kind of pure philia, not until it enraptures him soul to bones, all at once. Oh god, oh no, oh shit… he’s reached well above his station, but…he can try to be good and worthy.
The way he sees it, sometimes even the strongest people can be brought low and need just… a little help. She had enough in her to do whatever she had to do to free herself of those evil relations if she had to, but she shouldn’t have to. There’s no glory in blood. Sometimes it’s okay for the ending to be happily ever after.
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ranking the best things I have heard surgeons say mid-surgery:
1. "Five second rule!" while scrubbed, after dropping a sterile scalpel on the floor (no they did NOT pick it up again but I swear everyone's buttholes puckered)
2. (spoken during the closing of a particularly long and difficult case) "Nurse - my tunes." :heavy metal starts blasting:
3. Gently to a fretful patient, pre-anaesthesia: "It's going to be okay. I promise, I've dealt with worse."
As soon as the patient is unconscious: "This is literally the worst thing I've ever seen."
4. [okay this one was a med student] "Wowwww, that's so gross!!"
Reg: "Please remember that [patient] is awake for this procedure."
Student to patient: "Oh my god. I am so sorry, that was really unprofessional - "
Patient, cheerfully, also engrossed with what's happening inside them on the screen: "Nah - it's, like, super gross, right?"
5. [another procedure where the patient couldn't be put under GA] Patient: *starts singing country roads midway through the procedure*
Surgeon: *shrugs and joins in with surprisingly good harmony*
6. Elderly surgeon to the anaesthetist who is gossipping with their reg: "I need you to pretend you're in church." [weirdest way to ask people to be quiet, but whatevs]
Anaethetist's new reg with big, horrified eyes: "You mean we should start praying???"
7. Panicking rad tech: "Uhhhh my machine broke. I need to jump on this part and kick it, but I am not paid enough if I break it. Can you - "
Surgeon, casual as: "Yeah, sure."
:violently beats up the C-arm until it starts pumping out those sweet, sweet x-rays:
8. ODP to theatre assistant: "Saw the new tasche earlier. Suits you."
Theatre assistant: "Thanks! it grew on me :)"
Surgeon, pleadingly, within accidental snipping distance of the patient's spinal cord: "Guys, do NOT make me laugh."
9. Surgeon using the electrocauter, leaning over the incision and inhaling deeply: mmmmm, that smell always gets me hungry. I'm having barbeque tonight.
I think I’m literally never gonna be sick of this masterpiece. I think watching it on a loop for eight hours could fix me. Dancing’s what clears my soul. Dancing’s what makes me whole.
I just love that this very video is an accumulation of thousands of years worth of art made by people who have never met each other. The concept of this video was so completely unfathomable to every single artist who made the sculptures and yet they’ve all put something toward the creation of it.
I need to reblog this because Max Miller/Tasting History is so wonderful. The guy is charming and passionate and loves history and food so much it's infectious.
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Hey i’m a fashion design student so i have tons and tons of pdfs and docs with basic sewing techniques, pattern how-tos, and resources for fabric and trims. I’ve compiled it all into a shareable folder for anyone who wants to look into sewing and making their own clothing. I’ll be adding to this folder whenever i come across new resources
Updated just now with new hand sewing resources (mainly buttonholes) and textbook pdfs on fashion history, fashion illustration, and thinking through designs!
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
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andulkaphoto
discoholicmusic
