you cut through all the noise

Lexi needed to remind herself to breathe. One in, one out, and repeat. Breathing was a foreign concept whenever Seth was around, and this time made no difference. He was saying everything that she wanted to hear, his thoughts being about her as much as hers were about him. She looked up at him, her gaze catching his– it felt like they were perfectly leveled up with each other, aligned. ‘’Seth,’’ She almost whispered out his name as if she was saying it for the first time ever, leaving her lips carefully, softly even. ‘’I don’t have room for anymore heartbreak and bad relationships. I have a pattern of falling for all the wrong guys. And for the first time ever, I’m actually sure that I didn’t make a mistake falling for you. I just made a mistake of falling for my best friend’s boyfriend, and that makes it wrong.’’ Pausing, she licked over her dry lips in an attempt to put it in the simplest of ways possible.

Letting out a sigh, Lexi did something that she didn’t think she’d ever do when she felt so vulnerable with a guy– she approached him, merely a few inches between them, letting her guard down because she trusted him despite her better judgment. Tentatively, her fingers reached out for him, landing on his shirt, his chest, not grasping for anything in particular, as if she just wanted to be close to him, closer than usual. ‘’If this is going to be anything, you need to talk to Liza. And I need to talk to Liza.’’ She declared as if revealing something that was not there before. ‘’And I think that we both need to be ready to lose a really good person, a good friend. And be ready to bear that burden and that guilt.’’ Maybe she was being a little dramatic, but saying it out loud made it more real, more tangible, as if they needed to face it sooner rather than later. ‘’And then, maybe… we can, I mean, not yell at each other as much.’’ She bit on her lower lip, looking up at him.

The physical distance between them was almost entirely diminished when Lexi took a small step forward, and Seth breathed in the smell of her hair, that soap she used that was so distinctively her. Now that he stopped to think about it, he was certain that he could never identify these small bits about Liza, and it was just another testament of how he felt and how dumb he was for not realizing it sooner. Her name fell from his lips almost like a prayer, pleading for him not to be the wrong guy, while at the same time telling him he wasn’t. Everything inside of him screamed for him to prove himself to her, to erase all those bad experiences and replace them with good ones, with himself, but it would be a process. A joke about starting things with such a fatalistic outlook tickled his tongue, but Seth kept it to himself this time around. “Stop saying it’s wrong or you’ll end up convincing yourself like you usually do,” he suggested gently with a warm smile, a smile that dropped with what she had to say next.

A part of Seth knew that Lexi was right: they owed it to Liza to be upfront about these new developments, to consider her feelings and involvement in all of it. But another, far greater part of him wanted to hear nothing about it, no matter how right she was. “Lexi,” it was his turn to whisper her name like it was a prayer. Neither of the two women deserved any sneaking around, but right now, Seth didn’t want to think about what needed to happen when they left the safety of Lexi’s apartment. What he did want to think about was the fact that they were having a civilized conversation about their feelings and that was another one of those firsts. A chuckle tickled his throat at her last words and he leaned in, resting his forehead against hers. “Honestly, woman, I’m just trying to get through right now before I start unraveling tomorrow. Can’t we have this moment of peace? We’re finally not yelling...”

There was so much of anger in Lexi that she didn’t know what to do with it, or how to let it out without causing a hurricane. Anger that was different than anything she had ever felt– it wasn’t like she was angry with him; if anything, it took up such a small percentage of the emotions that were now bubbling up to the surface, that it even confused her. No, mostly she was just angry at herself for letting it happen. It would’ve been easier if Seth stayed her neighbor jerk from across her apartment window, because this way she was struggling to grasp onto something to blame him for. It wasn’t his fault that she fell for him, it wasn’t his fault that he did his best to become her friend because of Liza, and it certainly wasn’t his fault that he was as good of a person as he really was. 

But it offended her, stung her deeply that he took her ‘proclamation of love’ for granted. ‘’You weren’t supposed to kiss me if you didn’t plan on…’’ But she didn’t know what was she trying to say in the first place. Date her? Love her back? Be with her? How was this even possible if he was still with Liza? If she still wanted to be Liza’s friend? There was a reason why people invented the girl code and Lexi knew it very well, even when she had no control over what happened. Or did she? No one asked her to hang out with him as much as she did– but she still selfishly made that decision and never looked back. It was no wonder that it was now backfiring to the extent that it did– she did this to herself. ‘’No, please enlighten me,’’ She responded to his, perhaps, rhetorical question, and crossed her arms over her chest. A little spitefully, a little defensively.

