sierra doing things.

New York City | Man, where do I start? It's been exactly a decade since I've been in the very city that kickstarted my wanderlust. New York will always have my heart. And to be able to visit with the two most important people in my life- my husband and my son- it was an emotional trip for sure. Only I was not able to feel nostalgic while living it, as I was preoccupied with fending for my little. I am only feeling the rush of sentimentality now that I am back at work, alone in my office, pretending to be doing something work-related.

To be able to make new memories. With new people. And my new self. I will always be thankful for the privilege of travel.

Life Lately. Wow. It has been over two years. Not going to lie, I was fumbling through, trying to navigate on posting a new blog entry. It's been definitely a hot minute. How do I cram in everything in the last two years in one blog post?

I'm a Mom now. Looking back at the posts I had during our infertility journey, it makes me mourn for that old me. I wanted to tell her it's going to be OK, although it may not seem like that at the time. My heart just hurts for her. If she only knew how much her life will change for the better. It's very hard transitioning, and I am getting all the help and support I need whether through therapy or through my village. I simply have no words for how motherhood had changed every facet of my being- and I am just so happy he's here and he's ours.

I hope to blog more often now- I just feel like a lot is happening that I certainly would like to document and fondly look back on at some point. I just don't know where to start- but like everything else in life, I know I'll get there again.

Pink and Coral || March. Spring. Re-birth.

Life lately. How's life, lately? Things are the same, but somehow different. There's lots to look forward to- at the same time, future still feels like it's looming. Trying to shake off the dark clouds over my head, but it's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress. Happiness- it comes in waves. So does poignance. So does anxiety. This will pass. Like the dark clouds over my head, the sad thoughts- they will pass.

I can feel grateful- while longing for things to be different somehow. I can be ecstatic for them, while feeling sorry for myself, waiting for my turn. Two feelings can co-exist. And I just have to let myself feel them. Notice them.

ito na naman tayo, wala na talagang bago.

pabugsu-bugsong mensahe, wala namang sinasabi.

nasa isang kontinente na tayo, pero planeta parin ang layo.

hindi maipaliwanag ang nadarama, hindi na kailangang halungkatin pa.

typing, sabi sa insta. 

ano na naman kayang pagpapa-cute ang gagawin? bakit hindi mo nalang diretsahin?

ako naman, waiting.

ano ba’ng meron dito, may magagawa ba tayo?

safety net nalang. yun lang naman tayo noon pa man.

pag wala nang pupuntahan ang usapan, seenzoned nalang.

yun lang naman tayo noon pa man.

biruan dito, biruan diyan.

yun lang naman tayo noon pa man.

magdadalawampung-taon na rin, imagine?

hanggang kailan ako mag hihintay na makasama kang 

muli sa buhay kong puro ng paghihirap?

lilipas na parang mga ulap, magmamanipesto nalang sa alapaap.

tatlong tuldok ang nag bibigay buhay. nganga nalang kung walang reply.

gusto nang huminto, gusto nang sumuko. 

dinadasalang lumabas ang tatlong tuldok, malapit nang mag-amok.

nasa rock bottom na naman yung convo.

parang dati lang, nag-aantay tumunog ang telepono, nananalangin na sana bumalandra ang pangalan mo. 

panandaliang aliw, kapag natuyo ang usapan-  linggo, buwan, taon ang daraan. 

yun lang naman tao, noon pa man.

ano kaya ang gustong patunayan? na sa loob ng dalampung taon, ikaw parin, ikaw lamang?

basta’t andiyan ka, sapat na. mag-aantay nalang ba kapag tayo’y naging singkwenta?

It doesn't matter how slow you go, as long as you don't stop.

