(I Can Show You) Incredible Things

“You told me on the day that you left me, to take real good care of myself.  But it’s so hard to do, if I can’t have  you here to hold me when I want nobody else.”

It’s been eleven days since he left.  Just eleven.  I woke up sick that morning, and I’m still sick today.  I have not been taking good care of myself.  And it really is so hard to do when the only person I want to hold me isn’t there.  Who am I supposed to turn to now?  

I still love him and hate him.  I still want him back.  It’s stupid.  Inconceivable even.  And I have moments of clarity where I realize how ridiculous the thought of ever getting back together truly is and I know deep down in my heart that even IF there was a chance for it to happen, it just wouldn’t be a good idea.

But I miss my family.  I want my little family back.  It’s not the same with just the three of us girls in our house.  We miss him so very much and I for one miss the life we used to have.  

But he’s happy now.  Whatever he’s doing now, he’s happy.  And he has absolutely no intentions of coming back and every intention of running the course he’s currently on.  And it’s so sickening to me.

I don’t understand what I did that was so horrible that he would want to throw all of the years we shared together away.  I sincerely think he is going through a quarter life crisis and I think he is going to fall hard from this.  And I don’t know what the future holds or if he will ever want to come back or if I will even want him to.  I love him.  I do.  But with each passing day I realize more and more that I just cannot sit around and wait for him to change his mind and come home.... It’s not realistic, nor is it feasible.  And, I am blabbering.

He has recently said some very hurtful things to me that cause me to react in a bad way and make things even messier.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want that for our kids.  We HAVE to be civil.  No matter how hurt I am or how much I’m screaming inside, we have got to be civil.  The less drama the better.  We have to make this work, however it’s going to.  No matter what the future holds for the two of us as individuals, we will forever be connected by those children.  We have to do what’s best for them.

My dearest husband,

I love you. Even after all the pain, hurt, tears, and damage you’ve caused me, I still love you. And I’m an idiot for it. But I do.

I wasn’t the best wife, that I admit. I did take you for granted. I could have given you more attention. I struggled with insecurity and doubt in my abilities to take care of you like a good wife should. But, I wasn’t a terrible one, either. And I was finally at a point where I truly believed you’d never leave.

I loved you so very deeply. You swept me off my feet when we were both just sixteen years old, and I fell head over heels in love with you. There was never anyone else I wanted to spend my life with. I always knew you were it for me. When you didn’t know, I did. You were EVERYTHING. Everything I ever wanted.

But I was never enough for you. Someone else always came along. She was always someone better. At least, for a little while. And then, you’d come back to me. And I was always waiting for you with open arms. And maybe a few tears. Every single time.

In our fourteen years together, I can count at least seven “someone elses”. Seven. And those are only the ones I found out about.

You even had a child with one of those “someone else’s”, and I have helped you raise that child for ten years.

Two more precious children would follow. Ours. The greatest gifts you have ever given to me, and I to you. Beautiful little people that our love created.

In fourteen years, I have been a good faithful wife, and I have given you a beautiful family. I have never once wandered. I have never lain with another man but you. You are ALL I know. You were everything.

But time and time again, you pushed me aside to pursue selfish impulsions. And after all I’ve given you in fourteen years, and everything I have stood by in those years, we find ourselves in this place yet again. There is someone else. And she’s better than me. But my dear, she will only be better than me for a little while.

Fourteen years.

At least seven times, you have wandered.

I won’t be waiting this time.

You’re with her right now as these words flow from my fingertips.

She will never love you like I did. She will never be as devoted to you as I was.

And we are telling our babies this weekend that you’re moving out. Just imagining their faces when we tell them is enough to break my heart all over again.

I will love you forever. I will miss you. I’ll never forget the good times. But I’ll never forget the bad, either. And this time has been the worst.

You threw us away for someone else.

How can I ever forgive you?

