fire and the flood.

“alright.” was his short and snip answer. normally, silas would’ve rolled his eyes and gave her a snarky response. he was too tired to say anything sly back and sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. his cover was probably totally blown and xifeng could practically read his mind at this point. his eyes glanced from the ground to his rough hands. how did he get like this? he usually wasn’t like this. he was the most focused and motivated person he knew. a sigh escaped silas’ lips as he bit his lower lip. he assumed this was just another slump and he’d get out of it soon. but this time it seemed...different. “i’m quitting.” he blurted after a few seconds. “well i’m thinking of it.”

his heart wrenched at the tone of her voice. it was warm, kind, motherly. what silas needed right now was his mom. at the mere thought of her, his body stiffened and his face was void of emotion. because of becoming of trainee, because of leaving england, because of all of that, he was never going to see her again. hell, even if he did, he doubted she’d want anything to do with her own son that chose becoming an idol over her. silas chewed on his lower lip, “you can stay. if you’d like.” his voice was shaky. this was all very unlike of silas. he was usually calm, collected, cool and dripping charisma. this...this wasn’t him. he was a scared little kid again. 

“probably when i debut.”

“right. no, that makes sense. although my dad knows enough english, he barely speaks it unless we’re in a country that’s heavily english speaking.” silas agreed with th girl. he wasn’t able to relate with her to the speaking to the mother thing, but he understood it quite well. “really? the tid bits i know of mandarin are so shameful.”

“lots to do at three am.” silas muttered softly as he rubbed his eye harshly, removing any evidence of tears being present in them. his eyes darted up to the familiar face of his hyung and tried his best to force a smile on his face, but he couldn’t. he was too tired. too over it. too done with being a trainee. “yeah, i’ll be fine.” it was the biggest lie silas told and he told it too often. it was almost like he became an expert in it and he wasn’t sure how to feel about. he knew other idols went through worse when they were trainees, but for silas, he couldn’t see that ray of light anymore, the hope he held onto dearly for years now. he was over it. “i’m thinking of quitting.” he was quiet because he never expected to ever say those words out loud. now that he did, his chest felt less stuffy and he could breathe again.

“y-yeah she’s pretty cool..” silas mumbled, unsure how to process the entire thing with idol project anymore. he was almost solid with q and things were getting intense and serious between them, but before things could even start it fell apart a week before idol project started. and now seeing q and seyeon, it was a bit too much for the trainee to see on tv. “i like her a lot too.”

silas groaned and threw his phone on the other side of the practice room, watching it land onto his pile of clothes. what was the point anymore? of being a trainee, waiting forever for debut. silas had many opportunities unlike most trainees and he was grateful of being publicized and exposed, having people anticipate his debut like no other. but it sometimes the boy would get into moments where he doubted his skills, doubted his motivation as to why he was even bothering to become an idol. sometimes it just didn’t make sense to him, and the cons outweighed the pros. silas leaned against the mirror and hugged his knees, sighing as his chin rested on his right knee, staring at himself at the mirror in front of him. this was silas song, one of the most hyped up trainees and radioactive’s little prized gem. but why did he fell so worthless all of a sudden? the boy blinked back a few tears, tired. all he had to do was go over this routine one more time and he would go back to sleep, at three am. he sat with his legs criss cross and went over the moves in his head until he heard the door open and sighed, letting his head fall down. “can you come another time? i’m busy right now.” he didn’t want to deal with anyone right now.

silas wasn’t the best to comfort people, especially people who were crying. “it gets better,” the boy hadn’t seen his mother for quite some time. at some point, his mother just gave up on him in a sense. she stopped picking up the phone calls, stopped going onto skype, blocked his number, never wrote back to his letters. whenever he was on visits back to london, he felt as if he was in the presence of a stranger. “it’ll be okay.” he sighed.

“it was amazing, wasn’t it!? i really hope my comeback- hell my debut is that exciting.”