For Shayme

why do we always bash girls for poisoning their family with arsenic but never question if the family had bad vibes? or was unpleasant to be around?

i like how writing realistic worlds and characters is so important for so many writers to the point where they agonize over it. meanwhile lemony snicket was just like “death to reality. im gonna write this whole ass series and with god as my witness, absolutely fucking NOBODY is gonna act like a person.”

readers: what time and place is this set in? Daniel Handler: Yes.

me and the boys have a couple of chains wrapped around the sword in the stone hooked up to mikes toyota tundra gonna pull that fucker out like a tooth.

Me and the boys misunderstood the arcane nature of the stone and now the Toyota is king of England

the strongest bond is probably pad wings to themselves. the weakest is probably pad wings to your underwear

I love my partner more than anything but for the remaining like half hour we played every single time they guessed anything right I'd be like "OH? THE HEIGHT WAS CORRECT? WAS IT CORRECT THIS TIME?" and when they guessed wrong I'd be like "AH, I SEE THE HEIGHT WAS INCORRECT. THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FIXED THE HEIGHT" and they'd be like "You are SO angry"

Forgot about this post! Anyway there's a new Minions movie apparently and every time I see it I get so fucking steamed and I'm like "How's the HEIGHT, does it seem ON MODEL TO YOU" to my partner and they're like "You are still so mad"

you're not making enough of stone fruit season. that's another thing you're fucking up. a few dozen stone fruit seasons you get your whole life. you need to take a hard look at your peach and mango consumption.

Some of the categories for the NYT Connections fills me with hatred and wrath. What do you mean “dog breeds with the first letter changed” i’ll kill you