She heard his explanation, but it didn’t register. In fact, she was trying to come up with a counter-argument in advance, before she was starting to catch up with the meaning of Seth’s confession. She tried to make sense of it, that he liked her back, but she had already forced herself to come with the terms of them never happening that this thought alone felt alien. She opened her mouth to say something, only to close them again after realizing that there was nothing she could have said to make sense of the situation. ‘’Well,’’ She finally let out, swallowing a lump in her throat. ‘’It seems like we’re at an impasse.’’ In fact, she was just absolutely baffled by the realization of Seth actually reciprocating her own feelings. He had managed to shut her up to the point that even someone as talkative as her, spiteful even, had nothing to say.

She felt the tingles at the bottom of her stomach, a part of her shivering from the unknown. She kept standing in the same manner, defensive at best, but more as if she was sheltering herself, just in case that he would pull another move that would send her mind spinning before he’d leave her.

First time for everything, right? Except this was a first Seth never expected to live to see: Lexi at a complete loss for words. He was bracing himself for an avalanche and even more pointing fingers and placing blame, but all he got was a defeated comment and silence. And Lexi, shielding herself from him like he was going to hurt her. It only then registered in his chaotic mind that she had to live through the past few weeks, too, and that he did in fact hurt her. With his actions, maybe even his words now. Chest tightening as the anger subsided, Seth breathed out and counted to ten, letting it all go: the resentment, the confusion, the frustration. There was no room for that when they were standing alone, with nothing but the truth leaving their lips for the first time ever. 

It was a day of firsts, apparently. 

Once the passions have settled and Seth was drained of his anger and a lot of other emotions, he took a cautious step towards Lexi so that he was right in front of her. His hands were useless, for all he wanted to place them on Lexi’s shoulders, he knew better than to do that at the moment. “It’s not an impasse. We have to figure it out for the sake of everyone involved,” he stated in a soft voice, his eyes never leaving her face. “I don’t know what to do, what’s the right thing to do, but I know that there’s something here, otherwise you’d never be able to annoy me as much as you do.” He coupled his statement with a breathy chuckle and glanced behind her as the sound grew stronger. “I do all of my best thinking with the music on, but lately whatever I play, my thoughts just keep circling back to you. Either I’m a broken record or the answer’s right before us.” He finally looked at her, his eyebrows furrowing, his eyes looking for a clue in her own that would tell him what to do, what she wanted him to do. But that was beyond his mortal skills, and the confusion was nowhere near lifted.

The silence spread in between and around them like venom. She could feel it grasping onto her skin like it was about to skin her alive right then and there, and her feet felt iron clad. She didn’t want to stare at him the way she did, but found herself unable to look away. He looked angry – furious – and Lexi was struggling to understand why. She did, in a way, but also not, because he could have just stayed away just like he did up until that very moment. They didn’t have to go through this at all. She had to wonder if him coming over meant only further conflict, the thing she definitely did not need. They were like fire and ice, total opposites but matching gloriously, senselessly. Seth had started a fire within her that Lexi didn’t know how to put out anymore, and her ice started to melt ever since she had met him. She doubted that there was any of it left.

She watched him go past her and let the door close on their own. Her eyebrows knitted closer together, realizing he was about to start some fireworks that was bound to scar them both in some way – it was always like that. ‘’You make sense of things?” She asked him, her tone of voice so obviously held back, as if in a hiss. ‘’I poured my heart out to you and instead of letting me down gently, you decide it was okay to kiss me and walk away? Who does that?! You are something else,’’ It stormed out of her like an avalanche. Her jaw clenched, teeth gritting – he wasn’t possibly accusing her of anything like it was only her. ‘’Don’t you dare,’’ She said through her teeth, stepping closer and pointing her forefinger in his direction. ‘’Stop pretending like you’re a victim and like I haven’t lost my best friend over it,’’ She spat out. ‘’You think I wanted this? If I had any control over what happened, do you think I would’ve chosen to fall for a guy who doesn’t even like me enough to tell me that face to face?!”

Seth thought he knew what he was so mad about, what had pushed him so far away from both Lexi and Liza. He thought that the days, weeks even, he had spent festering in anger allowed him a clear perspective of what had unfolded and where he stood in the matter. But seeing that same anger flash in Lexi’s eyes, breaking her voice in certain moments, he realized just how wrong he was. The long road he and Lexi had taken together was winding and it took them over many bumps, and it wasn’t until Lexi spilled her truth that he realized it was, in part, his own, too. Except, he couldn’t have admitted that─ not to her, and even less to himself, so he kissed her and fled, afraid of what it all meant. And now, now that she was calling him out for his own transgressions, he felt something else stir up inside him and bubble up to the surface. An unpleasant feeling that would have them both licking their wounds by the end of the argument, with nothing resolved, most likely.

