Incredible Shrinking Hoosier

This was posted by a friend on Facebook. A friend who when we first met made it clear he’s not interested in me. It’s not because of age - he is younger but he’s not restricted by age. And it's not personality because we get along fine. It’s looks. He hopped into a relationship with a guy recently. Not a hot guy, but not an ugly guy. They hooked up on a Friday, spent the weekend together, and by Monday they were a couple. Went hot and heavy for about 3 or 4 weeks and the guy dumped him. Most everyone else knew that was going to happen, because this guy is like that and has done that to other people in the larger circle of acquaintances (doesn’t every gay know every other gay anyway?)

I’ve been sidetracked for months now. A variety of life struggles, although through it all I’ve maintained my weight.

I’m at a weight that’s not where I want to end, but it is where I am able to be comfortable and sociable. And part of my social life has become meeting friends at a bar for a few drinks on the weekends and for trivia night during the week.  The alcohol is not at all conducive with losing weight; yet it is my link to a social life. So I’ve made that trade, while pondering other things I can do to offset that - part of which is not going out as many times a week, and drinking piss-water Bud Light instead of a higher calorie mixed drink (with one flavored liquor or another).

I had a few dates last year - legitimate meet for a meal, a drink, or to talk kind of dates - as well as a few more “Netflix and chill” ‘dates’, sometimes with just the chill and no Netflix :p 

I’d much rather find a long term someone to be with. But I don’t think that’s in the cards for me. I’m always open to it. I won’t stop looking.

I’ve felt for a while that somehow I’m defective. Damaged. That there’s something wrong with me that I don’t know how to fix.  However, of late I’m inclined to think that maybe I’m just not interesting. I know a little about a lof of things. But I don’t have the passionate knowledge of any one thing or topic about which I can talk for hours and that others will join in on the conversation.

And I’m ok with that. I enjoy the things that I enjoy. I enjoy them at the level that is right for me. So if I can know lots of people, and have people to hang out with when I go out, then maybe that’s ok.

And I see over the last year or so that maybe my role in life is to be a supportive and encouraging friend. My personality is to be supportive, to help others reach their goals, to encourage them when they are discouraged. I can lead, and I do often; but I don’t prefer to lead for long periods of time. I’d rather join in on your dream and help you get there.

That season of supporting someone else’s dream may be short; it could last years. But it helps to develop a solid friendship, hopefully one that lasts for years to come.

Officially have lost 176 pounds since April 21, 2014.  The last three months I plateaued - enjoying life in 3X shirts, 54" pants and developing a bit of a social life.

One guy I met has become a really good friend and last week moved into my guest room. When he gets a job he will become my roommate - my first roomie in over 20 years. We get along well; his extroversion draws me out, and hopefully some of my pragmatism and relational advice rub off on him.

My blood sugar remains around 94 fasting in the morning. I still can have some spikes when I eat too many carbs, but my A1c has been well in line the last 2 times checked.

...from my next milestone. I weighed 375 when I was around 20 and had an experimental procedure called "gastric bubble". In 6 months I lost over 60 pounds; it was experimental tho and could not be used for more than 6 months. It's the first time I had lost any significant amount of weight in my life.

The last 3 months I lost about 5 pounds. When I started fitting into 3X shirts and 54" pants I started feeling better about myself. I began socializing; a new friend became a de facto roommate and in an effort to entertain him we ate out almost every day. And because of my sleeve, fast food really isn't an option for me. So along with not losing weight, I racked up new debt as well.

My friend is now becoming an actual roommate (once he gets a job...which should be any day now) and I'm working on getting back on my old routine. Up at 6, work at 7, eating smartly and well...and so far this week I'm down about 10 pounds.  I fit into the 2X shirt I bought accidentally as well as the 52" jeans I bought on purpose.  XL and 40+" pants are not very far away!

I'm in the 390's still. I'm not as diligent about preparing meals and end up snacking more...so my weight sort of stabilizes until I get my stuff together again and then I start losing. And some weekends if I have my meds in a different spot I'll forget to take them. Then the lack of BP meds means I retain some water. But I'm under 400 and will keep losing.

My house is coming together. Ive had the carpets shampooed, the walls painted, and have new living room furniture coming soon. I still need a plumber to look at the master bathroom faucet and a repairman for the ice maker and today it sounds like I need someone to look at the washing machine. But my house looks good and that makes me feel better.

