A Day at a Time

I know I had other dreams, but they’re already faded.

I’ve been so bad at writing here. Or not bad exactly, since I just haven’t been making the effort and I’ve been decent at some of the other good habits I’m trying to cultivate. But I would like to be writing here more. I like to think it keeps me from just blabbering things out loud (annoyances, things I noticed, projects I’m working on, interesting facts I learned recently). Part of it is definitely that I’m lonely and so if I want to give voice to any of those things, the only options are my parents, which makes me feel bad eventually because they’re my parents and it feels like I’m surrendering so much mental privacy and life independence by essentially inviting them into these mundane personal thoughts and details. In the moment, I’m often sharing because I think it’s genuinely interesting, but I know by now that my gauge is calibrated differently than most other people, even my lovely and patient and curious parents. I want to go back to being much more selective about how much I talk to them and what I update them on when I don’t have to.

I’m not eating particularly well. I’m about 1 stone overweight, which is much, much less than I was a year ago, but is ~10lbs more than my recent lowest weight. For the moment, I’m letting it go on my list of good habits. At some point I’ll go back to no desserts, no carbs and hopefully get back to progress on a “normal” BMI. At my current weight, I fit comfortably into quite a lot of clothes, so losing more doesn’t feel so urgent, I guess. I have some pairs of trousers that are still too small and might fit if I lost this extra stone, but I have enough to wear like this. And it was also on my list of things to accomplish before I would allow myself to try drinking alcohol again, but it turns out that it’s not the one that’s going to take the longest time, so that also feels like I have reduced urgency. I’ve got at least another 6 months of s l o w l y divesting myself of a collection of liquor bottles. I get self conscious about dropping them off at the dump, so I have a whole system for how often I can go and how many I can bring at a time and how much other recycling I need to bring to slightly distract from it. I think 6 months might do it, but maybe a full year. Either way, that’s a real sticking point since imagining myself breaking my sobriety with a small drink is something I can sometimes half imagine convincing myself is okay, but imagining myself adding to this fucking backlog of recycling is unacceptable. It’s also the big thing between me and moving. I can’t move with these bottles and once they’re gone, I’ll have the option to seriously consider changing my housing arrangements.

I am really making an effort to let myself go on Reddit, but not check the votes on my comments. I know I do it because I crave a sense of connection and it feels like people are passively agreeing with me, which isn’t much, but it’s something. I also know that it becomes addictive and that’s really what keeps me stuck on the site rather than getting immersed in another more productive activity. So that’s the plan for today. No checking on my comments after I leave them. And if I can do it today, I can try again tomorrow.

…

Been spending a bit of time on Reddit, but not checking on my comments directly. (I have been going back to the post to see if there are new comments to reply to.) I think it’s an okay stage for the moment.

Did the first load of laundry and some dishes and fridge cleaning and had therapy. Only a little daylight left, but I’m doing my best to be in rooms with good sunlight.

Now to do a few small things, go out for a few errands, and come back for more tasks. Might try and watch a movie on the big upstairs screen tonight.

…

Put another load of laundry in to soak and put on pants for the first time in fucking years. It still feels a little weird. Neither my stomach nor my ass look the way they did six years ago and I can both feel and see the difference. The feeling is actually the thing bothering me more at the moment. Also, I have gotten used to skirts with huge pockets and I don’t know if I’m ready to give that up.

Anyway, I have real clothes on, a prerequisite for outside errands.

…

Did errands, did dishes, hung up the laundry. Smoked a little or maybe accidentally more than a little. I’m in sort of a bad way at the moment. All physical sensations turned way up, so I can feel all of my skin where it touches my clothes. And my scalp where my hair touches it. Ugh. Not fun. And my attention is sort of “sticky”. I get distracted by something and then totally focused on that for a while.

…

Did fucking none of that. Lost hours and hours on Reddit. And it’s already the late afternoon, getting colder and soon to be getting dark. I just want to get into bed with some more food and go back to sleep. Feels like there’s no point to anything. Or like it can all wait for a day when I feel energetic. Or both. I don’t know.

…

Stayed up much too late playing a video game (which I did finally beat!) and didn’t get going u til late this morning. So far, have only taken meds, eaten a tiny bit, done dishes, and watered plants. Have to pick H up from the bus in about 30 min. That’s just enough time to wash, clean my teeth, wrangle my hair, and get properly dressed.