“Doesn’t even like you e─” Seth parroted her words back at her, disbelief flaring up his nostrils and drawing out a scoff from his chest. “What was I supposed to do with your grand proclamation of love? Say thank you and walk out?” He breathed out a humorless chuckle, hands moving all around in wild gestures that were entirely out of control. “You are so blind to what’s in front of you, Lexi, and I’m so tired of having to work to make you see it. Do you actually have any idea why I kissed you, and why I left?” The urge to reach over, grab her and shake her almost overpowered his common sense, but instead he combed his fingers through his hair, leaving them there for a brief moment while he gathered the shambles his thoughts were in. “I couldn’t let you down gently because your words made me realize that I felt it too, that I liked you as more than a friend. And I couldn’t just leave with doubts plaguing my mind, but that kiss...” Voice cutting off from the crescendos he was doing, Seth stopped and looked aside, taking a moment before continuing. “I was unprepared for the floodgates it opened. So before you go spouting your accusations at me, once again deciding for me what I’m like or what I feel, check in with reality, please.”

Cleaning. That had to be it, she was going mad. Lexi hated cleaning, yet there she was, going over the same corners of her apartment with a cobweb dust cleaner. Hair in a bun, surrounded by a mop bucket and cleaning supplies and tools, even though the apartment was spotless at that point. She went on a tangent and raided The Home Depot a few weeks prior, because she hated that Seth saw her apartment a mess when his was always clean. Not that hers was dirty, but her insecure self hated that it even happened.

Or did she hate what happened regardless of the state of her apartment?

The first day she started cleaning, trying to reach that damn spot under the fridge, she started crying. There was a particularly filthy spot that no matter what she did, she couldn’t reach. Usually, she wasn’t much of a crying person, yet she felt like there was nothing she could do. For someone who prided herself in being capable and independent, she broke down over a really stupid thing in the general scheme of things. But God, did it feel good – eyes puffy and red, looking a mess. She found herself unusually light afterwards, as if she had been bottling her feelings for a long time and that damn spot just pushed her over the edge.

And she was supposed to stop. Get it together, get a damn grip. Move on. But then she saw Liza at work and realized that there was no way she could face her alone, let alone what happened with Seth. And Lexi took a vacation leave that she spent trying to avoid people in general. It was such a painful spot – having to come to terms that he just didn’t want her like that. That kiss could’ve been sheer curiosity, and then he wasn’t curious anymore. If he was, he would’ve called or texted, even met her at their rooftop spot, yet none of that actually went down.

Lost in her thoughts, Lexi heard the banging on the door and her eyebrows knitted together – no one knocked that loudly for no reason. Letting out a sigh, she got back on her feet and walked over to open the door and looked through the peephole first. It was dark and she wasn’t able to see the person, so she turned the key in the door, unlocking it before she pulled them open. Her breath got stuck in her throat as she blinked at Seth a few times upon seeing him and her heart sank. She wasn’t even able to greet him – she didn’t expect to see him at her door ever again.

It was one thing to imagine what seeing her again would feel like, but it was an entirely different thing to go through it. The moment the door swung open to reveal a disheveled Lexi, who was anything but ready to go out, all the words that had been burning on the tip of his tongue scattered, and the first few moments he just stared at her, trying to put together a coherent sentence. A struggle, it turns out, because there was nothing coherent about the way seeing her made him feel. His heart faltered and throat dried as if he had been walking through the desert for ages. He had been so mad before coming over to see her, but now that they were actually face to face, he was finding it hard to keep his focus. 

Moments passed them by quietly as they fought their inner battles, and Seth realized the longer he waited, the less he would say. In fact, he might just turn around and leave, but that wasn’t an option, no. He had to get everything out or else it would make things even worse, he was sure of it. Holding onto the door frame tightly, Seth’s knuckles turned white and the slight pain helped keep him ground. 

“I’ve been going over everything in my head the last... however long it’s been, and I can’t, I still can’t make sense of things,” Seth started, shaking his head as his eyes wandered the empty hallway that carried his words to the distant end. “After all this time, after everything we’ve been through and told each other, you decide it’s okay to tell me you have feelings for me when I’m dating your best friend?!” His voice gave way to the frustration weighing down his gut, raising it more than he wanted to, the sound bouncing off the walls. “Do you realize what you’ve done?” He asked rhetorically as he pushed past her, and stepped into her apartment, not needing the curious eyes and ears that would have followed their talk had he stayed outside her doors. “I can’t even look at Liza without thinking about what you’ve told me and made me think. I don’t know how you can, because she’s the one person in this equation that should never end up getting hurt!” 

Days were spent fidgeting in his apartment, going into his text conversations with Lexi only to lock his phone and throw it aside. He could never put into words all the frustration he felt: because she kissed him, because she made him realize his feelings for her, because he felt like the biggest asshole feeling torn between two amazing women he cared for. But not equally, no. One of them he cared about more, even if she drove him nuts every day since he met her, in good ways and bad ones.

