Hm

i lied im pathetic. i cry when i wank because i think of you god help me

and i will be texting your mother, fuck it

im so sad. it's all catching up, man. im so tired. havent cleaned my room. didnt take my meds for months. im allowed to say its because of youc right? same way you're allowed to blame me for whatever you'd been going through.

in the end i have me and im not quite at that self love stage yet but its me and i at least respect myself enough to pick me up by the scruff and drag myself and keep walking. just fucking keep going. until one day i dont.

i love you i love you so much it hurts. were you lying? lying about forever-- about wanting that future. you're cruel. it's cruel.. but i was too. and its selfish of me. but damn, we couldve worked on it together? i can be petty. i can say fuck you i went to therapy im going to school what the fuck are you doing but i know thats not true maybe im too soft maybe i should just say fuck it end it all end it all. end it all.

love is so fickle. and we had it good but nothing last forever but i really wanted it to. and. i was willing to work on everything but you weren't and words and studf and i hate this. i hate it. please.. talk to me. i have no one. back to square one. call me at 5 am like we used to. message me. ignoring me might possibly be the worse thing you could do to me and i don't want my feelings to waver but they are. ill get over it i swear. ill get over myself.

i know you. i think you're avoiding me the way you avoid your grandparents graves. the way you'd avoided your church and your beliefs. one of these days you'll have to think of me. i hope i haunt you the same way you haunt me.

i'm so hurt that you haven't spoken to me. are you avoiding me? will you look up this place, will you know how i feel. text messages and letters aren't enough. phone calls i never get my words right. and you don't want to see me. please remember this place, where i'd shown you myself. please look and tell me.

i think that's always been the biggest thing with me. i wanted you to love me the way i loved you. i would never give up on you. i would never. you said we'd make it through this and i guess we fidnt and i' sorry im sorry again im sorry my mental got in the way, im sorry im still insecure.

tell me why you didn't respond? why didn't you say anything? is it over, just like that? years down the drain (years that i shouldve fixed myself i guess). i really wanted to spend our years together. you saved me. i thought i saved you. maybe i just put my head and my heart somewhere it doesn't belong.

i'm so sad. it feels like the me i was is dying, but i hated her anyways. but thats me? i will still mourn myself, even if its not worth it.

i want to scream i want to cry. i want to shut up and never speak again. i want to leave my life behind. i want to stay in my room forever. i want to change every little thing about me. i want to hold on to the little personality i have. i hate everyone and regret ever opening up. i miss everyone and wish i could speak clearer about my feelings. i want to hate you but i love you

still stuck in that in between. i wont know true death and i wont know true happiness because my sad pathetic excuse for a life still wants to live regardless but somehow still thinks their not worthy of it im so tired. im so tired.

genuinely. i feel like i'm back at square one babey.i hate this i hate this life it could be so much worse i know but i wish to tear the flesh off my bones and start a new get me away get me out of this place get away.

my heart aches i dont know. im fucking dead insode please come back

yeah sure whatever