Laidee of the Night

I’m not trying to live in the past, get stuck in memories and moments frozen in time. I’m not the same person you met, who left, who you didn’t want any further communication from. I’m sure you’re not the same person either. I wish I could see you again, but also is that my stupid over romanization brain at it again?? But I can’t downplay the feels when we were together…there was love there and it still hurts that cord is broken.

3 years isn’t something to take lightly. I’m still holding it in my heart, unsure of what to do with it. It’s gotten easier I guess. The meds have helped, getting a dog, that forces me to be outside constantly. I’m filling my time with activities I should’ve been doing for myself a long time ago. It makes me feel bad and sad, but I gotta face realities.

I wonder if you think of me, then my next feelings are ‘if course she does’ and then that makes me feel like a jackass as well (it feels so main character syndrome but my intention is to mean how relevant we were to each other for an extended period of time). You wouldn’t block me if you didn’t care, you would just ignore my presence. But I don’t like ruminating like this on why anymore bc that doesn’t really matter. That kind of thinking is what gets me into those weird holes

Today is my 130 class since I started in April. I haven’t really been consistent with ANY workout to this extent since probably lacrosse back in high school (over half my life ago if I think about it too much…). Even when I tried rugby in college, I only lasted the first semester/semester and a half. Yoga was cool for my month membership after a bad heartbreak in 2012, and I always intended to get back into it.

But this time it does feel like I’m showing up for myself…at least most days. I started just on a whim because jess went to a few classes and I just wanted to get out of the house…I figured it’s 50 mins of my life if I don’t vibe with it, and she offered me one of her credits to incentivize me lol. In the beginning, I definitely wasn’t in the right head space. But as time went on, as it goes on, I get more confident coming into class, trying to challenge myself. It’s been helping me try to feel more present in my body, move with intention. I love when the instructors tell us to meet our body where it’s at…knowing it’s always me vs me. One of my instructors, Mel, says that showing up is half the battle, and we should be proud of ourselves for doing that. And honestly, that’s kind of how I took it at the beginning (which was before I even met her so when i first met her it really resonated with me). Like a few months ago life just kinda sucked, so Pilates helped me move/at least feel like I’m doing something for myself.

94.2lb vs 109.2

I’m over 3 months back on T and antidepressants. Did my 100th Pilates class a few days ago. Just trying to get mindful and control and present in my own body. Some days I feel really tuned in, others are louder, heavier, but also cloudier. Trying to document what I do in my planner so I can look at the progress and try to frame things more positively. I’m so good at putting myself down and holding myself back, so it’s been refreshing trying to just lean into things and try to be consistent.

I still don’t really know what path I’m on. I don’t really have solid goals or plans at the moment, but I’m trying to recalibrate. Saying yes to more spontaneous experiences. Trying to find and listen to my inner voice, connecting with nature and myself more.

I miss playing games with you. I impulse bought a switch 2 yesterday. Booted up Mariokart and imagined how fun it would be together…it felt nice to imagine, but then I let that thought pass and tried to create a new memory//refinding my own old haunts within these worlds that I have known since childhood and looking to ones I have yet to even meet yet.

Do you look back or does it cause too much pain and hurt?? Do you look forward and see a place where we can reconnect and find a space in life for each others presence?? Or are you just focusing on your present, the parts of life where I don’t exist?? They are all real feels, I just wonder how your heart sits these days.

I wish I could just hold your hand, feel the warmth of your hug. You always felt so lovely to hug and take in. I miss your jokes and silliness in my life. I miss seeing you and being seen by you.

I don’t doubt that we will always have love for each other because that never faded, it just couldn’t work anymore and we both knew it. Sometimes I do feel guilty for saying the words to end it, but by that point we already hadn’t talked in over a week…but that’s the past.

Every day we creep a lil further into the past of each others lives, only to exist in the memories we choose to remember or forget. I never wanted to be strangers. I always wanted you in my life and made it clear in many ways. But by the time it was done I clung on too tight, and you were disengaged from me. I understand why we aren’t talking right now but I hope one day maybe we can foster some connection.

I hope you are doing alright out there, not overworking yourself. Finding out more about you and fostering love into your life. You have so much strength and I don’t know if you see it or not. You are a supportive force for people and I love how much you care about the things you love.

I’m sorry I broke your heart I always wanted to hold it close to mine. I’m sorry I let my insecurities and paranoia get the best of me at the end, I just was inferring reality based on the signs and actions because the communication wasn’t there and it felt like things didn’t add up anymore.

Don’t even want to smoke weed because I already feel fucked up. Don’t have any desire to eat, just vape. I managed to have a boost high cal drink and a sausage McMuffin earlier which is more cals than I’ve prob had during any other single sit down since I started these meds.