3:30 am. The alarm goes off. I didn't need it- the anxiety has kept me up all night. Will I be able to do it? The culmination of 2020. The pandemic has not ended, but I feel as though my purpose in the last 18 months will be measured today. I make a toast. With peanut butter and banana. Lost in my reverie, I smell something burning... the smoke detector goes off. Is this a premonition? A bad omen of what's to come? I shake off the thought, sipped my decaf coffee... marveled on the tranquility of the dawn. I want to go back to sleep, even just for one hour, but my mind refused to rest.

I get ready. I pin the bib in my top... suddenly I don't think I should be wearing that today. What if I want to change? I can change later, it's alright. I grab the plastic bag with my belongings, full of hope. Anxiety. Anticipation. Self-doubt. Self-belief. Everything all at once, gratitude I did not have to drive there.

7:05 am. The last washroom break before I head to the starting line. I break down. I can't do it. I can't. I can't. Suddenly I am angry at the people who believed I can do this. I hate you for making me think I am remotely capable of this- because I can't. Suddenly I am inspired yet again, after my episode. I walk to the starting line.

7:30 am. Let's fucking go.

10 kms. Do I need to use the porta potty? I think I can do without for another kilometer. People cheering me on. Saying my name. I was taken aback at first... wait how did you know my name? And I realize it's on my bib. Suddenly I am fueled by the cheers, albeit not just for me. People who are out cheering this early on a Sunday. I feel invincible. Connected. On track.

21 kms. Okay you have done this before. This is easy. It is not easy. I'm only halfway? I'm halfway there. My mind wants to keep going but the other parts of my body just want to screech to a complete stop. I can do this.

25 kms - 32 kms. I want to die. I want to get hit by a moving vehicle. I just want this to end.

33 kms - 40 kms. Unfamiliar territory. Anything past this is uncharted- something I've never done. The longest I will ever be. Anything past 32 is a personal best. I think of the last 18 months. The highs, the lows. I think of my wedding. My husband. I think of the past year of wedded bliss, how grateful I am to have him in my life. My rock. I think of his confidence in me... how he looked me in the eye that morning and told me "you will finish this". And he made me believe in myself, even if I doubted myself. I thought of how I can be a better wife to him- because that's what he deserve. I thought of my struggles. Those I can't control, but this I can. I thought of the people I dedicate this to- my loved ones, most importantly, myself. Thirty years old. Things will only look up from here. Everything hurts. If I stop, it hurts more... I need to keep going. 30. 30. 30. The next three decades will be the best decades ever. The best is not yet to happen. It's here, it's now. I sensed peace. I sensed quietness. I can't be alone with my thoughts. But they are happy thoughts. You are strong. Thriving. Worthy. Determined. Mentally tough. I am equanimous.

40 kms. Here comes the waterworks. I know I will not cry in the finish line, but here I am now, ugly crying. You're going to fucking do it! Can you believe this.

40 kms - 42.2 kms. Where is that damn finish line? My Garmin clocked 42 kms already, but where is that stupid finish line jumbotron? I see it. They call my name. I cross the line. Someone put the medal around my neck.

Marathon finisher. 42.2 kms.

I plopped down the pavement.

Lordt... it has been a hot minute since I have posted! That doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing fun things though (lies!). I sincerely hope everyone’s doing well, hanging in there... things are starting to look normal-ish. Wait, that’s just within myself, but that’s good, too!

Oh my, have things changed? We moved houses. Having my lil bro live with us for his summer internship... that’s been pretty fun! But mostly busying ourselves with home things, and now that we have a backyard we need to do something with it (home updates soon, hopefully!).

Early this year, I have planned on spending less time on Social Media- going on adventures without sharing anything on Instagram/Facebook other than sending it privately to my nearest and dearest. It’s been going great! Six months and going strong. The social media cleanse is more so for my own mental health, really. There are still some anxiety and panic attacks lately, but with just the jam-packed couple months, I needed to go easy on myself and just ride the waves. Easier said than done, still, but it’s always a work in progress. Always focusing on mindfulness, on positivity. 