Or maybe exactly because of it.

It took him days, weeks on end, but he was finally over the waiting, the thinking, and the fuming. Driven by an odd moment of clarity and resolve to figure out his own situation and stop causing trouble for all three of them, Seth walked over to Lexi’s apartment, and banged his fist against her door impatiently. Anything softer and he might have even turned back, might have even pretended he wasn’t there to see her for one single reason: to get everything off his chest.

Lexi was finally learning what a true craving for another person was; the infinite, overwhelming desire to have all of them, to touch and feel and kiss some more, until she had nothing else to give. Her knees week, feeling like jelly at that point, Lexi grasped onto his shirt, unable to accept that the kiss was slowly broken. Foreheads together, she was this close to going for it again. Use the moment, because she didn’t know if the reality around them would pull a curtain on this– whatever it was. The power hit them unexpectedly, almost invading the moment, interrupting whatever shred of him Lexi was holding onto. She needed to steady her breathing and as she reluctantly blinked, opening her eyes, she was met with Seth’s and that sent a shiver down her spine. She let her fingers slips from his now wrinkled shirt but didn’t take a step back. If they were this close now, were they ever going to be in the future? ‘’I think you’re right,’’ She whispered out in a soft response to him, not knowing what else to say. The ball was in his court but she knew that she couldn’t expect him to be with her, especially with Liza still in the picture.

The air around them wasn’t cold by any standard, and still when Lexi’s hands fell from his chest, it felt that way. His hands were still holding onto her, but with the power back on and the lights on, it felt like they were caught red-handed: the dark would no longer keep their secrets safe, they were in the spotlight now. No pretending this hadn’t happened or that it meant nothing. It wasn’t that Seth planned to act that way─ honestly, he had no plans whatsoever, acting on pure impulse─ but it left the giant question between them: what now? What now, when Lexi had poured her heart out to him, and he had kissed her, clearly stating that it wasn’t one-sided? But now that he was still in a relationship with her best friend whom he believed he loved? But how could that be love when this kiss with Lexi just felt purer, more completing? His head was swimming, not used to dealing with things this magnitude, and Seth knew he had to put some space between them if only to keep his sanity. If only to decide what he should do. “I have to go. I’m sorry,” he shook his head, hands dropping from Lexi because they had to, not because they wanted to. “I have to go,” he reiterated, backing away from the brunette, and then rushing out of her apartment, with no idea where to go and what to do.

Lexi could almost see the confusion settle into a realization, it was all over his face. And she had never in her life felt more vulnerable but more at peace at the same time. A huge weight was finally lifted off of her shoulders, something she believed she would have to carry around until it disappeared on its own. What happened seconds after that, however, she wouldn’t have anticipated in a million years. He closed the distance between them before she even grasped onto what was going on, maybe for the better. And then, all the world’s noise dissolved into nothing; he was the sole center of her focus and the way his lips crashed against hers, as if the thunder bolted right through it. He kissed her with a fervor she had never experienced before him. It sent every other kiss, every other man she had ever kissed back, straight into oblivion. She responded instinctively, her arms following as she wrapped them around his neck, her own lips now tentatively moving against his, as if she was feeling him out. But the more she kissed him back, the more she wanted him. It felt like a whirlwind; Lexi couldn’t feel anything else but raw passion, emotion, they synced so perfectly that she didn’t feel like she needed to breathe again. And if the world imploded on itself, she still wouldn’t have let him go.

There were a lot of girls Seth had kissed in his life. A lot of them initiated the contact, and with a lot of them he was the one making the first move. But none of them could compare to the feeling this kiss had given him. There was something about the way her lips moved against his that kept Seth rooted in the darkness, unable to move away from her, until breathing became a struggle and his lungs burned for air. Unable to put it off any longer, Seth broke the kiss, his chest heaving for air, his fingers sliding to her neck. He pressed his forehead against hers and breathed her in: her scent, the softness of her skin, her warmth. In that dizzying inferno, as he was still riding the high of her confession and their kiss, Seth finally remembered all the obstacles that stood between him and the kiss happening again, and his eyes fluttered closed, hoping to blink those thoughts away. He was at a loss for words, unsure of what to say, knowing that anything would break the magic of the moment. Plagued with guilt, Seth kept biting his tongue, keeping all the questions along the lines of ‘What are we doing?’ at bay, but he knew he had to say something. It was just the something that kept eluding him. As if by a miracle, the lights flickered back on, and Seth opened his eyes, glancing at the ceiling. “I guess the power’s back on.”