Getting really really close to -70lbs, which is great because it means I properly fit into the old clothes I’d put away. Maybe I don’t have to go bra shopping at all. (I’m half relieved and half disappointed. Maybe I will go in a few weeks to get something specific like a good sports bra for doing exercise, but it’s no longer urgent like it was.) I do still need to try on the things from the boxes and probably run them through the laundry to get out some of the musty smell.

I bought nail polish yesterday that I’m already half regretting. Or maybe only regretting one bottle of the two, which was at least the cheaper one. I guess I’m sort of rediscovering my aesthetic sense as I go. I hadn’t worn nail polish at all for nearly a decade and had only been trying it on my toes this summer. Now that I’m back in proper shoes, I thought it would be fun on my fingers. I can’t be bothered being careful with them, so they inevitably start chipping after a few days, but I don’t mind redoing little spots, which looks good enough from afar. Anyway, I’m rediscovering what it is actually like or want to wear. A lot of my old polishes feel wrong now. Bright, flat colors. I’m leaning hard towards dark colors with some kind of shimmer.

Also something about Johnny Depp being half-charming, but also quite unpleasant in public.

Saturday was a very unaccomplished day. Felt like the whole thing slipped by me and I got very little done until the evening. Sunday was much better. Got up early, did things in the kitchen and with my computer and laundry and other little tasks around the place.

Today I’m not alone, which might change things a little. But I have a list of fairly straightforward things to do in addition to ripping this pile of DVDs. In the evening, I’ll try to pack for going down tomorrow. While I’m there, I also have a well-defined set of tasks: take down more bottles to recycling, return this faulty computer accessory, buy new bras, try on old clothes, wash the sheets and towels, clean the floors.

I didn’t really sleep enough, but maybe I can try to take a nap later. I don’t want to go back to sleep now. I mean, I’m tired, but I like the idea of being up at a reasonable hour. I just turned down a volunteer project because it would have meant getting up too early. It would be nice to have more faith in my ability to get up early and be functional.

I’ve been thinking a little about trying to incorporate some limited number of exercises and maybe some stretches into my daily routine. Honestly, the thing bugging me the most is how bony my ass has become. It’s much less comfortable to sit on the ground or a hard chair now. Some muscles there should help. And there are plenty of other places where I’m probably lacking a basic level of muscle too.

Of course, the distance between “thinking about” and actually doing it can be significant. But maybe it’s not so far off. Maybe it’s something to look up, a little exercise routine.

I do have in my head that I’m talking to my psych doctor this week. She’s very nice, but I don’t like her. For a few reasons. It’s not a big deal. I only talk to her four times a year, I think. But I’m minorly dreading how she’s going to talk to me about all of the Important Things she thinks I should be doing (mentioning them as if I don’t fucking know that I’m still falling short in all those ways). I always end up trying to prove to her that I’m doing well and trying really hard. Maybe I’ll manage to be in a bit of a bad mood this time. Not awful, just more truthful. I don’t owe her performative perkiness.

We finally ended up chatting to some other (older?) actor who I recognized at the time, but I’m not sure of now. Someone like Jeff Bridges or William Hurt. He told us a story about doing a scene where he was “stuck” to an actress and how it took twenty minutes of them standing very still and very close while costume people attached them via hundreds of snaps on their clothes.

I know there were other bits to the dream, but I think that was the most fun.

…

Went back to sleep and now getting up quite late for me, but I think I really needed those hours. Maybe some deficit and/or slightly too big a piece of a gummy I took last night.

Dreamt about my childhood home. Everything was a mess. I had somehow left piles of fabric all over the place and big pieces of half-assembled furniture. I apologized to my father, who was distracted because he was going out to an evening class. I saw a water leak coming down from the attic and told him, but he kind of brushed it off and said he’d look at it later.

I think there was something (again) about trying to shower while quite exposed.

…

I’m up a little earlier than usual today. Living in the basement flat means that I can hear all the footsteps in the kitchen. My bed is directly under the corner where the oven and sink are. So if I’m not deeply asleep, someone coming down to make breakfast can sometimes wake me up. I did sleep maybe 7.5 hours, which is decent and not little enough to justify taking a pill and going back to sleep.

