Shokat

The first boy who held my hand, Told me boys don't want to hear about vagina’s bleeding. Younger me could smell the misogyny.

Vaginas only meant to be fucked, Breast only meant to be sucked, Mouths only meant to blow.

It’s true, I know.

My waist meant to be compared to an hourglass. My voice only meant to quiver, “Ugh, please, fast.”

Yet, I am silenced.

For all we boil down to is sexual interaction. Not just me, my mother, sisters, friends, All quicken their pace post 8:30 in the evening.

My mum telling me to wear skirts out less often. Nirbhaya and more left unforgotten.

We don't want to be another of India's daughters, do we?

So I wear my jeans long and wear my tops high. Don't show my cleavage or a hint of my thighs.

Don't want to be mistaken for wanting it Because if I wear less, I'm more than just flaunting it. I am risking it. Risking, not my virginity, but my life. My hymen seems to be sacred, told to keep it till I'm a wife. If not, I'm a whore, a slut, a skank and more. Not as pure as I was before.

15year old Laxmi didn't like 32years old Guddu back and Guddu dealt it with real maturely He made her the victim of an acid attack. Laxmi could be your sister, your girlfriend, your cousin, We're girls, women, human, not a burden.

So I ask my male friend to drop me home because his privilege will protect mine. I am Sorry, dad, for I was catcalled in my uniform at the age of 9. This isn't an all men thing I know. Trust me. I do. But the men I can trust are only a few.

At the age of 12, my bra straps were sexualised, At the same time, we don't get damn sexual rights

My aunt raped by her husband, but marital rape is fine Pucker up, it's a mad design, get in line.

So what I'm trying to say here tonight is I am sorry I was brought up in a family where my brother taught me wrong from right Where my mother believe in our generation to better the world and make it slightly easier for each and every girl.

Thank you; For I see men in this room Reaching out for help, realising the bane on the womb Being saved by the sane of a few We all are collectively reaching out for you.

Thank you.

One year and three months. That's how long we have known each other.

One year and three months. That's how long we pretended we didn't.

One year and three months. During which our lives changed several times over. We did some growing up. We fell in love with others and fell out of love too. We made so many new friends. Yours became mine. Mine became yours. Except no one knew we were friends too. I wondered back then. What was it that stopped you from acknowledging me across the corridors? Later, I wondered, why was it that I didn't mind?

One year and three months. That's how long it took us to share our darkest secrets with each other. Ones that we both know will never be shared again with another.

One year and three months. That's how long it took for us to acknowledge each other.

One year and three months. And now, that we have smiled at each other across that very walkway :

It's over.

Home , New Delhi , India                 Nov 29, 2013                 Fri 11:59 PM

Thank you all for the lovely wishes..for your love and the affection.. Nothing makes me happy more than to know that there are so many of you that show such love and concern..

A big hug and thanks to - New friends.. Old friends.. School friends.. College friends.. Good friends.. Bad friends.. Real Ones.. Fake Ones.. Real family..Extended family.. Tweeples.. Facebook friends and mutuals.. Whatsapp addicts..in short, all...

I may never be able to make an attempt at unfolding the feelings that linger long after, the biggest moment of your life flashes by. But I can make an effort at describing, what it means and feels to be the receiver of huge amount of love, that has been pouring out with every click of the clock..

Throat feels choked and tongue tied, in an attempt to find words or expressions, for such...

… ample of gratitude for all that has been done for a single individual by so many...

I may need many more generational amends and continued rebirths to be able to put my thoughts into words. I may need many more similar posts to do justice to what I may call a most feeble attempt at acknowledging what this day has meant to me..

A special thanks to you, the one who texted me at 5 in the morning. You are still as close to me as you were a year ago… Miss u.. And that text means a lot to me..Am glad that u did.. :') Do give my text a thought.

“Bas yahi aarzoo hai ki sab pehle jaisa ho jaye.. Khuda khud bhi bohot khudgarz hai.. Usse dua mangne se achha hai me aapse sajdah kar guzarish kar lun.. Shayad mera yeh rab mujh par mehrbaan ho jaye..”

