Shelby

I have been getting better. I haven’t posted because I’ve been focusing more on myself and the people around me. I want to be a musician, I want to get my name out there in music. But I have so many boundaries and obstacles I don’t know where I should start. Good things come with time and effort given by the individual, even if you don’t see or believe it. I am just waiting for my time to come, I’ve got a few years before I have to settle on big choices for me and my friends. Good things can happen to anyone, even if they think they have a shitty life, that is just their outlook on it. 

I have so many aspirations but I sometimes wonder if I’ll even reach them honestly. I could be an actor, I could be an artist, I could be a musician, a veterinarian, I don’t even bother to think about it anymore. It makes me feel numb and shrivel inside. My heart feels like it’s about to burst, I feel like I’ve swallowed hair and blood, it hurts. I don’t even know if my friends are my friends, and have even wondered if the parents I live with are my biological ones. I don’t know if I have the freedom to think anymore.

I’ve been really busy. I was hospitalized, then put into PHP, and recently got out. It did help me, but I went to a horrible hospital for In-Patient. I have been doing better and I learned that I speech “disorder” I guess you would call it. It’s called selective mutism. It sucks because I’ve had it all my life but didn’t know until I am almost 15. The nearest person for therapy for it is an hour away, isn’t too bad but when you have to go daily it’s a challenge. Not many people know about it either. Some therapists that I saw had never heard of it at all.

I feel like I can’t fix anything and I have done the stupidest things in the book this week and I don’t know what to do, I can’t fix it and it’s just stuck there. There is nothing for me to do and I could just leave it alone but that’s like pouring salt in a wound.

So Hurricane Harvey is supposed to hit my town, fun. I remember when Ike hit us and I was maybe 5 or 6, and a year earlier was Katrina. It was a category 3 a few days ago but it got up to a category 4. This is gonna suckkkkkk

I have been...not my best to say the least. But I have found that funny videos always cheer me up, and maybe you should try it! There’s this one video that always makes me laugh and idk why, here’s the link to it :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-fFHZuIa40

Calming down has been such a struggle for me. Even when I’m on my meds, if something goes wrong, no matter how small it is, I freak out. I hit myself, I scream, I cry. I hate it.

I’m done with being positive. If I don’t care about myself anymore what is the point? No one loves me, I don’t love myself, I don’t love anyone, WHAT IS THE POINT? I hit myself daily, I am the clumsiest motherfucker on earth, I hurt myself daily, I cry over the stupidest shit, I disappoint my family. WHAT IS THE POINT OF STILL LIVING. I HAVE NO PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH ANYMORE. WE ARE BORN TO DIE, SO WHY CAN’T MY DEATH BE DECADES EARLY? 

For the past few years I have gotten into so many bands, and they did affect me very deeply and caused me to get into listening to more music and making music, but I have never seen a band like this. Neck Deep. Their lead vocalist, Ben Barlow, made me want to sing more, his smile makes me super happy...and I honestly think he’s really attractive. I saw them live when I didn’t even know who they were, and I really loved it. I cannot wait to see what they do next.

I went to my third Warped Tour today and had a blast. I found some new bands to listen to, got a vinyl, signed poster, shirt, hoodie, flag, and a photo with FRONZILLA! O M G!!

Warped Tour is tomorrow for me and I am so excited, I cannot wait. I have an outfit planned and I just CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF MMMMMM. lol. I don’t even have words. I know I want to get Movements and Neck Deep merch, I am new to Movements and had a Neck Deep shirt but it got too small lol. Until tomorrow...

Lately I’ve been spending more time with my family (including my oldest brother who lives on his own with his girlfriend) and I have been loving it. I’ve been treating both of my brothers better lately, and sometimes myself. Bipolar disorder is sometimes hard to deal with but I am happy that I have a battle to fight and maybe one day tell, and to teach with. I have also been given the title “Cat Whisperer” cause for some reason both of our family cats really love me and head bunt me (look up “head bunting” lol) and it’s super cool. I hope everyone is doing fine, and if you ever need, message me with help anytime.

As a kid I always loved Sleeping Beauty, and many other Walt Disney films, but for some reason this one always stood out to me, and I love hearing peoples takes on their music ad art. A few minutes ago I found this video and I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE! I knot it’s mostly just simple editing, and there are probably better ones, but this is the link to the video of the male version of “Once Upon A Dream.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQK_13Z4foQ

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I have found so many bands to base my music off of this year, and I hope to soon start a band, can’t wait to start writing and such, and I will ALWAYS update you guys on it. Last night was the APMAs and I was happy with a lot of the awards. YEE

2 years ago I got a fuji film polaroid camera and I had tried to take a picture everyday so I could save them as memories. I love doing it and seeing how I progressed and how my family and friends did too. I can’t wait to get even more and more, and soon I need a new box for it. I even took pictures when I was sick, I would do anything just to get one. There are some missing days but I got a ton so far, and I plan to keep doing it.

Hiya! Sometimes I post ranom poetry here that is short, but I post longer poetry on my wattpad which you are free to follow and suggest a poem for you or someone else. Thank you https://www.wattpad.com/422161767-poems-i-guess-beads-in-the-drain