I’m determined to finish my quilt square today. I have two things left: a poster to add to the side of a shelf (a small square with embroidered letters and some small decorative outline) and a row of books on the top shelf (a series of small fabric pieces folded, raw edges bound, and sewed down). I think I’ll start with the former because it’s more necessary and hopefully faster. The top shelf books require a little more thought and careful positioning.

I’d love to have enough time to play around with my Halloween prop in the evening and during the day tomorrow. I might end up taking supplies with me when I go down on Tuesday and doing something with it there. The truth is that I’m almost certainly not going to go out to any kind of Halloween event where I would bring/wear it, so the deadline is pretty made up. And while I’m here, with my sewing machine, it would be better to work at altering clothes so I have some more flattering and comfortable options to wear. We’ll see if that good sense overrules my urge to make this more creative thing. And the damn quilt square has to come first.

And through it all, I think I maintained a good balance with being alone, being around them with my headphones on, and being with them chatting casually. I maybe blathered on a bit more than necessary, but not too bad. I’ll get better at it, at being okay with silence and having my own thoughts that don’t need to be shared.

My walk was nice. There’s a trail here, which is a big loop over two large fields, one flat and one on a hill. There’s a nice view from the top, but it’s a kind of popular spot and it’s very wide open, which makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Like people are watching me walk from far off. And the view doesn’t change much as you walk, which is not so interesting. I tend to prefer a quiet local road, where I can look at the houses’ gardens and there’s also a nature path through the woods and by a river. I know I should make a point of going for a walk regularly, but I’ve been pretty resistant to it so far. I know you’re “supposed to” get 10k steps a day. At my worst, I averaged maybe 1k. Barely getting out of bed will do that to you. Now when I don’t leave the house and don’t make a point of walking around, I get maybe 2.5k. When I’m in the city and actually walking to get errands done or go to some event, I can get 7k without trying. But when I’m not there, I have to make an effort to get to even 4k. I don’t know, I don’t have a solid plan I’m ready to commit to that will enforce these things for me. Or at least I don’t have one yet. If I could get myself a sports bra that actually fit, I’d consider doing some short daily aerobic routine in the morning. And I would like to try building some muscle, specifically in my arms and butt. Arms for aesthetic reasons mostly, but my butt for comfort - those bones are a lot bonier when I don’t have fat to cushion them. I feel it when I sit on the floor now.

Anyway, right now I’m trying to nudge my average steps up just by doing easy things: parking further from my destination, getting off the bus a stop or two early, walking around while I talk on the phone, etc. At some point I’ll have to contend with doing something more serious.

I also need to get serious about my quilt square. Do some work today and tomorrow and Sunday because it’s basically due by the end of Monday for me. (I’ll be down south for the rest of the week and it’s technically due at the end of the month.)

I think I’m just not doing anything for Halloween, which means it doesn’t really matter that I never put together my little prop idea. I would like to try making it eventually anyway, but I won’t have an opportunity to show it off. In general, I’m thinking about somewhere to show off the things I make. I mean, just taking pictures and posting them somewhere. Even if they never get any views or comments, I think it would make me feel more like I did a thing. The same way as writing about my mundane accomplishments here makes them more real to me.

Anyway, I have things to get done today. Dishes and cleaning the kitchen, grocery shopping, working on my quilt square. And I’m sure a whole other set of things that are on a scrap of paper from yesterday. Most immediately, I have a call with my aunt in about an hour. Let’s see what I can get done between now and then.

…

Got through the whole day and it was pretty good. Didn’t get in as many steps as I’d like, but I had the call, tidied the house well, did some laundry, finished making dinner, did some grocery shopping, and picked up my parents from the bus. And I got some sewing work done too. I can definitely finish my square to a good level over this weekend. Tomorrow I have to do the background, some tacking stitches, and plan out the embroidery. If I started the embroidery, that would be even better. And then I have Sunday and Monday to finish, but hopefully I won’t need both. It would be good to have Monday to fuck around with my prop project. Or do some very needed clothing alterations so I have more wearable skirts and shirts.

I’ve got plans for the week and I’m a little nervous about them. I’m going to be volunteering for afterschool tutoring in a neighborhood I don’t know at all. And it’s been so long since I interacted with children like this. I have to believe that the organization is prepared for people who aren’t totally on the ball right away. I mean, it’s not like a professional thing. I’ll try it for two days and if it’s not awful, I’ll sign up to do some more. Also maybe for working with older students in secondary school. I like the idea, but I am afraid, both of going new places in the evening and of my own ability to work with children I don’t know. All I can do is try it and see. There are other options too, more physical things that don’t require teaching like that.

