siangmalam sama saja

Tumben2an taun ini makin ga semangat nulis resolusi (tumben??)

Well 2020 got my mental right in the nuts, maybe just like the rest of the other ppl in the world. Sedangkan dalam dunia fisik yang kelihatan gw rasa gw tampak baik2 saja. Jadi ya bagian itu masih perlu untuk disyukuri.

Manusia yg ga pernah puas, akarnya udah jauh dalam diri. Ingin rebahan tapi kaya raya. Tentu aja Tuhan juga ketawa denger permintaanku ini. Kalo mau kaya ya kerja.

Hmmm, perlu lebih sabar pastinya. Dan terus berusaha untuk apa yang diinginkan. (Dan berdoa)

Mungkin itu pelajaran yg harus gw coba selama setahun ini. Sebelumnya kata 'tekun' itu belum ada dalam kamus gw.

Que sera sera?

Whaterver will be will be.

Iya udah apa aja deh.

Tumben2an sampe sekarang belum kepikir mau nulis apa.

Resolusi udah sih ditulis offline seperti biasa.

Setelah sekian belas tahun hidup ngikutin angin aja, mungkin baru tahun ini ada suatu kestabilan.

Which is nice I guess?

Jadi yasudah mari mencoba untuk stabil dan mengurangi yang labil2.

That I love her more than I love Him.

So He take her away, but still live in my memory.

So anytime that I have doubts, anywhere, I can always find her.

A lot of questions and answers that I dont understand, maybe now I can get it by doing it.

After all this time she keeps me safe. Make sure that I don't have to experience what she had gone through.

Thank you will never be enough.

Maybe I should say something that I have never said to you in real life because it feels awkward. But you know that I love you a lot. More than anything in this world. And it was such a stupid thought that I love my job too much too at the time. I have to learn that the hard way.

Promise? Habbits?

I'm always scared when I'm right.

I'm usually wrong tho.

Please be wrong for this time too.

Tapi masa depan itu kan sebetulnya tergantung usaha yang dikerjakan dari sekarang.

Pernahkah kamu kehilangan sesuatu?

Teman, sababat, orang tua, hewan peliharaan, benda2 kesayangan..

Sesuatu yang pada akhirnya kamu lihat untuk terakhir kalinya dan mungkin kalau beruntung masih sempat untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal.

Saya disini bukan untuk menghakimi. Bukan tentang siapa yang merasa paling kehilangan, atau kehilangan apakah yang paling berat. Satu hal yang pasti adalah kehilangan itu adalah sesuatu yang sangat berat.

Dan bahwa kata2 mutiara "time heals" itu adalah bohong. 10 tahun lagi dari sekarang kau akan masih tetap merasakan kehilangan. Orang baru yang kau temui tetaplah bukan orang yang dulu pergi. Dan memang bukan begitu seharusnya dia datang dalam hidupmu untuk menggantikan kerinduanmu pada orang yang dulu. Bukan begitu.

Yang bisa kita lakukan hanyalah berdamai. Berdamai pada kehilangan itu sendiri. Bahwa ada sesuatu yang telah diambil dalam hidupmu dan tidak akan pernah kembali dalam wujud yang sama. Dan itu tidak apa2. Karena kita bisa belajar untuk sayang lagi, untuk merelakan, untuk mandiri.

Hello, it's just 9 days since 2019 begin and I already screw up. Screw ups? Because it kinda a lot of screws that I have made or have to face.

Is it because of my own negativity?

Because negativity attracts the same aura?

Idk.

Maybe I just need to be friend with sadness and later on could be happy together with the sadness. Lol

No I'm not actually laughing.

Anyway. Anytime you hit low there will only be a way up.

Tumblr is blocked in my country. (great)

But I still wanna keep an online diary. (Also maybe offline)

Hmm, as usual it's on the way to midnight, and it's almost at the end of the year (but not really). And I feel all mellow yellow. So it might be good to start to write.

Actually I dont know what I want to write. But usually I just start, then later will figure out what I need to write.

Hey I did a typo on the title, I thought next year is 2018. 19 was never been my fav number. Or else it's also rarely someone's fav at all. It's odd, it doesn't feel special. It can't be divided evenly to any other number.. yet this number appears quite often in my life that it's enough for me to notice it. So maybe, maybe, next year the number 19 will play an even more special role in my life. #fingerscrossed

So much things happened this year that it feels like a century, but so fast like it was just yesterday. Finally moved out of my hometown, moving to next stage of life. Not everything going smoothly of course.. but I did enjoy every bits of it. Beside, what is up without some down, right?

I used to see new year as a new begining, new spirit, that every year will be better than the previous year. But now it's different. Some sadness, a little bit of a trauma. I'm having the roughest time of my life right after the best year of my life. Having more things that you like, means you can lose a lot too. What if next year will gone wrong too?

I know I can always pick myself up. But I really dont wanna go back there again.

But you know what, let's just have some faith. In what? God, of course, the universe, him, and maybe to myself.

"Orang yang jatuh cinta itu kasihan ya.."

"Kenapa?"

"Karena ia tidak akan pernah bisa menikmati dunia ini sendirian.

Badannya disini, memandang langit, tapi pikirannya tertuju pada ia yang belasan bahkan ribuan kilometer dari sini."

"Ya, tapi apa kamu tahu?"

"Apa?"

"Memandangi langit dengan orang yang kamu sayang itu rasanya jauh lebih indah daripada sendiri saja. Di luar bisa saja hujan, tapi saat sedang bersama, hatinya secerah matahari.

"Hey, I'm torn between going to sleep or ask silly question."

"ask silly question"

"Someone said to me that before we're able to love other people, we have to be whole first. So it's not finding other person to make you whole, but we have to be whole first. If we depend, or if we think other person will make us whole, then once we find out that it's not, the relationship will come to an end. Creating another hole. Nothing will make us feel whole accept ourself."

".....I don't really agree. I mean I've had experience some heart break before, and I feel like they take a piece of me every time it happened. So I can never be complete again."

"No it's not that. I mean, I've lost someone dear to me, and I know it will never be the same again. You know, you feel really sad, a part of you have gone. But then one day, you get tired of being sad, you pick up yourself and move on. You keep that memory in the past, accept it, and continue your life as whole. Then we can start to love again."

____