When too many good things happen to one they place a dark black spot on the face of a child so she or he can be protected from the evil eye … I need several now, to protect me from ‘nazar’.

My facebook and phone is jammed with unread messages clogged in..and I shall need to get down to relieving it from the burden, before it explodes !! (wink)

Good wishes for all and a treat for few (not few but only you, Neha)

God bless you all..

-  Shokat Saifi

I was thinking for days about what I should write about. There have been many distinct moments in my life, but none that I like to speak about so bluntly. I tried coming up with something cheerful and fun, but nothing came to mind when I thought of a moment when my life took a turn.

There are some things that happen in our lives that cast us who we are. There are some things that happen that we don’t talk about. There are some things that become fragments of who we are, but we never whisper a word of why or how or when. There are some things that remain so fresh in our minds, no matter how much time has passed since then, we feel as though it’s just happening.

So no matter how far I may push back this distinct moment, no matter how much I try to forget, I still remember. I remember the day, the time. What I was wearing. I remember how I felt, how it all felt, how I still feel. I remember the breakdown, the loss of strength, and the tears.

I remember when my life took a turn. I remember how I built myself back up. I’ve changed and I’ve grown, but there are still parts of me that never moved on. Bits and pieces of me that can never and will never soothe. Some things just stay with you forever. This was one of them.

“How many moments in life can you point to and say: ‘That’s when it all changed.” -One Tree Hill

- Shokat Saifi

Last night, I spent a great deal of time staring at the sky. Actually I enjoy looking at the sky. One of the star held me spellbound. I just couldn’t stop looking at it. It was twinkling more rapid than the others. At first I assumed that it might be any aircraft/jet or any other similar body. Naah, I was wrong. It was indeed a star. It made me remember someone.

Half of the night i spent there, on the terrace and then came back to my room with my phone and earphones, dived into the ocean of music - the only healer..

With some memoirs,

You know those moments in life where you have so much going on in your head, that it seems impossible to do any one thing? I read a tweet from someone awhile back saying, "I'm quietest on Twitter when I have the most on my mind. Funny how that works." It makes sense though, and is true for me as well. There is so much happening right now over here, things I want to talk about and will, and things I want/have wanted to talk about but can't. How is THAT for the best vague blogging ever? Just give me the award now. 

I am on the brink of semester exams...Books, Notes, Sleepless nights, tensions, the next month is already shaping up to be totally hectic, in the best possible way. I think we all probably encounter these moments, more than once, throughout our lives. Whatsay??

House , New Delhi , India                    May 16, 2013                    Thu 01:31 AM. .  .  Unknown Condition

  I'll never be good enough for you....

If I’m being honest, I knew we wouldn’t work out. I really wanted us to. I wanted us to be right for each other. I wanted to think we were a match, an even pair, equal partners. But I knew that wasn’t the truth. Throughout our entire bonding, I kept coming back to one thought: “I will never be good enough for you.”You didn’t do anything to make me feel this way. It’s something I just knew in my bones.

Come on. Look at who we are in an objective way. I will never be good enough for someone as wonderful as you.You are good. You are a good person who wants and does good things. You are smart and kind and funny. Your body and mind are practically made of sunshine.I will never be the person you want. Not really. I can be a shadow of that person, striving really hard to actually get there. But I never will. There will always be something missing or some flaw or something that doesn’t feel quite right.My clothes are wrong. Or my hair is out of place. Or my skin isn’t behaving. But more than that, I’m not funny or entertaining. I’m not holding your attention. I’m not smart enough, or maybe I don’t know about the right things.

Whatever I’m contributing to the conversation just isn’t working. I’m trying too hard and then because I’m worried it seems like I’m trying too hard, I try harder. I can try as hard as I want, but I will never be as good or as pure as you are — as you want me to be. That’s why I want to be around you. I had this idea that you would make me better by osmosis, that the more I kissed you or touched you or talked to you, the more worthy I’d become.

