most forgetful sergeant in the US army

Gee, maybe someone can explain this to me. Whenever we put on Kraut uniforms, Kinch can never wear one, too. I don't get it! He does a great Kraut voice, too.

Klink started complaining about a new rat running around in his quarters, calling it an allied plot to disrupt his sleep.. but, yay! We get a new pet rat! I think I'll name this one Scampy.

Boy, the guys around here are going pretty stir crazy without any women around. Newkirk complimented LeBeau's cooking, for once, and LeBeau tried to kiss him!

Fellas, I'm confused again.. if the Nazi's say they find 'Strength through joy', why aren't any of them happy?

Fellas, I'm awful confused.. if Schultz says he sees nothing, why isn't he blind? I mean, isn't it kinda disrespectful to lie about that kinda thing?

Colonel Hogan yelled at Newkirk for stealing a bottle of whiskey, but I don't think he did it! He was too drunk to steal any whiskey.

@colrobertehogan Hey, can I take sick days off if I don't have health insurance?

Why do girls like kissin' in the back of movie theatres? I mean, gosh, my friend Joey always liked kissin' in his own bed.

Some of the guys out playing football were.. slapping eachother on the butts? I don't get it, I thought they liked girls!

Somebody's been stealing sugar cubes from the officer's club.. I sure do wonder who! It sure isn't me.. definitely not. Certainly not. I just have sugar on my fingertips all the time, it's perfectly normal.

@cpllouislebeau won't let me make ketchup.. I can't do anything around here :(

Boy, I tell you, you try to do one nice thing and all people wanna do is complain! Colonel Hogan told me he and Fraulein Hilda were going to "burn the midnight oil".. how was I supposed to know that he didn't want an oil lamp?

Every month or so, we anonymously send Major Hochestetter a playgirl magazine. He's never sent them back.. I'm sure he appreciates it!

One time, we were investigating a rumor that an old, run down farm shed was being used to torture and interrogate prisoners.. the shed didn't have any Nazis, but it did have a nest of hornets. Boy, blowing that shed up was one the best things I ever did!

Our shopping lists look a little weird. Laundry soap, extra socks, clean clothes, nitroglycerin, ammonia, bleach, clocks.. candy.

When we go into town, Newkirk likes to steal from the shops. Old lady purses hold a whole lot!