It’s been over three years since I’ve had a true relationship. I like being independent. I love my alone time. I have adult toys to fulfil (pun) most of my needs. I’ve been content.
When I finish studying this year, a new chapter of my life will begin. I’ll more than likely be in a new town, away from my family. This would have scared me years ago. But I’ve been all over the state for placement, living with strangers who have quickly become friends. Surviving and thriving without needing or even wanting someone to hold my hand.
I’m fucking proud of myself. I can’t wait to graduate and start living again. To start building my own life and future. To do what I want.
I’ve secretly been hoping that I might meet someone along the way. As much as I am okay with being alone, I also feel like I could have spent these few past years connecting with someone. There is a side of me that hardly anyone knows. Things that I will only say to certain people. Aspects of myself that I rarely share with others. Unfortunately, all of that has been locked away.
Then I spend one day and night with you. Just one. And it feels like all of the years of companionship I’ve missed out on are suddenly… I don’t know. Redeemed?
My anxiety disappears. I feel brave and confident. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me when I’m hanging out with you. It’s our time. The rest of the world hardly matters. I don’t care if that sounds terrible, but it’s true.
I can exist without you. Live without you. I’ve already proven that. We can both keep going, paths crossing but timelines never really aligning. I’m okay with that.
You’ve had other relationships. At first I was jealous. Then I stopped watching you. I hoped that you had found someone who made you happy. Seeing you in long term relationships gave me hope that I could have that too. We always have been alike, after all.
I’m sorry that I didn’t realise how down you were. You’ve always been a private person when it comes to relationships and your emotions in general. I didn’t see that you were struggling.
I’ve always randomly popped into your DMs. Uh oh. Another existential crisis. Better message you about it. You know that you can do the same, right? I’ll talk to you at any hour. Be there for you as much as I can. As a best friend.
I’ve always felt like I’m a character in a novel or a video game. They’re building my back story before I get taken away on some epic, kick-ass fantasy adventure. I’m an observer. An outsider. It’s like I’m living in a world full of NPCs. I don’t care if that sounds vain.
Whenever I come across you though, I know that you can see me. When we close the door behind us, everything ceases to exist. Maybe we are both just glitches in this game. But I feel like the monochromatic days I’ve lived through are finally filled with colour.
Where was I going with this again? I don’t know. I just needed to voice these powerful thoughts and feelings. I’d thought that maybe I had imagined them all of those years ago. That I was just a stupid girl. Swept up in my fairytale romance. You would never go for something so cliché though, would you?
I guess I’ll continue on. I’m too afraid to tell you all of this, because I fear that it’s not reciprocated. Or that if it is, you’ll be scared and push me away. I don’t want to risk our friendship.
I’ll be happy as your friend. Even though I’m not sure I’ll find the same connection with anyone else. Even though I would gladly be with you. Wait for you. Move for you. Not because I’m some lovestruck, obsessed girl. But because I feel like we’re kindred spirits and could actually face each day together. Because I worry that they will never appreciate all of you. Or accept the darker sides of you.
Yeah. I guess that’ll do.