Did he not get it? Why did he have to punish her like this? Why did she have to spell it out for him? If she said it out loud, that was it. That was the end, she was gonna hit the wall yet again and ruin all of it. This time, not even by choosing the wrong guy. Quite the opposite; choosing the right guy who was not right for her. ‘’You already think that I’m this shallow, superficial, stubborn person and somewhere along the way I just started wishing that you’d see me differently, for who I feel like I am on the inside, and–’’ She shook her head, her heart pounding in her chest. ‘’And you know what, Seth? I don’t even know when or how it happened, okay? Every single time I’d see you with Liza a part of me wished that it was me in her shoes, and every time we hanged out I started to see these… these bits and pieces of you that grew on me—’’ She wasn’t even aware that her nails were now sinking into the skin of her palm. ‘’It’s like, everything goes into overdrive when you’re around and I don’t know how to behave and I don’t think I have ever felt like this about anyone, anyone in my whole entire life. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that– I have feelings for you.’’ She let it roll of her tongue without any brakes for her to pull if she changed her mind. Saying it out loud, hearing it herself, it was deafening. Her own words rang in her ears and it felt like she was weightless. Immediately, she wanted to apologize for springing it on him and giving him a chance to leave, but her heart was now in her throat and she couldn’t even move, let alone speak.

If this were a movie, a lightning would announce the thunder that would roar through the sky, underlining the words Lexi just said. I have feelings for you. But there was no lightning, no thunder, just the swooshing of the wind and the ringing in his ears as the puzzle pieces finally fell into place. All the little things he could never make sense of were now completely understandable; moreover, obvious. How had he not realized it before? His heart leapt at her proclamation, racing so fast it almost hurt. The tension and the excitement loosened their hold on his insides, and he felt relief wash over him like a tidal wave. Lexi had feelings for him. So, why was he relieved exactly, when he was dating her best friend? Acting on impulse, Seth gave himself no time to ponder those thoughts, covering the distance between them, and crashing his lips against Lexi’s. There was no tenderness in his kiss, nor his touch as his hands grabbed the sides of her face, holding her between his palms. The deafening noise of his heart quieted down, and he could finally hear himself think, except there were no thoughts in his head. There was just Lexi and her lips, and Seth gave no sign he’d pull away any time soon. 

Lexi was standing there, staring at Seth, not expecting him to actually ask her to explain. Why couldn’t it have been another joke? Another teasing remark about her? She could’ve handled that easier. But no, he was just staring back at her, as serious as he’d ever been, and that sent a wave of panic her way. It shook her to the core as she felt the cold sweat enveloping her entire body. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What was she supposed to say? Or maybe it was time to fess up? Because either way, she was going to lose him and maybe it was better to lose him with a confession, something true, than yet another pointless argument. ‘’I can’t explain it,’’ She said, denying her previous statement. ‘’At least not in the way that you’re going to like,’’ Lexi added and swallowed, realizing she needed to tell him how she felt, how all of their friendship, or whatever it ultimately was, felt. And looking at him illuminated with that candle light, it felt like her whole world was about to crash into that darkness that was around them. How ironic, a guy she was supposed to hate became everything she wanted in a man, as different as they were. ‘’I can’t explain it because if I even think for a moment about what that– why I have our photo framed on my nightstand, I’ll be betraying my best friend and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t wanna be the person that you might already think I am.’’ She shrugged, her jaw clenching, her mind telling her to shut up but her heart acting on its own. ‘’There are just some things… lines that can’t be crossed and I know it, I’m aware of it, and I’ve tried to rationalize it like everything else in my life but I just–’’ She let out a shaky breath, not really knowing where she was going with it.

There were very few things in life that were worse than waiting. Especially when the waiting came in the matters of the heart, and by the sinking feeling his gave him, Seth knew there was something more at hand than either of them had admitted to each other. He stood there, waiting for Lexi to say the words that would ease the heaviness rising in his chest, that would make all of this just a misunderstanding, but he didn’t get that. As soon as she started talking, tangling herself up in a web of confusing thoughts he could hardly make the ends of, that something stirred inside him again. Like that last time, when he was giving her the presents he brought from New Orleans, and he thought there was nothing more beautiful than Lexi when she was being herself and relaxed. Like every time she’d give him a smile and he felt proud of himself for putting it on her face. Two very conflicting emotions sprawled through him─ despair and joy─ and he had no idea how to grasp them and deal with them. “Wait, stop,” he raised his hand and took a few steps closer to her, shaking his head. What was she saying? How was he supposed to make any sense of it? Why couldn’t she just get it all out in the simplest terms and help him understand? Irritated, he looked at her with wide eyes. “What are you saying? Just spell it out, because I’m even more confused now. What lines, what person do I think you are?” His voice gave way to his emotions, to the excitement boiling in the pit of his stomach, tying it up in knots, to the fear chilling his blood. But was it fear of hearing what he suspected or was it fear of hearing the opposite? “Lexi... Just say it. No embellishment.”