Love always,

It feels like we’re not even together anymore.  It’s as if we’re roommates exchanging pleasantries and small talk as we pass each other by.  I don’t think he loves me anymore and I don’t think he’s coming back once he leaves.  And as much as i don’t want to think about it or believe it, I do believe with all my heart that he IS going to leave.  And, I just don’t know what’s going to happen after that.  My emotions are all over the place.  I don’t want to lose my family but it’s happening.  I’ll be a single mother.  My family will be me and my two girls.  Husband/dad gone.  Step-daughter gone.  He says I’m not a bad person. I know that.  But what the hell is so wrong with me that I can’t keep my husband?  He doesn’t want me.  He’s not leaving the kids.  He’s leaving ME.  I can’t say I blame him.  I haven’t exactly done anything to keep him around.  Except love him and forgive him time and time again every time he has hurt me.  I’ve never hurt him in the ways he’s hurt me.    And he’s just going to keep on doing it, isn’t he?  He doesn’t mean to.  I know he doesn’t want to hurt me.  But the fact remains that he does.  He wants me to “change”, but will he ever change?  

I’ve spent all day today feeling like a cold hearted bitch.  I was pissed at him.  I didn’t talk to him.  Didn’t text him except to check on our wee little one.  And I felt good about being pissed at him, because I felt like he deserved it.  But now, seeing as my emotions are “all over the place”, I’m sad, devastated, broken, numb... all of the above and everything in between.  

I don’t want this.  I’m NOT happy about this.  I’m mad.  I’m sad.  I’m angry.  I’m complacent.  I’ve come to terms that THIS IS HAPPENING.  I will try to remain as strong as possible in every aspect.  If he decides to, if I even let him, he’s not just going to come back into my open arms.  He’s hurting me, tormenting me inside, and I’m going to welcome him back?  No.  Do I even want him back?  I don’t know.  Yes.  Maybe?  I’m so tired of being hurt.

I told him today that if he met someone, if he was leaving me for someone, or if he meets someone while we’re going through this... That’s it.  It’s done and over with, no questions asked.  Because if he’s going to do that to me, to us, then what’s the point in trying to save anything?  It’s absolutely pointless.  He told me I was right.  Yes.  I am.

Work was long and it was the last place I wanted to be today.  I said another goodbye, a hard one, and I was also theoretically slapped in the face by the people at the corporate offices.  I just wanted to be anywhere but there.

I was dreading going home, because I thought I would feel more of the same.  It’s not easy being in a house with someone you love who seemingly doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.  But I didn’t let him control my emotions today.  Enough.  I’ve had enough.

It was a beautiful day.  It had been a wet and rainy morning, but at 5:00pm, the rain clouds had moved on, the sun was shining, and the air was cool and crisp. So while my husband wallowed in self pity, for whatever reason, he won’t tell me or anybody else, our girls and myself left and got out of this house for a change.  

We went to the Hundred Acre Wood at the Indianapolis Museum of Art.  It was a new adventure for us, as we had never been there before today.  It was beautiful.  And amazing.  And we had one of the absolute best days, or evenings, I should say.  It was only two hours, but the new little discoveries and bonding time and even the fresh air and exercise was so perfect, and just what I needed.  I always know it was a good day when my youngest daughter tells me, “Mommy, this was the best day ever.”  Her older sister used to say the same things.  It was a good day. :)

I’m going to be just fine.  I have to be.  Because of those girls.  They need me.  And I need them.  They are all I will ever need.

I would love for nothing more than to keep my family together.  But you know what?  It should be natural.  It shouldn’t be a struggle.  It’s going to hurt like hell, but I’ll be okay.  I might even be better.

Breathe.  Be strong.  Be happy.  Live.  Be a great mom.  And listen to great music.  I just need to do those things.

He stays gone.  He’s never home.  Maybe this is the end and maybe it’s whats for the best, but God help me, it’s not what I want.

Honestly, I am completely blindsided.  I’ve drowned myself in misery before, but I was better now.  I was okay.  I was happy.  For once.  But I guess he isn’t.

