Going off cymbalta is really kicking my ass: I have cried multiple times today and my vision is so off (it’s like when I’m high but weirder lol) and I’m really considering going on T but it’s hard to find info about low dosing and one of the times I cried was just now when I looked at an Instagram pic of mine and the caption was about how happy I am at school and this all feels like a huge setback. At least butches are hot; thinking about butches makes me happy. That is all.

My new thing is that I can’t get horny at night and it’s hard because it’s the time I’m the most undisturbed in my parents house. I feel like the effects of my snri on my pain have been minimal but they def hurt my libido and also quarantine sucks. anyway love that for me ✌️

Wild to be home because I have gotten used to being around very open minded people. There were sex scenes on tv and my mom says it was “basically porn”. (It was not. Genitals were not shown. They were pretty brief scenes.) And don’t get me started on how they berate cannabis use. Complaining about people who use it and what’s strange is I feel like there is a lot more weed in the media I’m consuming now? So there’s more times for them to comment. They are liberal, much more than many but it’s interesting to see how prudish they can be. Anyways I just want to go back to my sex posi stoner friends. Wish I was high.

I watched all of sex education and I started crying when lily talked about having vaginismus and they showed her using dilators and how she could still have sex with her gf ola and I felt so seen as a lesbian with a pelvic floor disorder.

I love my friends but I have realized where I come from and my life situation is quite different from theirs. I was saying how I applied for the summer hospitality job and how I would get to live on campus and they couldn’t believe it paid “so low” ($10.25/hour plus three months of included housing). I then told them that I have only made $7.25/hour (not to mention at the baseball stadium I didn’t get regular hours and wanted to work more) and only one friend (my crush) understood I want this job because it would let me stay in the cities and not return to hell-land. The group was also talking about how they don’t really utilize the campus lgbtq+ resources fully and it seems I’m the only one who actually like goes to groups and stuff. And there was complaints about the q and how they didn’t make real friends but again this is crazy to me because I am just so excited to have a place with queer programming that I don’t have to do, with peers who aren’t rolling on the ground and being immature and I haven’t made close friends, sure, but I enjoy having friend-quaintances at other places. So to summarize, I like my friends but they just don’t get how much privilege and resources they have had access to.

I got diagnosed with sleep apnea y’all. It’ll be a bit before insurance approves a machine for me but hopefully a cpap will help.

Able-bodied privilege is not having to think about things. Not having to worry about if you can physically move through a space. Not having to think about how those fucking lime scooters block the sidewalk for crips. Not having to think about a way to get across campus that may take longer but doesn’t involve stairs. Not thinking about leaving someone in your group behind because they need to use the elevator and you didn’t hear them say so.

Forgot to post but since moving to college 2.5 weeks ago I have been using a cane every day! It has really helped both in terms of propelling my walking/something to lean on, and being a signal of “disabled person over here”. I can ask for a seat on the bus and don’t get questioned, people remember we need to use the elevator, people hold doors for me more, etc. Only one guy had intrusive questions but he then was flirting with me which was bizarre lmao. Anyways I am disabled and happy and I like college.

The only thing I miss about home is the ability to masturbate when I want lol.

I got home from a trip today. (I’m 18 and I still live with my parents) my mom cleaned my room while I was gone which was really nice, but she def found my vibe. She put some lotion in the locker i have my vibe/lube/butt plug in. My plug was more away but the vibe was out. Doesn’t look like she touched it but was def in there. Not sure how I feel. She didn’t bring it up which is good because like I don’t feel like defending myself. I’m an adult who hasn’t been able to have any relationships in my stupid small town, as well as I’m much more sex positive than she is. So that’s that.

First appointment with my pelvic floor pt. It was weird having someone touch my crotch, but she’s a mom and really nice. Apparently she can feel the muscles that are tight and I should be able to improve. It’s a huge feeling of relief to know that there is hope and I can get better.

I want to be fucked by a girl.

Why does the school elevator always smell weird