TESTING THROUGH DESPAIR

So, DA2 is finally over. It feels sort of surreal to be honest.

I cannot express my Doubt Experience in words. I guess I will just start at the beginning.

For those of you who didn't hear this story, I found doubt about the time the anime started. I had watched the first episode raw, and was somewhat intrigued, realizing it wasn't a dating sim like I originally thought based on my dash from forever ago. I looked it up, watched the anime's trailer, watched a let's play of the entire first game, and began to follow along with the anime.

It was around the time of the third trial in the let's play I was watching that I saw a post with Jack, Ryo, and Misaki, and Roxy, tagged #Dangus Rumpus #Doubt Academy, and LITERALLY thought that DA was SDR2. I knew that there was a second DR game, and I was actually convinced that DA1 was the second game... soooo, I googled it to try and find a let's play of "Doubt Academy".

Needless to say, google brought me to shsl-doubt and I instantly realized how dumb I was. I started reading, and finished a little before Nanase was revealed as the mastermind. I had never rped before, and severely lacked confidence in my skills as a writer, knowing full well that I tend to ramble and make baffling transition that leave those reading dumbfounded. That being said, I was interested in Doubt, and since I had nothing to do for the last month or two that I was in Germany, I thought it would be a good idea to try and apply to Doubt, and see what happens.

I was not expecting to get in, to be honest. I actually felt a lot of anxiety the day before the rooster was revealed, and nearly deleted Hiroshi's blog, having already queued a post explaining why I left, and congratulating those who did get in.

Imagine my surprise when I log in to move the post up in my queue to see an ask from Setsuko saying:

I was shocked. Speechless, I checked shsl-doubt and sure enough there was Hiroshi's name. I had applied with a friend who motivated me to stick to it, and though her name was not on the list, she encouraged me to stay with the group and see how it goes.

This may come as a surprise to some of you, since in calls I always seem to be a social butterfly, but I am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, one which I have not been given medication for since I keep moving, and don't end up seeing my doctor's enough in the time frame I am in country to get a medication plan set up. I was even institutionalized right before the start of doubt for an anxiety induced suicide attempt. I struggle motivating myself daily, and most days I cannot think of a reason to get out of bed, let alone log onto an rp character's blog and portray them in a manner that sets them apart from myself.

Miraculously, I did that as often as I could with doubt, staying up sometimes three days in a row to stay in call and talk with people who seemed as interested in rping as I wish I was. It was refreshing to see people willing to talk to my character, and even someone wanting to ship with my character, having personally never been interested in shipping prior to doubt.

Doubt made me feel like I had a bit of a reason to get out a bed in the morning. It surrounded me with loving caring people who liked what I had to say, and even offered feedback that was especially helpful. A lot of the people listened to me complain about my personal problems, and helped me through a bit of a depressive state that happened following the fourth trial.

I would like to take a moment to apologize for being a bit flaky with Hiroshi, and focusing a bit more on Dierk, my independent rp blog, while doubt was going on between the span of the fourth trial and the seventh, when Hiroshi died. I tried to find motivation to rp with Hiroshi, but every time I logged on to read threads or rp with someone I found myself drawn to Dierk as opposed to Hiroshi. Perhaps it was my anxiety mixed with depression, or perhaps I was just irritated with Rosh, seeing how I had tried to make him new sprites yet again, but found it impossible to draw his hair. Regardless of the reason, I left Rosh alone for a long period of time, and I apologize for that.

Truth be told, I was going to stop participating once Rosh died, feeling as though I would not have the motivation to rp a depressed "I'm a monster" Hiroshi. I'm so so /SO/ very glad I continued to roleplay. The game is worth forcing yourself through phases of no desire to participate, and lack of interest. Even if you are struggling with depression, I highly encourage you to try and participate and enjoy the family that is Doubt Academy. I have made several friends that are close to me because of doubt, and I cannot wait to rp with them again in DA3; or, if I don't get in, read their amazing roleplays from the sidelines.