I shit posts

Sir, please take the egg out of your shirt. We can all see it. Sir- sir please stop running you're going to dr- *sound of egg hitting floor* sigh sir please stop licking the egg on the floor.

Oh fuck oh shit oh no guys you gotta- you gotta help me! They found my collection of-

Smile today. Smile at everyone you meet, and especially at strangers. They will be checking that you are smiling, so better safe than sorry.

Have a good day today, it's your last

Guest bedrooms that seem smaller than they are. Is it smaller today than yesterday? Tomorrow the bed takes up the whole floor. By the end of your stay, you are stuck. The ceiling presses you flat, your hand can barely fit through the door. When the next guest arrives, it is bigger than before you arrived.

While cats and dogs fight, the toads and rats have made an alliance. Beware the dark corners you can't quite see and the soggy mud you just stepped in.

Sometimes when you've been awake for three days and your dog has 3 more eyes than usual, you just gotta make yourself the first full meal, even if the toast has fingers and the sausage has nails.

'unleash the crabs!' i bellow. thousands of crabs scurry in and battle mushrooms

How many toes does your dog have? Are you sure? That seems weird. Might wanna call the police.

When all else fails remember that one day the government will come to your house and take away everything that you love and that will be just fine.

Remember that fate has a plan for everyone. And you'll probably be fine. Maybe. There's a 24.5% chance.

You must never cheat toast without giving the butters of time

Many things aren't real. You want to know what's real? Then it's the Illuminati. Yup. For sure.

When tragedy strikes it's a love-hate relationship. We both love it and hate it.

The prophecy states: you'll understand when you're older