I've been talking with a guy over one of those "dating" apps and was finally able to meet him for beers yesterday afternoon. We seemed to have a good time; the conversation was easy and interesting. I have no idea if he's interested in being friends, more than friends, or whatever. Gonna find out tho :)

Left, April 2014: 549 lbs

Right, March 2015, 399 lbs

That was my weight this morning.

February was mostly a lost month for me on the weight loss front. Mostly held at around 407 - up a little, down a little, but could reasonably be called flat.  These last few days I've been losing again, and now I'm tantalizingly close to breaking through the 400 level and using that wonderful 3 at the start.

Yes, it's still heavy as hell, but the emotional lift of changing that first number is so incredible. I've been feeling like maybe I was just supposed to always be around 405, or that somehow I had a mental hangup abut moving lower into the 300s and that I was preventing myself from moving forward.

I really don't know.  I just know I'm excited about breaking that level.

Tangentially, I was with a guy a few hours north of me a couple of weeks ago. I had fun, I'm pretty sure he did, too. We didn't know each other very well in advance, but enough that I was comfortable. I've discovered since then that quickie or anon hookups aren't for me. I knew that already. And it wasn't that guy who made me realize it. I liked him, just hanging out and talking; but I've talked with some other guys who just want to hop in bed (if they even make it that far into the house) and that makes me really anxious. I posted an ad on the infamous "list" site and thought I had a guy coming over. I had no idea what his name was, or very much even of what he looked like except for a handful of explicit photos he sent to me.  Turned out when we were exchanging emails Saturday night, I thought he was coming over then, while he was being chatty.

But I waited about 2 hours for him to arrive, and that entire two hours was nerve-wracking. And as I experienced and dealt with that anxiety, I figured out that anything that causes me that much stress isn't something I really want to do.

But a friend directed me to a dating app I hadn't heard of before - not one of the usual dating apps -  and I have a tentative coffee date Saturday afternoon. Just settling on the time. I'm a little anxious about it, but a good anxiety. I hope we pick a time soon and get to meet.

On the homefront, I've continued to get my house back in physical order. I've continued using my maid bi-weekly, and she's a godsend. 2 weeks is about how long my house can handle not being cleaned before it starts to look rough. She does a great job with my house, though, and it's because she does that I don't have the anxiety about having other service people in my house. I'm not ashamed of the condition anymore.

This week I've had COIT out to clean the air vents and shampoo the carpets. Talked with a painter today about getting the rooms all freshly painted; I'm working out the numbers now as to how much I can afford, or how to afford all I want to do. The painting is much more expensive than I had imagined. But I know how crappy it would look if I painted it myself. I don't have the patience for stuff like that. I'd rush it and it would look like I rushed it.

I still have some work I want to do outside, and that I probably can do with a friend's help on a Saturday.

Doing all of this makes me feel more normal. And to all the people who would tell me that I should just love who I am and that there is no "normal" - please don't talk to me :P

I got an email from one of the unsecured loan companies yesterday - because of my 8 months or so of on-time payments they were "allowing" me to request an additional loan.  I qualified for a loan that will let me pay off the 2 unsecured loans I currently have, and the outstanding balance on my 401(k) loan.  I'll also be able to get a new 401(k) loan that I can do for 4 years (the current loan was for 2 years) so the payments will be slightly lower than I have now.

I have 4 credit cards that are each maxed out. I will be able pay off 3 of them, and start working on the one with the largest balance.  I need to cut up those cards.

All in all I should clear between $300 and $400 monthly. 

And I'd have a few thousand dollars left as a cushion in my bank while everything shakes out.

Depending on how my taxes shake out, I might also be able to reduce my withholding, and add a little extra to my paychecks, 

That makes me feel a lot better about my money troubles. Really it's just shuffling debt, but the payments should be better for me.

My weekslong weight plateau gave way at the start of the month. I'm down 17 pounds since January 6th. Just over 8 pounds from dropping into the 300's, and 33 pounds away from what I weighed when I was 20.

I had a really good talk with my associate pastor last week.  He was very comforting, empathetic, supportive and graceful. He told me about a Christian author who one of his professors had him read. The author is gay but a Christian. And apparently in his books he works through that. What was most interesting to me is I posted a pic of the books on my FB, and my liberal/gay and conservative/straight friends were effusive in their praise of the author. That gives me hope for the books. And I'm going to continue meeting with my pastor every couple of weeks.