no strings on me.

When Trinity had first tried to talk to Yolanda about what happened, she hadn't wanted to believe it. In the hundreds of hours they'd spent working together, she had never once seen Langdon intoxicated while on the clock. He was a good doctor, a decent friend, and she'd known Trinity for less than a day. "It's his fault he got caught." Looking at the situation now with a new lens was uncomfortable to say the least. She wanted to ask why Trinity had never talked about this part, but why would she when Yolanda made it very obvious she wasn't interested in getting involved?

Trinity tried not to seem confused or afraid or alarmed by the tension on Yolanda's face. It wasn't the first time she'd seen the surgeon have a day that sit her jaw tight. It wasn't even the first time it was directed at her. The difference here is Trinity didn't quite know what she'd done until she heard that name. That question. It tossed around in her skull for a second, almost rattling like some kind of old timey fire alarm bell. She blinked, two fast nervous blinks punctuated by a long stare and an inhale she hoped wasn't obvious.

Yolanda tried to loosen her stance and unclench her jaw. Clearly her attempts at compartmentalization were not working and this conversation would go nowhere unless she steered it. "No, I mean-" Her lips pursed briefly at the reminder that she was the one to put this boundary in place. "I know, but... I'm asking now," she finished stiffly. She closed her eyes and let out a sharp exhale through her nostrils, counting to three slowly before opening them again.

Langdon was back. Whitaker was gone. Garcia was.... a splinter that Trinity felt herself pick at every time the older woman walked by or came for a consult. The kind that had already gotten stuck under the skin and wasn't removable without tearing it. But she touched it anyway for the sting in her palm.

As footsteps came up behind her, Yolanda turned and looked Trinity up and down with the same critical eye that she looked at her patients. However, there were no major physical traumas for her to assess here, only an expression on Santos' face that she couldn't read. No amount of medical jargon or tests would provide her with the information that she needed in this moment, and her forehead creased in frustration.

❛  i can't be the person you want me to be.  ❜ ❛  i can't be the only one fighting for this.  ❜ ❛  i can't be the reason you hate yourself.  ❜ ❛  i can't do this anymore, but i don't know how to stop.  ❜ ❛  i can't do this if you don't trust me.  ❜ ❛  i can't hate you, and that's the worst part.  ❜ ❛  i can't keep loving a ghost.  ❜ ❛  i can't keep waiting for you to choose me.  ❜ ❛  i can't look at you the same way anymore.  ❜ ❛  i can't lose you, too.  ❜ ❛  i can't make you love me.  ❜ ❛  i can't sleep without thinking about what happened.  ❜ ❛  i can't stop thinking about the way you left.  ❜ ❛  i can't tell you the truth without losing you.  ❜ ❛  i can't tell you to stay when i know you want to leave.  ❜ ❛  can't you hear yourself?  ❜ ❛  can't you just do me this one favor?  ❜ ❛  can't you lie to me, just this once?  ❜ ❛  can't you please just listen?  ❜ ❛  can't you see that i'm trying?  ❜ ❛  can't you stay, just for tonight?  ❜ ❛  can't you stop pushing me away for five seconds?  ❜ ❛  can't you tell i'm scared?  ❜ ❛  can't you understand that i needed you?  ❜ ❛  can't we go back to before everything changed?  ❜ ❛  can't we just be friends?  ❜ ❛  can't we just have one normal night?  ❜ ❛  can't we pretend, just for a little while longer?  ❜ ❛  can't we try again?  ❜ ❛  you can't ask me to stay after everything you did.  ❜ ❛  you can't decide how you want me now.  ❜ ❛  you can't erase what happened.  ❜ ❛  you can't fix this with an apology.  ❜ ❛  you can't just show up here without calling first.  ❜ ❛  you can't keep punishing me for surviving.  ❜ ❛  you can't leave like that and expect me to still be here when you come back.  ❜ ❛  you can't love someone only when it's easy.  ❜ ❛  you can't promise forever when you can't even promise tomorrow.  ❜ ❛  you can't save me from this.  ❜ ❛  you can't say you love me and then disappear.  ❜

"you're trouble" IND. SELECTIVE DR. TRINTY SANTOS from HBO MAX'S the pitt - ship/fandom/crossover friendly - by west "i just hope she can forgive herself"

open to: anyone that works at the hospital trinity gets attacked by a patient, your muse interferes/helps with the aftermath

she's not sure why she feels so frozen. the patient is agitated. he's been that way since she walked in, and usually trinity knows how to keep them calm. but despite all her best attempts to help deal with him, to keep him from reacting, he's escalated quickly. and before she knows what she's doing or how to stop it, he's angry, out of his bed, and she's stuck. she should be better at this. she took self defense classes once upon a time. anything to convince herself to be better in danger than someone who just freezes. or worse--fawns. and awful word she'd learned in college psychology that made her skin crawl when she thought it. trinity santos's mind is a constant fight between behavior and rebellion, finding the peace of good or the chaos of bad and somehow, when men like this yell--at her--everything in her screams be good, listen, wait. -- fawn.

She had gotten used to parsing out the various types of chaos that could unfold in a hospital, which ones required real urgency and what didn't. While it didn't happen often, the type of adrenaline that flooded through her body upon hearing the words "hula hoop" should be studied. Thank fuck she didn't have children. Her feet were already moving in the direction that the rest of the department seemed to lurch towards, and she instinctively searched for Trinity as she did so. Not seeing her meant nothing. She could be with another patient, or out in the ambulance bay or a million other explanations for why Garcia couldn't find her in the ten seconds it took for her to sprint down the hallway.

i find every single one of the characters frustrating and compelling in one way or another, and that's genuinely refreshing to me. the show did a good job of setting up and showing different characters' motivations and tracking them throughout the day while maintaining the high intensity to showcase the realities of the medical system in the U.S.

i think my biggest gripe (and i say gripe extremely loosely) is that this is the n.oah w.yle show and i completely understand why that is. however, for that reason i also acknowledge that the show is never fully going to reach the point where it understands why and how some of dr. robby's behaviors should be addressed. while they will set the show up to explain why robby's behaviors are wrong or incorrect, they'll also lob him excuse after excuse of why he's acting like that and he's having a bad day, but no one else seems to benefit from that reasoning. that said, i again understand that this is his show, that's not going to change and these are real unconscious biases that are in the world. do i think he's the devil incarnate and a horrible person? no, i really don't. he's a great teacher and doctor and a good mentor when he wants to be, but i do have a very visceral reaction to him as a qwoc who works for white men who have a lot of power over the advancement of my career. his treatment of women, particularly women of color, under his supervision is an uncomfortable mirror to some of my life.

overall, i get why people like the show and the characters. i still don't really know what show the people all over my social media feeds have been watching because people have been deeply weird about this show, but fandom is gonna fandom i suppose. more thoughts to come whenever i get around to finishing s2