10 Things All Twenty-Somethings Need To Understand
1. Work is hard work - Now, you dumb twenty somethings may think you can graduate from UCLA with a degree in theoretical pottery and just get a job right away making six million dollars a second, but the truth is that in order to make any money you’ve got to actually do some work! Nobody’s going to pay you to eat potato chips and watch Family Feud all day! I don’t know why you think that people will! THATS NOT A REAL JOB!!!
2. You’re not special - There are 20 something other 20 somethings out there that are just like you. They all have iPhones and hot dog tattoos too. You’re not quirky. You’re not trendy. And you’re not as cool as you think you are. Get off your ipad and start doing something worthwhile you stupid piece of shit.
3. Art is stupid - I know all you 20 somethings out there think that art is fun, and cool, and a great way to make a lot of money really quick, but it’s not. It’s weird to me that an entire generation of people only want to be artists. Who is going to make our bridges? Who is going to run the country? Everyone will be too busy commenting on society to actually participate in it! I read a study recently that I wrote, and it said that 100% of people between the ages of 20 and 29 can’t do basic algebra. It’s disgraceful! Put down the pastels, and pick up a calculator, you jagoffs!
4. You’ve got to be nice! - Listen. I get it. The internet has turned you all into a bunch of hate-mongering rage junkies, but hey, if you want to get along in the professional world, then you’ve got to learn to be nice to people. If someone comes up to you, you can’t just slap them in the face and call them a retard! You’ve got to be polite! Shake their hand. Say hello. Ask them how they are. I’m sick of twenty somethings stabbing me in the stomach every time I try to ask them for the time. It’s ridiculous!
5. Don’t buy six hundred bottles of 5-hour energy - That stuff is expensive! And come on, when are you actually going to drink that much 5 hour energy? What do you even need that much energy for? Searching the internet for sloth videos? Fuck you.
6. Fire is hot - Don’t touch fire, you guys. It’s really hot. I know you never learned this because it wasn’t in your mom and dad’s book on how to be a perfect parent, but fire really is hot. Who knows, maybe in ten years we won’t need fire to cook things anymore, and we’ll just use cool-to-the-touch solar panels, but until then, keep your fingers away from those flames you morons!
7. The Job market is a literal market - I’m serious you guys. You don’t have to go on interviews, or try to get a job from your parents. Just go down to the job market, and buy one! Try to find fresh jobs though. Sometimes if you go later in the day they might try to sell you some stale jobs, like Bag Boy at a Jewel Osco, or something. Don’t get tricked by job vendors! Food service is not fun!
8. You’re not good at things - Ok people, I know that when you were a little kid you got a trophy every time you tied your goddamn shoes, but out here in the real world, that ain’t gonna happen! In the real world, you don’t get praised for every little thing you do right. Maybe if you do a funny dance someone might throw pennies at your face, but other than that, get ready for some serious disappointments, because let me tell you buster, you have no skills whatsoever. All you’re qualified to do is make stupid faces, and get in the way on escalators, and you’re barely qualified to do that, you entitled little fuck!
9. I hate you - This generation is a bunch of fucking losers. All they do is send text messages, and tweet pictures of their junk at each other! They all think they’re writers and artists, when really they’re just a bunch of morons with neck tattoos! If you ask me, this whole generation should be wiped off the map! When I was a kid, we listened to our elders! When I was a kid, we understood the value of a dollar! When I was a kid, I was molested by my babysitter George! When I was a- oh my god… George… I reached up to get the cookies off the refrigerator and… oh my god… I can’t believe he… I must have repressed it all this time…. Jesus, what a breakthrough. Hold on. I’m sorry. I have to call my therapist…. Hello? Dr. Robbins? Yeah, it’s Brad. You can cancel that hypnotist, because I think I figured it out on my own…. Yeah… Thank you… I know… Can I come in today?… Yeah…. Great. Two O’ Clock? Sure… Thank you doctor. See you then…Wow. I’ve got to go. I’m going to be late. Sorry. I’ll have to finish this list some other time. Jesus christ. What a week.
10. Lists are dumb - Hey guys. It’s me. Hal. I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today. You shouldn’t listen to dumb lists on the internet, especially ones that generalize entire groups of people. Saying that all twenty somethings are a bunch of lazy idiots is no better than saying that all women are crazy, or that all black people have radios in their heads that allow them to communicate with other worlds. It’s prejudice. Plain and simple.
I’ve read a number of these lists on the internet and to be honest they peev me off more than a little bit. They’re supposedly full of great advice, and the people who write these lists probably think they’re helping. They think they’re doling out harsh truths to a generation of entitled idiots, but really they’re just crotchety old fools that got molested, and are looking for someone to take it out on. People who generalize groups of people are stupid. People who write lists are stupid. And old people are stupid! They can’t even work a VCR! How are they gonna tell me how to live my life?! Who even has a VCR any more?! nobody! Nobody except OLD PEOPLE!!! I’m surprised they were even able to post those dumb lists on the internet with all that arthritis tearing through their joints. Hell, I’m surprised they even know how to access the internet! I’m surprised they even remember how to speak english! FUCK OLD PEOPLE!!! I’M SO GODDAMN MAD! JESUS CHRIST! I need to relax! Ok. Ok. Ok. One. Two. Three. Four. Oh GODDAMN IT! I can’t calm down! Hold on… Hello? Dr. Robbins? Yeah. It’s Hal… MY ANGER IS ACTING UP AGAIN!!! Can I come in today?… You’re already in a meeting? With who? Brad!? But he’s just a character I made up! Ok. Thank you doctor. I’ll be there in an hour. So long. Jesus christ. What a week.