This happens every couple of years.  And it’s always his doing.  So maybe it’s what’s best.  I’m just tired.  If he’s going to go through with it, then just go and get it over.

Hurt me now, get it over, if you’ve got leaving on your mind.

My heightened senses of fear, panic, and the need to protect are in overdrive when it comes to my children.  We had a nice walk and talk after dinner tonight and even though I feel helpless and broken, I was so happy to be with them and at that moment, nothing else mattered.  They will get me through this.  I have to be strong for them, and so they will save me from myself while I fight to protect them.

This isn’t new to me.  I’ve been down this road before.  And that really  pisses me off.  How dare he put me through this.  How dare he continue to hurt me time and time again and use some excuse like, “I’m doing this to try to save our marriage.”

I have been through so many different emotions throughout this whole thing.  I think it’s safe to say that right now, I am angry.  So very angry.  But what’s funny is that when I started writing this just a few moments ago, I was sad and listening to Patsy Cline.

Oh Patsy, I have a feeling you’ll be getting me through this, too.

And fuck you, you dick, for making fun of my singing voice.  I can sing a hell of a lot better than you ever could.

There are so many changes happening right now in my life.  A lot of them, I can’t really talk about to anyone.  It has been a rough couple of weeks.

I am leaving the job I’ve held down for eight long years.  It wasn’t always the best job, but it paid my bills and supported my family.  I am so happy to be moving on to something better, but I have been so heartbroken at the same time.  I won’t miss the job, but I will miss my work family tremendously.  Nancy I will miss most of all.  And I hope we keep in touch.  LaShaun, who has always believed in me.  Patrick, who I trust completely.  Mike is already gone and I’ve missed him so much.  Fed Ex Rick.... It’s going to be hard to tell him I’ll never see him again.  And the regular guests I’m so used to seeing.  Mr. Eberts.  Fred.   The guy who rents our meeting room once a month who reminds me of Josh Duhamel.  (I know his name, but I think the Josh Duhamel reference will suffice.)  It’s absolutely going to break my heart into a million pieces to leave.

My husband quit his job about three weeks ago.  With his fists.  A troublemaker got in his face and was being insubordinate, and after being told several times to get out of his face, my husband decided to physically get him out of his face.  By punching him in his.  A lot.  Three other guys had to hold him back and pull him off the guy.  It was bad.  So now, he is unemployed.  And I have no idea what’s going to happen.  He got hired right away somewhere else, pending clean background and drug test results, which were to come back in “seven to ten” days.  Tomorrow morning is day ten.  I hope he hears back soon.  But even then, I’m torn.

We are going through some deeper things right now.  Like I said, lots of changes.  We may even be separating.  I don’t know if I want that or not.  I don’t think that I do.  And I’m just so up in the air about everything.  There are a lot of “what if’s” going ‘round and ‘round in my head.  What if he doesn’t come back?  What if I don’t want him to come back?  What if I do want him to come back, but he doesn’t want to?  I think I just want my family.  And I have no idea what went wrong.  He just became very distant all of a sudden.  I think he’s going through something deeper.  Something neither of us can really control.  It seems a lot of men his age that I know right now are “going through something”.  I didn’t think 30 was mid-life-crisis worthy.  I thought that came a little later.  I just know, I don’t want to be dealing with this or going through this and I think it may do more damage than good.  He thinks this will “save” our marriage.  And I just don’t know.

I think I might start taking my medication again.  But I really don’t think it helped at all.  I didn’t feel a bit different.  Just sick.  I was sick to my stomach every day on that shit.

This is all just too much.  And I think, that I don’t really want to think about it at all anymore.  I want to not think about it.  Not talk about it.  Until the time comes.  And then, I guess we’ll talk about it.

For now, I’m numb and completely broken down.

So maybe this will be a good thing.  And I think that’s what I’m afraid of most.