But that’s not the way it works, is it? Instead I just started to feel worse. It became increasingly apparent that I was bad news bears, a check in the negative column, a no-good influence on your life. I’m messed up. But you, you are good. You are amazing. You are perfect and honest and loyal. You have good intentions, always.You’re like a butterfly and I’m some less-than being sticking a pin in your back. I will never be good enough for you. The idea depresses me. It’s depressed me since I realized it was true. But I don’t know what to do. You deserve so much better than someone like me.I want to make myself better. I want to be worthy of you. I just don’t know where to start.

  :'(

I LOST HIM... "The body now has more warmth than usual. May be something unpleasant has been written for me by the Al’mighty for the days to come... ...Tuesday is lined with an unexpected occurrence, and I wish to say ‘sorry’ for that..." - the words from my last post entitled 'DAY 7619' penned at 12:56am on October 9, 2012. The lines realized when i reached home after college that evening. It was a normal day...everything was going smooth.. I was returning home after hectic college hours. I wasn't having my cellphone with me as it was lying at the phone repairing shop. I took the bus and reached the stop close to my house at around 5:30 in the evening. As my steps advanced towards my house i started feeling an unknown and unpleasant vibes. The time i arrived home..I sensed something wrong and that wrong become real when i got to hear something i never ever thought of.. I lost my dad. He died. I felt like all my senses has stopped working for a while. I wasn't crying. It just doesn't seamed real to me. I shouted in frantic voice, “I can’t wake up dad". Somebody got hold of me and told me that they were trying to reach me on phone but was not reachable. I remember how I held out the hope that I would come in and he would be sitting in his chair, insisting that he was ok and to quit fussing. Tears..No.. My eyes all dry. Refusing to blink. My breath extreme high. My legs not able enough to bear my body weight.. And i collapsed.. I collapsed on the bed. And slowly as i gain back my conscious. I found myself covered with tears.. I was sobbing. I was running out of breath, tried hard to control, to stop my tears but my body wasn't responding me. I remember thinking that’s not him. It is so hard to see death on the face of the man whom you had only seen the look of love for your entire life. God! This can’t be happening. I remember thinking he’s not there. I tried to stay as calm as possible because my mother was inconsolable and was in shock. The memories of him are so close, so opaque, you know, like he’s really there. I think about the memories of him and wish I could go back and relive them only this time to know and really appreciate how precious these times were. As much as I am hurting I can’t imagine what my mother is going through. My heart is breaking for her as she tries to be strong. At the same time I am amazed at her strength. So I’ll wrap it up now. Just want to say I love you dad, oh my god I miss you so much, you were a wonderful man and such a wonderful father. I thought we had more time. I love you. Not aware of what is happening to me.. Cold hands and feet... Body is shivering like hell and delocalized pain in my chest. Throat choked off something... People say they know. Well i'll say, "YOU DONT". Even i dont know much about me. I have leant to hide my real feelings and fake the expressions that other wants to see... Take care... God bless you...

Love Shokat...

House , New Delhi , India                    Oct 09, 2012                    Tue 12:56 AM

  The body now has more warmth than usual. May be something unpleasant has been written for me by the Al’mighty for the days to come. My body is not in the state to converse and the eyes shut and open involuntarily as you slouch and get up in abrupt awakening, a key or two which has been depressed by your fingers, stamps several of the same in incessant fashion. The reflexes are not that brawny but strong enough to not be put off in writing out that which shall unite our communiqué for yet another day.

Always there in all state, a deed for which I carry great affection, but regret what I could do in return for the attachment. In a few weeks from now shall be the coming of my 20th, and the entering into the 21st. Twenty for some reason sounds better than 21. As perhaps does 18, be better than 20. Mankind and womankind has borne it upon itself that these numbers shall be of significance and importance; landmarks cum milestones that shall really demand admiration and celebration. Why so? An answer sought but never a reply acknowledged.