I’m feeling okay about my quilt square. I feel like I’m seeing all the flaws right now, but also thinking about it as a test project. I mean, I’ve never done anything quite like this before. And it’s going into a community quilt that should hopefully have work of a big range of skills, including young children. Hell, if I’ve made it too thick or the wrong size or something, the worst they can do is just not use it, which is absolutely fine.

Tomorrow I’m also hoping for my new disc drive to come so I can go back to ripping DVDs and watching my new show.

Alright, time for getting into bed, a little on the early side. Of course, my parents will be up early with their jet lag, so it’s not like I can get up before them and have the place to myself. But that’s alright, I can just come up to grab food and go back down without chatting. Or rather, I’d like to be able to do that as a normal thing and tomorrow is an opportunity to test it out.

For some reason I can feel myself resisting bed. Like I didn’t do enough today and want to get in some more before I go to sleep. But I need to let go of that. The day is done and if I go to sleep earlier, I’ll have more time to do things tomorrow.

Damn it, I already lost the last scraps of the dream. But it felt involved, like it was a full story being told.

Anyway, I am up and my teeth are brushed (and I’m at just about -64lbs), despite going to bed after midnight and having nothing today except supposedly the cleaning woman. She’s usually here by now, but I don’t know if she’s coming late or if she’s just not coming today.

I don’t feel remotely alert or energized, having slept less than my minimum 8 hours, but I am up and while it’s tempting to just get back into bed for a fiddle if not a snooze, I don’t want to do that if she’s still coming and going to show up soon.

Alright, I texted back asking if I could do a normal half-day shift. I’m preparing myself for her to say “no”, in which case I have to decide whether I double down and insist it’s that or nothing.

I just… fuck, I have sleep issues and I don’t actually need this that badly. Anyway, it’s only a once-a-year thing, so even if they decide this means I’m not reliable enough to ever be given preference, it’s not such a big deal.

After this is over, however it shakes out, I’m going to try getting back into tutoring a little. I used to be decent at that, once upon a time. And it’s the kind of thing where I could build up some consistency and at least convince myself that I can be dependable at a certain level.

I’ve already signed up to do two days next week. That’s a bit of a reason to try and get another skirt altered to be wearable. I’d like something with pockets that I don’t look so sloppy in. I could really, really use new bras, especially if I’m contemplating anything more active or just wearing more fitted tops.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll sit down and sign up for some other tutoring things. I think I want to talk to my therapist about it, specifically about going to neighborhoods that frighten my mother. I’ll be good (not wear my headphones, keep my phone and wallet in my pocket at all times, etc) but her nervousness rubs off on me in a really unhelpful way. I think I can talk to my therapist to get over some of that and then sign up, maybe without telling my mother at all. She doesn’t need to know what I’m doing all the time.

Got up and did some good cleaning/tidying this morning. All the stray objects are at least in more organized piles and on shelves, not on the floor. Plus I mop/dusted most of the floor. I should leave in about an hour and before that I have to: clean my teeth, fix my hair, put on real clothes, take out compost and trash and recycling, and finish putting everything in my bag to go.

I have some things that I need to get rid of that are a little trickier than just putting them in a bag to bring to the charity shop. A few pieces of furniture, a bunch of DVDs for TV shows that are in a binder rather than in actual boxes, and a decently nice set of leather collar and cuffs. I’m considering putting those last ones on ebay, though I’ve never sold anything there before. And I have no idea what a fair price for them is. The furniture probably requires craigslist, which means talking to the building staff to make sure I do that correctly. The furniture consists of two nightstands, two floor lamps, and a TV stand. There’s a big sofa that I also want to get rid of, but I think that just needs throwing away and it’s much too big and heavy for me to move myself. That’ll be a whole other ordeal sometime down the road.

I had a thought that I could offer the DVDs to people in the building for free, but I worry they’re not the right age to want these kinds of shows. Maybe next time I’m at the charity shop I can ask if they’d accept DVDs in sleeves rather than boxes. Or at the tip, where they have a “reuse centre” for used things, though I have this feeling that one of the guys there doesn’t like me.