This photo was taken on our recent hiking escapade, Porcupine Ridge. It’s only just been our second hike for the season, but the list is long and summers are short so we need to get moving! I’ll forever be grateful for endless postcard views in our backyard... and lifelong friendships- J and I hiked this trail with a friend who I’ve been acquainted with for half of my life. 

There you are, here I am. A metre apart from each other but still a thousand miles away. Nine years since I last saw you, Thirteen years since I first met you. Twelve years in the making.

Feelings come and go. Do they, though? Amidst the jests, the laughter and the banters... I sense the palpable tension we both deny... but you can feel it and know I feel it, too.

Thirteen hour time difference. A quasi-relationship that will never be. Knowing myself now, how was I able to suppress that? How did I not fight for it? Why didn’t you?

There you are, here I am. Within each other’s arms reach, just like it’s always been. Because you’ve always kept to yourself and I’ve never known where I stood with you, we let this table drive us even farther from each other, almost like the thousand miles distance and time zone difference we’ve had for nine long years. Am I just imagining it?

Twelve years in the making. Back-reading archived messages where we talk hours about the shows we binge-watch... ignoring the thirteen hour time difference, instead of just confessing how we really feel about each other. How we felt. We go down the memory lane, for what? To get the truth out of each other that we were more than friends then, and we are more than friends now, but we will just be friends forever?

Nine years later. We’re watching the sunset... we are not alone but we wish we are. We both wish one of us had the courage to cut the shit, and prevent years later from being just a green dot on Social Media. Staring, wondering who should initiate the contact. Wondering if it’s even going to go anywhere. Wondering if, nine years later, we’ll be watching the sun gets swallowed by the clouds... a metaphor to what could have been, getting swept behind the clouds for twelve years. Ending the day pretending, and waiting for the same sun to rise the next day. Nothing will change, of course. We’ve danced this for twelve years, and we can do it for twelve more.

Sun-kissed. I’m just realizing this is the first post I’m making for the New Years! And the fact that I’m writing this with only a week left for the month is even crazier... January is almost over?

This month is filled with new challenges and goals I have set for myself. I’ve joined a challenge in Strava called January Fresh Start challenge where I have to log 30 hours of activity this month, and J and I have been going for hikes pretty much twice a week every week just so I can meet my goal. I’m also close to running 100 kms for the month, thank God for the balmy January weather we’ve been having so far. Last time I did 100 kms was back in October, before the big snow dumps we’ve had. One of my New Years resolutions is also to pay closer attention in meditation, and I am in the verge of clenching a 30-day mindfulness streak where I have to meditate every day for at least 10 minutes. Lastly, and I think the most important one, is the Dry January J and I are partaking. I’m so proud and surprised that he took on this challenge with me... and so far it’s going so well. I have been sleeping better, less tired... and the money we are saving too! 

I just hope that this continues on for the rest of the year... not just the start! Because remember, it’s not about how you start... it’s how you finish.

BELATED MERRY CHRISTMAS, FRIENDS! Four days late! I’ve been off for a week at work... and I tried to steer clear of my computer to check work stuff but I’ve been meaning to do a Christmas post.

Christmas is VERY different this year for obvious reasons. J & I wanted to spend it with both our families, and we had grand plans on his side of the family to spend a weekend in the mountains but with the new Covid restrictions... that had to be canceled. We also booked a flight to visit my family for a couple days, and had to cancel that, too... so for our first Christmas as husband and wife, we spent it just the two of us. I’m so grateful for J--- and I know he does not read my blog (I don’t even think he knows it exists lol)--- but I can’t imagine going through these times with anyone else but him. He TRIED SO HARD to make everything special for us even when I have some episodes here and there. I have no words about what he brings in to my mental health... it’s just tremendously helpful and I can only hope I am reciprocating the same way.