I think that I have developed a fever! Must take a thermometer in the mouth in a little while! So excuse me all.. Tuesday is lined with this unexpected occurrence, and I wish to say ‘sorry’ for that …

Be with you again morrow…in healthier shape optimistically…

Love and peace

Home , New Delhi , India                   Oct 08, 2012                   Mon 01:26 AM

  I’m the yawning man, the yawning man…I yawn , I yawn , I yawn…!!

I have just powered the television set on and it’s the repeat telecast of Bigg Boss 6 airing on the Colors Channel, Salman Khan, hosting the show. I am not amongst the die-hard fans of Salman, but I do like his persona and his work, definitely not the acting.  

Just like the day before, I thought of lettering the post on my phone on my way back to home. But when I pulled out the phone out of my pocket, I got to know that it was dead, drained of the battery power. And this made me to quit the thought and wait for me to reach my habitat.

Dinner ? A Big No.. I have already had an adequate amount at the wedding reception. What wasn’t there, I mean from every single appetizer to the main course and the deserts, was all on hand. I had a bit of everything accessible, and left the hall at 11:30 PM. I am a die-hard Non-vegetarian, and there’s not a lone recipe in India or may be the world that I haven’t yet tasted.

Now it has become a habit, writing and yawning at the same time. Sometimes I wonder, not really, but today, I really am.  What I am wondering is “Why do we yawn?” Everybody yawns, from unborn babies to the oldest great grandparents. Animals do it, too. But why, exactly, do the people and animals yawn? No one knows for sure. But there are many suppositions about why people yawn.

One is that when we are bored or tired, we just don't respire as deeply as we usually do. As this theory goes, our bodies take in less oxygen because our breathing has slowed. Therefore, yawning helps us bring more oxygen into the blood and move more carbon dioxide out of the blood.

Yawning, then, would be an involuntary reflex (something we can't really control) to help us control our oxygen and carbon dioxide levels. Sounds good, but other studies have shown that breathing more oxygen does not decrease yawning. Likewise, breathing more carbon dioxide does not increase yawning. Hmmm. Now what?

Another theory is that yawning stretches the lungs and lung tissue. Stretching and yawning may be a way to flex muscles and joints, increase heart rate, and feel more awake.

Other people believe that yawning is a protective spontaneous effect to redistribute the oil-like substance called surfactant that helps keep lungs lubricated inside and keeps them from collapsing. So, if we didn't yawn, according to this theory, taking a deep breath would become harder and harder — and that would not be good!

But there is one idea about yawning that everyone knows to be true. It seems contagious. If you yawn in class, you'll probably notice a few other people will start yawning, too. Even thinking about yawning can get you yawning. How many times have you yawned while reading this article? Don’t lie. I hope not many!

I am yawning, heavy-eyed and in observable need of sleep. Tomorrow is the Monday morning. The day will start early and so I must sleep now as its quite late.

Good Night and love hugs for you all.

Car | Home , New Delhi , India                   Oct 07, 2012                   Sun 01:17 AM

Varsha Yadav : your birthday today the 6th of October and I wish you happiness, fulfilment and joy always… 

On my way, back to home, sitting next to my brother, returning from my brother’s friend’s marriage party. He is busy driving and I am busy adding words to this personal journal, blog or whatever you call it. It’s the first time am typing my experiences cum expressions on such a small screen with such small keys. Actually, I am habitual with typing on my computer’s keyboard and reviewing them on my 21” inch display.

After a week of very little sleep, had planned to sleep lengthy in weekends. But things never happens as they were set to. Last night went to sleep mode at 3 in the morning, with no particular reason for being awake. And woke up at 8 in morning. Again a short nap, when the desire was for more. 

The entire day, what occupied me was the social network, facebook, twitter and the blog. It was a complete extrication with the real world. Not a real disengagement, it was link with a reals in the unrel world. Confuse..? Same pinch. The messages section on facebook is what I like the most, twitter is less interesting, and about blog, you decide.

Under the skilful support of that unknown force, which guides and conducts us, may we submit ourselves completely. For, it is that, which shall be knowledged enough of our true happiness within ..

Good Noght.