Welcome to my mind.

I don't process emotions properly.  And maybe that's why I'll never have lasting relationships with people.  And I'm starting to wonder if something is fundamentally wrong with me.

On my campus, people get away with having pets in their apartment by claiming the pets are for 'emotional support'.  This happens so much that having an emotional support animal has become somewhat of a joke.  But I can honestly say that if I did not have my cat with me, I don't think I'd still be here today.

I try and tell myself that I'm comfortable being alone.  Lately I've been spending time doing things that I don't like with people I don't particularly care for just so I won't be alone.

I was doing so well but I've been spiraling in the last few days and it's getting so hard to pretend like I'm okay.

I keep telling myself that we were the right people who just met at the wrong time.  Maybe one day...I'll actually believe it.

For the first time in a long time, I can actually say that I'm okay and it is so comforting.

Sometimes I stay up late and think about all of the people I've hurt and wonder if they ever stay up thinking of me too.

I've been spending a lot of time in my own head lately, and it's terrifying.

Someone told me I work so much to avoid my problems.  I told them I had to go to work.

May 23, 2015

No combination of words seems sufficient enough anymore.

It's been a good month and I'm hoping it only gets better.

Trust me - one day, you'll wake up and everything will be fine.  Things may not be perfect, but you'll learn to live with what you've been given and what you've had to suffer through.  You'll get through this.

Due to my personality, I am inclined to look for logic and reason in all things that happen in my life.  I am inclined to believe that there is an explanation for every single thing that happens, an explanation that is grounded in tangible reality.   Yet as a person, I find that there are some occurrences that just can’t be explained the way I would like them - things like why people slowly grow apart but never realize that they have until they’re too long gone, why I sometimes can feel so sad even though nothing seems to have provoked such emotions, or why late nights seem to be the only moment when people are most vulnerable to the very same thoughts that run through their minds during the day.   I am beginning to realize that some things just occur without any sufficient reasoning, but I still want to find sound logic behind what happens in my life because I need stability, stability which I can only find through reason.

I hold myself accountable for everything.

When I graduated high school, I thought I had a pretty solid idea of what I wanted to do with my life - I was going to graduate college after 4 years, get a good job, make a lot of money, see the world, and so on and so forth. Then I got to college and all I've been learning so far is that 18 is an awfully young age to think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. And 18 year old me would have been so scared about not having an exact plan, but 20 year old me is pretty at peace with just taking life one day at a time.

I'm starting to accept that life isn't a straight line.