Words.

I’m just waiting on the day you tell me you’ve found someone. I’m waiting on the day you completely remove me out of your life. I’m waiting on your goodbye.

It’s the only way I’ll probably ever go away…

But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly say goodbye..

I thought by now I would be over this. I thought that writing on here would've ended years ago. but here I am writing... keeping myself from texting you a long paragraph that you will more than likely ignore or tell me something that I probably wouldn't want to hear.

for the last five years I tried to forget you. I tried dating, therapy, moving but yet nothing has helped. nobody seems to amount to you, every time I think someone could help me forget you I realize that I am just comparing and analyzing everything that is not like you. because of you I crave a love so strong that is probably impossible to find. I crave a guy that opens the door, takes out the trash, cooks, loves and teaches me something new everyday. I crave a love like the one you used to give me after November 2019.

even though it's been five years it seems like every time we make love it's like the first time all over again. seems like when you simply hug me I am at ease with everything around me. when your lips touch my lips I feel this vibration in my body that is hard to explain. every time we meet again I hope that this time around you tell me how you really feel. you tell me that this is where we both belong with each other. but I know you never will. I've come to the conclusion that for you this is just something that will never happen again and I am just delusional.

for the past three weeks I've had constant dreams where you play the main character and what I hate the most is that every dream is beautiful. in every dream we are happy, we are in good spirits. I hate it because my delusion has led me to believe that those dreams will one day be true again. I am so deeply in love that I am blinding my self with all this. I am scared for myself.

the last time I saw you I could see the pain that I once saw when you said to me "I'm just dealing with a lot." that was in June of 2019 I remember the hurt in your eyes but I didn't know what was wrong then and I don't know what is wrong now but I do know that something again isn't right. the only thing that is different is that I might be able to have a better guess there's only a few things that could be wrong.

I know I probably shouldn't have been there... in your house with your family in a space that I once used to be in and was welcomed without any hesitation but I don't think you understand the warmth it brought to my heart even when you weren't there. then seeing your face and the look in your eyes confirmed that maybe this is not a space you want to see me in anymore, and that is understandable. I also have to learn that it is not all about me. I have to understand that you no longer want me around and that although this is all I ever wanted this is no longer your dream.

if you knew I cry every night for you, you'd probably think I'm crazy. you'd probably think that I am exaggerating but if you just knew that I am angry with myself for not being able to love you the way you wanted me to. I am angry because I know that you too did wrong. I am angry because I have to continue my life without you. I am angry because every time I see you I fall deeper in love with you. I am angry because I know that one day you will find someone and they will be the luckiest person in the world to have you. I am angry because I know that one day you will love again, so unruly that I will no longer be a factor.

throughout the years I've learn to love myself stronger, I have learned that who ever I choose to love next I will make sure to love the right way. I have taught myself that no matter how much you may love someone it does not mean they will love you back. these years have been tough but rewarding in a strange way. I have learned that although I want to be over you I rather not be just yet. I have accepted that until I can fully be over you I won't rush it. I am ok with being single until I have completely been over you because then I just spend most of the time comparing whoever I am dating to you.

this is long and you probably won't read this but if you do I want you to understand one thing, I will never ask God to help me forget you. I love, loving you and I'll be ok loving you alone. I'll be ok not finding anyone else but I just hope that throughout it all you find someone to love you endlessly and that you love someone the same way. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace.

I love you.

little things like not being able to open a bottle made me cry.

while being at work i cried simply because i was fixing everything.

i cried when i realized i can’t pick up the phone and call you.