‘‘Yeah, exactly,’‘ Lexi agreed with a playful roll of her eyes, but that sentence only sent a different image to her head: where Seth would be shaving in the bathroom and she shut it down immediately, cringing at herself on the inside. Once in front of the mirror, she was supposed to open it or go through the drawers, but instead she saw her lipstick was a little smeared and if he was talking to her while she looked like that… Quickly, she pulled out one of the make up remover wipes and took it off, since there was no point in putting on another layer in the darkness. It was then that her phone died completely. Oh, shoot, She thought, because she didn’t even do what she came to do in the first place. Lexi knew this behavior of hers quite well: all of her perfect composure dissolved when there was a guy she really liked only this time, it was so out of reach that it stung her as much as she liked him being around. Okay get it together, Alexis, She whispered to herself and carefully exited the bathroom. ‘’Uh, my phone finally died. That’ll teach me to start charging it on time, or y’know, maybe get a power ba–’’ It took her a few seconds to realize what Seth was doing. It wasn’t really about him looking at her things, it was this one particular thing that she forgot about – a selfie of the two of them that she ended up framing a while ago. She had no particular reason to do that. Or a reason at all. In fact, it would’ve made more sense if she had Liza or even Sebastian on her nightstand, not Seth. ‘’I– I can explain that,’’ She started off, her mind going into overdrive, trying to come up with something cohesive, tangible, but her mind was empty. She couldn’t explain that unless she wanted to admit how she felt about him, and that was never going to happen.

There was something about having physical photographs and putting them up in your home, a nostalgia he didn’t appreciate up until then. Nowadays, everything was digital, and photographs came and went with the swipe of a finger. But there was something more permanent and meaningful in actual photographs. A declaration of just how much what was in them meant to you. So what did it say about Lexi if she had a framed photograph of the two of them, and not of her and Liza, her best friend for years now? No, she had Seth, someone she’s only been somewhat close with for the last couple of months, and even then always ended up fighting with. And why, why the hell did he feel some kind of warmth in his chest at the sight of it, realizing she really did care about him? What was the meaning of it? Standing up straight, Seth turned around on his heels to face Lexi, lucid and with a clear mind about the girl in front of him for the first time in forever. A myriad of possible answers swarmed his mind, popping up like Christmas lights as he tried to settle on which one to say, which question to ask. “I’m listening,” he opted for the simplest one; no joke, no teasing. Just a genuine need to hear the truth. 

Lexi snorted at his comment about hoarders – well, fair enough. ‘’I promise, it’s not always like this. I have this thing, an event, tomorrow and I was trying to pick out an outfit. If the electricity wasn’t out, I’d ask you to help me,’’ She smiled, wondering if he would even see any differences and how one outfit was less suitable than another. She felt really bad that her fridge was empty, so much, in fact, that she could only serve him water. She took out a glass carefully so as not to break something in the process (the embarrassment of that happening would’ve probably, most likely, cause her to bury her head in the sandy beaches of Miami) and slid it over to him over the counter. ‘’I don’t really like them,’’ She admitted. ‘’Most of the ones I owned were just presents. When people don’t know what to buy you, they will buy you that. Or shower gels.’’ She added with a chuckle. Watching him laugh, it left her feeling that same damn thing as always: the warmth on the inside, causing the corners of her own mouth to curve upward. And yet, she felt a little bit naked having him inside of her apartment. Her apartment was the only shelter she had, as ridiculous as that sounded to some, and letting him in had more of a metaphorical value than anything else. Her private things were there, all that she had. And then she worried: did it smell nicely? What if her perfume was overbearing? She wondered if she had some extra air fresheners in the bathroom. ‘’Wait a moment, I’ll be right back.’’ Lexi smiled and took the rest of her dying phone with her to look for some in the bathroom.

Seth was hardly a good judge of style. His idea of an outfit consisted of a pair of jeans and a shirt─ button down if it’s too fancy, polo if it was somewhere in the middle, but most often it was just a regular tee. Not to mention he would probably think everything she put on looked good, because she was pretty damn hot, so you know. “I think it’s good you’re not asking me for advice because I’d be of no help. What’s the event?” He wondered as he took a sip of the water she passed over to him. A chuckle fell from his lips as she explained why she had all those scented candles in the first place. “That’s aftershave for men. There was a time when I thought I could go around selling them, that’s how many I’ve had,” the faint laugh softened. He promised not to go anywhere, and took the candle with him to what he assumed was the sitting area. Just as warned, he found the couch covered in items of clothing, grouped to form outfits she was considering most likely. It felt like an invasion of her privacy to look at them in depth, so Seth moved on, looking around the walls, the pictures hanging on them, the shelves lined with books and various other items. It was nothing like the image Alexis tried to put out into the world: it wasn’t put together, color-coded, or planned. There were things that undoubtedly had emotional value to be still kept out on display, and Seth liked that he got to see them under the flickering candle light. One particular item attracted his attention: the picture frame on her nightstand, and he couldn’t resist taking a closer look at it, only to find his own features greeting him from the photograph.