We’re also celebrating New Years just the two of us, just like we always have in the past, but this time we’ll be staying home. I checked my Facebook memories and in the past three NYEs, we have been out of the country! I know it will still be fun, but we’ll do an update then :) 

Life Lately || Hey everyone! It’s been sooo long since my last post... and I don’t even know where to chalk it up this time. Busy? Yes...Writer’s block? Yes. Life? Absolutely.

We’ve been doing tons of winter hiking and I’m still running outside every weekends... since the days are shorter and it’s normally dark outside when I get home from work. But the fact that I’m still able to run outside in December is unfathomable for me and a luxury I will never take for granted.

Recently I re-joined the gym... and two weeks later there was a lockdown mandate that required indoor fitness centres to be closed yet again. It was such a bummer since I was slowly getting in the groove of going to the gym and now I feel like I’m once again back to square one. But it’s all good... I just purchased a pull-up bar and might just start working out at home once again.

Aside from working out my body as an outlet from everything that’s happening this year, I also started seriously exercising my mind through meditation. I know this is a long journey to equanimity, but it does not matter how slow you go as long as you don’t stop (you probably heard that somewhere haha). So I hope, reader, if you haven’t already, that you start meditating now. Let’s all change the negative ways we think of things, and our situation in life.

It’s high time we took care of our mental health, now more than ever. Think of that person you love the most, who has always been there to support you through the highs and lows this year has brought us... think of how you can reciprocate the support they have given you, and think that when your mind is at peace, it extends to those close to you. Again, I’m still in the process of learning these things and actually nailing it in my head... but just like everything else in life, it’s a work in progress.

Windtower Mountain | Woo! We were able to squeeze in one last summer day hike before that white stuff fell on the ground- the Windtower Mountain. J and I are so out of shape for hiking, although I’ve kept up with running and he’s kept up with tennis, we haven’t hiked in weeks in part of the wedding planning.

A Magnificent Day at Moraine Lake || August 13th 2020. J and I had our engagement photos taken - 3 weeks after we decided to take the leap and tie the knot.

He initially did not go down on one knee. It was all a spur of the moment kind of thing, that we think we are indeed ready to take our relationship to the next step. I did not mind it- the moment I started planning for the wedding, I figured the money spent on the ring can be put towards the wedding expenses- but I should have known J well enough to know he was going to propose anyway. 

Mission Hills Winery & Summer Hill Winery || I have finally gone on a BC winery tour! I mean... we only visited two wineries but it’s still so much fun regardless!

We got the cask tour and got to taste a variety from the barrel... so it was definitely a unique and special experience.

We also (impulsively) joined a wine club... so we are definitely coming back to Kelowna sooner than later! 

We were also at Mission Hills Winery for a food-and-wine pairing at their Terrace, but unfortunately the weather was not being very cooperative so we did not get to take in the dinner views from the terrace. 

One last winery before we hit the road is the Summe Hill Winery! Although I liked the Mission Hill reds better, the views at Summer Hill was to die for! 

Kelowna, BC || Oh Kelowna, how I love you! This is probably the first time I’ve visited this City during the summer time- as I’ve always been here before during late-Fall and in the middle of winter. 

It’s always been a treat every time I visit, but this time we got to some boating and hiking and wine tasting (separate post!). The boating was such a treat- and it was J’s first time driving a boat and you can tell it’s been a stressful few moments (lol). The day started fairly gloomy and windy, which put a damper on the first moments that we almost bailed out, but thankfully we caught some sun and was still able to enjoy a warm weather while in the water.

I’ve been wanting to hike in Kelowna for ages now, and finally got to do it this time. Kelowna does not have high mountains like the Alberta Rockies, so we picked a moderate one close to our Airbnb - Mount Boucherie. We actually ran up the 3KM and were rewarding with amazing views up top! We can see the winery that we will later visit from the summit, and the Okanagan Lake views will just never get old.

We definitely wined and dined in in YLW- and checked out the breweries that I visited before - BNA Brewery and Tree Brewing Co.