elvira’s strap on

aries: stop sucking dick and go get a real job

taurus: liquor is not the only beverage. try water.

gemini: if u want to be less hated, maybe stay in one room and one room only this entire year

cancer: tissues exist. so stop fucking crying and get a move on if u want people to respect u more

leo: believe it or not, there is a world outside of your little big headed bubble. explore that shit.

virgo: get a big ass cup of coffee and isolate yourself, no one has time for your “advice”

libra: stop pretending you actually have people’s best interests at heart and embrace your shitty personality

scorpio: start charging real money for your affection, you’ll be rich by april

sagittarius: walmart sells gorilla glue. do everyone a favor and use that shit as chapstick

capricorn: go fucking vegan you animal and sign up for tinder

aquarius: pick up a hobby that doesnt involve leading people on and then abandoning them before they make the next move

me: hm. ok

same thing: is heart shaped