Lexi wanted to spite him on what he said about her making it through the storm alive, but remembered that she was glad that he was there. And besides, getting into yet another potential argument and if she was being honest with herself, she was tired of those and realized that the attitude she would normally spring on to him led nowhere. Especially not because she wasn’t doing it out of the desire to argue, it was mostly a defense mechanism she had adopted over the years. And not to mention she knew he was joking. ‘’Uh, I didn’t expect any guests so I’m really sorry for–’’ She trailed off, squinting at the very small source of light they had. ‘’I guess about all of this,’’ She motioned towards the space around where they were. Her battery now at 5%, she nodded at his request and walked over to the kitchen, crouched so she would look under the counter and behind the kitchen supplies, she found a jar. ‘’Ah, here it is,’’ She said with a little relief in her tone of voice and helped him put the candle inside. ‘’I almost regret throwing away all of those scented candles a few weeks ago,’’ She smiled with a shrug. To avoid standing there awkwardly, she went back to the kitchen area and opened the fridge. ‘’Can I offer you, uh… a glass of sprinkling water? Or–’’ Dramatically, she held a carton of soy milk and pretended t be in a commercial for it. ‘’This healthy, produced by the soaking and grinding soybeans, soy milk?”

Seth was about to make a joke how the mess in her place was the reason why she never invited him over before, but decided against it. It had been a while since they hung out; more specifically, they haven’t talked since that day at his place when he warned her about Jesus and she walked out, angry at him. Testing his luck right now with a joke of that sort seemed like the dumbest idea he could ever have, so he bit his tongue and waved his hand. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I can’t see most of it anyway. And it doesn’t seem like you’re one of those hoarders so I don’t have to worry about you getting trampled in piles of junk.” Okay, so he couldn’t help himself and not joke about it at all. At least this seemed less about them and more about teasing Lexi. He followed her into the kitchen and waited until she produced a glass jar out of thin air (or, really, just darkness). Lighting the candle, he held it above the jar at an angle, letting the melted wax drop to the bottom before he stuck the candle inside and glued it in place. “Why’d you throw them away?” He asked, curious, though he was thankful these candles weren’t scented because they tended to give him a headache. He waited to hear her offer and laughed. “Oh, my god, how do you survive? A glass of water will do.”

Ingrid – or whatever her name was – seemed a little taken aback by Lexi showing up at her door not to ask for something, but to offer. It made Lexi feel a little bit bad about it, since she never went to ask for things out of anything else but some form of a distress. It went to show her that she needed to be more aware of the people around her, even though her little haven down the hall sometimes seemed to be all Lexi really had. Coming back to where Seth was standing, she smiled. ‘’And you thought I was a cold, ruthless and uncaring girl next door.’’ She joked, of course, but stepping inside her own place again made her painfully aware that Seth was about to come inside for the first time ever – and again, she was completely unprepared. Her fridge was empty, potential outfit combinations sprawled over the sofa and the racks, and not to mention that she couldn’t remember if she even arranged her shoes so they weren’t everywhere in the small hallway that led to the living room. She was actually lucky that they were experiencing a blackout. ‘’Well, you took care of me, didn’t you? By coming over and helping out,’’ She bit on her lower lip, not even looking up at him as she made sure there was nothing to trip over. ‘’Uh, you wanna come in?”

“I wouldn’t put it exactly like that...” Seth tried to tone it down from how she described herself, a chuckle falling from his lips. Sure, he had some reservations and opinions about her that weren’t all flattering, but he had actually gotten over most of them. At least he thought so. “Just looking out,” he said with a smile, unable to stop himself from stealing a glance inside her apartment. It only then struck him that he had never been there, despite being on good terms with Lexi for months now, whereas she had been to his place a number of times by now. “I kinda get the feeling you don’t like storms, so yeah, I’d like to come in. Make sure you make it through the night without a heart attack,” he teased and stepped inside the apartment. It was hard to make out anything in the dark, but from what the flashlight on his phone told him, there were a lot of things splayed over the place but he chose not to comment on them as he closed the door. “D’you maybe have a candle holder or a jar we can stick this one in?” He asked about the candle he was left holding that would be the only source of light.

