z ☆

I'm good at writing about me, which is as tragic as the fairy godmother. about innocent ladies who prefer to bleed for a pair of deafening classics. about music in the dreary season. most ambiguous spectrum. who prefers and indeed I choose. I just want to. sleep with piano full of music and I would scream and sob all the time. and I will ask God. why the universe is getting richer and darker. maybe i am color blind. or I'm numb. or I breathe in the rain pouring on the window that has been in the damp for centuries. and I try to write down everything that's in my brain, not in my heart. up to thousands of pieces. millions. and then I'll stop. when I'm tired and start to give up. because my pain won't go away. ha ha.

She and Calder met. July didn't think it was a dream at all. And July never thought that Calder would still continue to visit her. Indeed, July thought she was really walking with Calder, in the rain, at nine o'clock, they were spending the night.

Calder felt cold,

and July accompanied by her sadness.

Really, July thought Calder was actually praising her that night,

"your eyes are beautiful," said Calder deeply, and July tried not to drown in her own emotion.

"Since when did the storm look so beautiful?" July replied,

Calder laughed.

For real, July thought they were eating spicy fried rice. July didn't finish her plate, and Calder said that July was too lost in the taste. Then July was confused because, for real, that night the sky was so beautiful. But, seriously again, they did not tie their hands to the lush of the moon.

Because July may be tied up with sadness,

and Calder felt cold.

Minggu nanti aku dan Nadia diundang mantan guru seni sma-ku, Pak Nin, untuk datang ke acara sastranya. Aduh, walaupun nanti di sana cuma nonton dan duduk aku tetep seseneng itu akhirnya punya alasan pergi :'D yang mengejutkan lagi, Pak Nin bilang ke Nadia kalau puisiku ......

Seneng banget kalau orang-orang suka😭

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim—

Akhir bulan Agustus kemarin, alhamdulillah Allah memberi jawaban. Resmi jadi mahasiswa! Dan hari ini sudah mulai kuliah😆

Banyak yang terjadi selepas terakhir posting kesedihan di sini. Banyak yang terjadi setelah—akhirnya—dapat ucapan "selamat". Sibuk ospek, sibuk menjadwal ulang semua kegiatan, sibuk ngobrol dengan teman baru (meski via WA), sibuk upload twibbon dan tugas seabrek!

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah for everything happens.

2020 adalah tahun yang gemar menguji, ajaib, sekaligus bikin deg degan setiap hari. Hari-hari ketika aku digenjot materi-materi UTBK yang sangat bikin pusing raga ini hahaha. Hari-hari yang full dengan pr di kepala : "hari ini harus latihan soal", "nanti harus ikut live class Zen*us", "hari ini kerjain TryOut", dll. Hari-hari begadang atau bahkan tidak tidur sampai pagi.

Hari-hari itu sudah kulewati, sudah jauh sekali di belakang walau rasanya baru kemarin, dan hari ini adalah hari apresiasi.

Terima kasih.

Terima kasih teman-teman @ tumblr yang sudah mendoakan. Semuanya sungguh orang-orang baik.

Semoga di tengah tahun yang banyak peliknya ini, kita selalu dapat kebahagiaan meski hanya senyuman.

When you're stressed, you eat ice cream, chocolate, and sweets.

It's been a year now; I think I've figured out how to think about you without ripping my heart out.

28 Agustus 2020, resmi menjadi saksi perjalanan hebatku. Hingga detik ini, sudah lima kali aku tidak lulus ujian ataupun seleksi mandiri PTN di UGM, UNS, UNNES, UNY.

Lalu hari ini aku benar-benar pasrah, rasanya ingin menangis ... tapi, sungguh, aku sudah tidak bisa. Aku mengecewakan Ibuk Bapak, guru-guruku, temen-temen, aku bahkan tidak berani memberi tahu mereka.

"Gapapa," aku cuma bisa menerima kata itu untuk sekarang. Aku cuma bisa nyemangatin diri sendiri dan mengobati perih dengan nulis di tumblr. Hahaha, it's so painful dear...

Tapi, sesakit apa pun ini, life must go on 'kan? Jadi, aku menepuk diriku dan menanam kalimat ini di hati : aku percaya Allah punya rencana yang lebih baik dari rencanaku sendiri. Kutanam hari ini dan semoga segera tumbuh jadi pohon yang mampu menopang diri.

Terakhir, teruntuk aku : terima kasih sudah berjalan jauh sampai sini, terima kasih sudah mau belajar terus, terima kasih untuk kerja keras, terima kasih sudah menangis, dan terima kasih sudah berjuang untuk tetap bertahan.