Just feel so not myself right now. This week went by weirdly fast. I sit at home sometimes and think it doesn’t even matter what I do. I’ve tried to lean into the kitties for extra love. Me and Gabi have gotten so close, my lil shadow.

I managed to take myself to Pilates yesterday and during the warmup I just started feeling so freaking weird I can’t even describe how but I’m like oh shit idk if I can even do this…but I’m like Shawn it’s okay just try to calm down like this is 50 mins to try to feel more present in your body, not disconnected and strange. But physically it was so disorienting, but I made it through the class and I feel like I did feel a tad more me after.

Got on PReP (they even gave me the apertude shot before I left the office yesterday!!). Filled out paperwork for birth control for my first time ever (gonna get the nexplanon implant which has nervous feels attached to the 3 year commitment, but I just feel like that would be better than having more pills to take daily and pregnancy is NOT in my plans). Got a script filled to get back on antidepressants (just gotta pick them up today).

As for the T, I had to set up a diff appt with the same Dr. apparently the clinic is weird about HRT so the dr also runs a private teleheath service so that they can prescribe meds to their trans patients. So I filled out my intake for that, hopefully will have a script for T in the next few days. I’ve waited so long without making any progress, now that I see progress being made, I don’t mind waiting some here and there when I KNOW it’s coming.

Made an appt for my first Pap smear in many many years for next week, made an appt for my next prep shot, and my follow up. Feel like I’m actually working towards stuff. Feels good. I felt really comfortable at the office, never felt like they or I were being awkward asking me questions about my genital health and period cycles and everything else that makes me cringe when asked by ppl not as familiar with trans folks.

Sometimes I love when my words of sweetness and gratitude can bring someone to tears. I’m a very emotional person not afraid of showing it so I really appreciate others who feel those too. My words always come from the heart and it brings me joy to shower people with genuine sweetness and show them some love they give to others around them everyday.

I told her I really love how she always reminds us of gratitude at the end of every class, and I’ve been trying to take some of her positivity and bring it into other parts of my life and she’s really helped me, both physically and mentally. She always shows up, she sees us as more than just her students. She opened up about some of her own insecurities and how she spent so much time focusing on others and how she forgot to show up for herself in the past…it really resonated with me. I’m glad she can hear the impact she has on others including me, another girl in class got her a gift, and one of two ppl in the class after me had goodies for her as well if seemed sweet.

I find myself forming all of these connections with people that aren’t like friendship or romantic, but different. I’m not building a support system of one or a few to hold me up, but I am trying to build up myself and hold onto the gentle, sweet moments I have with others to keep me going. Use the people I see already in my life in these new spaces I’ve come to find the last few months as beacons, mentors, something stable that I can form slowly, naturally. I try to look ppl in the eyes more, walk around with a slight smile, open body…I try to greet people regularly (just a nod or a hi nothing serious) , especially those people in life that you always seem to run into and don’t actually know…people on my walking to work route, neighbors, the dudes who work in my community.

Just trying to appreciate what I have while my world tries to grow slowly, but surely. I spent years complaining about how I don’t have friends out here, don’t have a community, don’t feel seen by others. But I realize now I closed myself off to those opportunities, sank deeper into that darkness. I stuck with the comfortable, staying in bed, staying distant from others while secretly craving others to see me.

Still upset about things with Maria ending. It doesn’t live in my head all day everyday, but it still passes through my mind daily in different ways. It’s been almost six months already, I still have so much love for that sweet girl, but we were both so worn down by the time it ended. It just sucks because I know we did have a lot of love for each other, and I know I still do and she prob does but wouldn’t say it to me. But I know her heart and she knows mine and it was the second longest relationship I’ve had other than jess. I think neither of us wanted to leave and both got so passive and complacent and just couldn’t dig out of that hole. I didn’t want to sometimes. But I started getting sick so much, my body was telling me somethings gotta give.

I do wonder how she is sometimes, but I can’t get myself carried away with those thoughts. I have no way of knowing and I have no desire to seek out info not directly provided to me by that person so it would just be my heart vs my brain creating false narratives of someone I haven’t even spoken a word to in almost 50 days. I just hope she’s taking care of herself, hope she doesn’t have tummy issues these days, hope her cat is doing well, hope she is surrounded by good fun light vibes like she wanted.

I’ve been working towards this moment actively since Feb/March and everytime it feels like I’m getting so close and almost there, weird insurance or dr stuff happens that closes the door again.

I remember in jan 2021, a few months before we moved to Vegas. I was on a similar journey. Trying to get hormones again, trying to get on some antidepressants. I finally found a primary care who actually was trans and really helped me feel seen at the drs. I got back on my meds, but it was short lived. We moved to Vegas in late March and I never went back to find a new dr. I doubt I even took enough T during that time to become regulated again. 4.5 years later but back on the same journey.