Lexi really didn’t like storms. Even more so when she was supposed to be alone in the dark. And when that other lighting flashed and reflected off the walls of her apartment, she almost winced again. Suddenly, she was glad that Seth came over. ‘’Good timing,’’ She finally spoke, even letting a smile out. A little shy, a little awkward, but a smile nevertheless. ‘’My battery’s almost out and it’s well-known that I’m unprepared for these things,’’ She joked, trying to shake off the nervousness. He didn’t look mad, which was the most important thing. The rest she would maybe even be able to fix. ‘’But, I need to do something first. How many have you got there?” Lexi asked about the candles, counting two and helping herself to one immediately. ‘’I have this neighbor, maybe I’ve mentioned her before,’’ She started to explain. ‘’She lives down the hall. She’s a bit strange but if I tried to count the number of times I went to her for this or that, I would never be able to finish. I’d just like to check if she’s okay.’’ She let him know and turned on the flashlight on her dying phone again. The librarian wasn’t her friend, she couldn’t even remember her name because it was a weird Swedish one. Or was it Norwegian? Gosh, she was the worst. But that girl helped her too many times to count and Lexi could at least check up on her, since she was always alone. No friend, no family. Walking over to her apartment, she announced herself. ‘’Hi– Sing… Ingrid.’’ She muttered through it but compensated with a wide smile instead. ‘’You okay in there? I came over to offer this candle in case you didn’t have one…’’ She explained herself.

Oh, he knew that reaction all too well. There was a time, if you would believe it, when Seth wasn’t the reasonable, well-prepared guy he was now, and when the sound of thunder would send him racing under the bed. Later on, when he was no longer the youngest one, he would assume a brave face and pretend not to be scared for the sake of his baby sister, but the little girl was more fearless than him back in those days and she’d laugh every time he flinched. Determined not to be the laughing stock of his family, Seth did his research and knowing the facts calmed him down so that when a storm was raging outside he wouldn’t be afraid. Lexi either hadn’t done her research or she needed something more to keep her calm. “I figured you’d be wildly unprepared for it,” he said with a smile, wondering how it was possible to always just revert back to their old ways. As soon as he saw her it was like all the bad stuff was washed away by a single smile. When she grabbed one of the candles from his hand, the last thing Seth expected she’d do with it was offer it to a neighbor. He figured she’d use it to go to the bathroom, make sure her makeup was still good─ which just went to show he didn’t know Alexis Reid as well as he thought; as well as he wanted. He waited patiently for this Ingrid to surface, slightly amused that Lexi wasn’t sure of her name, but still wanted to help. He didn’t get a chance to glimpse the woman, she opened the door wide enough to see who it was and to take the offered candle, but Seth welcomed back Lexi with a giant grin on his face. “Aw, you know, I’m impressed. You’re taking care of your neighbors before yourself. You really do care, Alexis Reid.”

Maybe just pretend you’re not there. Yes, this was a completely logical thought in Lexi’s head when she heard Seth’s voice at the door. And although her heart fluttered just knowing his was standing there, worried about her, her reason told her not to open that door. She was already knee deep into this situation – trying to avoid him and erase what she felt for him, while at the same time she had to avoid Liza at work which was a whole other level of crazy. But he probably already saw the flashlight from her phone from his window and if she was to keep quiet, he might think something happened to her. Thank you for the candles. Thank you, I’m fine, but thanks for coming. No, stupid, that’s repeating yourself. Lexi was now almost whispering these practice responses out loud. But somewhere along the way she opened the door and all of her practice speeches dissolved into one center point – Seth. She hadn’t seen him in a while that once she lay her eyes on him, it was like her breathing was cut off. ‘’Hi,’’ She managed to let out, the dread rising from the pit of her stomach to her very throat. She wondered if he was upset with her over what happened the last time.

Seth was beginning to feel like an idiot, standing there in the dark hallway, talking to someone who didn’t seem to be there in the first place. He was certain her librarian neighbor would come out to shoo him away in no time, but he remained planted by the door, waiting just a little while longer. He knocked a few more times, just to make sure she heard him if she was really inside, but no answer came, not even a shuffle to let him know that she really was inside. Maybe he was wrong, maybe Lexi really wasn’t at home, he began to doubt, and just as he was about to pull away and go back to his place, he heard a noise. Faint, but it happened again, until he heard the key turn in the lock and saw the door swing open. The light from his phone was enough to provide enough light to actually see Lexi, and not just imagine her figure in the door frame. “Hey,” he greeted her back awkwardly. Was it too forward on his part? Should he have just stayed in his place and pretended there was nothing outside of his four walls? A lightning flashed in the sky he could glimpse at through the window, and he counted down the seconds until it was followed by a roaring thunder. He lifted the candles and waved them in front of Lexi. “It looked like you needed some light. Maybe some company, too?”