Spider - now aged six - has a same-aged cousin, THE BLACK WIDOW. this legendary child, also a friend of our children since the womb, is greatly admired for their imaginative nature. THE BLACK WIDOW had a spectacular career at nursery and has excelled further at school with such feats as βbiting the teacher on the first day of schoolβ, and βescaping school by simply walking out of it, throwing the entire school into a panic.β
My child Bug and THE BLACK WIDOW are not especially close, despite lifelong acquaintanceship and shared years of nursery; they go to different primary schools, and are diametrically opposing personalities. However, my child Mouse (aged 3) and THE BLACK WIDOW get along extremely well. Worryingly well. Despite being twice the age, two-and-a-half-times the size and possessing three times the wickedness of Mouse, THE BLACK WIDOW is tenderly gentle and attentive with Mouse. Perhaps because they are both the youngest of three.
THE BLACK WIDOWβs family came by and the adults lounged around gossiping while the four elder children amused themselves sensibly. Mouse and THE BLACK WIDOW set up a complicated coffee shop roleplay and demanded that the four adults queue up and place orders.
βAsk them what they want,β THE BLACK WIDOW prompted Mouse.
βItβs all poisoned,β Mouse said brightly.
βDonβt TELL them that,β THE BLACK WIDOW hissed.
They proceeded to serve us cups of coffee, told us it was poisoned after we had mimed drinking it, and we all had to fall about dying while they laughed like hyenas.
Tonight, Mouse laid dreamily in bed, having spent three delightful hours soaking up THE BLACK WIDOWβs undivided attention. βI love THE BLACK WIDOW,β they said blissfully.
βWhat do you love about them?β
βThey push me in my pushchair,β Mouse said affectionately- (this is true, it gives me a fucking heart attack when THE WIDOW grabs the pushchair and charges around ramming people with Mouse.) βand,β Mouse went on, βI love poisoning and attacking people with them.β
βYes,β I said, dubiously.
βI want to poison and attack people with them more. They said I can come to their house and poison and attack people -β
βI think you should go to bed,β I said.
βMummy, when we are finished being friends, we are going to marry each other.β
βOh wow,β I said, not even trying to unpack that progression, βthatβll be something to look forward to.β
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