What has been said...

Heather:

CJ: Oh god, I thought you were singing Baby Shark for a moment.

Heather: Now that song is in my head! Oh god!

CJ: I can replace it if you want.

Heather: If you replace it with a more annoying song, I'm going to throw your dinner out the window.

CJ: So I do get to try?

Heather: Yes, but those are the stakes!

(Setup: we are driving through Australia near some old familiar areas. It is night time but it's still possible for me to see some bits and pieces.)

Dad: Look familiar?

CJ: Yup. That hill that looks like the Windows XP desktop background... It's probably brown though.

Dad: Yep. And it's got a great big tank in the middle of it.

CJ: So, is that "tank" as in "giant f*ckoff war machine", in which case it's actually Windows Vista...

Dad:

CJ: ...or "tank" as in "massive storage unit", in which case it's actually Linux?

(Setup: Heather is playing Scrabble with her family in Australia. I am in New Zealand. This takes place over instant message.)

Heather: Dad is winning by about 50 points

CJ: Want some sneaky cheaty advice?

Heather: Sure

CJ: Send me a pic of your rack

CJ: Um. I'll rephrase that

(Setup: this chat takes place over instant messenger. I no longer have access to the original chat so it has been paraphrased. A group of us at work have been playing Five Hundred during our breaks. On this particular day I am working the “day shift” - my colleagues usually work the “night shift” but are on the day shift today. It’s also worth pointing out that I have won every single hand to that point, alongside my partners.)

Mikayla: When do we have lunch?

CJ: Usually 12:30.

Mikayla: I just want a good game of 500.

Luke: You just had two good games.

CJ: Mikayla just wants to solo another ten-no call.

Mikayla: Yep!

CJ: *deals joker to self and keeps it away from Mikayla*

Mikayla: :’(

CJ: There are three things that don’t work on me: crocodile tears, puppy-dog eyes, and blackmail.

Melita: So when I lost that hearts call, if I’d cried real tears, is that enough?

CJ: Nope. Because, much like yourself during that hand, I have no heart.

Mikayla: OOF

CJ: You know you're in a small town when you give directions relative to the traffic lights.

Sarah: We have more than one set.

CJ: Three. There are three sets of lights here.

Sarah: That's more than in (nearby town).

CJ: You know you're in a small town when...

Sarah: So the re-opening of the outdoor pool, which they were promising in December, has been pushed back to February.

CJ: They're re-doing the pool?

Mum: Yeah, they picked up a grant.

Alex: Hey, nice suit!

CJ: Well, it's Melbourne Cup day. I wouldn't be wearing anything else.

Alex: I like how it's black, too. Because of the rugby.

(Setup: Heather has lightly pinched me. I jump, mostly out of instinct.)

Heather: That wasn't even a pinch.

CJ: I wasn't expecting it, is all.

(Setup: I'm at work and have come across a Māori word I'd never seen before.)

CJ: Oi, Kiwis. I need your help.

CJ: What is "kiorahi"?

Nicholas:

Steph: Hold on... "a ball sport played in New Zealand with a small round ball called a 'ki'." It's like rugby.

CJ: Ahh.

Nicholas: It means "heroin".

CJ: Oh dear gods...

Steph:

CJ: This is why I love this job. People ask me why I love this job, even though it's just data entry...

Nicholas: It's not just data entry.

(Setup: we're watching an Australian rules football game. A free kick has been awarded.)

Lucy F: What was that for?

CJ: He was thrown to the ground after he got rid of the ball.

Lucy F: Ah.

CJ: So here's a new level of scary: I just solved a puzzle based on a word I didn't even know existed.

Heather: What's the word?

CJ: "Stucco". S-T-U-C-C-O.

Heather: It's a type of rendering, for floors and concreting. Wait... This was in The Sims! You never played The Sims?!

Caity: *laughs*

Mum: How many heads did the mythical Hydra have?

Dad: Nine.

Me: Well, to start off with, yeah. But it got two for every one you cut off, so the number is potentially infinite.

Dad: It'd grow exponentially.

Me: Not exponentially. N + 1 for every head you removed.

(Setup: our car has just been serviced. Before the service, the cost was quoted to us at $740.)

Heather: So the car came in eleven dollars cheaper, $729.

CJ: Oh wow!

Heather: Yeah, eleven bucks, that's not much but it's OK.

(Setup: Kylie is driving into the sun and is having trouble seeing.)

CJ: There's a guy on your left hand side...

Kylie: I can see him. He's wearing white.

CJ: A plain white tee!

Kylie: It stands out... except in the snow.

(Setup: a wicketkeeper has just taken a catch to dismiss a batsman... using his groin.)

CJ: Is that thinking with his head?

(Setup: we're talking about Cleopatra.)

Heather: Did they ever find her mummy?

CJ: I dunno, don't think so. Did they find her wrapped up in bandages either?

Heather:

Heather: I'm going to watch this video, of an American pastor.

CJ: Is that tagliatelle or ravioli?

Heather: